stage-land-第6章
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right。 An ordinary； common lawyer would come to the point at once；
state the matter in a plain； business…like way； and trust that he
might have the pleasure of representing； etc。； etc。； but such simple
methods are not those of the stage lawyer。 He looks at the client and
says：
〃You had a father。〃
The client starts。 How on earth did this calm； thin； keen…eyed old
man in black know that he had a father？ He shuffles and stammers； but
the quiet； impenetrable lawyer fixes his cold； glassy eye on him； and
he is helpless。 Subterfuge； he feels； is useless； and amazed；
bewildered at the knowledge of his most private affairs possessed by
his strange visitant； he admits the fact： he had a father。
The lawyer smiles with a quiet smile of triumph and scratches his
chin。
〃You had a mother； too； if I am informed correctly；〃 he continues。
It is idle attempting to escape this man's supernatural acuteness； and
the client owns up to having had a mother also。
From this the lawyer goes on to communicate to the client； as a great
secret； the whole of his （the client's） history from his cradle
upward； and also the history of his nearer relatives； and in less than
half an hour from the old man's entrance； or say forty minutes at the
outside； the client almost knows what the business is about。
On the other occasion； when the client has lost his fortune； the stage
lawyer is even still happier。 He comes down himself to tell the
misfortune （he would not miss the job for worlds）； and he takes care
to choose the most unpropitious moment possible for breaking the news。
On the eldest daughter's birthday； when there is a big party on； is
his favorite time。 He comes in about midnight and tells them just as
they are going down to supper。
He has no idea of business hours； has the stage lawyerto make the
thing as unpleasant as possible seems to be his only anxiety。
If he cannot work it for a birthday； then he waits till there's a
wedding on； and gets up early in the morning on purpose to run down
and spoil the show。 To enter among a crowd of happy； joyous
fellow…creatures and leave them utterly crushed and miserable is the
stage lawyer's hobby。
The stage lawyer is a very talkative gentleman。 He regards the
telling of his client's most private affairs to every stranger that he
meets as part of his professional duties。 A good gossip with a few
chance acquaintances about the family secrets of his employers is food
and drink for the stage lawyer。
They all go about telling their own and their friends' secrets to
perfect strangers on the stage。 Whenever two people have five minutes
to spare on the stage they tell each other the story of their lives。
〃Sit down and I will tell you the story of my life〃 is the stage
equivalent for the 〃Come and have a drink〃 of the outside world。
The good stage lawyer has generally nursed the heroine on his knee
when a baby （when she was a baby； we mean）when she was only so high。
It seems to have been a part of his professional duties。 The good
stage lawyer also kisses all the pretty girls in the play and is
expected to chuck the housemaid under the chin。 It is good to be a
good stage lawyer。
The good stage lawyer also wipes away a tear when sad things happen；
and he turns away to do this and blows his nose； and says he thinks he
has a fly in his eye。 This touching trait in his character is always
held in great esteem by the audience and is much applauded。
The good stage lawyer is never by any chance a married man。 （Few good
men are； so we gather from our married lady friends。） He loved in
early life the heroine's mother。 That 〃sainted woman〃 （tear and nose
business） died and is now among the angelsthe gentleman who did
marry her； by the bye； is not quite so sure about this latter point；
but the lawyer is fixed on the idea。
In stage literature of a frivolous nature the lawyer is a very
different individual。 In comedy he is young； he possesses chambers；
and he is married （there is no doubt about this latter fact）； and his
wife and his mother…in…law spend most of the day in his office and
make the dull old place quite lively for him。
He only has one client。 She is a nice lady and affable； but her
antecedents are doubtful； and she seems to be no better than she ought
to bepossibly worse。 But anyhow she is the sole business that the
poor fellow hasis； in fact； his only source of income； and might；
one would think； under such circumstances be accorded a welcome by his
family。 But his wife and his mother…in…law； on the contrary； take a
violent dislike to her； and the lawyer has to put her in the
coal…scuttle or lock her up in the safe whenever he hears either of
these female relatives of his coming up the stairs。
We should not care to be the client of a farcical comedy stage lawyer。
Legal transactions are trying to the nerves under the most favorable
circumstances； conducted by a farcical stage lawyer； the business
would be too exciting for us。
THE ADVENTURESS。
She sits on a table and smokes a cigarette。 A cigarette on the stage
is always the badge of infamy。
In real life the cigarette is usually the hall…mark of the
particularly mild and harmless individual。 It is the dissipation of
the Y。M。C。A。； the innocent joy of the pure…hearted boy long ere the
demoralizing influence of our vaunted civilization has dragged him
down into the depths of the short clay。
But behind the cigarette on the stage lurks ever black…hearted
villainy and abandoned womanhood。
The adventuress is generally of foreign extraction。 They do not make
bad women in Englandthe article is entirely of continental
manufacture and has to be imported。 She speaks English with a
charming little French accent； and she makes up for this by speaking
French with a good sound English one。
She seems a smart business woman； and she would probably get on very
well if it were not for her friends and relations。 Friends and
relations are a trying class of people even in real life； as we all
know； but the friends and relations of the stage adventuress are a
particularly irritating lot。 They never leave her； never does she get
a day or an hour off from them。 Wherever she goes； there the whole
tribe goes with her。
They all go with her in a body when she calls on her young man； and it
is as much as she can do to persuade them to go into the next room
even for five minutes； and give her a chance。 When she is married
they come and live with her。
They know her dreadful secret and it keeps them in comfort for years。
Knowing somebody's secret seems； on the stage； to be one of the most
profitable and least exhausting professions going。
She is fond of married life； is the adventuress； and she goes in for
it pretty extensively。 She has husbands all over the globe； most of
them in prison； but they escape and turn up in the last act and spoil
all the poor girl's plans。 That is so like husbandsno
consideration； no thought for their poor wives。 They are not a
prepossessing lot； either； those early husbands of hers。 What she
could have seen in them to induce her to marry them is indeed a
mystery。
The adventuress dresses magnificently。 Where she gets the money from
we never could understand； for she and her companions are always more
or less complaining of being 〃stone broke。〃 Dressmakers must be a
trusting people where she comes from。
The adventuress is like the proverbial cat as regards the number of
lives she is possessed of。 You never know when she is really dead。
Most people like to die once and have done with it； but the
adventuress； after once or twice trying it； seems to get quite to like
it； and goes on giving way to it； and then it grows upon her until she
can't help herself； and it becomes a sort of craving with her。
This habit of hers is； however； a very trying one for her friends and
husbandsit makes things so uncertain。 Something ought to be done to
break her of it。 Her husbands； on hearing that she is dead； go into
raptures and rush off and marry other people； and then just as they
are starting off on their new honeymoon up she crops again； as fresh
as paint。 It is really most an
