stage-land-第5章
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The hero and heroine； who seem to have been waiting for something of
the sort； immediately come and take possession of the whole house。
Of course the comic man could not think of charging for mere board and
lodging the man who knocked him down when they were boys together！
Besides； was not the heroine （now the hero's wife） the sweetest and
the blithest girl in all the village of Deepdale？ （They must have
been a gloomy band； the others！） How can any one with a human heart
beneath his bosom suggest that people like that should pay for their
rest and washing？ The comic man is shocked at his wife for even
thinking of such a thing； and the end of it is that Mr。 and Mrs。 Hero
live there for the rest of the play rent free； coals； soap； candles；
and hair…oil for the child being provided for them on the same terms。
The hero raises vague and feeble objections to this arrangement now
and again。 He says he will not hear of such a thing； that he will
stay no longer to be a burden upon these honest folk； but will go
forth unto the roadside and there starve。 The comic man has awful
work with him； but wins at last and persuades the noble fellow to stop
on and give the place another trial。
When； a morning or so after witnessing one of these beautiful scenes；
our own landlady knocks at our door and creates a disturbance over a
paltry matter of three or four weeks' rent； and says she'll have her
money or out we go that very day； and drifts slowly away down toward
the kitchen； abusing us in a rising voice as she descends； then we
think of these things and grow sad。
It is the example of the people round him that makes the comic man so
generous。 Everybody is generous on the stage。 They are giving away
their purses all day long； that is the regulation 〃tip〃 on the
stageone's purse。 The moment you hear a tale of woe； you grab it
out of your pocket； slap it in to the woe…er's palm； grip his hand；
dash away a tear； and exit； you don't even leave yourself a 'bus fare
home。 You walk back quickly and get another purse。
Middle…class people and others on the stage who are short of purses
have to content themselves with throwing about rolls of bank…notes and
tipping servants with five…pound checks。 Very stingy people on the
stage have been known to be so cussed mean as to give away mere
sovereigns。
But they are generally only villains or lords that descend to this
sort of thing。 Respectable stage folk never offer anything less than
a purse。
The recipient is very grateful on receiving the purse （he never looks
inside） and thinks that Heaven ought to reward the donor。 They get a
lot of work out of Heaven on the stage。 Heaven does all the odd jobs
for them that they don't want to go to the trouble and expense of
doing for themselves。 Heaven's chief duty on the stage is to see to
the repayment of all those sums of money that are given or lent to the
good people。 It is generally requested to do this to the tune of a
〃thousand…fold〃an exorbitant rate when you come to think of it。
Heaven is also expected to take care that the villain gets properly
cursed； and to fill up its spare time by bringing misfortune upon the
local landlord。 It has to avenge everybody and to help all the good
people whenever they are in trouble。 And they keep it going in this
direction。
And when the hero leaves for prison Heaven has to take care of his
wife and child till he comes out； and if this isn't a handful for it；
we don't know what would be！
Heaven on the stage is always on the side of the hero and heroine and
against the police。
Occasionally； of late years； the comic man has been a bad man； but you
can't hate him for it。 What if he does ruin the hero and rob the
heroine and help to murder the good old man？ He does it all in such a
genial； light…hearted spirit that it is not in one's heart to feel
angry with him。 It is the way in which a thing is done that makes all
the difference。
Besides； he can always round on his pal； the serious villain； at the
end； and that makes it all right。
The comic man is not a sportsman。 If he goes out shooting； we know
that when he returns we shall hear that he has shot the dog。 If he
takes his girl out on the river he upsets her （literally we mean）。
The comic man never goes out for a day's pleasure without coming home
a wreck。
If he merely goes to tea with his girl at her mother's； he swallows a
muffin and chokes himself。
The comic man is not happy in his married life； nor does it seem to us
that he goes the right way to be so。 He calls his wife 〃his old Dutch
clock；〃 〃the old geyser；〃 and such like terms of endearment； and
addresses her with such remarks as 〃Ah； you old cat；〃 〃You ugly old
nutmeg grater；〃 〃You orangamatang； you！〃 etc。； etc。
Well； you know that is not the way to make things pleasant about a
house。
Still； with all his faults we like the comic man。 He is not always in
trouble and he does not make long speeches。
Let us bless him。
THE LAWYER。
He is very old； and very long； and very thin。 He has white hair。 He
dresses in the costume of the last generation but seven。 He has bushy
eyebrows and is clean shaven。 His chin itches considerably； so that
he has to be always scratching it。 His favorite remark is 〃Ah！〃
In real life we have heard of young solicitors； of foppish solicitors；
of short solicitors； but on the stage they are always very thin and
very old。 The youngest stage solicitor we ever remember to have seen
looked about sixtythe oldest about a hundred and forty…five。
By the bye； it is never very safe to judge people's ages on the stage
by their personal appearance。 We have known old ladies who looked
seventy； if they were a day； turn out to be the mothers of boys of
fourteen； while the middle…aged husband of the young wife generally
gives one the idea of ninety。
Again； what appears at first sight to be a comfortable…looking and
eminently respectable elderly lady is often discovered to be； in
reality； a giddy； girlish； and inexperienced young thing； the pride of
the village or the darling of the regiment。
So； too； an exceptionally stout and short…winded old gentleman； who
looks as if he had been living too well and taking too little exercise
for the last forty…five years； is not the heavy father； as you might
imagine if you judged from mere external evidence； but a wild；
reckless boy。
You would not think so to look at him； but his only faults are that he
is so young and light…headed。 There is good in him； however； and he
will no doubt be steady enough when he grows up。 All the young men of
the neighborhood worship him and the girls love him。
〃Here he comes；〃 they say； 〃dear； dear old JackJack； the darling
boythe headstrong youthJack； the leader of our juvenile
sportsJack； whose childish innocence wins all hearts。 Three cheers
for dancing； bright…eyed Jack！〃
On the other hand； ladies with the complexion of eighteen are； you
learn as the story progresses； quite elderly women； the mothers of
middle…aged heroes。
The experienced observer of stage…land never jumps to conclusions from
what he sees。 He waits till he is told things。
The stage lawyer never has any office of his own。 He transacts all
his business at his clients' houses。 He will travel hundreds of miles
to tell them the most trivial piece of legal information。
It never occurs to him how much simpler it would be to write a letter。
The item for 〃traveling expenses〃 in his bill of costs must be
something enormous。
There are two moments in the course of his client's career that the
stage lawyer particularly enjoys。 The first is when the client comes
unexpectedly into a fortune； the second when he unexpectedly loses it。
In the former case； upon learning the good news the stage lawyer at
once leaves his business and hurries off to the other end of the
kingdom to bear the glad tidings。 He arrives at the humble domicile
of the beneficiary in question； sends up his card； and is ushered into
the front parlor。 He enters mysteriously and sits leftclient sits
right。 An ordinary； common lawyer would come to the point at once；
state the matter in a plain； business…lik
