stage-land-第12章
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all over as she kneels beside him。 Then they all wipe away a tear。
The people on the stage think very highly of the good old man； but
they don't encourage him much after the first act。 He generally dies
in the first act。
If he does not seem likely to die they murder him。
He is a most unfortunate old gentleman。 Anything he is mixed up in
seems bound to go wrong。 If he is manager or director of a bank；
smash it goes before even one act is over。 His particular firm is
always on the verge of bankruptcy。 We have only to be told that he
has put all his savings into a companyno matter how sound and
promising an affair it may always have been and may still seemto
know that that company is a 〃goner。〃
No power on earth can save it after once the good old man has become a
shareholder。
If we lived in stage…land and were asked to join any financial scheme；
our first question would be：
〃Is the good old man in it？〃 If so； that would decide us。
When the good old man is a trustee for any one he can battle against
adversity much longer。 He is a plucky old fellow； and while that
trust money lasts he keeps a brave heart and fights on boldly。 It is
not until he has spent the last penny of it that he gives way。
It then flashes across the old man's mind that his motives for having
lived in luxury upon that trust money for years may possibly be
misunderstood。 The worldthe hollow； heartless worldwill call it a
swindle and regard him generally as a precious old fraud。
This idea quite troubles the good old man。
But the world really ought not to blame him。 No one； we are sure；
could be more ready and willing to make amends （when found out）； and
to put matters right he will cheerfully sacrifice his daughter's
happiness and marry her to the villain。
The villain； by the way； has never a penny to bless himself with； and
cannot even pay his own debts； let alone helping anybody else out of a
scrape。 But the good old man does not think of this。
Our own personal theory； based upon a careful comparison of
similarities； is that the good old man is in reality the stage hero
grown old。 There is something about the good old man's chuckle…headed
simplicity； about his helpless imbecility； and his irritating damtom
foolishness that is strangely suggestive of the hero。
He is just the sort of old man that we should imagine the hero would
develop into。
We may； of course； be wrong； but that is our idea。
THE IRISHMAN。
He says 〃Shure〃 and 〃Bedad〃 and in moments of exultation 〃Beghorra。〃
That is all the Irish he knows。
He is very poor； but scrupulously honest。 His great ambition is to
pay his rent； and he is devoted to his landlord。
He is always cheerful and always good。 We never knew a bad Irishman
on the stage。 Sometimes a stage Irishman seems to be a bad mansuch
as the 〃agent〃 or the 〃informer〃but in these cases it invariably
turns out in the end that this man was all along a Scotchman； and thus
what had been a mystery becomes clear and explicable。
The stage Irishman is always doing the most wonderful things
imaginable。 We do not see him do those wonderful things。 He does
them when nobody is by and tells us all about them afterward： that is
how we know of them。
We remember on one occasion； when we were young and somewhat
inexperienced； planking our money down and going into a theater solely
and purposely to see the stage Irishman do the things he was depicted
as doing on the posters outside。
They were really marvelous； the things he did on that poster。
In the right…hand upper corner he appeared running across country on
all fours； with a red herring sticking out from his coat…tails； while
far behind came hounds and horsemen hunting him。 But their chance of
ever catching him up was clearly hopeless。
To the left he was represented as running away over one of the wildest
and most rugged bits of landscape we have ever seen with a very big
man on his back。 Six policemen stood scattered about a mile behind
him。 They had evidently been running after him； but had at last given
up the pursuit as useless。
In the center of the poster he was having a friendly fight with
seventeen ladies and gentlemen。 Judging from the costumes； the affair
appeared to be a wedding。 A few of the guests had already been killed
and lay dead about the floor。 The survivors； however； were enjoying
themselves immensely； and of all that gay group he was the gayest。
At the moment chosen by the artist； he had just succeeded in cracking
the bridegroom's skull。
〃We must see this；〃 said we to ourselves。 〃This is good。〃 And we had
a bob's worth。
But he did not do any of the things that we have mentioned； after
allat least； we mean we did not see him do any of them。 It seems he
did them 〃off；〃 and then came on and told his mother all about it
afterward。
He told it very well； but somehow or other we were disappointed。 We
had so reckoned on that fight。
By the bye； we have noticed； even among the characters of real life； a
tendency to perform most of their wonderful feats 〃off。〃
It has been our privilege since then to gaze upon many posters on
which have been delineated strange and moving stage events。
We have seen the hero holding the villain up high above his head； and
throwing him about that carelessly that we have felt afraid he would
break something with him。
We have seen a heroine leaping from the roof of a house on one side of
the street and being caught by the comic man standing on the roof of a
house on the other side of the street and thinking nothing of it。
We have seen railway trains rushing into each other at the rate of
sixty miles an hour。 We have seen houses blown up by dynamite two
hundred feet into the air。 We have seen the defeat of the Spanish
Armada； the destruction of Pompeii； and the return of the British army
from Egypt in one 〃set〃 each。
Such incidents as earthquakes； wrecks in mid…ocean； revolutions and
battles we take no note of； they being commonplace and ordinary。
But we do not go inside to see these things now。 We have two looks at
the poster instead； it is more satisfying。
The Irishman； to return to our friend； is very fond of whiskythe
stage Irishman； we mean。 Whisky is forever in his thoughtsand often
in other places belonging to him； besides。
The fashion in dress among stage Irishmen is rather picturesque than
neat。 Tailors must have a hard time of it in stage Ireland。
The stage Irishman has also an original taste in hats。 He always
wears a hat without a crown； whether to keep his head cool or with any
political significance we cannot say。
THE DETECTIVE。
Ah！ he is a cute one； he is。 Possibly in real life he would not be
deemed anything extraordinary； but by contrast with the average of
stage men and women； any one who is not a born fool naturally appears
somewhat Machiavellian。
He is the only man in the play who does not swallow all the villain
tells him and believe it； and come up with his mouth open for more。
He is the only man who can see through the disguise of an overcoat and
a new hat。
There is something very wonderful about the disguising power of cloaks
and hats upon the stage。 This comes from the habit people on the
stage have of recognizing their friends； not by their faces and
voices； but by their cloaks and hats。
A married man on the stage knows his wife； because he knows she wears
a blue ulster and a red bonnet。 The moment she leaves off that blue
ulster and red bonnet he is lost and does not know where she is。
She puts on a yellow cloak and a green hat； and coming in at another
door says she is a lady from the country； and does he want a
housekeeper？
Having lost his beloved wife； and feeling that there is no one now to
keep the children quiet； he engages her。 She puzzles him a good deal；
this new housekeeper。 There is something about her that strangely
reminds him of his darling Nellmaybe her boots and dress； which she
has not had time to change。
Sadly the slow acts pass away until one day； as it is getting near
closing…time； she puts on the blue ulster and the red bonnet again and
comes in at the old original
