part8-第12章

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myself　know　or　no。



Here　was　a　perplexity　that　I　had　not　indeed　skill　to　manage　

myself　in；　neither　knew　I　what　course　to　take。　　It　lay　heavy　

upon　my　mind　night　and　day。　　I　could　neither　sleep　nor　

converse；　sothat　my　husband　perceived　it；　and　wondered　what　

ailed　me；　strove　to　divert　me；　but　it　was　all　to　no　purpose。　　He　

pressed　me　to　tell　him　what　it　was　troubled　me；　but　I　put　it　off；　

till　at　last；　importuning　me　continually；　I　was　forced　to　form　

a　story；　which　yet　had　a　plain　truth　to　lay　it　upon　too。　　It　old　

him　I　was　troubled　because　I　found　we　must　shift　our　quarters　

and　alter　our　scheme　of　settling；　for　that　I　found　I　should　be　

known　if　I　stayed　in　that　part　of　the　country；　for　that　my　mother　

being　dead；　several　of　my　relations　were　come　into　that　part　

where　we　then　was；　and　that　I　must　either　discover　myself　to　

them；　which　in　our　present　circumstances　was　not　proper　on　

many　accounts；　or　remove；　and　which　to　do　I　knew　not；　and　

that　this　it　was　that　made　me　so　melancholy　and　so　thoughtful。



He　joined　with　me　in　this；　that　it　was　by　no　means　proper　for　

me　to　make　myself　known　to　anybody　in　the　circumstances　

inwhich　we　then　were；　and　therefore　he　told　me　he　would　be　

willing　to　remove　to　any　other　part　of　the　country；　or　even　to　

any　other　country　if　I　thought　fit。　　But　now　I　had　another　

difficulty；which　was；　that　if　I　removed　to　any　other　colony；　I　

put　myself　out　of　the　way　of　ever　making　a　due　search　after　

those　effects　which　my　mother　had　left。　　Again　I　could　never　

so　much　as　think　of　breaking　the　secret　of　my　former　marriage　

to　my　new　husband；　it　was　not　a　story；　as　I　thought；　that　would　

bear　telling；　nor　could　I　tell　what　might　be　the　consequences　

of　it；　and　it　was　impossible　to　search　into　the　bottom　of　the　

thing　without　making　it　public　all　over　the　country；　as　well　

who　I　was；　as　what　I　now　was　also。



In　this　perplexity　I　continued　a　great　while；　and　this　made　my　

spouse　very　uneasy；　for　he　found　me　perplexed；　and　yet　thought

I　was　not　open　with　him；　and　did　not　let　him　into　every　part　

of　my　grievance；　and　he　would　often　say；　he　wondered　what　

he　had　done　that　I　would　not　trust　him　with　whatever　it　was；　

especially　if　it　was　grievous　and　afflicting。　　The　truth　is；　he　

ought　to　have　been　trusted　with　everything；　for　no　man　in　the　

world　could　deserve　better　of　a　wife；　but　this　was　a　thing　I　

knew　not　how　to　open　to　him；　and　yet　having　nobody　to　

disclose　any　part　of　it　to；the　burthen　was　too　heavy　for　my　

mind；　for　let　them　say　whatthey　please　of　our　sex　not　being　

able　to　keep　a　secret；　my　life　is　a　plain　conviction　to　me　of　the　

contrary；　but　be　it　our　sex；　or　the　man's　sex；　a　secret　of　moment　

should　always　have　a　confidant；a　bosom　friend；　to　whom　we　

may　communicate　the　joy　of　it；　or　the　grief　of　it；　be　it　which　

it　will；　or　it　will　be　a　double　weight　upon　the　spirits；　and　

perhaps　become　even　insupportable　in　itself；　and　this　I　appeal　

to　all　human　testimony　for　the　truth　of。



And　this　is　the　cause　why　many　times　men　as　well　as　women；　

and　men　of　the　greatest　and　best　qualities　other　ways；　yet　have　

found　themselves　weak　in　this　part；　and　have　not　been　able　to　

bear　the　weight　of　a　secret　joy　or　of　a　secret　sorrow；　but　have　

been　obliged　to　disclose　it；　even　for　the　mere　giving　vent　to　

themselves；　and　to　unbend　the　mind　oppressed　with　the　load　

andweights　which　attended　it。　　Nor　was　this　any　token　of　folly　

orthoughtlessness　at　all；　but　a　natural　consequence　of　the　thing；

and　such　people；　had　they　struggled　longer　with　the　oppression；　

would　certainly　have　told　it　in　their　sleep；　and　disclosed　the　

secret；　let　it　have　been　of　what　fatal　nature　soever；　without　

regard　to　the　person　to　whom　it　might　be　exposed。　　This　

necessity　of　nature　is　a　thing　which　works　sometimes　with　

such　vehemence　in　the　minds　of　those　who　are　guilty　of　any　

atrocious　villainy；　such　as　secret　murder　in　particular；　that　they　

have　been　obliged　to　discover　it；　though　the　consequence　

would　necessarily　be　their　own　destruction。　　Now；　thought　it　

may　be　true　that　the　divine　justice　ought　to　have　the　glory　of　

all　those　discoveries　and　confessions；　yet　'tis　as　certain　that　

Providence；　which　ordinarily　works　by　the　hands　of　nature；　

makes　use　here　of　the　same　naturalcauses　to　produce　those　

extraordinary　effects。



I　could　give　several　remarkable　instances　of　this　in　my　long　

conversation　with　crime　and　with　criminals。　　I　knew　one　fellow　

that；　while　I　was　in　prison　in　Newgate；　was　one　of　those　they　

called　then　night…fliers。　　I　know　not　what　other　word　they　may　

have　understood　it　by　since；　but　he　was　one　who　by　connivance　

was　admitted　to　go　abroad　every　evening；　when　he　played　his　

pranks；　and　furnished　those　honest　people　they　call　thief…catchers　

with　business　to　find　out　the　next　day；　and　restore　for　a　reward　

what　they　had　stolen　the　evening　before。　　This　fellow　was　as　

sure　to　tell　in　his　sleep　all　that　he　had　done；　and　every　step　he　

had　taken；　what　he　had　stolen；　and　where；　as　sure　as　if　he　had　

engaged　to　tell　it　waking；　and　that　there　was　no　harm　or　danger　

in　it；　and　therefore　he　was　obliged；　after　he　had　been　out；　to　

lock　himself　up；　or　be　locked　up　by　some　of　the　keepers　that　

had　him　in　fee；　that　nobody　should　hear　him；　but；　on　the　other　

hand；　if　he　had　told　all　the　particulars；　and　given　a　full　account　

of　his　rambles　and　success；　to　any　comrade；　any　brother　thief；　

or　to　his　employers；　as　I　may　justly　call　them；　then　all　was　

well　with　him；　and　he　slept　as　quietly　as　other　people。



As　the　publishing　this　account　of　my　life　is　for　the　sake　of　the　

just　moral　of　very　part　of　it；　and　for　instruction；　caution；　

warning；　and　improvement　to　every　reader；　so　this　will　not　

pass；　I　hope；　for　an　unnecessary　digression　concerning　some　

people　being　obliged　to　disclose　the　greatest　secrets　either　of　

their　own　or　other　people's　affairs。



Under　the　certain　oppression　of　this　weight　upon　my　mind；　I　

laboured　in　the　case　I　have　been　naming；　and　the　only　relief　

I　found　for　it　was　to　let　my　husband　into　so　much　of　it　as　I　

thought　would　convince　him　of　the　necessity　there　was　for　us　

to　think　of　settling　in　some　other　part　of　the　world；　and　the　

next　consideration　before　us　was；　which　part　of　the　English　

settlements　we　should　go　to。　　My　husband　was　a　perfect　stranger　

to　the　country；　and　had　not　yet　so　much　as　a　geographical　

knowledge　of　the　situation　of　the　several　places；　and　I；　that；　

till　I　wrote　this；　did　not　know　what　the　word　geographical　

signified；　had　only　a　general　knowledge　from　long　conversation　

with　people　that　came　from　or　went　to　several　places；　but　this　

I　knew；　that　Maryland；　Pennsylvania；　East　and　West　Jersey；　

New　York；　and　New　England　lay　all　north　of　Virginia；　and　

that　they　were　consequently　all　colder　climates；　to　which　for　

that　very　reason；　I　had　an　aversion。　　For　that　as　I　naturally　

loved　warm　weather；　so　now　I　grew　into　years　I　had　a　stronger　

inclination　to　shun　a　cold　climate。　　I　therefore　considered　of　

going　to　Caroline；　which　is　the　only　southern　colony　of　the　

English　on　the　continent　of　America；　and　hither　I　proposed　to　

go；　and　the　rather　because　I　might　with　great　ease　come　from　

thence　at　any　time；　when　it　might　be　proper　to　inquire　after　

my　mother's　effects；　and　to　make　myself　known　enough　to　

demand　them。



With　this　resolution　I　proposed　to　my　husband　our　going　away　

from　where　we　was；　and　carrying　all　our　effects　with　us　to　

Caroline；　where　we　resolved　to　settle；　for　my　husband　readily　

agreed　to　the　first　part；　viz。　that　was　not　at　all　proper　to　stay　

where　we　was；　since　I　had　assured　him　we　should　be　known　

there；　and　the　rest　I　effectually　concealed　from　him。



But　now　I　found　a　new　difficulty　upon　me。　　The　main　affair　

grew　heavy　upon　my　mind　still；　and　I　could　not　think　of　going　

out　of　the　country　without　somehow　or　other　making　inquiry　

into　the　grand　affair　of　w