all roads lead to calvary-第48章

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she　should　be　paid　for　her　embraces？　　That　she　should　share　in　man's　labour；　in　his　hopes；　that　was　the　true　comradeship。　　What　mattered　it；　who　held　the　purse…strings！

Her　room　was　always　kept　ready　for　her。　　Often　she　would　lie　there；　watching　the　moonlight　creep　across　the　floor；　and　a　curious　feeling　would　come　to　her　of　being　something　wandering；　incomplete。　She　would　see　as　through　a　mist　the　passionate；　restless　child　with　the　rebellious　eyes　to　whom　the　room　had　once　belonged；　and　later　the　strangely　self…possessed　girl　with　that　impalpable　veil　of　mystery　around　her　who　would　stand　with　folded　hands；　there　by　the　window；　seeming　always　to　be　listening。　　And　she；　too；　had　passed　away。　　The　tears　would　come　into　her　eyes；　and　she　would　stretch　out　yearning　arms　towards　their　shadowy　forms。　　But　they　would　only　turn　upon　her　eyes　that　saw　not；　and　would　fade　away。

In　the　day…time；　when　Arthur　and　her　father　were　at　the　works；　she　would　move　through　the　high；　square；　stiffly…furnished　rooms；　or　about　the　great　formal　garden；　with　its　ordered　walks　and　level　lawns。　　And　as　with　knowledge　we　come　to　love　some　old；　stern　face　our　childish　eyes　had　thought　forbidding；　and　would　not　have　it　changed；　there　came　to　her　with　the　years　a　growing　fondness　for　the　old；　plain　brick…built　house。　　Generations　of　Allways　had　lived　and　died　there：　　men　and　women　somewhat　narrow；　unsympathetic；　a　little　hard　of　understanding；　but　at　least　earnest；　sincere；　seeking　to　do　their　duty　in　their　solid；　unimaginative　way。　Perhaps　there　were　other　ways　besides　those　of　speech　and　pen。　Perhaps　one　did　better；　keeping　to　one's　own　people；　the　very　qualities　that　separated　us　from　them　being　intended　for　their　need。　　What　mattered　the　colours；　so　that　one　followed　the　flag？　Somewhere；　all　roads　would　meet。

Arthur　had　to　be　in　London　generally　once　or　twice　a　month；　and　it　came　to　be　accepted　that　he　should　always　call　upon　her　and　〃take　her　out。〃　　She　had　lost　the　self…sufficiency　that　had　made　roaming　about　London　by　herself　a　pleasurable　adventure；　and　a　newly…born　fear　of　what　people　were　saying　and　thinking　about　her　made　her　shy　even　of　the　few　friends　she　still　clung　to；　so　that　his　visits　grew　to　be　of　the　nature　of　childish　treats　to　which　she　found　herself　looking　forwardcounting　the　days。　　Also；　she　came　to　be　dependent　upon　him　for　the　keeping　alight　within　her　of　that　little　kindly　fire　of　self…conceit　at　which　we　warm　our　hands　in　wintry　days。　　It　is　not　good　that　a　young　woman　should　remain　for　long　a　stranger　to　her　mirrorabove　her　frocks；　indifferent　to　the　angle　of　her　hat。　She　had　met　the　women　superior　to　feminine　vanities。　　Handsome　enough；　some　of　them　must　once　have　been；　now　sunk　in　slovenliness；　uncleanliness；　in　disrespect　to　womanhood。　　It　would　not　be　fair　to　him。　　The　worshipper　has　his　rights。　　The　goddess　must　remember　always　that　she　is　a　goddessmust　pull　herself　together　and　behave　as　such；　appearing　upon　her　pedestal　becomingly　attired；　seeing　to　it　that　in　all　things　she　is　at　her　best；　not　allowing　private　grief　to　render　her　neglectful　of　this　duty。

She　had　not　told　him　of　the　Phillips　episode。　　But　she　felt　instinctively　that　he　knew。　　It　was　always　a　little　mysterious　to　her；　his　perception　in　matters　pertaining　to　herself。

〃I　want　your　love；〃　she　said　to　him　one　day。　　〃It　helps　me。　　I　used　to　think　it　was　selfish　of　me　to　take　it；　knowing　I　could　never　return　itnot　that　love。　　But　I　no　longer　feel　that　now。　　Your　love　seems　to　me　a　fountain　from　which　I　can　drink　without　hurting　you。〃

〃I　should　love　to　be　with　you　always；〃　he　answered；　〃if　you　wished　it。　　You　won't　forget　your　promise？〃

She　remembered　it　then。　　〃No；〃　she　answered　with　a　smile。　　〃I　shall　keep　watch。　　Perhaps　I　shall　be　worthy　of　it　by　that　time。〃

She　had　lost　her　faith　in　journalism　as　a　drum　for　the　rousing　of　the　people　against　wrong。　　Its　beat　had　led　too　often　to　the　trickster's　booth；　to　the　cheap…jack's　rostrum。　　It　had　lost　its　rallying　power。　　The　popular　Press　had　made　the　newspaper　a　byword　for　falsehood。　　Even　its　supporters；　while　reading　it　because　it　pandered　to　their　passions；　tickled　their　vices；　and　flattered　their　ignorance；　despised　and　disbelieved　it。　　Here　and　there；　an　honest　journal　advocated　a　reform；　pleaded　for　the　sweeping　away　of　an　injustice。　　The　public　shrugged　its　shoulders。　　Another　newspaper　stunt！　　A　bid　for　popularity；　for　notoriety：　　with　its　consequent　financial　kudos。

She　still　continued　to　write　for　Greyson；　but　felt　she　was　labouring　for　the　doomed。　　Lord　Sutcliffe　had　died　suddenly　and　his　holding　in　the　Evening　Gazette　had　passed　to　his　nephew；　a　gentleman　more　interested　in　big　game　shooting　than　in　politics。　Greyson's　support　of　Phillips　had　brought　him　within　the　net　of　Carleton's　operations；　and　negotiations　for　purchase　had　already　been　commenced。　　She　knew　that；　sooner　or　later；　Greyson　would　be　offered　the　alternative　of　either　changing　his　opinions　or　of　going。　　And　she　knew　that　he　would　go。　　Her　work　for　Mrs。　Denton　was　less　likely　to　be　interfered　with。　　It　appealed　only　to　the　few；　and　aimed　at　informing　and　explaining　rather　than　directly　converting。　　Useful　enough　work　in　its　way；　no　doubt；　but　to　put　heart　into　it　seemed　to　require　longer　views　than　is　given　to　the　eyes　of　youth。

Besides；　her　pen　was　no　longer　able　to　absorb　her　attention；　to　keep　her　mind　from　wandering。　　The　solitude　of　her　desk　gave　her　the　feeling　of　a　prison。　　Her　body　made　perpetual　claims　upon　her；　as　though　it　were　some　restless；　fretful　child；　dragging　her　out　into　the　streets　without　knowing　where　it　wanted　to　go；　discontented　with　everything　it　did：　　then　hurrying　her　back　to　fling　itself　upon　a　chair；　weary；　but　still　dissatisfied。

If　only　she　could　do　something。　　She　was　sick　of　thinking。

These　physical　activities　into　which　women　were　throwing　themselves！　　Where　one　used　one's　body　as　well　as　one's　brain　hastened　to　appointments；　gathered　round　noisy　tables；　met　fellow　human　beings；　argued　with　them；　walked　with　them；　laughing　and　talking；　forced　one's　way　through　crowds；　cheered；　shouted；　stood　up　on　platforms　before　a　sea　of　faces；　roused　applause；　filling　and　emptying　one's　lungs；　met　interruptions　with　swift　flash　of　wit　or　anger；　faced　opposition；　dangerfelt　one's　blood　surging　through　one's　veins；　felt　one's　nerves　quivering　with　excitement；　felt　the　delirious　thrill　of　passion；　felt　the　mad　joy　of　the　loosened　animal。

She　threw　herself　into　the　suffrage　movement。　　It　satisfied　her　for　a　while。　　She　had　the　rare　gift　of　public　speaking；　and　enjoyed　her　triumphs。　　She　was　temperate；　reasonable；　persuasive　rather　than　aggressive；　feeling　her　audience　as　she　went；　never　losing　touch　with　them。　　She　had　the　magnetism　that　comes　of　sympathy。　　Medical　students　who　came　intending　to　tell　her　to　go　home　and　mind　the　baby；　remained　to　wonder　if　man　really　was　the　undoubted　sovereign　of　the　world；　born　to　look　upon　woman　as　his　willing　subject；　to　wonder　whether　under　some　unwritten　whispered　law　it　might　not　be　the　other　way　about。　　Perhaps　she　had　the　rightwith　or　without　the　babyto　move　about　the　kingdom；　express　her　wishes　for　its　care　and　management。　　Possibly　his　doubts　may　not　have　been　brought　about　solely　by　the　force　and　logic　of　her　arguments。　　Possibly　the　voice　of　Nature　is　not　altogether　out　of　place　in　discussions　upon　Humanity's　affairs。

She　wanted　votes　for　women。　　But　she　wanted　them　cleanwon　without　dishonour。　　These　〃monkey　tricks〃this　apish　fury　and　impatience！　Suppose　it　did　hasten　by　a　few　months；　more　or　less；　the　coming　of　the　inevitable。　　Suppose；　by　unlawful　methods；　one　could　succeed　in　dragging　a　reform　a　little　prematurely　from　the　womb　of　time；　did　not　one　endanger　the　child's　health？　　Of　what　value　was　woman's　influence　on　public　affairs　going　to　be；　if　she　was　to　boast　that　she　had　won　the　right　to　exercise　it　by　unscrupulousness　and　brutality？

They　were　to　be　found　at　every　corner：　　the　reformers　who　could　not　reform　themselves。　　The　believers　in　universal　brotherhood　who　hated　half　the　people。　　The　denouncers　of　tyranny　demanding　lamp…　posts　for　their　opponents。　　The　bloodthirsty　preachers　of　peace。　The　moralists　who　had　persuaded　themselves