a confession(忏悔录)-第9章

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　　　　　〃The　life　of　the　body　is　an　evil　and　a　lie。　　Therefore　the

destruction　of　the　life　of　the　body　is　a　blessing；　and　we　should

desire　it；〃　says　Socrates。

　　　　　〃Life　is　that　which　should　not　be　　an　evil；　and　the　passage

into　Nothingness　is　the　only　good　in　life；〃　says　Schopenhauer。

　　　　　〃All　that　is　in　the　world　　folly　and　wisdom　and　riches　and

poverty　and　mirth　and　grief　　is　vanity　and　emptiness。　　Man　dies

and　nothing　is　left　of　him。　　And　that　is　stupid；〃　says　Solomon。

　　　　　〃To　life　in　the　consciousness　of　the　inevitability　of

suffering；　of　becoming　enfeebled；　of　old　age　and　of　death；　is

impossible　　we　must　free　ourselves　from　life；　from　all　possible

life；〃　says　Buddha。

　　　　　And　what　these　strong　minds　said　has　been　said　and　thought　and

felt　by　millions　upon　millions　of　people　like　them。　　And　I　have

thought　it　and　felt　it。

　　　　　So　my　wandering　among　the　sciences；　far　from　freeing　me　from

my　despair；　only　strengthened　it。　　One　kind　of　knowledge　did　not

reply　to　life's　question；　the　other　kind　replied　directly

confirming　my　despair；　indicating　not　that　the　result　at　which　I

had　arrived　was　the　fruit　of　error　or　of　a　diseased　state　of　my

mind；　but　on　the　contrary　that　I　had　thought　correctly；　and　that　my

thoughts　coincided　with　the　conclusions　of　the　most　powerful　of

human　minds。

　　　　　It　is　no　good　deceiving　oneself。　It　is　all　　vanity！　　Happy

is　he　who　has　not　been　born：　　death　is　better　than　life；　and　one

must　free　oneself　from　life。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　VII



　　　　　Not　finding　an　explanation　in　science　I　began　to　seek　for　it

in　life；　hoping　to　find　it　among　the　people　around　me。　　And　I　began

to　observe　how　the　people　around　me　　people　like　myself　　lived；

and　what　their　attitude　was　to　this　question　which　had　brought　me

to　despair。

　　　　　And　this　is　what　I　found　among　people　who　were　in　the　same

position　as　myself　as　regards　education　and　manner　of　life。

　　　　　I　found　that　for　people　of　my　circle　there　were　four　ways　out

of　the　terrible　position　in　which　we　are　all　placed。

　　　　　The　first　was　that　of　ignorance。　It　consists　in　not　knowing；

not　understanding；　that　life　is　an　evil　and　an　absurdity。　　People

of　this　sort　　chiefly　women；　or　very　young　or　very　dull　people　

have　not　yet　understood　that　question　of　life　which　presented

itself　to　Schopenhauer；　Solomon；　and　Buddha。　　They　see　neither　the

dragon　that　awaits　them　nor　the　mice　gnawing　the　shrub　by　which

they　are　hanging；　and　they　lick　the　drops　of　honey。　　but　they　lick

those　drops　of　honey　only　for　a　while：　　something　will　turn　their

attention　to　the　dragon　and　the　mice；　and　there　will　be　an　end　to

their　licking。　　From　them　I　had　nothing　to　learn　　one　cannot

cease　to　know　what　one　does　know。

　　　　　The　second　way　out　is　epicureanism。　　It　consists；　while

knowing　the　hopelessness　of　life；　in　making　use　meanwhile　of　the

advantages　one　has；　disregarding　the　dragon　and　the　mice；　and

licking　the　honey　in　the　best　way；　especially　if　there　is　much　of

it　within　reach。　　Solomon　expresses　this　way　out　thus：　　〃Then　I

commended　mirth；　because　a　man　hath　no　better　thing　under　the　sun；

than　to　eat；　and　to　drink；　and　to　be　merry：　and　that　this　should

accompany　him　in　his　labour　the　days　of　his　life；　which　God　giveth

him　under　the　sun。

　　　　　〃Therefore　eat　thy　bread　with　joy　and　drink　thy　wine　with　a

merry　heart。。。。　Live　joyfully　with　the　wife　whom　thou　lovest　all

the　days　of　the　life　of　thy　vanity。。。for　this　is　thy　portion　in

life　and　in　thy　labours　which　thou　takest　under　the　sun。。。。

Whatsoever　thy　hand　findeth　to　do；　do　it　with　thy　might；　for　there

is　not　work；　nor　device；　nor　knowledge；　nor　wisdom；　in　the　grave；

whither　thou　goest。〃

　　　　　That　is　the　way　in　which　the　majority　of　people　of　our　circle

make　life　possible　for　themselves。　　Their　circumstances　furnish

them　with　more　of　welfare　than　of　hardship；　and　their　moral

dullness　makes　it　possible　for　them　to　forget　that　the　advantage　of

their　position　is　accidental；　and　that　not　everyone　can　have　a

thousand　wives　and　palaces　like　Solomon；　that　for　everyone　who　has

a　thousand　wives　there　are　a　thousand　without　a　wife；　and　that　for

each　palace　there　are　a　thousand　people　who　have　to　build　it　in　the

sweat　of　their　brows；　and　that　the　accident　that　has　today　made　me

a　Solomon　may　tomorrow　make　me　a　Solomon's　slave。　　The　dullness　of

these　people's　imagination　enables　them　to　forget　the　things　that

gave　Buddha　no　peace　　the　inevitability　of　sickness；　old　age；　and

death；　which　today　or　tomorrow　will　destroy　all　these　pleasures。

　　　　　So　think　and　feel　the　majority　of　people　of　our　day　and　our

manner　of　life。　　The　fact　that　some　of　these　people　declare　the

dullness　of　their　thoughts　and　imaginations　to　be　a　philosophy；

which　they　call　Positive；　does　not　remove　them；　in　my　opinion；　from

the　ranks　of　those　who；　to　avoid　seeing　the　question；　lick　the

honey。　　I　could　not　imitate　these　people；　not　having　their　dullness

of　imagination　I　could　not　artificially　produce　it　in　myself。　　I

could　not　tear　my　eyes　from　the　mice　and　the　dragon；　as　no　vital

man　can　after　he　has　once　seen　them。

　　　　　The　third　escape　is　that　of　strength　and　energy。　　It　consists

in　destroying　life；　when　one　has　understood　that　it　is　an　evil　and

an　absurdity。　　A　few　exceptionally　strong　and　consistent　people　act

so。　　Having　understood　the　stupidity　of　the　joke　that　has　been

played　on　them；　and　having　understood　that　it　is　better　to　be　dead

than　to　be　alive；　and　that　it　is　best　of　all　not　to　exist；　they　act

accordingly　and　promptly　end　this　stupid　joke；　since　there　are

means：　　a　rope　round　one's　neck；　water；　a　knife　to　stick　into　one's

heart；　or　the　trains　on　the　railways；　and　the　number　of　those　of

our　circle　who　act　in　this　way　becomes　greater　and　greater；　and　for

the　most　part　they　act　so　at　the　best　time　of　their　life；　when　the

strength　of　their　mind　is　in　full　bloom　and　few　habits　degrading　to

the　mind　have　as　yet　been　acquired。

　　　　　I　saw　that　this　was　the　worthiest　way　of　escape　and　I　wished

to　adopt　it。

　　　　　The　fourth　way　out　is　that　of　weakness。　　It　consists　in　seeing

the　truth　of　the　situation　and　yet　clinging　to　life；　knowing　in

advance　that　nothing　can　come　of　it。　　People　of　this　kind　know　that

death　is　better　than　life；　but　not　having　the　strength　to　act

rationally　　to　end　the　deception　quickly　and　kill　themselves　

they　seem　to　wait　for　something。　　This　is　the　escape　of　weakness；

for　if　I　know　what　is　best　and　it　is　within　my　power；　why　not　yield

to　what　is　best？　。。。　I　found　myself　in　that　category。

　　　　　So　people　of　my　class　evade　the　terrible　contradiction　in　four

ways。　　Strain　my　attention　as　I　would；　I　saw　no　way　except　those

four。　　One　way　was　not　to　understand　that　life　is　senseless；

vanity；　and　an　evil；　and　that　it　is　better　not　to　live。　　I　could

not　help　knowing　this；　and　when　I　once　knew　it　could　not　shut　my

eyes　to　it。　　the　second　way　was　to　use　life　such　as　it　is　without

thinking　of　the　future。　　And　I　could　not　do　that。　　I；　like　Sakya

Muni；　could　not　ride　out　hunting　when　I　knew　that　old　age；

suffering；　and　death　exist。　　My　imagination　was　too　vivid。　　Nor

could　I　rejoice　in　the　momentary　accidents　that　for　an　instant

threw　pleasure　to　my　lot。　　The　third　way；　having　under　stood　that

life　is　evil　and　stupid；　was　to　end　it　by　killing　oneself。　　I

understood　that；　but　somehow　still　did　not　kill　myself。　　The　fourth

way　was　to　live　like　Solomon　and　Schopenhauer　　knowing　that　life

is　a　stupid　joke　played　upon　us；　and　still　to　go　on　living；　washing

oneself；　dressing；　dining；　talking；　and　even　writing　books。　　This

was　to　me　repulsive　and　tormenting；　but　I　remained　in　that

position。

　　　　　I　see　now　that　if　I　did　not　kill　myself　it　was　due　to　some　dim

consciousness　of　the　invalidity　of　my　thoughts。　　However　convincing

and　indubitable　appeared　to　me　the　sequence　of　my　thoughts　and　of

those　of　the　wise　that　have　brought　us　to　the　admission　of　the

senselessness　of　life；　there　remained