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第19章

a confession(忏悔录)-第19章

小说: a confession(忏悔录) 字数: 每页4000字

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refresh and elucidate and unify what has been set forth at such

length in the foregoing pages。  The dream was this:

     I saw that I was lying on a bed。  I was neither comfortable

nor uncomfortable: I was lying on my back。  But I began to consider

how; and on what; I was lying  a question which had not till then

occurred to me。  And observing my bed; I saw I was lying on plaited

string supports attached to its sides: my feet were resting on one

such support; by calves on another; and my legs felt uncomfortable。 

I seemed to know that those supports were movable; and with a

movement of my foot I pushed away the furthest of them at my feet …

… it seemed to me that it would be more comfortable so。  But I

pushed it away too far and wished to reach it again with my foot;

and that movement caused the next support under my calves to slip

away also; so that my legs hung in the air。  I made a movement with

my whole body to adjust myself; fully convinced that I could do so

at once; but the movement caused the other supports under me to

slip and to become entangled; and I saw that matters were going

quite wrong: the whole of the lower part of my body slipped and

hung down; though my feet did not reach the ground。  I was holding

on only by the upper part of my back; and not only did it become

uncomfortable but I was even frightened。  And then only did I ask

myself about something that had not before occurred to me。  I asked

myself:  Where am I and what am I lying on? and I began to look

around and first of all to look down in the direction which my body

was hanging and whiter I felt I must soon fall。  I looked down and

did not believe my eyes。  I was not only at a height comparable to

the height of the highest towers or mountains; but at a height such

as I could never have imagined。

     I could not even make out whether I saw anything there below;

in that bottomless abyss over which I was hanging and whiter I was

being drawn。  My heart contracted; and I experienced horror。  To

look thither was terrible。  If I looked thither I felt that I

should at once slip from the last support and perish。  And I did

not look。  But not to look was still worse; for I thought of what

would happen to me directly I fell from the last support。  And I

felt that from fear I was losing my last supports; and that my back

was slowly slipping lower and lower。  Another moment and I should

drop off。  And then it occurred to me that this cannot e real。  It

is a dream。  Wake up! I try to arouse myself but cannot do so。 

What am I to do?  What am I to do?  I ask myself; and look upwards。 

Above; there is also an infinite space。  I look into the immensity

of sky and try to forget about the immensity below; and I really do

forget it。  The immensity below repels and frightens me; the

immensity above attracts and strengthens me。  I am still supported

above the abyss by the last supports that have not yet slipped from

under me; I know that I am hanging; but I look only upwards and my

fear passes。  As happens in dreams; a voice says: 〃Notice this;

this is it!〃  And I look more and more into the infinite above me

and feel that I am becoming calm。  I remember all that has

happened; and remember how it all happened; how I moved my legs;

how I hung down; how frightened I was; and how I was saved from

fear by looking upwards。  And I ask myself: Well; and now am I not

hanging just the same?  And I do not so much look round as

experience with my whole body the point of support on which I am

held。  I see that I no longer hang as if about to fall; but am

firmly held。  I ask myself how I am held: I feel about; look round;

and see that under me; under the middle of my body; there is one

support; and that when I look upwards I lie on it in the position

of securest balance; and that it alone gave me support before。  And

then; as happens in dreams; I imagined the mechanism by means of

which I was held; a very natural intelligible; and sure means;

though to one awake that mechanism has no sense。  I was even

surprised in my dream that I had not understood it sooner。  It

appeared that at my head there was a pillar; and the security of

that slender pillar was undoubted though there was nothing to

support it。  From the pillar a loop hung very ingeniously and yet

simply; and if one lay with the middle of one's body in that loop

and looked up; there could be no question of falling。  This was all

clear to me; and I was glad and tranquil。  And it seemed as if

someone said to me:  〃See that you remember。〃

     And I awoke。



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