a confession(忏悔录)-第18章

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who　explained　it　all　and　explained　it　so　that　I　never　asked　any　one

any　more　about　it。　　I　said　that　for　every　unbeliever　turning　to　a

belief　（and　all　our　young　generation　are　in　a　position　to　do　so）

the　question　that　presents　itself　first　is；　why　is　truth　not　in

Lutheranism　nor　in　Catholicism；　but　in　Orthodoxy？　　Educated　in　the

high　school　he　cannot　help　knowing　what　the　peasants　do　not　know　

that　the　Protestants　and　Catholics　equally　affirm　that　their　faith

is　the　only　true　one。　　Historical　evidence；　twisted　by　each

religion　in　its　own　favour；　is　insufficient。　　Is　it　not　possible；

said　I；　to　understand　the　teaching　in　a　loftier　way；　so　that　from

its　height　the　differences　should　disappear；　as　they　do　for　one　who

believes　truly？　　Can　we　not　go　further　along　a　path　like　the　one　we

are　following　with　the　Old…Believers？　　They　emphasize　the　fact　that

they　have　a　differently　shaped　cross　and　different　alleluias　and　a

different　procession　round　the　altar。　　We　reply：　　You　believe　in

the　Nicene　Creed；　in　the　seven　sacraments；　and　so　do　we。　　Let　us

hold　to　that；　and　in　other　matters　do　as　you　pease。　　We　have　united

with　them　by　placing　the　essentials　of　faith　above　the

unessentials。　　Now　with　the　Catholics　can　we　not　say：　　You　believe

in　so　and　so　and　in　so　and　so；　which　are　the　chief　things；　and　as

for　the　Filioque　clause　and　the　Pope　　do　as　you　please。　　Can　we

not　say　the　same　to　the　Protestants；　uniting　with　them　in　what　is

most　important？

　　　　　My　interlocutor　agreed　with　my　thoughts；　but　told　me　that　such

conceptions　would　bring　reproach　o　the　spiritual　authorities　for

deserting　the　faith　of　our　forefathers；　and　this　would　produce　a

schism；　and　the　vocation　of　the　spiritual　authorities　is　to

safeguard　in　all　its　purity　the　Greco…Russian　Orthodox　faith

inherited　from　our　forefathers。

　　　　　And　I　understood　it　all。　　I　am　seeking　a　faith；　the　power　of

life；　and　they　are　seeking　the　best　way　to　fulfil　in　the　eyes　of

men　certain　human　obligations。　　and　fulfilling　these　human　affairs

they　fulfil　them　in　a　human　way。　　However　much　they　may　talk　of

their　pity　for　their　erring　brethren；　and　of　addressing　prayers　for

them　to　the　throne　of　the　Almighty　　to　carry　out　human　purposes

violence　is　necessary；　and　it　has　always　been　applied　and　is　and

will　be　applied。　　If　of　two　religions　each　considers　itself　true

and　the　other　false；　then　men　desiring　to　attract　others　to　the

truth　will　preach　their　own　doctrine。　　And　if　a　false　teaching　is

preached　to　the　inexperienced　sons　of　their　Church　　which　as　the

truth　　then　that　Church　cannot　but　burn　the　books　and　remove　the

man　who　is　misleading　its　sons。　　What　is　to　be　done　with　a

sectarian　　burning；　in　the　opinion　of　the　Orthodox；　with　the　fire

of　false　doctrine　　who　in　the　most　important　affair　of　life；　in

faith；　misleads　the　sons　of　the　Church？　　What　can　be　done　with　him

except　to　cut　off　his　head　or　to　incarcerate　him？　　Under　the　Tsar

Alexis　Mikhaylovich　people　were　burned　at　the　stake；　that　is　to

say；　the　severest　method　of　punishment　of　the　time　was　applied；　and

in　our　day　also　the　severest　method　of　punishment　is　applied　

detention　in　solitary　confinement。　　＇Footnote：　　At　the　time　this

was　written　capital　punishment　was　considered　to　be　abolished　in

Russia。　　A。M。＇　

　　　　　The　second　relation　of　the　Church　to　a　question　of　life　was

with　regard　to　war　and　executions。

　　　　　At　that　time　Russia　was　at　war。　　And　Russians；　in　the　name　of

Christian　love；　began　to　kill　their　fellow　men。　　It　was　impossible

not　to　think　about　this；　and　not　to　see　that　killing　is　an　evil

repugnant　to　the　first　principles　of　any　faith。　　Yet　prayers　were

said　in　the　churches　for　the　success　of　our　arms；　and　the　teachers

of　the　Faith　acknowledged　killing　to　be　an　act　resulting　from　the

Faith。　　And　besides　the　murders　during　the　war；　I　saw；　during　the

disturbances　which　followed　the　war；　Church　dignitaries　and

teachers　and　monks　of　the　lesser　and　stricter　orders　who　approved

the　killing　of　helpless；　erring　youths。　　And　I　took　note　of　all

that　is　done　by　men　who　profess　Christianity；　and　I　was　horrified。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　
XVI



　　　　　And　I　ceased　to　doubt；　and　became　fully　convinced　that　not　all

was　true　in　the　religion　I　had　joined。　　Formerly　I　should　have　said

that　it　was　all　false；　but　I　could　not　say　so　now。　　The　whole　of

the　people　possessed　a　knowledge　of　the　truth；　for　otherwise　they

could　not　have　lived。　　Moreover；　that　knowledge　was　accessible　to

me；　for　I　had　felt　it　and　had　lived　by　it。　　But　I　no　longer　doubted

that　there　was　also　falsehood　in　it。　　And　all　that　had　previously

repelled　me　now　presented　itself　vividly　before　me。　　And　though　I

saw　that　among　the　peasants　there　was　a　smaller　admixture　of　the

lies　that　　repelled　me　than　among　the　representatives　of　the

Church；　I　still　saw　that　in　the　people's　belief　also　falsehood　was

mingled　with　the　truth。

　　　　　But　where　did　the　truth　and　where　did　the　falsehood　come　from？　

Both　the　falsehood　and　the　truth　were　contained　in　the　so…called

holy　tradition　and　in　the　Scriptures。　　Both　the　falsehood　and　the

truth　had　been　handed　down　by　what　is　called　the　Church。

　　　　　And　whether　I　liked　or　not；　I　was　brought　to　the　study　and

investigation　of　these　writings　and　traditions　　which　till　now　I

had　been　so　afraid　to　investigate。

　　　　　And　I　turned　to　the　examination　of　that　same　theology　which　I

had　once　rejected　with　such　contempt　as　unnecessary。　　Formerly　it

seemed　to　me　a　series　of　unnecessary　absurdities；　when　on　all　sides

I　was　surrounded　by　manifestations　of　life　which　seemed　to　me　clear

and　full　of　sense；　now　I　should　have　been　glad　to　throw　away　what

would　not　enter　a　health　head；　but　I　had　nowhere　to　turn　to。　　On

this　teaching　religious　doctrine　rests；　or　at　least　with　it　the

only　knowledge　of　the　meaning　of　life　that　I　have　found　is

inseparably　connected。　　However　wild　it　may　seem　too　my　firm　old

mind；　it　was　the　only　hope　of　salvation。　　It　had　to　be　carefully；

attentively　examined　in　order　to　understand　it；　and　not　even　to

understand　it　as　I　understand　the　propositions　of　science：　　I　do

not　seek　that；　nor　can　I　seek　it；　knowing　the　special　character　of

religious　knowledge。　　I　shall　not　seek　the　explanation　of

everything。　　I　know　that　the　explanation　of　everything；　like　the

commencement　of　everything；　must　be　concealed　in　infinity。　　But　I

wish　to　understand　in　a　way　which　will　bring　me　to　what　is

inevitably　inexplicable。　　I　wish　to　recognize　anything　that　is

inexplicable　as　being　so　not　because　the　demands　of　my　reason　are

wrong　（they　are　right；　and　apart　from　them　I　can　understand

nothing）；　but　because　I　recognize　the　limits　of　my　intellect。　　I

wish　to　understand　in　such　a　way　that　everything　that　is

inexplicable　shall　present　itself　to　me　as　being　necessarily

inexplicable；　and　not　as　being　something　I　am　under　an　arbitrary

obligation　to　believe。

　　　　　That　there　is　truth　in　the　teaching　is　to　me　indubitable；　but

it　is　also　certain　that　there　is　falsehood　in　it；　and　I　must　find

what　is　true　and　what　is　false；　and　must　disentangle　the　one　from

the　other。　　I　am　setting　to　work　upon　this　task。　　What　of　falsehood

I　have　found　in　the　teaching　and　what　I　have　found　of　truth；　and　to

what　conclusions　I　came；　will　form　the　following　parts　of　this

work；　which　if　it　be　worth　it　and　if　anyone　wants　it；　will　probably

some　day　be　printed　somewhere。

　　　　　1879。



　　　　　The　foregoing　was　written　by　me　some　three　years　ago；　and　will

be　printed。

　　　　　Now　a　few　days　ago；　when　revising　it　and　returning　to　the　line

of　thought　and　to　the　feelings　I　had　when　I　was　living　through　it

all；　I　had　a　dream。　　This　dream　expressed　in　condensed　form　all

that　I　had　experienced　and　described；　and　I　think　therefore　that；

for　those　who　have　understood　me；　a　description　of　this　dream　will

refresh　and　elucidate　and　unify　what　has　been　set　forth　at　such

length　in　the　foregoing　pages。　　The　dream　was　this：

　　　　　I　saw　tha