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第17章

a confession(忏悔录)-第17章

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service; confession; and prayers were quite intelligible and

produced in me a glad consciousness that the meaning of life was

being revealed to me。  The Communion itself I explained as an act

performed in remembrance of Christ; and indicating a purification

from sin and the full acceptance of Christ's teaching。  If that

explanation was artificial I did not notice its artificiality: so

happy was I at humbling and abasing myself before the priest  a

simple; timid country clergyman  turning all the dirt out of my

soul and confessing my vices; so glad was I to merge in thought

with the humility of the fathers who wrote the prayers of the

office; so glad was I of union with all who have believed and now

believe; that I did not notice the artificiality of my explanation。 

But when I approached the altar gates; and the priest made me say

that I believed that what I was about to swallow was truly flesh

and blood; I felt a pain in my heart: it was not merely a false

note; it was a cruel demand made by someone or other who evidently

had never known what faith is。

     I now permit myself to say that it was a cruel demand; but I

did not then think so: only it was indescribably painful to me。  I

was no longer in the position in which I had been in youth when I

thought all in life was clear; I had indeed come to faith because;

apart from faith; I had found nothing; certainly nothing; except

destruction; therefore to throw away that faith was impossible and

I submitted。  And I found in my soul a feeling which helped me to

endure it。  This was the feeling of self…abasement and humility。 

I humbled myself; swallowed that flesh and blood without any

blasphemous feelings and with a wish to believe。  But the blow had

been struck and; knowing what awaited me; I could not go a second

time。

     I continued to fulfil the rites of the Church and still

believed that the doctrine I was following contained the truth;

when something happened to me which I now understand but which then

seemed strange。

     I was listening to the conversation of an illiterate peasant;

a pilgrim; about God; faith; life; and salvation; when a knowledge

of faith revealed itself to me。  I drew near to the people;

listening to their opinions of life and faith; and I understood the

truth more and more。  So also was it when I read the Lives of Holy

men; which became my favourite books。  Putting aside the miracles

and regarding them as fables illustrating thoughts; this reading

revealed to me life's meaning。  There were the lives of Makarius

the Great; the story of Buddha; there were the words of St。 John

Chrysostom; and there were the stories of the traveller in the

well; the monk who found some gold; and of Peter the publican。 

There were stories of the martyrs; all announcing that death does

not exclude life; and there were the stories of ignorant; stupid

men; who knew nothing of the teaching of the Church but who yet

were saves。

     But as soon as I met learned believers or took up their books;

doubt of myself; dissatisfaction; and exasperated disputation were

roused within me; and I felt that the more I entered into the

meaning of these men's speech; the more I went astray from truth

and approached an abyss。





                               XV



     How often I envied the peasants their illiteracy and lack of

learning!  Those statements in the creeds which to me were evident

absurdities; for them contained nothing false; they could accept

them and could believe in the truth  the truth I believed in。 

Only to me; unhappy man; was it clear that with truth falsehood was

interwoven by finest threads; and that I could not accept it in

that form。

     So I lived for about three years。  At first; when I was only

slightly associated with truth as a catechumen and was only

scenting out what seemed to me clearest; these encounters struck me

less。  When I did not understand anything; I said; 〃It is my fault;

I am sinful〃;  but the more I became imbued with the truths I was

learning; the more they became the basis of my life; the more

oppressive and the more painful became these encounters and the

sharper became the line between what I do not understand because I

am not able to understand it; and what cannot be understood except

by lying to oneself。

     In spite of my doubts and sufferings I still clung to the

Orthodox Church。  But questions of life arose which had to be

decided; and the decision of these questions by the Church 

contrary to the very bases of the belief by which I lived 

obliged me at last to renounce communion with Orthodoxy as

impossible。  These questions were:  first the relation of the

Orthodox Eastern Church to other Churches  to the Catholics and

to the so…called sectarians。  At that time; in consequence of my

interest in religion; I came into touch with believers of various

faiths:  Catholics; protestants; Old…Believers; Molokans 'Footnote: 

A sect that rejects sacraments and ritual。';  and others。  And I

met among them many men of lofty morals who were truly religious。 

I wished to be a brother to them。  And what happened?  That

teaching which promised to unite all in one faith and love  that

very teaching; in the person of its best representatives; told me

that these men were all living a lie; that what gave them their

power of life was a temptation of the devil; and that we alone

possess the only possible truth。  And I saw that all who do not

profess an identical faith with themselves are considered by the

Orthodox to be heretics; just as the Catholics and others consider

the Orthodox to be heretics。  And i saw that the Orthodox (though

they try to hide this) regard with hostility all who do not express

their faith by the same external symbols and words as themselves;

and this is naturally so; first; because the assertion that you are

in falsehood and I am in truth; is the most cruel thing one man can

say to another; and secondly; because a man loving his children and

brothers cannot help being hostile to those who wish to pervert his

children and brothers to a false belief。  And that hostility is

increased in proportion to one's greater knowledge of theology。 

And to me who considered that truth lay in union by love; it became

self…evident that theology was itself destroying what it ought to

produce。

     This offence is so obvious to us educated people who have

lived in countries where various religions are professed and have

seen the contempt; self…assurance; and invincible contradiction

with which Catholics behave to the Orthodox Greeks and to the

Protestants; and the Orthodox to Catholics and Protestants; and the

Protestants to the two others; and the similar attitude of Old…

Believers; Pashkovites (Russian Evangelicals); Shakers; and all

religions  that the very obviousness of the temptation at first

perplexes us。  One says to oneself: it is impossible that it is so

simple and that people do not see that if two assertions are

mutually contradictory; then neither of them has the sole truth

which faith should possess。  There is something else here; there

must be some explanation。  I thought there was; and sought that

explanation and read all I could on the subject; and consulted all

whom I could。  And no one gave me any explanation; except the one

which causes the Sumsky Hussars to consider the Sumsky Hussars the

best regiment in the world; and the Yellow Uhlans to consider that

the best regiment in the world is the Yellow Uhlans。  The

ecclesiastics of all the different creeds; through their best

representatives; told me nothing but that they believed themselves

to have the truth and the others to be in error; and that all they

could do was to pray for them。  I went to archimandrites; bishops;

elders; monks of the strictest orders; and asked them; but none of

them made any attempt to explain the matter to me except one man;

who explained it all and explained it so that I never as

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