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第16章

a confession(忏悔录)-第16章

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quite unnecessary gibberish; but now; if I did not understand them;

I yet knew that they had a meaning; and I said to myself that I

must learn to understand them。

     I argued as follows; telling myself that the knowledge of

faith flows; like all humanity with its reason; from a mysterious

source。  That source is God; the origin both of the human body and

the human reason。  As my body has descended to me from God; so also

has my reason and my understanding of life; and consequently the

various stages of the development of that understanding of life

cannot be false。  All that people sincerely believe in must be

true; it may be differently expressed but it cannot be a lie; and

therefore if it presents itself to me as a lie; that only means

that I have not understood it。  Furthermore I said to myself; the

essence of every faith consists in its giving life a meaning which

death does not destroy。  Naturally for a faith to be able to reply

to the questions of a king dying in luxury; of an old slave

tormented by overwork; of an unreasoning child; of a wise old man;

of a half…witted old woman; of a young and happy wife; of a youth

tormented by passions; of all people in the most varied conditions

of life and education  if there is one reply to the one eternal

question of life:  〃Why do I live and what will result from my

life?〃  the reply; though one in its essence; must be endlessly

varied in its presentation; and the more it is one; the more true

and profound it is; the more strange and deformed must it naturally

appear in its attempted expression; conformably to the education

and position of each person。  But this argument; justifying in my

eyes the queerness of much on the ritual side of religion; did not

suffice to allow me in the one great affair of life  religion 

to do things which seemed to me questionable。  With all my soul I

wished to be in a position to mingle with the people; fulfilling

the ritual side of their religion; but I could not do it。  I felt

that I should lie to myself and mock at what was sacred to me; were

I to do so。  At this point; however; our new Russian theological

writers came to my rescue。

     According to the explanation these theologians gave; the

fundamental dogma of our faith is the infallibility of the Church。 

From the admission of that dogma follows inevitably the truth of

all that is professed by the Church。  The Church as an assembly of

true believers united by love and therefore possessed of true

knowledge became the basis of my belief。  I told myself that divine

truth cannot be accessible to a separate individual; it is revealed

only to the whole assembly of people united by love。  To attain

truth one must not separate; and in order not to separate one must

love and must endure things one may not agree with。

     Truth reveals itself to love; and if you do not submit to the

rites of the Church you transgress against love; and by

transgressing against love you deprive yourself of the possibility

of recognizing the truth。  I did not then see the sophistry

contained in this argument。  I did not see that union in love may

give the greatest love; but certainly cannot give us divine truth

expressed in the definite words of the Nicene Creed。  I also did

not perceive that love cannot make a certain expression of truth an

obligatory condition of union。  I did not then see these mistakes

in the argument and thanks to it was able to accept and perform all

the rites of the Orthodox Church without understanding most of

them。  I then tried with all strength of my soul to avoid all

arguments and contradictions; and tried to explain as reasonably as

possible the Church statements I encountered。

     When fulfilling the rites of the Church I humbled my reason

and submitted to the tradition possessed by all humanity。  I united

myself with my forefathers: the father; mother; and grandparents I

loved。 They and all my predecessors believed and lived; and they

produced me。  I united myself also with the missions of the common

people whom I respected。  Moveover; those actions had nothing bad

in themselves (〃bad〃 I considered the indulgence of one's desires)。 

When rising early for Church services I knew I was doing well; if

only because I was sacrificing my bodily ease to humble my mental

pride; for the sake of union with my ancestors and contemporaries;

and for the sake of finding the meaning of life。  It was the same

with my preparations to receive Communion; and with the daily

reading of prayers with genuflections; and also with the observance

of all the fasts。  However insignificant these sacrifices might be

I made them for the sake of something good。  I fasted; prepared for

Communion; and observed the fixed hours of prayer at home and in

church。  During Church service I attended to every word; and gave

them a meaning whenever I could。  In the Mass the most important

words for me were: 〃Let us love one another in conformity!〃  The

further words; 〃In unity we believe in the Father; the Son; and

Holy Ghost〃; I passed by; because I could not understand them。





                               XIV



     In was then so necessary for me to believe in order to live

that I unconsciously concealed from myself the contradictions and

obscurities of theology。  but this reading of meanings into the

rites had its limits。  If the chief words in the prayer for the

Emperor became more and more clear to me; if I found some

explanation for the words 〃and remembering our Sovereign Most…Holy

Mother of God and all the Saints; ourselves and one another; we

give our whole life to Christ our God〃; if I explained to myself

the frequent repetition of prayers for the Tsar and his relations

by the fact that they are more exposed to temptations than other

people and therefore are more in need of being prayed for  the

prayers about subduing our enemies and evil under our feet (even if

one tried to say that *sin* was the enemy prayed against); these

and other prayers; such as the 〃cherubic song〃 and the whole

sacrament of oblation; or 〃the chosen Warriors〃; etc。  quite two…

thirds of all the services  either remained completely

incomprehensible or; when I forced an explanation into them; made

me feel that I was lying; thereby quite destroying my relation to

God and depriving me of all possibility of belief。

     I felt the same about the celebration of the chief holidays。 

To remember the Sabbath; that is to devote one day to God; was

something I could understand。  But the chief holiday was in

commemoration of the Resurrection; the reality of which I could not

picture to myself or understand。  And that name of 〃Resurrection〃

was also given the weekly holiday。   'Footnote: In Russia Sunday

was called Resurrection…day。  A。 M。'  And on those days the

Sacrament of the Eucharist was administered; which was quite

unintelligible to me。  The rest of the twelve great holidays;

except Christmas; commemorated miracles  the things I tried not

to think about in order not to deny: the Ascension; Pentecost;

Epiphany; the Feast of the Intercession of the Holy Virgin; etc。 

At the celebration of these holidays; feeling that importance was

being attributed to the very things that to me presented a negative

importance; I either devised tranquillizing explanations or shut my

eyes in order not to see what tempted me。

     Most of all this happened to me when taking part in the most

usual Sacraments; which are considered the most important: baptism

and communion。  There I encountered not incomprehensible but fully

comprehensible doings: doings which seemed to me to lead into

temptation; and I was in a dilemma  whether to lie or to reject

them。

     Never shall I forge the painful feeling I experienced the day

I received the Eucharist for the first time after many years。  The

service; confession; and prayers were quite intelligible and

produced in me a glad consciousness that the meaning of life w

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