a confession(忏悔录)-第14章

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answer　would　be　perfectly　correct；　but　only　as　applied　to　himself。　

What　if　I　am　such　a　madman？　　What　if　all　we　rich　and　leisured

people　are　such　madmen？　and　I　understood　that　we　really　are　such

madmen。　　I　at　any　rate　was　certainly　such。

　　　　　And　indeed　a　bird　is　so　made　that　it　must　fly；　collect　food；

and　build　a　nest；　and　when　I　see　that　a　bird　does　this　I　have

pleasure　in　its　joy。　　A　goat；　a　hare；　and　a　wolf　are　so　made　that

they　must　feed　themselves；　and　must　breed　and　feed　their　family；

and　when　they　do　so　I　feel　firmly　assured　that　they　are　happy　and

that　their　life　is　a　reasonable　one。　　then　what　should　a　man　do？　

He　too　should　produce　his　living　as　the　animals　do；　but　with　this

difference；　that　he　will　perish　if　he　does　it　alone；　he　must　obtain

it　not　for　himself　but　for　all。　　And　when　he　does　that；　I　have　a

firm　assurance　that　he　is　happy　and　that　his　life　is　reasonable。　

But　what　had　I　done　during　the　whole　thirty　years　of　my　responsible

life？　　Far　from　producing　sustenance　for　all；　I　did　not　even

produce　it　for　myself。　　I　lived　as　a　parasite；　and　on　asking

myself；　what　is　the　use　of　my　life？　I　got　the　reply：　〃No　use。〃　　If

the　meaning　of　human　life　lies　in　supporting　it；　how　could　I　　who

for　thirty　years　had　been　engaged　not　on　supporting　life　but　on

destroying　it　in　myself　and　in　others　　how　could　I　obtain　any

other　answer　than　that　my　life　was　senseless　and　an　evil？　。。。　It

was　both　senseless　and　evil。

　　　　　The　life　of　the　world　endures　by　someone's　will　　by　the　life

of　the　whole　world　and　by　our　lives　someone　fulfills　his　purpose。　

To　hope　to　understand　the　meaning　of　that　will　one　must　first

perform　it　by　doing　what　is　wanted　of　us。　　But　if　I　will　not　do

what　is　wanted　of　me；　I　shall　never　understand　what　is　wanted　of

me；　and　still　less　what　is　wanted　of　us　all　and　of　the　whole　world。

　　　　　If　a　naked；　hungry　beggar　has　been　taken　from　the　cross…roads；

brought　into　a　building　belonging　to　a　beautiful　establishment；

fed；　supplied　with　drink；　and　obliged　to　move　a　handle　up　and　down；

evidently；　before　discussing　why　he　was　taken；　why　he　should　move

the　handle；　and　whether　the　whole　establishment　is　reasonably

arranged　　the　begger　should　first　of　all　move　the　handle。　　If　he

moves　the　handle　he　will　understand　that　it　works　a　pump；　that　the

pump　draws　water　and　that　the　water　irrigates　the　garden　beds；　then

he　will　be　taken　from　the　pumping　station　to　another　place　where　he

will　gather　fruits　and　will　enter　into　the　joy　of　his　master；　and；

passing　from　lower　to　higher　work；　will　understand　more　and　more　of

the　arrangements　of　the　establishment；　and　taking　part　in　it　will

never　think　of　asking　why　he　is　there；　and　will　certainly　not

reproach　the　master。

　　　　　So　those　who　do　his　will；　the　simple；　unlearned　working　folk；

whom　we　regard　as　cattle；　do　not　reproach　the　master；　but　we；　the

wise；　eat　the　master's　food　but　do　not　do　what　the　master　wishes；

and　instead　of　doing　it　sit　in　a　circle　and　discuss：　〃Why　should

that　handle　be　moved？　　Isn't　it　stupid？〃　　So　we　have　decided。　　We

have　decided　that　the　master　is　stupid；　or　does　not　exist；　and　that

we　are　wise；　only　we　feel　that　we　are　quite　useless　and　that　we

must　somehow　do　away　with　ourselves。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　
　XII



　　　　　The　consciousness　of　the　error　in　reasonable　knowledge　helped

me　to　free　myself　from　the　temptation　of　idle　ratiocination。　　the

conviction　that　knowledge　of　truth　can　only　be　found　by　living　led

me　to　doubt　the　rightness　of　my　life；　but　I　was　saved　only　by　the

fact　that　I　was　able　to　tear　myself　from　my　exclusiveness　and　to

see　the　real　life　of　the　plain　working　people；　and　to　understand

that　it　alone　is　real　life。　　I　understood　that　if　I　wish　to

understand　life　and　its　meaning；　I　must　not　live　the　life　of　a

parasite；　but　must　live　a　real　life；　and　　taking　the　meaning

given　to　live　by　real　humanity　and　merging　myself　in　that　life　

verify　it。

　　　　　During　that　time　this　is　what　happened　to　me。　　During　that

whole　year；　when　I　was　asking　myself　almost　every　moment　whether　I

should　not　end　matters　with　a　noose　or　a　bullet　　all　that　time；

together　with　the　course　of　thought　and　observation　about　which　I

have　spoken；　my　heart　was　oppressed　with　a　painful　feeling；　which

I　can　only　describe　as　a　search　for　God。

　　　　　I　say　that　that　search　for　God　was　not　reasoning；　but　a

feeling；　because　that　search　proceeded　not　from　the　course　of　my

thoughts　　it　was　even　directly　contrary　to　them　　but　proceeded

from　the　heart。　It　was　a　feeling　of　fear；　orphanage；　isolation　in

a　strange　land；　and　a　hope　of　help　from　someone。

　　　　　Though　I　was　quite　convinced　of　the　impossibility　of　proving

the　existence　of　a　Deity　（Kant　had　shown；　and　I　quite　understood

him；　that　it　could　not　be　proved）；　I　yet　sought　for　god；　hoped　that

I　should　find　Him；　and　from　old　habit　addressed　prayers　to　that

which　I　sought　but　had　not　found。　　I　went　over　in　my　mind　the

arguments　of　Kant　and　Schopenhauer　showing　the　impossibility　of

proving　the　existence　of　a　God；　and　I　began　to　verify　those

arguments　and　to　refute　them。　　Cause；　said　I　to　myself；　is　not　a

category　of　thought　such　as　are　Time　and　Space。　　If　I　exist；　there

must　be　some　cause　for　it；　and　a　cause　of　causes。　　And　that　first

cause　of　all　is　what　men　have　called　〃God〃。　　And　I　paused　on　that

thought；　and　tried　with　all　my　being　to　recognize　the　presence　of

that　cause。　　And　as　soon　as　I　acknowledged　that　there　is　a　force　in

whose　power　I　am；　I　at　once　felt　that　I　could　live。　　But　I　asked

myself：　What　is　that　cause；　that　force？　　How　am　I　to　think　of　it？　

What　are　my　relations　to　that　which　I　call　〃God〃？　　And　only　the

familiar　replies　occurred　to　me：　　〃He　is　the　Creator　and

Preserver。〃　　This　reply　did　not　satisfy　me；　and　I　felt　I　was　losing

within　me　what　I　needed　for　my　life。　　I　became　terrified　and　began

to　pray　to　Him　whom　I　sought；　that　He　should　help　me。　　But　the　more

I　prayed　the　more　apparent　it　became　to　me　that　He　did　not　hear　me；

and　that　there　was　no　one　to　whom　to　address　myself。　　And　with

despair　in　my　heart　that　there　is　no　God　at　all；　I　said：　　〃Lord；

have　mercy；　save　me！　　Lord；　teach　me！〃　　But　no　one　had　mercy　on　me；

and　I　felt　that　my　life　was　coming　to　a　standstill。

　　　　　But　again　and　again；　from　various　sides；　I　returned　to　the

same　conclusion　that　I　could　not　have　come　into　the　world　without

any　cause　or　reason　or　meaning；　I　could　not　be　such　a　fledgling

fallen　from　its　nest　as　I　felt　myself　to　be。　　Or；　granting　that　I

be　such；　lying　on　my　back　crying　in　the　high　grass；　even　then　I　cry

because　I　know　that　a　mother　has　borne　me　within　her；　has　hatched

me；　warmed　me；　fed　me；　and　loved　me。　　Where　is　she　　that　mother？　

If　I　have　been　deserted；　who　has　deserted　me？　　I　cannot　hide　from

myself　that　someone　bored　me；　loving　me。　　Who　was　that　someone？　

Again　〃God〃？　　He　knows　and　sees　my　searching；　my　despair；　and　my

struggle。〃

　　　　　〃He　exists；〃　said　I　to　myself。　　And　I　had　only　for　an　instant

to　admit　that；　and　at　once　life　rose　within　me；　and　I　felt　the

possibility　and　joy　of　being。　　But　again；　from　the　admission　of　the

existence　of　a　God　I　went　on　to　seek　my　relation　with　Him；　and

again　I　imagined　*that*　God　　our　Creator　in　Three　Persons　who

sent　His　Son；　the　Saviour　　and　again　*that*　God；　detached　from

the　world　and　from　me；　melted　like　a　block　of　ice；　melted　before　my

eyes；　and　again　nothing　remained；　and　again　the　spring　of　life

dried　up　within　me；　and　I　despaired　and　felt　that　I　had　nothing　to

do　but　to　kill　myself。　　And　the　worst　of　all　was；　that　I　felt　I

could　not　do　it。

　　　　　Not　twice　or　three　times；　but　tens　and　hundreds　of　times；　I

reached　those　conditions；　first　of　joy　and　animation；　and　then　of

despair　and　consciousness　of　the　impossibility　of　living。

　　　　　I　remember　that　it　was　in　early　spring：　I　was　alone　in　the

wood　listening　to　its　sounds。　　I　listened　and　thought　ever　of　the

same　thing；　as　I　had　constantly　done　during　those　last　thr