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第13章

a confession(忏悔录)-第13章

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itself from motives which had much in common with his own

perception that the upper layers of Society are parasitic and prey

on the vitals of the people who support them。  A。M。' by people of

our circle who were the most unbelieving; but never by our so…

called believers。

     And I understood that the belief of these people was not the

faith I sought; and that their faith is not a real faith but an

epicurean consolation in life。

     I understood that that faith may perhaps serve; if not for a

consolation at least for some distraction for a repentant Solomon

on his death…bed; but it cannot serve for the great majority of

mankind; who are called on not to amuse themselves while consuming

the labour of others but to create life。

     For all humanity to be able to live; and continue to live

attributing a meaning to life; they; those milliards; must have a

different; a real; knowledge of faith。  Indeed; it was not the fact

that we; with Solomon and Schopenhauer; did not kill ourselves that

convinced me of the existence of faith; but the fact that those

milliards of people have lived and are living; and have borne

Solomon and us on the current of their lives。

     And I began to draw near to the believers among the poor;

simple; unlettered folk: pilgrims; monks; sectarians; and peasants。 

The faith of these common people was the same Christian faith as

was professed by the pseudo…believers of our circle。  Among them;

too; I found a great deal of superstition mixed with the Christian

truths; but the difference was that the superstitions of the

believers of our circle were quite unnecessary to them and were not

in conformity with their lives; being merely a kind of epicurean

diversion; but the superstitions of the believers among the

labouring masses conformed so with their lives that it was

impossible to imagine them to oneself without those superstitions;

which were a necessary condition of their life。  the whole life of

believers in our circle was a contradiction of their faith; but the

whole life of the working…folk believers was a confirmation of the

meaning of life which their faith gave them。  And I began to look

well into the life and faith of these people; and the more I

considered it the more I became convinced that they have a real

faith which is a necessity to them and alone gives their life a

meaning and makes it possible for them to live。  In contrast with

what I had seen in our circle  where life without faith is

possible and where hardly one in a thousand acknowledges himself to

be a believer  among them there is hardly one unbeliever in a

thousand。  In contrast with what I had seen in our circle; where

the whole of life is passed in idleness; amusement; and

dissatisfaction; I saw that the whole life of these people was

passed in heavy labour; and that they were content with life。  In

contradistinction to the way in which people of our circle oppose

fate and complain of it on account of deprivations and sufferings;

these people accepted illness and sorrow without any perplexity or

opposition; and with a quiet and firm conviction that all is good。 

In contradistinction to us; who the wiser we are the less we

understand the meaning of life; and see some evil irony in the fact

that we suffer and die; these folk live and suffer; and they

approach death and suffering with tranquillity and in most cases

gladly。  In contrast to the fact that a tranquil death; a death

without horror and despair; is a very rare exception in our circle;

a troubled; rebellious; and unhappy death is the rarest exception

among the people。  and such people; lacking all that for us and for

Solomon is the only good of life and yet experiencing the greatest

happiness; are a great multitude。  I looked more widely around me。 

I considered the life of the enormous mass of the people in the

past and the present。  And of such people; understanding the

meaning of life and able to live and to die; I saw not two or

three; or tens; but hundreds; thousands; and millions。  and they

all  endlessly different in their manners; minds; education; and

position; as they were  all alike; in complete contrast to my

ignorance; knew the meaning of life and death; laboured quietly;

endured deprivations and sufferings; and lived and died seeing

therein not vanity but good。

     And I learnt to love these people。  The more I came to know

their life; the life of those who are living and of others who are

dead of whom I read and heard; the more I loved them and the easier

it became for me to live。  So I went on for about two years; and a

change took place in me which had long been preparing and the

promise of which had always been in me。  It came about that the

life of our circle; the rich and learned; not merely became

distasteful to me; but lost all meaning in my eyes。  All our

actions; discussions; science and art; presented itself to me in a

new light。  I understood that it is all merely self…indulgence; and

the to find a meaning in it is impossible; while the life of the

whole labouring people; the whole of mankind who produce life;

appeared to me in its true significance。  I understood that *that*

is life itself; and that the meaning given to that life is true:

and I accepted it。





                               XI



     And remembering how those very beliefs had repelled me and had

seemed meaningless when professed by people whose lives conflicted

with them; and how these same beliefs attracted me and seemed

reasonable when I saw that people lived in accord with them; I

understood why I had then rejected those beliefs and found them

meaningless; yet now accepted them and found them full of meaning。 

I understood that I had erred; and why I erred。  I had erred not so

much because I thought incorrectly as because I lived badly。  I

understood that it was not an error in my thought that had hid

truth from me as much as my life itself in the exceptional

conditions of epicurean gratification of desires in which I passed

it。  I understood that my question as to what my life is; and the

answer  and evil  was quite correct。  The only mistake was that

the answer referred only to my life; while I had referred it to

life in general。  I asked myself what my life is; and got the

reply: An evil and an absurdity。  and really my life  a life of

indulgence of desires  was senseless and evil; and therefore the

reply; 〃Life is evil and an absurdity〃; referred only to my life;

but not to human life in general。  I understood the truth which I

afterwards found in the Gospels; 〃that men loved darkness rather

than the light; for their works were evil。  For everyone that doeth

ill hateth the light; and cometh not to the light; lest his works

should be reproved。〃  I perceived that to understand the meaning of

life it is necessary first that life should not be meaningless and

evil; then we can apply reason to explain it。  I understood why I

had so long wandered round so evident a truth; and that if one is

to think and speak of the life of mankind; one must think and speak

of that life and not of the life of some of life's parasites。  That

truth was always as true as that two and two are four; but I had

not acknowledged it; because on admitting two and two to be four I

had also to admit that I was bad; and to feel myself to be good was

for me more important and necessary than for two and two to be

four。  I came to love good people; hated myself; and confessed the

truth。  Now all became clear to me。

     What if an executioner passing his whole life in torturing

people and cutting off their heads; or a hopeless drunkard; or a

madman settled for life in a dark room which he has fouled and

imagines that he would perish if he left  what if he asked

himself: 〃What is life?〃  Evidently he could not other reply to

that question than that life is the greatest evil; and the madman's

answer would be perfectly correct; but only as applied

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