a confession(忏悔录)-第13章

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itself　from　motives　which　had　much　in　common　with　his　own

perception　that　the　upper　layers　of　Society　are　parasitic　and　prey

on　the　vitals　of　the　people　who　support　them。　　A。M。＇　by　people　of

our　circle　who　were　the　most　unbelieving；　but　never　by　our　so…

called　believers。

　　　　　And　I　understood　that　the　belief　of　these　people　was　not　the

faith　I　sought；　and　that　their　faith　is　not　a　real　faith　but　an

epicurean　consolation　in　life。

　　　　　I　understood　that　that　faith　may　perhaps　serve；　if　not　for　a

consolation　at　least　for　some　distraction　for　a　repentant　Solomon

on　his　death…bed；　but　it　cannot　serve　for　the　great　majority　of

mankind；　who　are　called　on　not　to　amuse　themselves　while　consuming

the　labour　of　others　but　to　create　life。

　　　　　For　all　humanity　to　be　able　to　live；　and　continue　to　live

attributing　a　meaning　to　life；　they；　those　milliards；　must　have　a

different；　a　real；　knowledge　of　faith。　　Indeed；　it　was　not　the　fact

that　we；　with　Solomon　and　Schopenhauer；　did　not　kill　ourselves　that

convinced　me　of　the　existence　of　faith；　but　the　fact　that　those

milliards　of　people　have　lived　and　are　living；　and　have　borne

Solomon　and　us　on　the　current　of　their　lives。

　　　　　And　I　began　to　draw　near　to　the　believers　among　the　poor；

simple；　unlettered　folk：　pilgrims；　monks；　sectarians；　and　peasants。　

The　faith　of　these　common　people　was　the　same　Christian　faith　as

was　professed　by　the　pseudo…believers　of　our　circle。　　Among　them；

too；　I　found　a　great　deal　of　superstition　mixed　with　the　Christian

truths；　but　the　difference　was　that　the　superstitions　of　the

believers　of　our　circle　were　quite　unnecessary　to　them　and　were　not

in　conformity　with　their　lives；　being　merely　a　kind　of　epicurean

diversion；　but　the　superstitions　of　the　believers　among　the

labouring　masses　conformed　so　with　their　lives　that　it　was

impossible　to　imagine　them　to　oneself　without　those　superstitions；

which　were　a　necessary　condition　of　their　life。　　the　whole　life　of

believers　in　our　circle　was　a　contradiction　of　their　faith；　but　the

whole　life　of　the　working…folk　believers　was　a　confirmation　of　the

meaning　of　life　which　their　faith　gave　them。　　And　I　began　to　look

well　into　the　life　and　faith　of　these　people；　and　the　more　I

considered　it　the　more　I　became　convinced　that　they　have　a　real

faith　which　is　a　necessity　to　them　and　alone　gives　their　life　a

meaning　and　makes　it　possible　for　them　to　live。　　In　contrast　with

what　I　had　seen　in　our　circle　　where　life　without　faith　is

possible　and　where　hardly　one　in　a　thousand　acknowledges　himself　to

be　a　believer　　among　them　there　is　hardly　one　unbeliever　in　a

thousand。　　In　contrast　with　what　I　had　seen　in　our　circle；　where

the　whole　of　life　is　passed　in　idleness；　amusement；　and

dissatisfaction；　I　saw　that　the　whole　life　of　these　people　was

passed　in　heavy　labour；　and　that　they　were　content　with　life。　　In

contradistinction　to　the　way　in　which　people　of　our　circle　oppose

fate　and　complain　of　it　on　account　of　deprivations　and　sufferings；

these　people　accepted　illness　and　sorrow　without　any　perplexity　or

opposition；　and　with　a　quiet　and　firm　conviction　that　all　is　good。　

In　contradistinction　to　us；　who　the　wiser　we　are　the　less　we

understand　the　meaning　of　life；　and　see　some　evil　irony　in　the　fact

that　we　suffer　and　die；　these　folk　live　and　suffer；　and　they

approach　death　and　suffering　with　tranquillity　and　in　most　cases

gladly。　　In　contrast　to　the　fact　that　a　tranquil　death；　a　death

without　horror　and　despair；　is　a　very　rare　exception　in　our　circle；

a　troubled；　rebellious；　and　unhappy　death　is　the　rarest　exception

among　the　people。　　and　such　people；　lacking　all　that　for　us　and　for

Solomon　is　the　only　good　of　life　and　yet　experiencing　the　greatest

happiness；　are　a　great　multitude。　　I　looked　more　widely　around　me。　

I　considered　the　life　of　the　enormous　mass　of　the　people　in　the

past　and　the　present。　　And　of　such　people；　understanding　the

meaning　of　life　and　able　to　live　and　to　die；　I　saw　not　two　or

three；　or　tens；　but　hundreds；　thousands；　and　millions。　　and　they

all　　endlessly　different　in　their　manners；　minds；　education；　and

position；　as　they　were　　all　alike；　in　complete　contrast　to　my

ignorance；　knew　the　meaning　of　life　and　death；　laboured　quietly；

endured　deprivations　and　sufferings；　and　lived　and　died　seeing

therein　not　vanity　but　good。

　　　　　And　I　learnt　to　love　these　people。　　The　more　I　came　to　know

their　life；　the　life　of　those　who　are　living　and　of　others　who　are

dead　of　whom　I　read　and　heard；　the　more　I　loved　them　and　the　easier

it　became　for　me　to　live。　　So　I　went　on　for　about　two　years；　and　a

change　took　place　in　me　which　had　long　been　preparing　and　the

promise　of　which　had　always　been　in　me。　　It　came　about　that　the

life　of　our　circle；　the　rich　and　learned；　not　merely　became

distasteful　to　me；　but　lost　all　meaning　in　my　eyes。　　All　our

actions；　discussions；　science　and　art；　presented　itself　to　me　in　a

new　light。　　I　understood　that　it　is　all　merely　self…indulgence；　and

the　to　find　a　meaning　in　it　is　impossible；　while　the　life　of　the

whole　labouring　people；　the　whole　of　mankind　who　produce　life；

appeared　to　me　in　its　true　significance。　　I　understood　that　*that*

is　life　itself；　and　that　the　meaning　given　to　that　life　is　true：

and　I　accepted　it。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　XI



　　　　　And　remembering　how　those　very　beliefs　had　repelled　me　and　had

seemed　meaningless　when　professed　by　people　whose　lives　conflicted

with　them；　and　how　these　same　beliefs　attracted　me　and　seemed

reasonable　when　I　saw　that　people　lived　in　accord　with　them；　I

understood　why　I　had　then　rejected　those　beliefs　and　found　them

meaningless；　yet　now　accepted　them　and　found　them　full　of　meaning。　

I　understood　that　I　had　erred；　and　why　I　erred。　　I　had　erred　not　so

much　because　I　thought　incorrectly　as　because　I　lived　badly。　　I

understood　that　it　was　not　an　error　in　my　thought　that　had　hid

truth　from　me　as　much　as　my　life　itself　in　the　exceptional

conditions　of　epicurean　gratification　of　desires　in　which　I　passed

it。　　I　understood　that　my　question　as　to　what　my　life　is；　and　the

answer　　and　evil　　was　quite　correct。　　The　only　mistake　was　that

the　answer　referred　only　to　my　life；　while　I　had　referred　it　to

life　in　general。　　I　asked　myself　what　my　life　is；　and　got　the

reply：　An　evil　and　an　absurdity。　　and　really　my　life　　a　life　of

indulgence　of　desires　　was　senseless　and　evil；　and　therefore　the

reply；　〃Life　is　evil　and　an　absurdity〃；　referred　only　to　my　life；

but　not　to　human　life　in　general。　　I　understood　the　truth　which　I

afterwards　found　in　the　Gospels；　〃that　men　loved　darkness　rather

than　the　light；　for　their　works　were　evil。　　For　everyone　that　doeth

ill　hateth　the　light；　and　cometh　not　to　the　light；　lest　his　works

should　be　reproved。〃　　I　perceived　that　to　understand　the　meaning　of

life　it　is　necessary　first　that　life　should　not　be　meaningless　and

evil；　then　we　can　apply　reason　to　explain　it。　　I　understood　why　I

had　so　long　wandered　round　so　evident　a　truth；　and　that　if　one　is

to　think　and　speak　of　the　life　of　mankind；　one　must　think　and　speak

of　that　life　and　not　of　the　life　of　some　of　life's　parasites。　　That

truth　was　always　as　true　as　that　two　and　two　are　four；　but　I　had

not　acknowledged　it；　because　on　admitting　two　and　two　to　be　four　I

had　also　to　admit　that　I　was　bad；　and　to　feel　myself　to　be　good　was

for　me　more　important　and　necessary　than　for　two　and　two　to　be

four。　　I　came　to　love　good　people；　hated　myself；　and　confessed　the

truth。　　Now　all　became　clear　to　me。

　　　　　What　if　an　executioner　passing　his　whole　life　in　torturing

people　and　cutting　off　their　heads；　or　a　hopeless　drunkard；　or　a

madman　settled　for　life　in　a　dark　room　which　he　has　fouled　and

imagines　that　he　would　perish　if　he　left　　what　if　he　asked

himself：　〃What　is　life？〃　　Evidently　he　could　not　other　reply　to

that　question　than　that　life　is　the　greatest　evil；　and　the　madman's

answer　would　be　perfectly　correct；　but　only　as　applied