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第12章

a confession(忏悔录)-第12章

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If he did not believe that one must live for something; he would

not live。  If he does not see and recognize the illusory nature of

the finite; he believes in the finite; if he understands the

illusory nature of the finite; he must believe in the infinite。 

Without faith he cannot live。

     And I recalled the whole course of my mental labour and was

horrified。  It was now clear to me that for man to be able to live

he must either not see the infinite; or have such an explanation of

the meaning of life as will connect the finite with the infinite。 

Such an explanation I had had; but as long as I believed in the

finite I did not need the explanation; and I began to verify it by

reason。  And in the light of reason the whole of my former

explanation flew to atoms。  But a time came when I ceased to

believe in the finite。  And then I began to build up on rational

foundations; out of what I knew; an explanation which would give a

meaning to life; but nothing could I build。  Together with the best

human intellects I reached the result that o equals o; and was much

astonished at that conclusion; though nothing else could have

resulted。

     What was I doing when I sought an answer in the experimental

sciences?  I wished to know why I live; and for this purpose

studied all that is outside me。  Evidently I might learn much; but

nothing of what I needed。

     What was I doing when I sought an answer in philosophical

knowledge?  I was studying the thoughts of those who had found

themselves in the same position as I; lacking a reply to the

question 〃why do I live?〃 Evidently I could learn nothing but what

I knew myself; namely that nothing can be known。

     What am I?  A part of the infinite。  In those few words lies

the whole problem。

     Is it possible that humanity has only put that question to

itself since yesterday?  And can no one before me have set himself

that question  a question so simple; and one that springs to the

tongue of every wise child?

     Surely that question has been asked since man began; and

naturally for the solution of that question since man began it has

been equally insufficient to compare the finite with the finite and

the infinite with the infinite; and since man began the relation of

the finite to the infinite has been sought out and expressed。

     All these conceptions in which the finite has been adjusted to

the infinite and a meaning found for life  the conception of God;

of will; of goodness  we submit to logical examination。  And all

those conceptions fail to stand reason's criticism。

     Were it not so terrible it would be ludicrous with what pride

and self…satisfaction we; like children; pull the watch to pieces;

take out the spring; make a toy of it; and are then surprised that

the watch does not go。

     A solution of the contradiction between the finite and the

infinite; and such a reply to the question of life as will make it

possible to live; is necessary and precious。  And that is the only

solution which we find everywhere; always; and among all peoples: 

a solution descending from times in which we lose sight of the life

of man; a solution so difficult that we can compose nothing like it

 and this solution we light…heartedly destroy in order again to

set the same question; which is natural to everyone and to which we

have no answer。

     The conception of an infinite god; the divinity of the soul;

the connexion of human affairs with God; the unity and existence of

the soul; man's conception of moral goodness and evil  are

conceptions formulated in the hidden infinity of human thought;

they are those conceptions without which neither life nor I should

exist; yet rejecting all that labour of the whole of humanity; I

wished to remake it afresh myself and in my own manner。

     I did not then think like that; but the germs of these

thoughts were already in me。  I understood; in the first place;

that my position with Schopenhauer and Solomon; notwithstanding our

wisdom; was stupid:  we see that life is an evil and yet continue

to live。  That is evidently stupid; for if life is senseless and I

am so fond of what is reasonable; it should be destroyed; and then

there would be no one to challenge it。  Secondly; I understood that

all one's reasonings turned in a vicious circle like a wheel out of

gear with its pinion。  However much and however well we may reason

we cannot obtain a reply to the question; and o will always equal

o; and therefore our path is probably erroneous。  Thirdly; I began

to understand that in the replies given by faith is stored up the

deepest human wisdom and that I had no right to deny them on the

ground of reason; and that those answers are the only ones which

reply to life's question。





                                X



     I understood this; but it made matters no better for me。  I

was now ready to accept any faith if only it did not demand of me

a direct denial of reason  which would be a falsehood。  And I

studied Buddhism and Mohammedanism from books; and most of all I

studied Christianity both from books and from the people around me。

     Naturally I first of all turned to the orthodox of my circle;

to people who were learned:  to Church theologians; monks; to

theologians of the newest shade; and even to Evangelicals who

profess salvation by belief in the Redemption。  And I seized on

these believers and questioned them as to their beliefs and their

understanding of the meaning of life。

     But though I made all possible concessions; and avoided all

disputes; I could not accept the faith of these people。  I saw that

what they gave out as their faith did not explain the meaning of

life but obscured it; and that they themselves affirm their belief

not to answer that question of life which brought me to faith; but

for some other aims alien to me。

     I remember the painful feeling of fear of being thrown back

into my former state of despair; after the hope I often and often

experienced in my intercourse with these people。

     The more fully they explained to me their doctrines; the more

clearly did I perceive their error and realized that my hope of

finding in their belief an explanation of the meaning of life was

vain。

     It was not that in their doctrines they mixed many unnecessary

and unreasonable things with the Christian truths that had always

been near to me: that was not what repelled me。  I was repelled by

the fact that these people's lives were like my own; with only this

difference  that such a life did not correspond to the principles

they expounded in their teachings。  I clearly felt that they

deceived themselves and that they; like myself found no other

meaning in life than to live while life lasts; taking all one's

hands can seize。  I saw this because if they had had a meaning

which destroyed the fear of loss; suffering; and death; they would

not have feared these things。  But they; these believers of our

circle; just like myself; living in sufficiency and superfluity;

tried to increase or preserve them; feared privations; suffering;

and death; and just like myself and all of us unbelievers; lived to

satisfy their desires; and lived just as badly; if not worse; than

the unbelievers。

     No arguments could convince me of the truth of their faith。 

Only deeds which showed that they saw a meaning in life making what

was so dreadful to me  poverty; sickness; and death  not

dreadful to them; could convince me。  And such deeds I did not see

among the various believers in our circle。  On the contrary; I saw

such deeds done 'Footnote: this passage is noteworthy as being one

of the few references made by Tolstoy at this period to the

revolutionary or 〃Back…to…the…People〃 movement; in which many young

men and women were risking and sacrificing home; property; and life

itself from motives which had much in common with his own

perception that the upper layers of Society are parasit

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