a confession(忏悔录)-第12章

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If　he　did　not　believe　that　one　must　live　for　something；　he　would

not　live。　　If　he　does　not　see　and　recognize　the　illusory　nature　of

the　finite；　he　believes　in　the　finite；　if　he　understands　the

illusory　nature　of　the　finite；　he　must　believe　in　the　infinite。　

Without　faith　he　cannot　live。

　　　　　And　I　recalled　the　whole　course　of　my　mental　labour　and　was

horrified。　　It　was　now　clear　to　me　that　for　man　to　be　able　to　live

he　must　either　not　see　the　infinite；　or　have　such　an　explanation　of

the　meaning　of　life　as　will　connect　the　finite　with　the　infinite。　

Such　an　explanation　I　had　had；　but　as　long　as　I　believed　in　the

finite　I　did　not　need　the　explanation；　and　I　began　to　verify　it　by

reason。　　And　in　the　light　of　reason　the　whole　of　my　former

explanation　flew　to　atoms。　　But　a　time　came　when　I　ceased　to

believe　in　the　finite。　　And　then　I　began　to　build　up　on　rational

foundations；　out　of　what　I　knew；　an　explanation　which　would　give　a

meaning　to　life；　but　nothing　could　I　build。　　Together　with　the　best

human　intellects　I　reached　the　result　that　o　equals　o；　and　was　much

astonished　at　that　conclusion；　though　nothing　else　could　have

resulted。

　　　　　What　was　I　doing　when　I　sought　an　answer　in　the　experimental

sciences？　　I　wished　to　know　why　I　live；　and　for　this　purpose

studied　all　that　is　outside　me。　　Evidently　I　might　learn　much；　but

nothing　of　what　I　needed。

　　　　　What　was　I　doing　when　I　sought　an　answer　in　philosophical

knowledge？　　I　was　studying　the　thoughts　of　those　who　had　found

themselves　in　the　same　position　as　I；　lacking　a　reply　to　the

question　〃why　do　I　live？〃　Evidently　I　could　learn　nothing　but　what

I　knew　myself；　namely　that　nothing　can　be　known。

　　　　　What　am　I？　　A　part　of　the　infinite。　　In　those　few　words　lies

the　whole　problem。

　　　　　Is　it　possible　that　humanity　has　only　put　that　question　to

itself　since　yesterday？　　And　can　no　one　before　me　have　set　himself

that　question　　a　question　so　simple；　and　one　that　springs　to　the

tongue　of　every　wise　child？

　　　　　Surely　that　question　has　been　asked　since　man　began；　and

naturally　for　the　solution　of　that　question　since　man　began　it　has

been　equally　insufficient　to　compare　the　finite　with　the　finite　and

the　infinite　with　the　infinite；　and　since　man　began　the　relation　of

the　finite　to　the　infinite　has　been　sought　out　and　expressed。

　　　　　All　these　conceptions　in　which　the　finite　has　been　adjusted　to

the　infinite　and　a　meaning　found　for　life　　the　conception　of　God；

of　will；　of　goodness　　we　submit　to　logical　examination。　　And　all

those　conceptions　fail　to　stand　reason's　criticism。

　　　　　Were　it　not　so　terrible　it　would　be　ludicrous　with　what　pride

and　self…satisfaction　we；　like　children；　pull　the　watch　to　pieces；

take　out　the　spring；　make　a　toy　of　it；　and　are　then　surprised　that

the　watch　does　not　go。

　　　　　A　solution　of　the　contradiction　between　the　finite　and　the

infinite；　and　such　a　reply　to　the　question　of　life　as　will　make　it

possible　to　live；　is　necessary　and　precious。　　And　that　is　the　only

solution　which　we　find　everywhere；　always；　and　among　all　peoples：　

a　solution　descending　from　times　in　which　we　lose　sight　of　the　life

of　man；　a　solution　so　difficult　that　we　can　compose　nothing　like　it

　and　this　solution　we　light…heartedly　destroy　in　order　again　to

set　the　same　question；　which　is　natural　to　everyone　and　to　which　we

have　no　answer。

　　　　　The　conception　of　an　infinite　god；　the　divinity　of　the　soul；

the　connexion　of　human　affairs　with　God；　the　unity　and　existence　of

the　soul；　man's　conception　of　moral　goodness　and　evil　　are

conceptions　formulated　in　the　hidden　infinity　of　human　thought；

they　are　those　conceptions　without　which　neither　life　nor　I　should

exist；　yet　rejecting　all　that　labour　of　the　whole　of　humanity；　I

wished　to　remake　it　afresh　myself　and　in　my　own　manner。

　　　　　I　did　not　then　think　like　that；　but　the　germs　of　these

thoughts　were　already　in　me。　　I　understood；　in　the　first　place；

that　my　position　with　Schopenhauer　and　Solomon；　notwithstanding　our

wisdom；　was　stupid：　　we　see　that　life　is　an　evil　and　yet　continue

to　live。　　That　is　evidently　stupid；　for　if　life　is　senseless　and　I

am　so　fond　of　what　is　reasonable；　it　should　be　destroyed；　and　then

there　would　be　no　one　to　challenge　it。　　Secondly；　I　understood　that

all　one's　reasonings　turned　in　a　vicious　circle　like　a　wheel　out　of

gear　with　its　pinion。　　However　much　and　however　well　we　may　reason

we　cannot　obtain　a　reply　to　the　question；　and　o　will　always　equal

o；　and　therefore　our　path　is　probably　erroneous。　　Thirdly；　I　began

to　understand　that　in　the　replies　given　by　faith　is　stored　up　the

deepest　human　wisdom　and　that　I　had　no　right　to　deny　them　on　the

ground　of　reason；　and　that　those　answers　are　the　only　ones　which

reply　to　life's　question。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　X



　　　　　I　understood　this；　but　it　made　matters　no　better　for　me。　　I

was　now　ready　to　accept　any　faith　if　only　it　did　not　demand　of　me

a　direct　denial　of　reason　　which　would　be　a　falsehood。　　And　I

studied　Buddhism　and　Mohammedanism　from　books；　and　most　of　all　I

studied　Christianity　both　from　books　and　from　the　people　around　me。

　　　　　Naturally　I　first　of　all　turned　to　the　orthodox　of　my　circle；

to　people　who　were　learned：　　to　Church　theologians；　monks；　to

theologians　of　the　newest　shade；　and　even　to　Evangelicals　who

profess　salvation　by　belief　in　the　Redemption。　　And　I　seized　on

these　believers　and　questioned　them　as　to　their　beliefs　and　their

understanding　of　the　meaning　of　life。

　　　　　But　though　I　made　all　possible　concessions；　and　avoided　all

disputes；　I　could　not　accept　the　faith　of　these　people。　　I　saw　that

what　they　gave　out　as　their　faith　did　not　explain　the　meaning　of

life　but　obscured　it；　and　that　they　themselves　affirm　their　belief

not　to　answer　that　question　of　life　which　brought　me　to　faith；　but

for　some　other　aims　alien　to　me。

　　　　　I　remember　the　painful　feeling　of　fear　of　being　thrown　back

into　my　former　state　of　despair；　after　the　hope　I　often　and　often

experienced　in　my　intercourse　with　these　people。

　　　　　The　more　fully　they　explained　to　me　their　doctrines；　the　more

clearly　did　I　perceive　their　error　and　realized　that　my　hope　of

finding　in　their　belief　an　explanation　of　the　meaning　of　life　was

vain。

　　　　　It　was　not　that　in　their　doctrines　they　mixed　many　unnecessary

and　unreasonable　things　with　the　Christian　truths　that　had　always

been　near　to　me：　that　was　not　what　repelled　me。　　I　was　repelled　by

the　fact　that　these　people's　lives　were　like　my　own；　with　only　this

difference　　that　such　a　life　did　not　correspond　to　the　principles

they　expounded　in　their　teachings。　　I　clearly　felt　that　they

deceived　themselves　and　that　they；　like　myself　found　no　other

meaning　in　life　than　to　live　while　life　lasts；　taking　all　one's

hands　can　seize。　　I　saw　this　because　if　they　had　had　a　meaning

which　destroyed　the　fear　of　loss；　suffering；　and　death；　they　would

not　have　feared　these　things。　　But　they；　these　believers　of　our

circle；　just　like　myself；　living　in　sufficiency　and　superfluity；

tried　to　increase　or　preserve　them；　feared　privations；　suffering；

and　death；　and　just　like　myself　and　all　of　us　unbelievers；　lived　to

satisfy　their　desires；　and　lived　just　as　badly；　if　not　worse；　than

the　unbelievers。

　　　　　No　arguments　could　convince　me　of　the　truth　of　their　faith。　

Only　deeds　which　showed　that　they　saw　a　meaning　in　life　making　what

was　so　dreadful　to　me　　poverty；　sickness；　and　death　　not

dreadful　to　them；　could　convince　me。　　And　such　deeds　I　did　not　see

among　the　various　believers　in　our　circle。　　On　the　contrary；　I　saw

such　deeds　done　＇Footnote：　this　passage　is　noteworthy　as　being　one

of　the　few　references　made　by　Tolstoy　at　this　period　to　the

revolutionary　or　〃Back…to…the…People〃　movement；　in　which　many　young

men　and　women　were　risking　and　sacrificing　home；　property；　and　life

itself　from　motives　which　had　much　in　common　with　his　own

perception　that　the　upper　layers　of　Society　are　parasit