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第10章

a confession(忏悔录)-第10章

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those of the wise that have brought us to the admission of the

senselessness of life; there remained in me a vague doubt of the

justice of my conclusion。

     It was like this:  I; my reason; have acknowledged that life

is senseless。  If there is nothing higher than reason (and there is

not: nothing can prove that there is); then reason is the creator

of life for me。  If reason did not exist there would be for me no

life。  How can reason deny life when it is the creator of life?  Or

to put it the other way: were there no life; my reason would not

exist; therefore reason is life's son。  Life is all。  Reason is its

fruit yet reason rejects life itself!  I felt that there was

something wrong here。

     Life is a senseless evil; that is certain; said I to myself。 

Yet I have lived and am still living; and all mankind lived and

lives。  How is that?  Why does it live; when it is possible not to

live?  Is it that only I and Schopenhauer are wise enough to

understand the senselessness and evil of life?

     The reasoning showing the vanity of life is not so difficult;

and has long been familiar to the very simplest folk; yet they have

lived and still live。  How is it they all live and never think of

doubting the reasonableness of life?

     My knowledge; confirmed by the wisdom of the sages; has shown

me that everything on earth  organic and inorganic  is all most

cleverly arranged  only my own position is stupid。  and those

fools  the enormous masses of people  know nothing about how

everything organic and inorganic in the world is arranged; but they

live; and it seems to them that their life is very wisely arranged!

。。。

     And it struck me:  〃But what if there is something I do not

yet know?  Ignorance behaves just in that way。  Ignorance always

says just what I am saying。  When it does not know something; it

says that what it does not know is stupid。  Indeed; it appears that

there is a whole humanity that lived and lives as if it understood

the meaning of its life; for without understanding it could not

live; but I say that all this life is senseless and that I cannot

live。

     〃Nothing prevents our denying life by suicide。  well then;

kill yourself; and you won't discuss。  If life displeases you; kill

yourself!  You live; and cannot understand the meaning of life 

then finish it; and do not fool about in life; saying and writing

that you do not understand it。  You have come into good company

where people are contented and know what they are doing; if you

find it dull and repulsive  go away!〃

     Indeed; what are we who are convinced of the necessity of

suicide yet do not decide to commit it; but the weakest; most

inconsistent; and to put it plainly; the stupidest of men; fussing

about with our own stupidity as a fool fusses about with a painted

hussy?  For our wisdom; however indubitable it may be; has not

given us the knowledge of the meaning of our life。  But all mankind

who sustain life  millions of them  do not doubt the meaning of

life。

     Indeed; from the most distant time of which I know anything;

when life began; people have lived knowing the argument about the

vanity of life which has shown me its senselessness; and yet they

lived attributing some meaning to it。

     From the time when any life began among men they had that

meaning of life; and they led that life which has descended to me。 

All that is in me and around me; all; corporeal and incorporeal; is

the fruit of their knowledge of life。  Those very instruments of

thought with which I consider this life and condemn it were all

devised not be me but by them。  I myself was born; taught; and

brought up thanks to them。  They dug out the iron; taught us to cut

down the forests; tamed the cows and horses; taught us to sow corn

and to live together; organized our life; and taught me to think

and speak。  And I; their product; fed; supplied with drink; taught

by them; thinking with their thoughts and words; have argued that

they are an absurdity!  〃There is something wrong;〃 said I to

myself。  〃I have blundered somewhere。〃  But it was a long time

before I could find out where the mistake was。





                              
VIII



     All these doubts; which I am now able to express more or less

systematically; I could not then have expressed。  I then only felt

that however logically inevitable were my conclusions concerning

the vanity of life; confirmed as they were by the greatest

thinkers; there was something not right about them。  Whether it was

in the reasoning itself or in the statement of the question I did

not know  I only felt that the conclusion was rationally

convincing; but that that was insufficient。  All these conclusions

could not so convince me as to make me do what followed from my

reasoning; that is to say; kill myself。  And I should have told an

untruth had I; without killing myself; said that reason had brought

me to the point I had reached。  Reason worked; but something else

was also working which I can only call a consciousness of life。  A

force was working which compelled me to turn my attention to this

and not to that; and it was this force which extricated me from my

desperate situation and turned my mind in quite another direction。 

This force compelled me to turn my attention to the fact that I and

a few hundred similar people are not the whole of mankind; and that

I did not yet know the life of mankind。

     Looking at the narrow circle of my equals; I saw only people

who had not understood the question; or who had understood it and

drowned it in life's intoxication; or had understood it and ended

their lives; or had understood it and yet from weakness were living

out their desperate life。  And I saw no others。  It seemed to me

that that narrow circle of rich; learned; and leisured people to

which I belonged formed the whole of humanity; and that those

milliards of others who have lived and are living were cattle of

some sort  not real people。

     Strange; incredibly incomprehensible as it now seems to me

that I could; while reasoning about life; overlook the whole life

of mankind that surrounded me on all sides; that I could to such a

degree blunder so absurdly as to think that my life; and Solomon's

and Schopenhauer's; is the real; normal life; and that the life of

the milliards is a circumstance undeserving of attention  strange

as this now is to me; I see that so it was。  In the delusion of my

pride of intellect it seemed to me so indubitable that I and

Solomon and Schopenhauer had stated the question so truly and

exactly that nothing else was possible  so indubitable did it

seem that all those milliards consisted of men who had not yet

arrived at an apprehension of all the profundity of the question 

that I sought for the meaning of my life without it once occurring

to me to ask:  〃But what meaning is and has been given to their

lives by all the milliards of common folk who live and have lived

in the world?〃

     I long lived in this state of lunacy; which; in fact if not in

words; is particularly characteristic of us very liberal and

learned people。  But thanks either to the strange physical

affection I have for the real labouring people; which compelled me

to understand them and to see that they are not so stupid as we

suppose; or thanks to the sincerity of my conviction that I could

know nothing beyond the fact that the best I could do was to hang

myself; at any rate I instinctively felt that if I wished to live

and understand the meaning of life; I must seek this meaning not

among those who have lost it and wish to kill themselves; but among

those milliards of the past and the present who make life and who

support the burden of their own lives and of ours also。  And I

considered the enormous masses of those simple; unlearned; and poor

people who have lived and are living and I saw something quite

different。  I saw that; with rare exceptions; all tho

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