the dust-第49章

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and　that　wouldn't　mean　enough　for　clothes。〃

She　shook　her　head　vigorously　and　her　hair　stood　out　yet　more　vividly　and　the　sunbeams　seemed　to　go　mad　with　joy　as　they　danced　over　and　under　and　through　it。　　He　had　ventured　to　glance　up；　again　he　hastily　looked　down。

〃You　spoiled　me；〃　she　went　on。　　〃Those　few　months　over　there　in　Jersey　City。　　It　made　SUCH　a　change　in　me；　though　I　didn't　realize　it　at　the　time。　You　see；　I　hadn't　known　since　I　was　a　tiny　little　girl　what　it　was　to　live　really　decently；　and　so　I　was　able　to　get　along　quite　contentedly。　　I　didn't　know　any　better。〃　　She　made　a　wry　face。　　〃How　I　loathe　the　canned　and　cold　storage　stuff　I　have　to　eat　nowadays。　And　how　I　do　miss　the　beautiful　room　I　had　in　that　big　house　over　there！　and　how　I　miss　Molly　and　Patand　the　gardenand　doing　as　I　pleasedand　the　clothes　I　had：　　I　thought　I　was　being　careful　and　not　spoiling　myself。　　You　may　not　believe　it；　but　I　was　really　conscientious　about　spending　money。〃　　She　laughed　in　a　queer；　absent　way。　　〃I　had　such　a　funny　idea　of　what　I　had　a　right　to　do　and　what　I　hadn't。　　And　I　didn't　spend　so　very　much　on　out…and…out　luxury。　　But　enough　to　spoil　me　for　this　life。〃

As　Norman　listened；　as　he　notedin　her　appearance；　manner；　way　of　talkingthe　many　meaning　signs　of　the　girl　hesitating　at　the　fork　of　the　roadshe　felt　within　him　the　twinges　of　fear；　of　jealousyand　through　fear　and　jealousy；　the　twinges　of　conscience。　She　was　telling　the　truth。　　He　had　undermined　her　ability　to　live　in　purity　the　life　to　which　her　earning　power　assigned　her。　。　。　。　　WHY　had　she　been　so　friendly　to　him？　　Why　had　she　received　him　in　this　informal；　almost　if　not　quite　inviting　fashion？

〃So　you　think　I've　changed？〃　she　was　saying。　〃WellI　have。　　Gracious；　what　a　little　fool　I　was！〃

His　eyes　lifted　with　an　agonized　question　in　them。

She　flushed；　glanced　away；　glanced　at　him　again　with　the　old；　sweet　expression　of　childlike　innocence　which　had　so　often　made　him　wonder　whether　it　was　merely　a　mannerism；　or　was　a　trick；　or　was　indeed　a　beam　from　a　pure　soul。　　〃I'm　foolish　stillin　certain　ways；〃　she　said　significantly。

〃And　you　always　intend　to　be？〃　suggested　he　with　a　forced　smile。

〃Ohyes；〃　replied　shepositively　enough；　yet　it　somehow　had　not　the　full　force　of　her　simple　short　statements　in　the　former　days。

He　believed　her。　　Perhaps　because　he　wished　to　believe；　must　believe；　would　have　been　driven　quite　mad　by　disbelief。　　Still；　he　believed。　　As　yet　she　was　good。　But　it　would　not　last　much　longer。　　With　himor　with　some　other。　　If　with　him；　then　certainly　afterward　with　anotherwith　others。　　No　matter　how　jealously　he　might　guard　her；　she　would　go　that　road；　if　once　she　entered　it。　　If　he　would　have　her　for　his　very　own　he　must　strengthen　her；　not　weaken　her；　must　keep　her　〃foolish　stillin　certain　ways。〃

He　said：　　〃There's　nothing　in　the　other　sort　of　life。〃

〃That's　what　they　say；〃　replied　she；　with　ominous　irritation。　　〃Stillsome　girlsLOTS　of　girls　seem　to　get　on　mighty　well　without　being　so　terribly　particular。〃

〃You　ought　to　see　them　after　a　few　years。〃

〃I'm　only　twenty…one；〃　laughed　she。　　〃I've　got　lots　of　time　before　I'm　old。　。　。　。　　You　haven'tmarried？〃

〃No；〃　said　he。

〃I　thought　I'd　have　heard；　if　you　had。〃　　She　laughed　queerlyagain　shook　out　her　hair；　and　it　shimmered　round　her　face　and　over　her　head　and　out　from　her　shoulders　like　flames。　　〃You've　got　a　kind　of　aMr。　Tetlow　way　of　talking。　　It　doesn't　remind　me　of　you　as　you　were　in　Jersey　City。〃

She　said　nothing；　she　suggested　nothing　that　had　the　least　impropriety　in　it；　or　faintest　hint　of　impropriety。　　It　was　nothing　positive；　nothing　aggressive；　but　a　certain　vague　negative　something　that　gave　him　the　impression　of　innocence　still　innocent　but　looking　or　trying　to　look　tolerantly　where　it　should　not。　　And　he　felt　dizzy　and　sick；　stricken　with　shame　and　remorse　and　jealous　fear。　　Yesshe　was　sliding　slowly；　gently；　unconsciously　down　to　the　depth　in　which　he　had　been　lying；　sick　and　shudderingno；　to　deeper　depthsto　the　depths　where　there　is　no　light；　no　trace　of　a　return　path。　　And　he　had　started　her　down。　　He　had　done　it　when　he；　in　his　pride　and　selfishness；　had　ignored　what　the　success　of　his　project　would　mean　for　her。　　But　he　knew　now；　in　bitterness　and　shame　and　degradation　he　had　learned。　　〃I　was　infamous！〃　he　said　to　himself。

She　began　to　talk　in　a　low；　embarrassed　voice：

〃Sometimes　I　think　of　getting　married。　　There's　a　young　mana　young　lawyerhe　makes　twenty…five　a　week；　but　it'll　be　years　and　years　before　he　has　a　good　living。　　A　man　doesn't　get　on　fast　in　New　York　unless　he　has　pull。〃

Norman；　roused　from　his　remorse；　blazed　inside。　〃You　are　in　love　with　him？〃

She　laughed；　and　he　could　not　tell　whether　it　was　to　tease　him　or　to　evade。

〃You'd　not　care　about　him　long；〃　said　Norman；　〃unless　there　were　more　money　coming　in　than　he'd　be　likely　to　get　soon。　　Love　without　money　doesn't　go　at　least；　not　in　New　York。〃

〃Do　you　suppose　I　don't　know　that？〃　said　she　with　the　irritation　of　one　faced　by　a　hateful　fact。　〃StillI　don't　see　what　to　do。〃

Norman；　biting　his　lip　and　fuming　and　observing　her　with　jealous　eyes；　said　in　the　best　voice　he　could　command；　〃How　long　have　you　been　in　love　with　him？〃

〃Did　I　say　I　was　in　love？〃　mocked　she。

〃You　didn't　say　you　weren't。　　Who　is　he？〃

〃If　you'll　stay　on　about　half　an　hour　or　so；　you'll　see　him。　　Noyou　can't。　　I've　got　to　get　dressed　before　I　let　him　up。　　He　has　very　strict　ideaswhere　I'm　concerned。〃

〃Then　why　did　you　let　ME　come　up？〃　Norman　said；　with　a　penetrating　glance。

She　lowered　her　gaze　and　a　faint　flush　stole　into　her　cheeks。　　Was　it　confession　of　the　purpose　he　suspected？　Or；　was　it　merely　embarrassment？

〃I　heard　of　a　case　once；〃　continued　Norman；　his　gaze　significantly　direct；　〃the　case　of　a　girl　who　was　in　love　with　a　poor　young　fellow。　　She　wanted　money　luxury。　　Also；　she　wanted　the　poor　young　fellow。〃

The　color　flamed　into　the　girl's　face；　then　left　it　pale。　Her　white　fingers　fluttered　with　nervous　grace　into　her　masses　of　hair　and　back　to　her　lap　again；　to　rest　there　in　timid　quiet。

〃She　knew　another　man；〃　pursued　Norman；　〃one　who　was　able　to　give　her　what　she　wanted　in　the　way　of　comfort。　　So；　she　decided　to　make　an　arrangement　with　the　man；　and　keep　it　hidden　from　her　loverand　in　that　way　get　along　pleasantly　until　her　lover　was　in　better　circumstances　。〃

Her　gaze　was　upon　her　hands；　listless　in　her　lap。　　He　felt　that　he　had　spoken　her　unspoken；　probably　unformed　thoughts。　　Yes；　unformed。　　Men　and　women；　especially　women；　habitually　pursued　these　unacknowledged　andeven　unformed　purposes；　in　their　conflicts　of　the　desire　to　get　what　they　wanted　and　their　desire　to　appear　well　to　themselves。

〃What　would　you　think　of　an　arrangement　like　that？〃　asked　he；　determined　to　draw　her　secret　heart　into　the　open　where　he　could　see；　where　she　could　see。

She　lifted　frank；　guileless　eyes　to　his。　　〃I　suppose　the　girl　was　trying　to　do　the　best　she　could。〃

〃What　do　you　think　of　a　girl　who'd　do　that？〃

〃I　don't　judge　anybodyany　more。　　I've　found　out　that　this　world　isn't　at　all　as　I　thoughtas　I　was　taught。〃

〃Would　YOU　do　it？〃

She　smiled　faintly。　　〃No；〃　she　replied　uncertainly。　Then　she　restored　his　wavering　belief　in　her　essential　honesty　and　truthfulness　by　adding：　　〃That　is　to　say；　I　don't　think　I　would。〃

She　busied　herself　with　her　hair；　feeling　it　to　see　whether　it　was　not　yet　dry；　spreading　it　out。　　He　looked　at　her　unseeingly。　　At　last　she　said：　　〃You　must　go。　I've　got　to　get　dressed。〃

〃YesI　must　be　going；〃　said　he　absently；　rising　and　reaching　for　his　hat　on　the　center　table。

She　stood　up；　put　out　her　hand。　　〃I'm　glad　you　came。〃

〃Thank　you；〃　said　he；　still　in　the　same　abstraction。　He　shook　hands　with　her；　moved　hesitatingly　toward　the　door。　　With　his　hand　on　the　knob　he　turned　and　glanced　keenly　at　her。　　He　surprised　in　her　face　a　look　of　mystery　of　seriousness；　of　sadnesswas　there　anxiety　in　it；　also？　　And　then　he　saw　a　certain　elusive　reminder　of　her　fatherand　it　brought　to　him　with　curious　force　the　memory　of　how　she　had　been　brought　up；　of　what　must　be　hers　by　inheritance　and　by　trainingshe；　the　daughter　of　a　great　and　simple　and　noble　man

〃Yo