the dust-第39章
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〃I've always despised you；〃 she went on； and he shivered before that contemptuous wordit seemed only the more contemptuous for her calmness。 〃Sometimes I've despised you thoroughlyagain only a littlebut always that feeling。〃
For a moment he thought she had at last stung his pride into the semblance of haughtiness。 He was able to look at her with mocking eyes and to say； 〃I congratulate you on your cleverness in concealing your feelings。〃
〃It wasn't my cleverness；〃 she said wearily。 〃It was your blindness。 I never deceived you。〃
〃No； you never have；〃 he replied sincerely。 〃Perhaps I deserve to be despised。 Again； perhaps if you knew the worldthe one I live inbetter； you'd think less harshly of me。〃
〃I don't think harshly of you。 How could I after all you did for my father？〃
〃Dorothy； if you'll stay here and study for the stageor anything you chooseI promise you I'll never speak of my feeling for youor show it in any wayunless you yourself give me leave。〃
She smiled with childlike pathos。 〃You ought not to tempt me。 Do you want me to keep on despising you？ Can't you ever be fair with me？〃
The sad； frank gentleness of the appeal swung his unhinged mind to the other extremefrom the savagery of passion to a frenzy of remorse。 〃Fair to YOU？ No；〃 he cried； 〃because I love you。 Oh； I'm ashamed bitterly ashamed。 I'm capable of any baseness to get you。 You're right。 You can't trust me。 In going you're saving me from myself。〃 He hesitated； stared wildly； appalled at the words that were fighting for utterancethe words about marriageabout marrying her！ He said hoarsely： 〃I am madmad！ I don't know what I'm saying。 Good…by For God's sake； don't think the worst of me； Dorothy。 Good…by。 I WILL be a man againI will！〃
And he wrung her hand and； talking incoherently； he rushed from the room and from the house。
XII
HE went straight home and sought his sister。 She had that moment come in from tea after a matinee。 She talked about the playhow badly it was acted and about the women she had seen at teahow badly dressed they were。 〃It's hard to say which is the more dreadfulthe ugly； misshapen human race without clothes or in the clothes it insists on wearing。 And the talk at that tea！ Does no one ever say a pleasant thing about anyone？ Doesn't anyone ever do a pleasant thing that can be spoken about？ I read this morning Tolstoy's advice about resolving to think all day only nice thoughts and sticking to it。 That sounded good to me； and I decided to try it。〃 Ursula laughed and squirmed about in her tight…fitting dress that made an enchanting display of her figure。 〃What is one to do？ _I_ can't be a fraud； for one。 And if I had stuck to my resolution I'd have spent the day in lying。 What's the matter； Fred？〃 Now that her attention was attracted she observed more closely。 〃What HAVE you been doing？ You lookfrightful！〃
〃I've broken with her；〃 replied he。
〃With Jo？〃 she cried。 〃Why； Fred； you can't you can'twith the wedding only five days away！〃
〃Not with Jo。〃
Ursula breathed noisy relief。 She said cheerfully： 〃Ohwith the other。 Well； I'm glad it's over。〃
〃Over？〃 said he sardonically。 〃Over？ It's only begun。〃
〃But you'll stick it out； Fred。 You've made a fool of yourself long enough。 What was the girl playing for？ Marriage？〃
He nodded。 〃I guess so。〃 He laughed curtly。 〃And she almost won。〃
Ursula smiled with fine mockery。 〃Almost； but not quite。 I know you men。 Women do that sort of fool thing。 But menneverat least not the ambitious； snobbish New York men。〃
〃She almost won；〃 he repeated。 〃At least； I almost did it。 If I had stayed a minute longer I'd have done it。〃
〃You like to think you would；〃 mocked Ursula。 〃But if you had tried to say the words your lungs would have collapsed； your vocal chords snapped and your tongue shriveled。〃
〃I am not so damn sure I shan't do it yet；〃 he burst out fiercely。
〃But I am；〃 said Ursula； calm； brisk； practical。 〃What's she going to do？〃
〃Going to work。〃
Ursula laughed joyously。 〃What a joke！ A woman go to work when she needn't！〃
〃She is going to work。〃
〃To work another man。〃
〃She meant it。〃
〃How easily women fool men！even the wise men like you。〃
〃She meant it。〃
〃She still hopes to marry youor she has heard of your marriage〃
Norman lifted his head。 Into his face came the cynical； suspicious expression。
〃And has fastened on some other man。 Or perhaps she's found some good provider who's willing to marry her。〃
Norman sprang up； his eyes blazing； his mouth working cruelly。 〃By God！〃 he cried。 〃If I thought that！〃
His sister was alarmed。 Such a manin such a deliriummight commit any absurdity。 He flung himself down in despair。 〃Urse； why can't I get rid of this thing？ It's ruining me。 It's killing me！〃
〃Your good sense tells you if you had her you'd be over it〃 She snapped her fingers〃like that。〃
〃YesyesI know it！ But〃 He groaned 〃she has broken with me。〃
Ursula went to him and kissed him and took his head in her arms。 〃What a BOY…boy it is！〃 she said tenderly。 〃Oh； it must be dreadful to have always had whatever one wanted and then to find something one can't have。 We women are used to itand the usual sort of man。 But not your sort； Freddyand I'm so sorry for you。〃
〃I want her； UrseI want her；〃 he groaned； and he was almost sobbing。 〃My God； I CAN'T get on without her。〃
〃Now； Freddy dear； listen to me。 You know she's 'way； 'way beneath youthat she isn't at all what you've got in the habit of picturing herthat it's all delusion and nonsense〃
〃I want her；〃 he repeated。 〃I want her。〃
〃You'd be ashamed if you had her as a wife wouldn't you？〃
He was silent。
〃She isn't a LADY。〃
〃I don't know；〃 replied he。
〃She hasn't any sense。 A low sort of cunning； yes。 But not brainsnot enough to hold you。〃
〃I don't know；〃 replied he。 〃She's got enough for a woman。 AndI WANT her。〃
〃She isn't to be compared with Josephine。〃
〃But I don't want Josephine。 I want HER。〃
〃But which do you want to MARRY？to bring forward as your wife？to spend your life with？〃
〃I know。 I'm a mad fool。 But； Urse； I can't help it。〃 He stood up suddenly。 〃I've used every weapon I've got。 Even prideand it skulked away。 My sense of humorand it weakened。 My willand it snapped。〃
〃Is she so wonderful？〃
〃She is soelusive。 I can't understand herI can't touch her。 I can't find her。 She keeps me going like a man chasing an echo。〃
〃Like a man chasing an echo；〃 repeated Ursula reflectively。 〃I understand。 It is maddening。 She must be cleverin her way。〃
〃Or very simple。 God knows which； I don'tand sometimes I think she doesn't； either。〃 He made a gesture of dismissal。 〃Well； it's finished。 I must pull myself togetheror try to。〃
〃You will；〃 said his sister confidently。 〃A fortnight from now you'll be laughing at yourself。〃
〃I am now。 I have been all along。 Butit does no good。〃
She had to go and dress。 But she could not leave until she had tried to make him comfortable。 He was drinking brandy and soda and staring at his feet which were stretched straight out toward the fire。 〃Where's your sense of humor？〃 she demanded。 〃Throw yourself on your sense of humor。 It's a friend that sticks when all others fail。〃
〃It's my only hope；〃 he said with a grim smile。 〃I can see myself。 No wonder she despises me。〃
〃Despises you？〃 scoffed Ursula。 〃A WOMAN des… pise YOU！ She's crazy about you； I'll bet anything you like。 Before you're through with this you'll find out I'm right。 And thenyou'll have no use for her。〃
〃She despises me。〃
〃Wellwhat of it？ Really； Fred； it irritates me to see you absolutely unlike yourself。 Why； you're as broken…spirited as a henpecked old husband。〃
〃Just that；〃 he admitted； rising and looking drearily about。 〃I don't know what the devil to do next。 Everything seems to have stopped。〃
〃Going to see Josephine this evening？〃
〃I suppose so；〃 was his indifferent reply。
〃You'll have to dress after dinner。 There's no time now。〃
〃Dress？〃 he inquired vaguely。 〃Why dress？ Why do anything？〃
She thought he would not go to Josephine but would hide in his club and drink。 But she w
