three men on the bummel-第15章
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when asked for。 Some fool wrote； clamouring to know； and I spent
the best part of a morning seeking knowledge on the subject。 I
found what I wanted at length at the end of an old cookery book。
What it was doing there I have never been able to understand。 It
had nothing to do with the proper subject of the book whatever；
there was no suggestion that you could make anything savoury out of
a cat； even when you had cured it of its fits。 The authoress had
just thrown in this paragraph out of pure generosity。 I can only
say that I wish she had left it out； it was the cause of a deal of
angry correspondence and of the loss of four subscribers to the
paper； if not more。 The man said the result of following our
advice had been two pounds worth of damage to his kitchen crockery；
to say nothing of a broken window and probable blood poisoning to
himself； added to which the cat's fits were worse than before。 And
yet it was a simple enough recipe。 You held the cat between your
legs； gently； so as not to hurt it； and with a pair of scissors
made a sharp； clean cut in its tail。 You did not cut off any part
of the tail； you were to be careful not to do that； you only made
an incision。
As we explained to the man； the garden or the coal cellar would
have been the proper place for the operation； no one but an idiot
would have attempted to perform it in a kitchen； and without help。
We gave them hints on etiquette。 We told them how to address peers
and bishops； also how to eat soup。 We instructed shy young men how
to acquire easy grace in drawing…rooms。 We taught dancing to both
sexes by the aid of diagrams。 We solved their religious doubts for
them； and supplied them with a code of morals that would have done
credit to a stained…glass window。
The paper was not a financial success； it was some years before its
time； and the consequence was that our staff was limited。 My own
apartment； I remember； included 〃Advice to Mothers〃I wrote that
with the assistance of my landlady； who； having divorced one
husband and buried four children； was； I considered； a reliable
authority on all domestic matters； 〃Hints on Furnishing and
Household Decorationswith Designs〃 a column of 〃Literary Counsel
to Beginners〃I sincerely hope my guidance was of better service
to them than it has ever proved to myself； and our weekly article；
〃Straight Talks to Young Men；〃 signed 〃Uncle Henry。〃 A kindly；
genial old fellow was 〃Uncle Henry；〃 with wide and varied
experience； and a sympathetic attitude towards the rising
generation。 He had been through trouble himself in his far back
youth； and knew most things。 Even to this day I read of 〃Uncle
Henry's〃 advice； and； though I say it who should not； it still
seems to me good； sound advice。 I often think that had I followed
〃Uncle Henry's〃 counsel closer I would have been wiser； made fewer
mistakes； felt better satisfied with myself than is now the case。
A quiet； weary little woman； who lived in a bed…sitting room off
the Tottenham Court Road； and who had a husband in a lunatic
asylum； did our 〃Cooking Column；〃 〃Hints on Education〃we were
full of hints；and a page and a half of 〃Fashionable
Intelligence；〃 written in the pertly personal style which even yet
has not altogether disappeared； so I am informed； from modern
journalism： 〃I must tell you about the DIVINE frock I wore at
'Glorious Goodwood' last week。 Prince C。but there； I really must
not repeat all the things the silly fellow says； he is TOO foolish…
…and the DEAR Countess； I fancy； was just the WEEISH bit jealous〃
and so on。
Poor little woman！ I see her now in the shabby grey alpaca； with
the inkstains on it。 Perhaps a day at 〃Glorious Goodwood；〃 or
anywhere else in the fresh air； might have put some colour into her
cheeks。
Our proprietorone of the most unashamedly ignorant men I ever
metI remember his gravely informing a correspondent once that Ben
Jonson had written Rabelais to pay for his mother's funeral； and
only laughing good…naturedly when his mistakes were pointed out to
himwrote with the aid of a cheap encyclopedia the pages devoted
to 〃General Information；〃 and did them on the whole remarkably
well； while our office boy； with an excellent pair of scissors for
his assistant； was responsible for our supply of 〃Wit and Humour。〃
It was hard work； and the pay was poor； what sustained us was the
consciousness that we were instructing and improving our fellow men
and women。 Of all games in the world； the one most universally and
eternally popular is the game of school。 You collect six children；
and put them on a doorstep； while you walk up and down with the
book and cane。 We play it when babies； we play it when boys and
girls； we play it when men and women； we play it as； lean and
slippered； we totter towards the grave。 It never palls upon； it
never wearies us。 Only one thing mars it： the tendency of one and
all of the other six children to clamour for their turn with the
book and the cane。 The reason； I am sure； that journalism is so
popular a calling； in spite of its many drawbacks； is this： each
journalist feels he is the boy walking up and down with the cane。
The Government； the Classes； and the Masses； Society； Art； and
Literature； are the other children sitting on the doorstep。 He
instructs and improves them。
But I digress。 It was to excuse my present permanent
disinclination to be the vehicle of useful information that I
recalled these matters。 Let us now return。
Somebody； signing himself 〃Balloonist；〃 had written to ask
concerning the manufacture of hydrogen gas。 It is an easy thing to
manufactureat least； so I gathered after reading up the subject
at the British Museum； yet I did warn 〃Balloonist；〃 whoever he
might be； to take all necessary precaution against accident。 What
more could I have done？ Ten days afterwards a florid…faced lady
called at the office； leading by the hand what； she explained； was
her son； aged twelve。 The boy's face was unimpressive to a degree
positively remarkable。 His mother pushed him forward and took off
his hat； and then I perceived the reason for this。 He had no
eyebrows whatever； and of his hair nothing remained but a scrubby
dust； giving to his head the appearance of a hard…boiled egg；
skinned and sprinkled with black pepper。
〃That was a handsome lad this time last week； with naturally curly
hair；〃 remarked the lady。 She spoke with a rising inflection；
suggestive of the beginning of things。
〃What has happened to him？〃 asked our chief。
〃This is what's happened to him；〃 retorted the lady。 She drew from
her muff a copy of our last week's issue； with my article on
hydrogen gas scored in pencil； and flung it before his eyes。 Our
chief took it and read it through。
〃He was 'Balloonist'？〃 queried the chief。
〃He was 'Balloonist；'〃 admitted the lady； 〃the poor innocent child；
and now look at him！〃
〃Maybe it'll grow again；〃 suggested our chief。
〃Maybe it will；〃 retorted the lady； her key continuing to rise；
〃and maybe it won't。 What I want to know is what you are going to
do for him。〃
Our chief suggested a hair wash。 I thought at first she was going
to fly at him； but for the moment she confined herself to words。
It appears she was not thinking of a hair wash； but of
compensation。 She also made observations on the general character
of our paper； its utility； its claim to public support； the sense
and wisdom of its contributors。
〃I really don't see that it is our fault；〃 urged the chiefhe was
a mild…mannered man； 〃he asked for information； and he got it。〃
〃Don't you try to be funny about it；〃 said the lady （he had not
meant to be funny； I am sure； levity was not his failing） 〃or
you'll get something that YOU haven't asked for。 Why； for two
pins；〃 said the lady； with a suddenness that sent us both flying
like scuttled chickens behind our respective chairs； 〃I'd come
round and make your head like it！〃 I take it； she meant like the
boy's。 She also added observations upon our chief's personal
appearance； that were distinctly in bad taste。 She was not a nice
woman by any means。
Myself； I am of opinion that had she brought the action she
thr
