burlesques-第51章

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hookah；　as　is　the　common　way　with　these　black　fellows；　before；　at；

and　after　breakfast；　dinner；　supper；　and　bedtime。　　There　was　such　a

cloud　raised　by　their　smoke　you　could　hardly　see　a　yard　before　you

another　piece　of　good　luck　for　meas　it　diminished　the　chances　of

my　detection。　　When；　with　the　ordinary　ceremonies；　the　kitmatgars

and　consomahs　had　explained　to　the　prince　that　Bobbachy　Bahawder；

the　right　eye　of　the　Sun　of　the　universe　（as　the　ignorant　heathens

called　me）；　had　arrived　from　his　mission；　Holkar　immediately

summoned　me　to　the　maidaun；　or　elevated　platform；　on　which　he　was

seated　in　a　luxurious　easy…chair；　and　I；　instantly　taking　off　my

slippers；　falling　on　my　knees；　and　beating　my　head　against　the

ground　ninety…nine　times；　proceeded；　still　on　my　knees；　a　hundred

and　twenty　feet　through　the　room；　and　then　up　the　twenty　steps

which　led　to　his　maidauna　silly；　painful；　and　disgusting

ceremony；　which　can　only　be　considered　as　a　relic　of　barbarian

darkness；　which　tears　the　knees　and　shins　to　pieces；　let　alone　the

pantaloons。　　I　recommend　anybody　who　goes　to　India；　with　the

prospect　of　entering　the　service　of　the　native　rajahs；　to　recollect

my　advice　and　have　them　WELL…WADDED。



Well；　the　right　eye　of　the　Sun　of　the　universe　scrambled　as　well　as

he　could　up　the　steps　of　the　maidaun　（on　which　in　rows；　smoking；　as

I　have　said；　the　musnuds　or　general　officers　were　seated）；　and　I

arrived　within　speaking…distance　of　Holkar；　who　instantly　asked　me

the　success　of　my　mission。　　The　impetuous　old　man　thereon　poured

out　a　multitude　of　questions：　〃How　many　men　are　there　in　the　fort？〃

said　he；　〃how　many　women？　　Is　it　victualled？　　Have　they　ammunition？

Did　you　see　Gahagan　Sahib；　the　commander？　did　you　kill　him？〃



All　these　questions　Jeswunt　Row　Holkar　puffed　out　with　so　many

whiffs　of　tobacco。



Taking　a　chillum　myself；　and　raising　about　me　such　a　cloud　that；

upon　my　honor　as　a　gentleman；　no　man　at　three　yards'　distance　could

perceive　anything　of　me　except　the　pillar　of　smoke　in　which　I　was

encompassed；　I　told　Holkar；　in　Oriental　language　of　course；　the

best　tale　I　could　with　regard　to　the　fort。



〃Sir〃　said　I；　〃to　answer　your　last　question　firstthat　dreadful

Gujputi　I　have　seenand　he　is　alive：　he　is　eight　feet；　nearly；　in

height；　he　can　eat　a　bullock　daily　（of　which　he　has　seven　hundred

at　present　in　the　compound；　and　swears　that　during　the　siege　he

will　content　himself　with　only　three　a　week）：　he　has　lost　in　battle

his　left　eye；　and　what　is　the　consequence？　　O　Ram　Gunge〃　（O　thou…

with…the…eye…as…bright…as…morning…and…with…beard…as…black…as…

night）；　〃Goliah　GujputiNEVER　SLEEPS！〃



〃Ah；　you　Ghorumsaug　（you　thief　of　the　world）；〃　said　the　Prince

Vizier；　Saadut　Alee　Beg　Bimbukchee〃it's　joking　you　are；〃and

there　was　a　universal　buzz　through　the　room　at　the　announcement　of

this　bouncer。



〃By　the　hundred　and　eleven　incarnations　of　Vishnu；〃　said　I；

solemnly；　（an　oath　which　no　Indian　was　ever　known　to　break；）　〃I

swear　that　so　it　is：　so　at　least　he　told　me；　and　I　have　good　cause

to　know　his　power。　　Gujputi　is　an　enchanter：　he　is　leagued　with

devils；　he　is　invulnerable。　　Look；〃　said　I；　unsheathing　my　dagger

and　every　eye　turned　instantly　towards　me〃thrice　did　I　stab　him

with　this　steelin　the　back；　oncetwice　right　through　the　heart；

but　he　only　laughed　me　to　scorn；　and　bade　me　tell　Holkar　that　the

steel　was　not　yet　forged　which　was　to　inflict　an　injury　upon　him。〃



I　never　saw　a　man　in　such　a　rage　as　Holkar　was　when　I　gave　him　this

somewhat　imprudent　message。



〃Ah；　lily…livered　rogue！〃　shouted　he　out　to　me；　〃milk…blooded

unbeliever！　pale…faced　miscreant！　lives　he　after　insulting　thy

master　in　thy　presence！　　In　the　name　of　the　prophet；　I　spit　on

thee；　defy　thee；　abhor　thee；　degrade　thee！　　Take　that；　thou　liar　of

the　universe！　and　thatand　thatand　that！〃



Such　are　the　frightful　excesses　of　barbaric　minds！　every　time　this

old　man　said；　〃Take　that；〃　he　flung　some　article　near　him　at　the

head　of　the　undaunted　Gahaganhis　dagger；　his　sword；　his　carbine；

his　richly　ornamented　pistols；　his　turban　covered　with　jewels；

worth　a　hundred　thousand　crores　of　rupeesfinally；　his　hookah；

snake　mouthpiece；　silver…bell；　chillum　and　allwhich　went　hissing

over　my　head；　and　flattening　into　a　jelly　the　nose　of　the　Grand

Vizier。



〃Yock　muzzee！　my　nose　is　off；〃　said　the　old　man；　mildly。　　Will　you

have　my　life；　O　Holkar？　it　is　thine　likewise！〃　and　no　other　word　of

complaint　escaped　his　lips。



Of　all　these　missiles；　though　a　pistol　and　carbine　had　gone　off　as

the　ferocious　Indian　flung　them　at　my　head；　and　the　naked　scimitar

fiercely　but　unadroitly　thrown；　had　lopped　off　the　limbs　of　one　or

two　of　the　musnuds　as　they　sat　trembling　on　their　omrahs；　yet；

strange　to　say；　not　a　single　weapon　had　hurt　me。　　When　the　hubbub

ceased；　and　the　unlucky　wretches　who　had　been　the　victims　of　this

fit　of　rage　had　been　removed；　Holkar's　good　humor　somewhat

returned；　and　he　allowed　me　to　continue　my　account　of　the　fort；

which　I　did；　not　taking　the　slightest　notice　of　his　burst　of

impatience：　as　indeed　it　would　have　been　the　height　of　impoliteness

to　have　done　for　such　accidents　happened　many　times　in　the　day。



〃It　is　well　that　the　Bobbachy　has　returned；〃　snuffled　out　the　poor

Grand　Vizier；　after　I　had　explained　to　the　Council　the　extraordinary

means　of　defence　possessed　by　the　garrison。　　〃Your　star　is　bright；

O　Bahawder！　for　this　very　night　we　had　resolved　upon　an　escalade　of

the　fort；　and　we　had　sworn　to　put　every　one　of　the　infidel　garrison

to　the　edge　of　the　sword。〃



〃But　you　have　no　battering　train；〃　said　I。



〃Bah！　we　have　a　couple　of　ninety…six　pounders；　quite　sufficient　to

blow　the　gates　open；　and　then；　hey　for　a　charge！〃　said　Loll

Mahommed；　a　general　of　cavalry；　who　was　a　rival　of　Bobbachy's；　and

contradicted；　therefore；　every　word　I　said。　　〃In　the　name　of

Juggernaut；　why　wait　for　the　heavy　artillery？　　Have　we　not　swords？

Have　we　not　hearts？　　Mashallah！　　Let　cravens　stay　with　Bobbachy；

all　true　men　will　follow　Loll　Mahommed！　　Allahhumdillah；　Bismillah；

Barikallah？〃*　and　drawing　his　scimitar；　he　waved　it　over　his　head；

and　shouted　out　his　cry　of　battle。　　It　was　repeated　by　many　of　the

other　omrahs；　the　sound　of　their　cheers　was　carried　into　the　camp；

and　caught　up　by　the　men；　the　camels　began　to　cry；　the　horses　to

prance　and　neigh；　the　eight　hundred　elephants　set　up　a　scream；　the

trumpeters　and　drummers　clanged　away　at　their　instruments。　　I　never

heard　such　a　din　before　or　after。　　How　I　trembled　for　my　little

garrison　when　I　heard　the　enthusiastic　cries　of　this　innumerable

host！





*　The　Major　has　put　the　most　approved　language　into　the　mouths　of

his　Indian　characters。　　Bismillah；　Barikallah；　and　so　on；　according

to　the　novelists；　form　the　very　essence　of　Eastern　conversation。





There　was　but　one　way　for　it。　　〃Sir；〃　said　I；　addressing　Holkar；

〃go　out　to…night　and　you　go　to　certain　death。　　Loll　Mahommed　has

not　seen　the　fort　as　I　have。　　Pass　the　gate　if　you　please；　and　for

what？　to　fall　before　the　fire　of　a　hundred　pieces　of　artillery；　to

storm　another　gate；　and　then　another；　and　then　to　be　blown　up；　with

Gahagan's　garrison　in　the　citadel。　　Who　talks　of　courage？　　Were　I

not　in　your　august　presence；　O　star　of　the　faithful；　I　would　crop

Loll　Mahommed's　nose　from　his　face；　and　wear　his　ears　as　an

ornament　in　my　own　pugree！　　Who　is　there　here　that　knows　not　the

difference　between　yonder　yellow…skinned　coward　and　Gahagan　Khan

GujI　mean　Bobbachy　Bahawder？　　I　am　ready　to　fight　one；　two；

three；　or　twenty　of　them；　at　broad…sword；　small…sword；　single…

stick；　with　fists　if　you　please。　　By　the　holy　piper；　fighting　is

like　mate　and　dthrink　to　Gato　Bobbachy；　I　manewhoop！　come　on；

you　divvle；　and　I'll　bate　the　skin　off　your　ugly　bones。〃



This　speech　had　very　nearly　proved　fatal　to　me；　for　when　I　am

agitated；　I　involuntarily　adopt　some　of　the　phraseology　peculiar　to

my　own　country；　wh