burlesques-第22章

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Lieutenant　Bunker；　pulled　off　from　Bonchurch　with　muffled　oars；　and

in　another　hour　were　off　the　Common　Hard　of　Portsmouth；　having

passed　the　challenges　of　the　〃Thetis〃　and　the　〃Amphion〃　frigates；

and　the　〃Polyanthus〃　brig。



There　had　been　on　that　day　great　feasting　and　merriment　on　board

the　Flag…ship　lying　in　the　harbor。　　A　banquet　had　been　given　in

honor　of　the　birthday　of　one　of　the　princes　of　the　royal　line　of

the　Guelphsthe　reader　knows　the　propensity　of　Britons　when　liquor

is　in　plenty。　　All　on　board　that　royal　ship　were　more　or　less

overcome。　　The　Flag…ship　was　plunged　in　a　deathlike　and　drunken

sleep。　　The　very　officer　of　the　watch　was　intoxicated：　he　could　not

see　the　〃Repudiator's〃　boats　as　they　shot　swiftly　through　the

waters；　nor　had　he　time　to　challenge　her　seamen　as　they　swarmed　up

the　huge　sides　of　the　ship。



At　the　next　moment　Tom　Coxswain　stood　at　the　wheel　of　the　〃Royal

George〃the　Briton　who　had　guarded；　a　corpse　at　his　feet。　　The

hatches　were　down。　　The　ship　was　in　possession　of　the　〃Repudiator's〃

crew。　　They　were　busy　in　her　rigging；　bending　her　sails　to　carry　her

out　of　the　harbor。　　The　well…known　heave　of　the　men　at　the　windlass

woke　up　Kempenfelt　in　his　state…cabin。　　We　know；　or　rather　do　not

know；　the　result；　for　who　can　tell　by　whom　the　lower…deck　ports　of

the　brave　ship　were　opened；　and　how　the　haughty　prisoners　below　sunk

the　ship　and　its　conquerors　rather　than　yield　her　as　a　prize　to　the

Republic！



Only　Tom　Coxswain　escaped　of　victors　and　vanquished。　　His　tale　was

told　to　his　Captain　and　to　Congress；　but　Washington　forbade　its

publication；　and　it　was　but　lately　that　the　faithful　seaman　told　it

to　me；　his　grandson；　on　his　hundred…and…fifteenth　birthday。







A　PLAN　FOR　A　PRIZE　NOVEL。



IN　A　LETTER　FROM　THE　EMINENT　DRAMATIST　BROWN　TO　THE　EMINENT

NOVELIST　SNOOKS。





〃CAFE　DES　AVEUGLES。



〃MY　DEAR　SNOOKS；I　am　on　the　look…out　here　for　materials　for

original　comedies　such　as　those　lately　produced　at　your　theatre；

and；　in　the　course　of　my　studies；　I　have　found　something；　my　dear

Snooks；　which　I　think　will　suit　your　book。　　You　are　bringing；　I

see；　your　admirable　novel；　'The　Mysteries　of　May　Fair；'　to　an　end

（by　the　way；　the　scene；　in　the　200th　number；　between　the　Duke；　his

Grandmother；　and　the　Jesuit　Butler；　is　one　of　the　most　harrowing

and　exciting　I　ever　read）and；　of　course；　you　must　turn　your　real

genius　to　some　other　channel；　and　we　may　expect　that　your　pen　shall

not　be　idle。



〃The　original　plan　I　have　to　propose　to　you；　then；　is　taken　from

the　French；　just　like　the　original　dramas　above　mentioned；　and；

indeed；　I　found　it　in　the　law　report　of　the　National　newspaper；　and

a　French　literary　gentleman；　M。　Emanuel　Gonzales；　has　the　credit　of

the　invention。　　He　and　an　advertisement　agent　fell　out　about　a

question　of　money；　the　affair　was　brought　before　the　courts；　and

the　little　plot　so　got　wind。　　But　there　is　no　reason　why　you　should

not　take　the　plot　and　act　on　it　yourself。　　You　are　a　known　man；　the

public　relishes　your　works；　anything　bearing　the　name　of　Snooks　is

eagerly　read　by　the　masses；　and　though　Messrs。　Hookey；　of　Holywell

Street；　pay　you　handsomely；　I　make　no　doubt　you　would　like　to　be

rewarded　at　a　still　higher　figure。



〃Unless　he　writes　with　a　purpose；　you　know；　a　novelist　in　our　days

is　good　for　nothing。　　This　one　writes　with　a　socialist　purpose；

that　with　a　conservative　purpose：　this　author　or　authoress　with　the

most　delicate　skill　insinuates　Catholicism　into　you；　and　you　find

yourself　all　but　a　Papist　in　the　third　volume：　another　doctors　you

with　Low　Church　remedies　to　work　inwardly　upon　you；　and　which　you

swallow　down　unsuspiciously；　as　children　do　calomel　in　jelly。

Fiction　advocates　all　sorts　of　truth　and　causesdoesn't　the

delightful　bard　of　the　Minories　find　Moses　in　everything？　　M。

Gonzales's　plan；　and　the　one　which　I　recommend　to　my　dear　Snooks；

simply　was　to　write　an　advertisement　novel。　　Look　over　The　Times　or

the　'Directory；'　walk　down　Regent　Street　or　Fleet　Street　any　day

see　what　houses　advertise　most；　and　put　yourself　into　communication

with　their　proprietors。　　With　your　rings；　your　chains；　your　studs；

and　the　tip　on　your　chin；　I　don't　know　any　greater　swell　than　Bob

Snooks。　　Walk　into　the　shops；　I　say；　ask　for　the　principal；　and

introduce　yourself；　saying；　'I　am　the　great　Snooks；　I　am　the　author

of　the　〃Mysteries　of　May　Fair；〃　my　weekly　sale　is　281；000；　I　am

about　to　produce　a　new　work　called　〃The　Palaces　of　Pimlico；　or　the

Curse　of　the　Court；〃　describing　and　lashing　fearlessly　the　vices　of

the　aristocracy；　this　book　will　have　a　sale　of　at　least　530；000；　it

will　be　on　every　tablein　the　boudoir　of　the　pampered　duke；　as　in

the　chamber　of　the　honest　artisan。　　The　myriads　of　foreigners　who

are　coming　to　London；　and　are　anxious　to　know　about　our　national

manners；　will　purchase　my　book；　and　carry　it　to　their　distant

homes。　　So；　Mr。　Taylor；　or　Mr。　Haberdasher；　or　Mr。　Jeweller；　how

much　will　you　stand　if　I　recommend　you　in　my　forthcoming　novel？'

You　may　make　a　noble　income　in　this　way；　Snooks。



〃For　instance；　suppose　it　is　an　upholsterer。　　What　more　easy；　what

more　delightful；　than　the　description　of　upholstery？　　As　thus：



〃'Lady　Emily　was　reclining　on　one　of　Down　and　Eider's　voluptuous

ottomans；　the　only　couch　on　which　Belgravian　beauty　now　reposes；

when　Lord　Bathershins　entered；　stepping　noiselessly　over　one　of

Tomkins's　elastic　Axminster　carpets。　　〃Good　heavens；　my　lord！〃　she

saidand　the　lovely　creature　fainted。　　The　Earl　rushed　to　the

mantel…piece；　where　he　saw　a　flacon　of　Otto's　eau…de…Cologne；　and；'

&c。



〃Or　say　it's　a　cheap　furniture…shop；　and　it　may　be　brought　in　just

as　easily；　as　thus：



〃'We　are　poor；　Eliza；'　said　Harry　Hardhand；　looking　affectionately

at　his　wife；　'but　we　have　enough；　love；　have　we　not；　for　our　humble

wants？　　The　rich　and　luxurious　may　go　to　Dillow's　or　Gobiggin's；

but　we　can　get　our　rooms　comfortably　furnished　at　Timmonson's　for

20L。'　　And　putting　on　her　bonnet；　and　hanging　affectionately　on　her

husband；　the　stoker's　pretty　bride　tripped　gayly　to　the　well…known

mart；　where　Timmonson；　within　his　usual　affability；　was　ready　to

receive　them。



〃Then　you　might　have　a　touch　at　the　wine…merchant　and　purveyor。

'Where　did　you　get　this　delicious　claret；　or　pate　de　fois　gras；　or

what　you　please？'　said　Count　Blagowski　to　the　gay　young　Sir　Horace

Swellmore。　　The　voluptuous　Bart　answered；　'At　So…and…So's；　or　So…

and…So's。'　　The　answer　is　obvious。　　You　may　furnish　your　cellar　or

your　larder　in　this　way。　　Begad；　Snooks！　　I　lick　my　lips　at　the

very　idea。



〃Then；　as　to　tailors；　milliners；　bootmakers；　&c。；　how　easy　to　get　a

word　for　them！　　Amranson；　the　tailor；　waited　upon　Lord　Paddington

with　an　assortment　of　his　unrivalled　waistcoats；　or　clad　in　that

simple　but　aristocratic　style　of　which　Schneider　ALONE　has　the

secret。　　Parvy　Newcome　really　looked　like　a　gentleman；　and　though

corpulent　and　crooked；　Schneider　had　managed　to　give　him；　&c。

Don't　you　see　what　a　stroke　of　business　you　might　do　in　this　way。



〃The　shoemaker。Lady　Fanny　flew；　rather　than　danced；　across　the

ball…room；　only　a　Sylphide；　or　Taglioni；　or　a　lady　chausseed　by

Chevillett　of　Bond　Street　could　move　in　that　fairy　way；　and



〃The　hairdresser。'Count　Barbarossa　is　seventy　years　of　age；'　said

the　Earl。　　'I　remember　him　at　the　Congress　of　Vienna；　and　he　has

not　a　single　gray　hair。'　　Wiggins　laughed。　　'My　good　Lord　Baldock；'

said　the　old　wag；　'I　saw　Barbarossa's　hair　coming　out　of

Ducroissant's　shop；　and　under　his　valet's　armho！　ho！　ho！'and

the　two　bon…vivans　chuckled　as　the　Count　passed　by；　talking　with；

&c。　&c。



〃The　gunmaker。'The　antagonists　faced　each　other；　and　undismayed

before　his　gigantic　enemy；　Kilconnel　raised　his　pistol。　　It　was　one

of　Clicker's　manufacture；　and　Sir　Marmaduke　knew　he　could　trust　the

maker　and　the　weapon。　　〃One；　two；　THREE；〃　cried　O'Tool；　and　the　two

pistols　wen