burlesques-第106章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！



hedge　and　a　remarkably　fine　ditch　here：　some　of　the　leading　chaps

took　both；　in　gallant　style；　others　went　round　by　a　gate；　and　so

would　I；　only　I　couldn't；　for　Trumpeter　would　have　the　hedge；　and

be　hanged　to　him；　and　went　right　for　it。



Hoop！　if　ever　you　DID　try　a　leap！　　Out　go　your　legs；　out　fling　your

arms；　off　goes　your　hat；　and　the　next　thing　you　feelthat　is；　I

didis　a　most　tremendous　thwack　across　the　chest；　and　my　feet

jerked　out　of　the　stirrups：　me　left　in　the　branches　of　a　tree；

Trumpeter　gone　clean　from　under　me；　and　walloping　and　floundering

in　the　ditch　underneath。　　One　of　the　stirrup…leathers　had　caught　in

a　stake；　and　the　horse　couldn't　get　away：　and　neither　of　us；　I

thought；　ever　WOULD　have　got　away：　but　all　of　a　sudden；　who　should

come　up　the　lane　but　the　Spicy　Dustman！



〃Holloa！〃　says　I；　〃you　gent；　just　let　us　down　from　this　here　tree！〃



〃Lor'！〃　says　he；　〃I'm　blest　if　I　didn't　take　you　for　a　robin。〃



〃Let's　down；〃　says　I；　but　he　was　all　the　time　employed　in　disengaging

Trumpeter；　whom　he　got　out　of　the　ditch；　trembling　and　as　quiet　as

possible。　　〃Let's　down；〃　says　I。　　〃Presently；〃　says　he；　and　taking

off　his　coat；　he　begins　whistling　and　swishing　down　Trumpeter's

sides　and　saddle；　and　when　he　had　finished；　what　do　you　think　the

rascal　did？he　just　quietly　mounted　on　Trumpeter's　back；　and　shouts

out；　〃Git　down　yourself；　old　Bearsgrease；　you've　only　to　drop！　　I'LL

give　your　'oss　a　hairing　arter　them　'ounds；　and　youvy；　you　may

ride　back　my　pony　to　Tuggeridgeweal！〃　　And　with　this；　I'm　blest　if

he　didn't　ride　away；　leaving　me　holding；　as　for　the　dear　life；　and

expecting　every　minute　the　branch　would　break。



It　DID　break　too；　and　down　I　came　into　the　slush；　and　when　I　got

out　of　it；　I　can　tell　you　I　didn't　look　much　like　the　Venuses　or

the　Apollor　Belvidearis　what　I　used　to　dress　and　titivate　up　for　my

shop　window　when　I　was　in　the　hairdressing　line；　or　smell　quite　so

elegant　as　our　rose…oil。　　Faugh！　what　a　figure　I　was！



I　had　nothing　for　it　but　to　mount　the　dustman's　donkey　（which　was

very　quietly　cropping　grass　in　the　hedge）；　and　to　make　my　way　home；

and　after　a　weary；　weary　journey；　I　arrived　at　my　own　gate。



A　whole　party　was　assembled　there。　　Tagrag；　who　had　come　back；

their　Excellencies　Mace　and　Punter；　who　were　on　a　visit；　and　a

number　of　horses　walking　up　and　down　before　the　whole　of　the

gentlemen　of　the　hunt；　who　had　come　in　after　losing　their　fox！

〃Here's　Squire　Coxe！〃　shouted　the　grooms。　　Out　rushed　the　servants；

out　poured　the　gents　of　the　hunt；　and　on　trotted　poor　me；　digging

into　the　donkey；　and　everybody　dying　with　laughter　at　me。



Just　as　I　got　up　to　the　door；　a　horse　came　galloping　up；　and　passed

me；　a　man　jumped　down；　and　taking　off　a　fantail　hat；　came　up；　very

gravely；　to　help　me　down。



〃Squire；〃　says　he；　〃how　came　you　by　that　there　hanimal？　　Jist　git

down；　will　you；　and　give　it　to　its　howner？〃



〃Rascal！〃　says　I；　〃didn't　you　ride　off　on　my　horse？〃



〃Was　there　ever　sich　ingratitude？〃　says　the　Spicy。　　〃I　found　this

year　'oss　in　a　pond；　I　saves　him　from　drowning；　I　brings　him　back

to　his　master；　and　he　calls　me　a　rascal！〃



The　grooms；　the　gents；　the　ladies　in　the　balcony；　my　own　servants；

all　set　up　a　roar　at　this；　and　so　would　I；　only　I　was　so　deucedly

ashamed；　as　not　to　be　able　to　laugh　just　then。



And　so　my　first　day's　hunting　ended。　　Tagrag　and　the　rest　declared

I　showed　great　pluck；　and　wanted　me　to　try　again；　but　〃No；〃　says　I；

〃I　HAVE　been。〃





THE　FINISHING　TOUCH。





I　was　always　fond　of　billiards：　and；　in　former　days；　at　Grogram's

in　Greek　Street；　where　a　few　jolly　lads　of　my　acquaintance　used　to

meet　twice　a　week　for　a　game；　and　a　snug　pipe　and　beer；　I　was

generally　voted　the　first　man　of　the　club；　and　could　take　five　from

John　the　marker　himself。　　I　had　a　genius；　in　fact；　for　the　game；

and　now　that　I　was　placed　in　that　station　of　life　where　I　could

cultivate　my　talents；　I　gave　them　full　play；　and　improved　amazingly。

I　do　say　that　I　think　myself　as　good　a　hand　as　any　chap　in　England。



The　Count　and　his　Excellency　Baron　von　Punter　were；　I　can　tell　you；

astonished　by　the　smartness　of　my　play：　the　first　two　or　three

rubbers　Punter　beat　me；　but　when　I　came　to　know　his　game；　I　used　to

knock　him　all　to　sticks；　or；　at　least；　win　six　games　to　his　four：

and　such　was　the　betting　upon　me；　his　Excellency　losing　large　sums

to　the　Count；　who　knew　what　play　was；　and　used　to　back　me。　　I　did

not　play　except　for　shillings；　so　my　skill　was　of　no　great　service

to　me。



One　day　I　entered　the　billiard…room　where　these　three　gentlemen

were　high　in　words。　　〃The　thing　shall　not　be　done；〃　I　heard　Captain

Tagrag　say：　〃I　won't　stand　it。〃



〃Vat；　begause　you　would　have　de　bird　all　to　yourzelf；　hey？〃　said

the　Baron。



〃You　sall　not　have　a　single　fezare　of　him；　begar；〃　said　the　Count：

〃ve　vill　blow　you；　M。　de　Taguerague；　parole　d'honneur；　ve　vill。〃



〃What's　all　this；　gents；〃　says　I；　stepping　in；　〃about　birds　and

feathers？〃



〃Oh；〃　says　Tagrag；　〃we　were　talking　aboutaboutpigeon…shooting；

the　Count　here　says　he　will　blow　a　bird　all　to　pieces　at　twenty

yards；　and　I　said　I　wouldn't　stand　it；　because　it　was　regular

murder。〃



〃Oh；　yase；　it　was　bidgeon…shooting；〃　cries　the　Baron：　〃and　I　know

no　better　sbort。　　Have　you　been　bidgeon…shooting；　my　dear　Squire？

De　fon　is　gabidal。〃



〃No　doubt；〃　says　I；　〃for　the　shooters；　but　mighty　bad　sport　for　the

PIGEON。〃　　And　this　joke　set　them　all　a…laughing　ready　to　die。　　I

didn't　know　then　what　a　good　joke　it　WAS；　neither；　but　I　gave

Master　Baron；　that　day；　a　precious　good　beating；　and　walked　off

with　no　less　than　fifteen　shillings　of　his　money。



As　a　sporting　man；　and　a　man　of　fashion；　I　need　not　say　that　I　took

in　the　Flare…up　regularly；　ay；　and　wrote　one　or　two　trifles　in　that

celebrated　publication　（one　of　my　papers；　which　Tagrag　subscribed

for　me；　Philo…pestitiaeamicus；　on　the　proper　sauce　for　teal　and

widgeonand　the　other；　signed　Scru…tatos；　on　the　best　means　of

cultivating　the　kidney　species　of　that　vegetablemade　no　small

noise　at　the　time；　and　got　me　in　the　paper　a　compliment　from　the

editor）。　　I　was　a　constant　reader　of　the　Notices　to　Correspondents；

and；　my　early　education　having　been　rayther　neglected　（for　I　was

taken　from　my　studies　and　set；　as　is　the　custom　in　our　trade；　to

practise　on　a　sheep's　head　at　the　tender　age　of　nine　years；　before

I　was　allowed　to　venture　on　the　humane　countenance；）I　say；　being

thus　curtailed　and　cut　off　in　my　classical　learning；　I　must　confess

I　managed　to　pick　up　a　pretty　smattering　of　genteel　information

from　that　treasury　of　all　sorts　of　knowledge；　at　least　sufficient

to　make　me　a　match　in　learning　for　all　the　noblemen　and　gentlemen

who　came　to　our　house。　　Well；　on　looking　over　the　Flare…up　notices

to　correspondents；　I　read；　one　day　last　April；　among　the　notices；

as　follows：



〃'Automodon。'　　We　do　not　know　the　precise　age　of　Mr。　Baker　of

Covent　Garden　Theatre；　nor　are　we　aware　if　that　celebrated　son　of

Thespis　is　a　married　man。



〃'Ducks　and　Green…peas'　is　informed；　that　when　A　plays　his　rook　to

B's　second　Knight's　square；　and　B；　moving　two　squares　with　his

Queen's　pawn；　gives　check　to　his　adversary's　Queen；　there　is　no

reason　why　B's　Queen　should　not　take　A's　pawn；　if　B　be　so　inclined。



〃'F。　L。　S。'　　We　have　repeatedly　answered　the　question　about　Madame

Vestris：　her　maiden　name　was　Bartolozzi；　and　she　married　the　son　of

Charles　Mathews；　the　celebrated　comedian。



〃'Fair　Play。'　　The　best　amateur　billiard　and　ecarte　player　in

England；　is　Coxe　Tuggeridge　Coxe；　Esq。；　of　Portland　Place；　and

Tuggeridgeville：　Jonathan；　who　knows　his　play；　can　only　give　him

two　in　a　game　of　a　hundred；　and；　at　the　cards；　NO　man　is　his

superior。　　Verbum　sap。



〃'Scipio　Americanus'　is　a　blockhead。〃



I　read　this　out　to　the　Count　and　Tagrag；　and　both　of　them　wondered

how　the　Editor　of　that　tremendous　Flare…up　should　get