the moscow census-第4章
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ashamed of my unnecessary warmth； they told me that I could not talk
quietly about any thing； that I got disagreeably excited； and they
proved to me； especially； that the existence of such unfortunates
could not possibly furnish any excuse for imbittering the lives of
those about me。
I felt that this was perfectly just； and held my peace； but in the
depths of my soul I was conscious that I was in the right； and I
could not regain my composure。
And the life of the city； which had； even before this； been so
strange and repellent to me； now disgusted me to such a degree； that
all the pleasures of a life of luxury； which had hitherto appeared to
me as pleasures； become tortures to me。 And try as I would； to
discover in my own soul any justification whatever for our life； I
could not； without irritation； behold either my own or other people's
drawing…rooms； nor our tables spread in the lordly style； nor our
equipages and horses； nor shops； theatres； and assemblies。 I could
not behold alongside these the hungry； cold； and down…trodden
inhabitants of the Lyapinsky house。 And I could not rid myself of
the thought that these two things were bound up together； that the
one arose from the other。 I remember； that； as this feeling of my
own guilt presented itself to me at the first blush； so it persisted
in me； but to this feeling a second was speedily added which
overshadowed it。
When I mentioned my impressions of the Lyapinsky house to my nearest
friends and acquaintances； they all gave me the same answer as the
first friend at whom I had begun to shout； but； in addition to this；
they expressed their approbation of my kindness of heart and my
sensibility； and gave me to understand that this sight had so
especially worked upon me because I； Lyof Nikolaevitch； was very kind
and good。 And I willingly believed this。 And before I had time to
look about me； instead of the feeling of self…reproach and regret；
which I had at first experienced； there came a sense of satisfaction
with my own kindliness； and a desire to exhibit it to people。
〃It really must be；〃 I said to myself； 〃that I am not especially
responsible for this by the luxury of my life； but that it is the
indispensable conditions of existence that are to blame。 In truth； a
change in my mode of life cannot rectify the evil which I have seen：
by altering my manner of life； I shall only make myself and those
about me unhappy； and the other miseries will remain the same as
ever。 And therefore my problem lies not in a change of my own life；
as it had first seemed to me； but in aiding； so far as in me lies； in
the amelioration of the situation of those unfortunate beings who
have called forth my compassion。 The whole point lies here；that I
am a very kind； amiable man； and that I wish to do good to my
neighbors。〃 And I began to think out a plan of beneficent activity；
in which I might exhibit my benevolence。 I must confess； however；
that while devising this plan of beneficent activity； I felt all the
time； in the depths of my soul； that that was not the thing； but； as
often happens； activity of judgment and imagination drowned that
voice of conscience within me。 At that juncture； the census came up。
This struck me as a means for instituting that benevolence in which I
proposed to exhibit my charitable disposition。 I knew of many
charitable institutions and societies which were in existence in
Moscow； but all their activity seemed to me both wrongly directed and
insignificant in comparison with what I intended to do。 And I
devised the following scheme： to arouse the sympathy of the wealthy
for the poverty of the city； to collect money； to get people together
who were desirous of assisting in this matter； and to visit all the
refuges of poverty in company with the census； and； in addition to
the work of the census； to enter into communion with the unfortunate；
to learn the particulars of their necessities； and to assist them
with money； with work； by sending them away from Moscow； by placing
their children in school； and the old people in hospitals and
asylums。 And not only that； I thought； but these people who
undertake this can be formed into a permanent society； which； by
dividing the quarters of Moscow among its members； will be able to
see to it that this poverty and beggary shall not be bred； they will
incessantly annihilate it at its very inception； then they will
fulfil their duty； not so much by healing as by a course of hygiene
for the wretchedness of the city。 I fancied that there would be no
more simply needy； not to mention abjectly poor persons； in the town；
and that all of us wealthy individuals would thereafter be able to
sit in our drawing…rooms； and eat our five…course dinners； and ride
in our carriages to theatres and assemblies； and be no longer annoyed
with such sights as I had seen at the Lyapinsky house。
Having concocted this plan； I wrote an article on the subject； and
before sending it to the printer； I went to some acquaintances； from
whom I hoped for sympathy。 I said the same thing to every one whom I
met that day （and I applied chiefly to the rich）； and nearly the same
that I afterwards printed in my memoir； proposed to take advantage of
the census to inquire into the wretchedness of Moscow； and to succor
it； both by deeds and money； and to do it in such a manner that there
should be no poor people in Moscow； and so that we rich ones might be
able； with a quiet conscience； to enjoy the blessings of life to
which we were accustomed。 All listened to me attentively and
seriously； but nevertheless the same identical thing happened with
every one of them without exception。 No sooner did my hearers
comprehend the question； than they seemed to feel awkward and
somewhat mortified。 They seemed to be ashamed； and principally on my
account； because I was talking nonsense； and nonsense which it was
impossible to openly characterize as such。 Some external cause
appeared to compel my hearers to be forbearing with this nonsense of
mine。
〃Ah； yes！ of course。 That would be very good；〃 they said to me。 〃It
is a self…understood thing that it is impossible not to sympathize
with this。 Yes； your idea is a capital one。 I have thought of that
myself； but 。 。 。 we are so indifferent； as a rule； that you can
hardly count on much success 。 。 。 however； so far as I am concerned；
I am； of course； ready to assist。〃
They all said something of this sort to me。 They all agreed； but
agreed； so it seemed to me； not in consequence of my convictions； and
not in consequence of their own wish； but as the result of some
outward cause； which did not permit them not to agree。 I had already
noticed this； and； since not one of them stated the sum which he was
willing to contribute； I was obliged to fix it myself； and to ask：
〃So I may count on you for three hundred； or two hundred； or one
hundred； or twenty…five rubles？〃 And not one of them gave me any
money。 I mention this because； when people give money for that which
they themselves desire； they generally make haste to give it。 For a
box to see Sarah Bernhardt； they will instantly place the money in
your hand； to clinch the bargain。 Here； however； out of all those
who agreed to contribute； and who expressed their sympathy； not one
of them proposed to give me the money on the spot； but they merely
assented in silence to the sum which I suggested。 In the last house
which I visited on that day； in the evening； I accidentally came upon
a large company。 The mistress of the house had busied herself with
charity for several years。 Numerous carriages stood at the door；
several lackeys in rich liveries were sitting in the ante…chamber。
In the vast drawing…room； around two tables and lamps； sat ladies and
young girls； in costly garments； dressing small dolls； and there were
several young men there also； hovering about the ladies。 The dolls
prepared by these ladies were to be drawn in a lottery for the poor。
The sight of this drawing…room； and of the people assembled in it；
struck me very unpleasantly。 Not to mention the fact that the
property of the persons there congregated amounted to many millio
