the moscow census-第14章

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distribute　the　money　which　I　had　left。　　The　tavern　was　full；　gayly…
dressed；　intoxicated　girls　were　flitting　in　and　out；　all　the　tables
were　occupied；　there　were　already　a　great　many　drunken　people；　and　in
the　small　room　the　harmonium　was　being　played；　and　two　persons　were
dancing。　　Out　of　respect　to　me；　Ivan　Fedotitch　ordered　that　the　dance
should　be　stopped；　and　seated　himself　with　me　at　a　vacant　table。　　I
said　to　him；　that；　as　he　knew　his　tenants；　would　not　he　point　out　to
me　the　most　needy　among　them；　that　I　had　been　entrusted　with　the
distribution　of　a　little　money；　and；　therefore；　would　he　indicate　the
proper　persons？　　Good…natured　Ivan　Fedotitch　（he　died　a　year　later）；
although　he　was　pressed　with　business；　broke　away　from　it　for　a　time；
in　order　to　serve　me。　　He　meditated；　and　was　evidently　undecided。　　An
elderly　waiter　heard　us；　and　joined　the　conference。

They　began　to　discuss　the　claims　of　persons；　some　of　whom　I　knew；　but
still　they　could　not　come　to　any　agreement。　　〃The　Paramonovna；〃
suggested　the　waiter。　　〃Yes；　that　would　do。　　Sometimes　she　has
nothing　to　eat。　　Yes；　but　then　she　tipples。〃〃Well；　what　of　that？
That　makes　no　difference。〃〃Well；　Sidoron　Ivanovitch　has　children。
He　would　do。〃　　But　Ivan　Fedotitch　had　his　doubts　about　Sidoron
Ivanovitch　also。　　〃Akulina　shall　have　some。　　There；　now；　give
something　to　the　blind。〃　　To　this　I　responded。　　I　saw　him　at　once。
He　was　a　blind　old　man　of　eighty　years；　without　kith　or　kin。　　It
seemed　as　though　no　condition　could　be　more　painful；　and　I　went
immediately　to　see　him。　　He　was　lying　on　a　feather…bed；　on　a　high
bedstead；　drunk；　and；　as　he　did　not　see　me；　he　was　scolding　his
comparatively　youthful　female　companion　in　a　frightful　bass　voice；
and　in　the　very　worst　kind　of　language。　　They　also　summoned　an
armless　boy　and　his　mother。　　I　saw　that　Ivan　Fedotitch　was　in　great
straits；　on　account　of　his　conscientiousness；　for　me　knew　that
whatever　was　given　would　immediately　pass　to　his　tavern。　　But　I　had
to　get　rid　of　my　thirty…two　rubles；　so　I　insisted；　and　in　one　way　and
another；　and　half　wrongfully　to　boot；　we　assigned　and　distributed
them。　　Those　who　received　them　were　mostly　well　dressed；　and　we　had
not　far　to　go　to　find　them；　as　they　were　there　in　the　tavern。　　The
armless　boy　appeared　in　wrinkled　boots；　and　a　red　shirt　and　vest。
With　this　my　charitable　career　came　to　an　end；　and　I　went　off　to　the
country；　irritated　at　others；　as　is　always　the　case；　because　I　myself
had　done　a　stupid　and　a　bad　thing。　　My　benevolence　had　ended　in
nothing；　and　it　ceased　altogether；　but　the　current　of　thoughts　and
feelings　which　it　had　called　up　with　me　not　only　did　not　come　to　an
end；　but　the　inward　work　went　on　with　redoubled　force。



CHAPTER　XII。



What　was　its　nature？

I　had　lived　in　the　country；　and　there　I　was　connected　with　the　rustic
poor。　　Not　out　of　humility；　which　is　worse　than　pride；　but　for　the
sake　of　telling　the　truth；　which　is　indispensable　for　the
understanding　of　the　whole　course　of　my　thoughts　and　sentiments；　I
will　say　that　in　the　country　I　did　very　little　for　the　poor；　but　the
demands　which　were　made　upon　me　were　so　modest　that　even　this　little
was　of　use　to　the　people；　and　formed　around　me　an　atmosphere　of
affection　and　union　with　the　people；　in　which　it　was　possible　to
soothe　the　gnawing　sensation　of　remorse　at　the　independence　of　my
life。　　On　going　to　the　city；　I　had　hoped　to　be　able　to　live　in　the
same　manner。　　But　here　I　encountered　want　of　an　entirely　different
sort。　　City　want　was　both　less　real；　and　more　exacting　and　cruel；
than　country　poverty。　　But　the　principal　point　was；　that　there　was　so
much　of　it　in　one　spot；　that　it　produced　on　me　a　frightful
impression。　　The　impression　which　I　experienced　in　the　Lyapinsky
house　had；　at　the　very　first；　made　me　conscious　of　the　deformity　of
my　own　life。　　This　feeling　was　genuine　and　very　powerful。　　But；
notwithstanding　its　genuineness　and　power；　I　was；　at　that　time；　so
weak　that　I　feared　the　alteration　in　my　life　to　which　this　feeling
commended　me；　and　I　resorted　to　a　compromise。　　I　believed　what
everybody　told　me；　and　everybody　has　said；　ever　since　the　world　was
made；that　there　is　nothing　evil　in　wealth　and　luxury；　that　they　are
given　by　God；　that　one　may　continue　to　live　as　a　rich　man；　and　yet
help　the　needy。　　I　believed　this；　and　I　tried　to　do　it。　　I　wrote　an
essay；　in　which　I　summoned　all　rich　people　to　my　assistance。　　The
rich　people　all　acknowledged　themselves　morally　bound　to　agree　with
me；　but　evidently　they　either　did　not　wish　to　do　any　thing；　or　they
could　not　do　any　thing　or　give　any　thing　to　the　poor。　　I　began　to
visit　the　poor；　and　I　beheld　what　I　had　not　in　the　least　expected。
On　the　one　hand；　I　beheld　in　those　dens；　as　I　called　them；　people
whom　it　was　not　conceivable　that　I　should　help；　because　they　were
working　people；　accustomed　to　labor　and　privation；　and　therefore
standing　much　higher　and　having　a　much　firmer　foothold　in　life　than
myself；　on　the　other　hand；　I　saw　unfortunate　people　whom　I　could　not
aid　because　they　were　exactly　like　myself。　　The　majority　of　the
unfortunates　whom　I　saw　were　unhappy　only　because　they　had　lost　the
capacity；　desire；　and　habit　of　earning　their　own　bread；　that　is　to
say；　their　unhappiness　consisted　in　the　fact　that　they　were　precisely
such　persons　as　myself。

I　found　no　unfortunates　who　were　sick；　hungry；　or　cold；　to　whom　I
could　render　immediate　assistance；　with　the　solitary　exception　of
hungry　Agafya。　　And　I　became　convinced；　that；　on　account　of　my
remoteness　from　the　lives　of　those　people　whom　I　desired　to　help；　it
would　be　almost　impossible　to　find　any　such　unfortunates；　because　all
actual　wants　had　already　been　supplied　by　the　very　people　among　whom
these　unfortunates　live；　and；　most　of　all；　I　was　convinced　that　money
cannot　effect　any　change　in　the　life　led　by　these　unhappy　people。

I　was　convinced　of　all　this；　but　out　of　false　shame　at　abandoning
what　I　had　once　undertaken；　because　of　my　self…delusion　as　a
benefactor；　I　went　on　with　this　matter　for　a　tolerably　long　time；
and　would　have　gone　on　with　it　until　it　came　to　nothing　of　itself；
so　that　it　was　with　the　greatest　difficulty　that；　with　the　help　of
Ivan　Fedotitch；　I　got　rid；　after　a　fashion；　as　well　as　I　could；　in
the　tavern　of　the　Rzhanoff　house；　of　the　thirty…seven　rubles　which　I
did　not　regard　as　belonging　to　me。

Of　course　I　might　have　gone　on　with　this　business；　and　have　made　out
of　it　a　semblance　of　benevolence；　by　urging　the　people　who　had
promised　me　money；　I　might　have　collected　more；　I　might　have
distributed　this　money；　and　consoled　myself　with　my　charity；　but　I
perceived；　on　the　one　hand；　that　we　rich　people　neither　wish　nor　are
able　to　share　a　portion　of　our　a　superfluity　with　the　poor　（we　have
so　many　wants　of　our　own）；　and　that　money　should　not　be　given　to　any
one；　if　the　object　really　be　to　do　good　and　not　to　give　money　itself
at　haphazard；　as　I　had　done　in　the　Rzhanoff　tavern。　　And　I　gave　up
the　whole　thing；　and　went　off　to　the　country　with　despair　in　my
heart。

In　the　country　I　tried　to　write　an　essay　about　all　this　that　I　had
experienced；　and　to　tell　why　my　undertaking　had　not　succeeded。　　I
wanted　to　justify　myself　against　the　reproaches　which　had　been　made
to　me　on　the　score　of　my　article　on　the　census；　I　wanted　to　convict
society　of　its　in　difference；　and　to　state　the　causes　in　which　this
city　poverty　has　its　birth；　and　the　necessity　of　combating　it；　and
the　means　of　doing　so　which　I　saw。

I　began　this　essay　at　once；　and　it　seemed　to　me　that　in　it　I　was
saying　a　very　great　deal　that　was　important。　　But　toil　as　I　would
over　it；　and　in　spite　of　the　abundance　of　materials；　in　spite　of　the
superfluity　of　them　even；　I　could　not　get　though　that　essay；　and　so　I
did　not　finish　it　until　the　present　year；　because　of　the　irritation
under　the　influence　of　which　I　wrote；　because　I　had　not　gone　through
all　that　was　requisite　in　order　to　bear　myself　properly　in　relation
to　this　essay；　because　I　did　not　simply　and　clearly　acknowledge　the
cause　of　all　this；a　very　simple　cause；　which　had　its　root　in
myself。

In　the　domain　of　morals；　one　very　remarkable　and　too　little　noted
phenomenon