the moscow census-第12章

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compassion　on　her；　but　now　she　means　to　turn　her　out　。　。　。　Agafya；
hey　there；　Agafya！〃　cried　the　woman。

We　approached；　and　something　rose　up　in　the　bunk。　　It　was　a　woman
haggard　and　dishevelled；　whose　hair　was　half　gray；　and　who　was　as
thin　as　a　skeleton；　dressed　in　a　ragged　and　dirty　chemise；　and　with
particularly　brilliant　and　staring　eyes。　　She　looked　past　us　with　her
staring　eyes；　clutched　at　her　jacket　with　one　thin　hand；　in　order　to
cover　her　bony　breast　which　was　disclosed　by　her　tattered　chemise；
and　oppressed；　she　cried；　〃What　is　it？　what　is　it？〃　　I　asked　her
about　her　means　of　livelihood。　　For　a　long　time　she　did　not
understand；　and　said；　〃I　don't　know　myself；　they　persecute　me。〃　　I
asked　her；it　puts　me　to　shame；　my　hand　refuses　to　write　it；I
asked　her　whether　it　was　true　that　she　had　nothing　to　eat？　　She
answered　in　the　same　hurried；　feverish　tone；　staring　at　me　the
while；〃No；　I　had　nothing　yesterday；　and　I　have　had　nothing　to…day。〃

The　sight　of　this　woman　touched　me；　but　not　at　all　as　had　been　the
case　in　the　Lyapinsky　house；　there；　my　pity　for　these　people　made　me
instantly　feel　ashamed　of　myself：　　but　here；　I　rejoiced　because　I　had
at　last　found　what　I　had　been　seeking；a　hungry　person。

I　gave　her　a　ruble；　and　I　recollect　being　very　glad　that　others　saw
it。　　The　old　woman；　on　seeing　this；　immediately　begged　money　of　me
also。　　It　afforded　me　such　pleasure　to　give；　that；　without　finding
out　whether　it　was　necessary　to　give　or　not；　I　gave　something　to　the
old　woman　too。　　The　old　woman　accompanied　me　to　the　door；　and　the
people　standing　in　the　corridor　heard　her　blessing　me。　　Probably　the
questions　which　I　had　put　with　regard　to　poverty；　had　aroused
expectation；　and　several　persons　followed　us。　　In　the　corridor　also；
they　began　to　ask　me　for　money。　　Among　those　who　begged　were　some
drunken　men；　who　aroused　an　unpleasant　feeling　in　me；　but；　having
once　given　to　the　old　woman；　I　had　no　might　to　refuse　these　people；
and　I　began　to　give。　　As　long　as　I　continued　to　give；　people　kept
coming　up；　and　excitement　ran　through　all　the　lodgings。　　People　made
them　appearance　on　the　stairs　and　galleries；　and　followed　me。　　As　I
emerged　into　the　court…yard；　a　little　boy　ran　swiftly　down　one　of　the
staircases　thrusting　the　people　aside。　　He　did　not　see　me；　and
exclaimed　hastily：　　〃He　gave　Agashka　a　ruble！〃　　When　he　reached　the
ground；　the　boy　joined　the　crowd　which　was　following　me。　　I　went　out
into　the　street：　　various　descriptions　of　people　followed　me；　and
asked　for　money。　　I　distributed　all　my　small　change；　and　entered　an
open　shop　with　the　request　that　the　shopkeeper　would　change　a　ten…
ruble　bill　for　me。　　And　then　the　same　thing　happened　as　at　the
Lyapinsky　house。　　A　terrible　confusion　ensued。　　Old　women；　noblemen；
peasants；　and　children　crowded　into　the　shop　with　outstretched　hands；
I　gave；　and　interrogated　some　of　them　as　to　their　lives；　and　took
notes。　　The　shopkeeper；　turning　up　the　furred　points　of　the　collar　of
his　coat；　sat　like　a　stuffed　creature；　glancing　at　the　crowd
occasionally；　and　then　fixing　his　eyes　beyond　them　again。　　He
evidently；　like　every　one　else；　felt　that　this　was　foolish；　but　he
could　not　say　so。

The　poverty　and　beggary　in　the　Lyapinsky　house　had　horrified　me；　and
I　felt　myself　guilty　of　it；　I　felt　the　desire　and　the　possibility　of
improvement。　　But　now；　precisely　the　same　scene　produced　on　me　an
entirely　different　effect；　I　experienced；　in　the　first　place；　a
malevolent　feeling　towards　many　of　those　who　were　besieging　me；　and
in　the　second　place；　uneasiness　as　to　what　the　shopkeepers　and
porters　would　think　of　me。

On　my　return　home　that　day；　I　was　troubled　in　my　soul。　　I　felt　that
what　I　had　done　was　foolish　and　immoral。　　But；　as　is　always　the
result　of　inward　confusion；　I　talked　a　great　deal　about　the　plan
which　I　had　undertaken；　as　though　I　entertained　not　the　slightest
doubt　of　my　success。

On　the　following　day；　I　went　to　such　of　the　people　whom　I　had
inscribed　on　my　list；　as　seemed　to　me　the　most　wretched　of　all；　and
those　who；　as　it　seemed　to　me；　would　be　the　easiest　to　help。　　As　I
have　already　said；　I　did　not　help　any　of　these　people。　　It　proved　to
be　more　difficult　to　help　them　than　I　had　thought。　　And　either
because　I　did　not　know　how；　or　because　it　was　impossible；　I　merely
imitated　these　people；　and　did　not　help　any　one。　　I　visited　the
Rzhanoff　house　several　times　before　the　final　tour；　and　on　every
occasion　the　very　same　thing　occurred：　　I　was　beset　by　a　throng　of
beggars　in　whose　mass　I　was　completely　lost。　　I　felt　the
impossibility　of　doing　any　thing；　because　there　were　too　many　of
them；　and　because　I　felt　ill…disposed　towards　them　because　there　were
so　many　of　them；　and　in　addition　to　this；　each　one　separately　did　not
incline　me　in　his　favor。　　I　was　conscious　that　every　one　of　them　was
telling　me　an　untruth；　or　less　than　the　whole　truth；　and　that　he　saw
in　me　merely　a　purse　from　which　money　might　be　drawn。　　And　it　very
frequently　seemed　to　me；　that　the　very　money　which　they　squeezed　out
of　me；　rendered　their　condition　worse　instead　of　improving　it。　　The
oftener　I　went　to　that　house；　the　more　I　entered　into　intercourse
with　the　people　there；　the　more　apparent　became　to　me　the
impossibility　of　doing　any　thing；　but　still　I　did　not　give　up　any
scheme　until　the　last　night　tour。

The　remembrance　of　that　last　tour　is　particularly　mortifying　to　me。
On　other　occasions　I　had　gone　thither　alone；　but　twenty　of　us　went
there　on　this　occasion。　　At　seven　o'clock；　all　who　wished　to　take
part　in　this　final　night　round；　began　to　assemble　at　my　house。
Nearly　all　of　them　were　strangers　to　me；students；　one　officer；　and
two　of　my　society　acquaintances；　who；　uttering　the　usual；　〃C'est　tres
interessant！〃　had　asked　me　to　include　them　in　the　number　of　the
census…takers。

My　worldly　acquaintances　had　dressed　up　especially　for　this；　in　some
sort　of　hunting…jacket；　and　tall；　travelling　boots；　in　a　costume　in
which　they　rode　and　went　hunting；　and　which；　in　their　opinion；　was
appropriate　for　an　excursion　to　a　night…lodging…house。　　They　took
with　them　special　note…books　and　remarkable　pencils。　　They　were　in
that　peculiarly　excited　state　of　mind　in　which　men　set　off　on　a　hunt；
to　a　duel；　or　to　the　wars。　　The　most　apparent　thing　about　them　was
their　folly　and　the　falseness　of　our　position；　but　all　the　rest　of　us
were　in　the　same　false　position。　　Before　we　set　out；　we　held　a
consultation；　after　the　fashion　of　a　council　of　war；　as　to　how　we
should　begin；　how　divide　our　party；　and　so　on。

This　consultation　was　exactly　such　as　takes　place　in　councils；
assemblages；　committees；　that　is　to　say；　each　person　spoke；　not
because　he　had　any　thing　to　say　or　to　ask；　but　because　each　one
cudgelled　his　brain　for　something　that　he　could　say；　so　that　he　might
not　fall　short　of　the　rest。　　But；　among　all　these　discussions；　no　one
alluded　to　that　beneficence　of　which　I　had　so　often　spoken　to　them
all。　　Mortifying　as　this　was　to　me；　I　felt　that　it　was　indispensable
that　I　should　once　more　remind　them　of　benevolence；　that　is；　of　the
point；　that　we　were　to　observe　and　take　notes　of　all　those　in
destitute　circumstances　whom　we　should　encounter　in　the　course　of　our
rounds。　　I　had　always　felt　ashamed　to　speak　of　this；　but　now；　in　the
midst　of　all　our　excited　preparations　for　our　expedition；　I　could
hardly　utter　the　words。　　All　listened　to　me；　as　it　seemed　to　me；　with
sorrow；　and；　at　the　same　time；　all　agreed　in　words；　but　it　was
evident　that　they　all　knew　that　it　was　folly；　and　that　nothing　would
come　of　it；　and　all　immediately　began　again　to　talk　about　something
else。　　This　went　on　until　the　time　arrived　for　us　to　set　out；　and　we
started。

We　reached　the　tavern；　roused　the　waiters；　and　began　to　sort　our
papers。　　When　we　were　informed　that　the　people　had　heard　about　this
round；　and　were　leaving　their　quarters；　we　asked　the　landlord　to　lock
the　gates；　and　we　went　ourselves　into　the　yard　to　reason　with　the
fleeing　people；　assuring　them　that　no　one　would　demand　their　tickets。
I　remember　the　strange　and　painful　impression　produced　on　me　by　these
alarmed　night…lodgers：　　ragged；　half…dressed；　they　all　seemed　tall　to
me　by　the