16-is shakespeare dead-第5章

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down　beside　the　Stratford　Shakespeare　and　none　but　an　expert

could　tell　which　was　biggest　or　contained　the　most　plaster。



Shakespeare　pronounced　〃Venus　and　Adonis〃　〃the　first　heir　of

his　invention；〃　apparently　implying　that　it　was　his　first　effort

at　literary　composition。　　He　should　not　have　said　it。　　It　has

been　an　embarrassment　to　his　historians　these　many；　many　years。

They　have　to　make　him　write　that　graceful　and　polished　and

flawless　and　beautiful　poem　before　he　escaped　from　Stratford　and

his　family1586　or　'87age；　twenty…two；　or　along　there；　because

within　the　next　five　years　he　wrote　five　great　plays；　and　could

not　have　found　time　to　write　another　line。



It　is　sorely　embarrassing。　　If　he　began　to　slaughter　calves；

and　poach　deer；　and　rollick　around；　and　learn　English；　at　the

earliest　likely　momentsay　at　thirteen；　when　he　was　supposably

wretched　from　that　school　where　he　was　supposably　storing　up

Latin　for　future　literary　usehe　had　his　youthful　hands　full；

and　much　more　than　full。　　He　must　have　had　to　put　aside　his

Warwickshire　dialect；　which　wouldn't　be　understood　in　London；　and

study　English　very　hard。　　Very　hard　indeed；　incredibly　hard；

almost；　if　the　result　of　that　labor　was　to　be　the　smooth　and

rounded　and　flexible　and　letter…perfect　English　of　the　〃Venus　and

Adonis〃　in　the　space　of　ten　years；　and　at　the　same　time　learn

great　and　fine　and　unsurpassable　literary　FORM。



However；　it　is　〃conjectured〃　that　he　accomplished　all　this

and　more；　much　more：　　learned　law　and　its　intricacies；　and　the

complex　procedure　of　the　law…courts；　and　all　about　soldiering；

and　sailoring；　and　the　manners　and　customs　and　ways　of　royal

courts　and　aristocratic　society；　and　likewise　accumulated　in　his

one　head　every　kind　of　knowledge　the　learned　then　possessed；　and

every　kind　of　humble　knowledge　possessed　by　the　lowly　and　the

ignorant；　and　added　thereto　a　wider　and　more　intimate　knowledge

of　the　world's　great　literatures；　ancient　and　modern；　than　was

possessed　by　any　other　man　of　his　timefor　he　was　going　to　make

brilliant　and　easy　and　admiration…compelling　use　of　these

splendid　treasures　the　moment　he　got　to　London。　　And　according　to

the　surmisers；　that　is　what　he　did。　　Yes；　although　there　was　no

one　in　Stratford　able　to　teach　him　these　things；　and　no　library　in

the　little　village　to　dig　them　out　of。　　His　father　could　not　read；

and　even　the　surmisers　surmise　that　he　did　not　keep　a　library。



It　is　surmised　by　the　biographers　that　the　young　Shakespeare

got　his　vast　knowledge　of　the　law　and　his　familiar　and　accurate

acquaintance　with　the　manners　and　customs　and　shop…talk　of

lawyers　through　being　for　a　time　the　CLERK　OF　A　STRATFORD　COURT；

just　as　a　bright　lad　like　me；　reared　in　a　village　on　the　banks　of

the　Mississippi；　might　become　perfect　in　knowledge　of　the　Bering

Strait　whale…fishery　and　the　shop…talk　of　the　veteran　exercises

of　that　adventure…bristling　trade　through　catching　catfish　with　a

〃trot…line〃　Sundays。　　But　the　surmise　is　damaged　by　the　fact　that

there　is　no　evidenceand　not　even　traditionthat　the　young

Shakespeare　was　ever　clerk　of　a　law…court。



It　is　further　surmised　that　the　young　Shakespeare

accumulated　his　law…treasures　in　the　first　years　of　his　sojourn

in　London；　through　〃amusing　himself〃　by　learning　book…law　in　his

garret　and　by　picking　up　lawyer…talk　and　the　rest　of　it　through

loitering　about　the　law…courts　and　listening。　　But　it　is　only

surmise；　there　is　no　EVIDENCE　that　he　ever　did　either　of　those

things。　　They　are　merely　a　couple　of　chunks　of　plaster　of　Paris。



There　is　a　legend　that　he　got　his　bread　and　butter　by

holding　horses　in　front　of　the　London　theaters；　mornings　and

afternoons。　　Maybe　he　did。　　If　he　did；　it　seriously　shortened　his

law…study　hours　and　his　recreation…time　in　the　courts。　　In　those

very　days　he　was　writing　great　plays；　and　needed　all　the　time　he

could　get。　　The　horse…holding　legend　ought　to　be　strangled；　it

too　formidably　increases　the　historian's　difficulty　in　accounting

for　the　young　Shakespeare's　eruditionan　erudition　which　he　was

acquiring；　hunk　by　hunk　and　chunk　by　chunk；　every　day　in　those

strenuous　times；　and　emptying　each　day's　catch　into　next　day's

imperishable　drama。



He　had　to　acquire　a　knowledge　of　war　at　the　same　time；　and　a

knowledge　of　soldier…people　and　sailor…people　and　their　ways　and

talk；　also　a　knowledge　of　some　foreign　lands　and　their　languages：

for　he　was　daily　emptying　fluent　streams　of　these　various　knowledges；

too；　into　his　dramas。　　How　did　he　acquire　these　rich　assets？



In　the　usual　way：　　by　surmise。　　It　is　SURMISED　that　he

traveled　in　Italy　and　Germany　and　around；　and　qualified　himself

to　put　their　scenic　and　social　aspects　upon　paper；　that　he

perfected　himself　in　French；　Italian；　and　Spanish　on　the　road；

that　he　went　in　Leicester's　expedition　to　the　Low　Countries；　as

soldier　or　sutler　or　something；　for　several　months　or　yearsor

whatever　length　of　time　a　surmiser　needs　in　his　businessand

thus　became　familiar　with　soldiership　and　soldier…ways　and

soldier…talk　and　generalship　and　general…ways　and　general…talk；

and　seamanship　and　sailor…ways　and　sailor…talk。



Maybe　he　did　all　these　things；　but　I　would　like　to　know　who

held　the　horses　in　the　mean　time；　and　who　studied　the　books　in

the　garret；　and　who　frolicked　in　the　law…courts　for　recreation。

Also；　who　did　the　call…boying　and　the　play…acting。



For　he　became　a　call…boy；　and　as　early　as　'93　he　became　a

〃vagabond〃the　law's　ungentle　term　for　an　unlisted　actor；　and　in

'94　a　〃regular〃　and　properly　and　officially　listed　member　of　that

（in　those　days）　lightly　valued　and　not　much　respected　profession。



Right　soon　thereafter　he　became　a　stockholder　in　two

theaters；　and　manager　of　them。　　Thenceforward　he　was　a　busy　and

flourishing　business　man；　and　was　raking　in　money　with　both　hands

for　twenty　years。　　Then　in　a　noble　frenzy　of　poetic　inspiration

he　wrote　his　one　poemhis　only　poem；　his　darlingand　laid　him

down　and　died：





Good　friend　for　Iesus　sake　forbeare

To　digg　the　dust　encloased　heare：

Blest　be　ye　man　yt　spares　thes　stones

And　curst　be　he　yt　moves　my　bones。





He　was　probably　dead　when　he　wrote　it。　　Still；　this　is　only

conjecture。　　We　have　only　circumstantial　evidence。　　Internal

evidence。



Shall　I　set　down　the　rest　of　the　Conjectures　which

constitute　the　giant　Biography　of　William　Shakespeare？　　It　would

strain　the　Unabridged　Dictionary　to　hold　them。　　He　is　a

brontosaur：　　nine　bones　and　six　hundred　barrels　of　plaster　of

Paris。







　V



〃We　May　Assume〃



In　the　Assuming　trade　three　separate　and　independent　cults

are　transacting　business。　　Two　of　these　cults　are　known　as　the

Shakespearites　and　the　Baconians；　and　I　am　the　other　onethe

Brontosaurian。



The　Shakespearite　knows　that　Shakespeare　wrote　Shakespeare's

Works；　the　Baconian　knows　that　Francis　Bacon　wrote　them；　the

Brontosaurian　doesn't　really　know　which　of　them　did　it；　but　is

quite　composedly　and　contentedly　sure　that　Shakespeare　DIDN'T；

and　strongly　suspects　that　Bacon　DID。　　We　all　have　to　do　a　good

deal　of　assuming；　but　I　am　fairly　certain　that　in　every　case　I

can　call　to　mind　the　Baconian　assumers　have　come　out　ahead　of　the

Shakespearites。　　Both　parties　handle　the　same　materials；　but　the

Baconians　seem　to　me　to　get　much　more　reasonable　and　rational　and

persuasive　results　out　of　them　than　is　the　case　with　the

Shakespearites。　　The　Shakespearite　conducts　his　assuming　upon　a

definite　principle；　an　unchanging　and　immutable　law：　　which　is：

2　and　8　and　7　and　14；　added　together；　make　165。　　I　believe　this

to　be　an　error。　　No　matter；　you　cannot　get　a　habit…sodden

Shakespearite　to　cipher…up　his　materials　upon　any　other　basis。

With　the　Baconian　it　is　different。　　If　you　place　before　him　the

above　figures　and　set　him　to　adding　them　up；　he　will　never　in　any

case　get　more　than　45　out　of　them；　and　in　nine　cases　out　of　ten

he　will　get　just　the　proper　31。