dream days(做梦的日子)-第11章
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believe that； from off the backs of creamy Arab steeds； ladies of more than
earthly beauty discharged themselves through paper hoops？ No； it was
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not altogether possible； there must have been some exaggeration。 Still； I
would be content with very little； I would take a low percentagea very
small proportion of the circus myth would more than satisfy me。 But
again； even supposing that history were； once in a way； no liar； could it be
that I myself was really fated to look upon this thing in the flesh and to
live through it； to survive the rapture？ No； it was altogether too much。
Something was bound to happen； one of us would develop measles； the
world would blow up with a loud explosion。 I must not dare； I must not
presume； to entertain the smallest hope。 I must endeavour sternly to
think of something else。
Needless to say； I thought； I dreamed of nothing else； day or night。
Waking； I walked arm…in…arm with a clown； and cracked a portentous whip
to the brave music of a band。 Sleeping； I pursuedperched astride of a
coal…black horsea princess all gauze and spangles； who always managed
to keep just one unattainable length ahead。 In the early morning Harold
and I； once fully awake； cross…examined each other as to the possibilities
of this or that circus tradition； and exhausted the lore long ere the first
housemaid was stirring。 In this state of exaltation we slipped onward to
what promised to be a day of all white dayswhich brings me right back
to my text； that grown…up people really ought to be more careful。
I had known it could never really be； I had said so to myself a dozen
times。 The vision was too sweetly ethereal for embodiment。
Yet the pang of the disillusionment was none the less keen and
sickening； and the pain was as that of a corporeal wound。 It seemed
strange and foreboding； when we entered the breakfast… room； not to find
everybody cracking whips； jumping over chairs； and whooping。 In
ecstatic rehearsal of the wild reality to come。
The situation became grim and pallid indeed； when I caught the
expressions 〃garden…party〃 and 〃my mauve tulle；〃 and realized that they
both referred to that very afternoon。 And every minute； as I sat silent and
listened； my heart sank lower and lower； descending relentlessly like a
clock…weight into my boot soles。
Throughout my agony I never dreamed of resorting to a direct question；
much less a reproach。 Even during the period of joyful anticipation some
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fear of breaking the spell had kept me from any bald circus talk in the
presence of them。 But Harold； who was built in quite another way； so
soon as he discerned the drift of their conversation and heard the knell of
all his hopes； filled the room with wail and clamour of bereavement。 The
grinning welkin rang with 〃Circus！〃 〃Circus！〃 shook the window…panes；
the mocking walls re…echoed 〃Circus！〃 Circus he would have； and the
whole circus； and nothing but the circus。 No compromise for him； no
evasions； no fallacious； unsecured promises to pay。 He had drawn his
cheque on the Bank of Expectation； and it had got to be cashed then and
there； else he would yell； and yell himself into a fit； and come out of it and
yell again。 Yelling should be his profession； his art； his mission； his
career。 He was qualified； he was resolute； and he was in no hurry to
retire from the business。
The noisy ones of the world； if they do not always shout themselves
into the imperial purple； are sure at least of receiving attention。 If they
cannot sell everything at their own price； one thingsilencemust； at any
cost； be purchased of them。 Harold accordingly had to be consoled by
the employment of every specious fallacy and base…born trick known to
those whose doom it is to handle children。 For me their hollow cajolery
had no interest； I could pluck no consolation out of their bankrupt though
prodigal pledges I only waited till that hateful； well…known 〃Some other
time； dear！〃 told me that hope was finally dead。 Then I left the room
without any remark。 It made it worseif anything couldto hear that
stale； worn…out old phrase； still supposed by those dullards to have some
efficacy。
To nature； as usual； I drifted by instinct； and there； out of the track of
humanity； under a friendly hedge…row had my black hour unseen。 The
world was a globe no longer； space was no more filled with whirling
circuses of spheres。 That day the old beliefs rose up and asserted
themselves； and the earth was flat againditch…riddled； stagnant； and
deadly flat。 The undeviating roads crawled straight and white； elms
dressed themselves stiffly along inflexible hedges； all nature； centrifugal
no longer； sprawled flatly in lines out to its farthest edge； and I felt just
like walking out to that terminus； and dropping quietly off。 Then； as I sat
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there； morosely chewing bits of stick； the recollection came back to me of
certain fascinating advertisements I had spelled out in the papers
advertisements of great and happy men； owning big ships of tonnage
running into four figures； who yet craved； to the extent of public
supplication； for the sympathetic co…operation of youths as apprentices。 I
did not rightly know what apprentices might be； nor whether I was yet big
enough to be styled a youth； but one thing seemed clear； that； by some
such means as this； whatever the intervening hardships； I could eventually
visit all the circuses of the worldthe circuses of merry France and gaudy
Spain； of Holland and Bohemia； of China and Peru。 Here was a plan
worth thinking out in all its bearings； for something had presently to be
done to end this intolerable state of things。
Mid…day； and even feeding…time； passed by gloomily enough； till a
small disturbance occurred which had the effect of releasing some of the
electricity with which the air was charged。 Harold； it should be
explained； was of a very different mental mould； and never brooded；
moped； nor ate his heart out over any disappointment。 One wild
outburstone dissolution of a minute into his original elements of air and
water； of tears and outcryso much insulted nature claimed。 Then he
would pull himself together； iron out his countenance with a smile； and
adjust himself to the new condition of things。
If the gods are ever grateful to man for anything； it is when he is so
good as
