the book of snobs-第7章

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a　ruffian；　and　yet　be　exceedingly　popular；　or　a　rogue；

and　yet　excuses　will　be　found　for　him。　　Snobs　will　still

worship　him。　　Male　Snobs　will　do　him　honour；　and　females


look　kindly　upon　him；　however　hideous　he　may　be。







CHAPTER　VI



ON　SOME　RESPECTABLE　SNOBS



Having　received　a　great　deal　of　obloquy　for　dragging

monarchs；　princes；　and　the　respected　nobility　into　the

Snob　category；　I　trust　to　please　everybody　in　the　present

chapter；　by　stating　my　firm　opinion　that　it　is　among　the

RESPECTABLE　classes　of　this　vast　and　happy　empire　that

the　greatest　profusion　of　Snobs　is　to　be　found。　　I　pace

down　my　beloved　Baker　Street；　（I　am　engaged　on　a　life　of

Baker；　founder　of　this　celebrated　street；）　I　walk　in

Harley　Street　（where　every　other　house　has　a　hatchment）；

Wimpole　Street；　that　is　as　cheerful　as　the　Catacombsa

dingy　Mausoleum　of　the　genteel：I　rove　round　Regent's

Park；　where　the　plaster　is　patching　off　the　house　walls；

where　Methodist　preachers　are　holding　forth　to　three

little　children　in　the　green　inclosures；　and　puffy

valetudinarians　are　cantering　in　the　solitary　mud：I

thread　the　doubtful　ZIG…ZAGS　of　May　Fair；　where　Mrs。

Kitty　Lorimer's　Brougham　may　be　seen　drawn　up　next　door

to　old　Lady　Lollipop's　belozenged　family　coach；I　roam

through　Belgravia；　that　pale　and　polite　district；　where

all　the　inhabitants　look　prim　and　correct；　and　the

mansions　are　painted　a　faint　whity…brown：　I　lose　myself

in　the　new　squares　and　terraces　of　the　brilliant　bran…new

Bayswater…and…Tyburn…Junction　line；　and　in　one　and　all　of

these　districts　the　same　truth　comes　across　me。　　I　stop

before　any　house　at　hazard；　and　say；　'O　house；　you　are

inhabitedO　knocker；　you　are　knocked　atO　undressed

flunkey；　sunning　your　lazy　calves　as　you　lean　against　the

iron　railings；　you　are　paidby　Snobs。'　　It　is　a

tremendous　thought　that；　and　it　is　almost　sufficient　to

drive　a　benevolent　mind　to　madness　to　think　that　perhaps

there　is　not　one　in　ten　of　those　houses　where　the

'Peerage'　does　not　lie　on　the　drawing…room　table。

Considering　the　harm　that　foolish　lying　book　does；　I

would　have　all　the　copies　of　it　burned；　as　the　barber

burned　all　Quixote's　books　of　humbugging　chivalry。



Look　at　this　grand　house　in　the　middle　of　the　square。

The　Earl　of　Loughcorrib　lives　there：　he　has　fifty

thousand　a　year。　　A　DEJEUNER　DANSANT　given　at　his　house

last　week　cost；　who　knows　how　much？　　The　mere　flowers　for

the　room　and　bouquets　for　the　ladies　cost　four　hundred

pounds。　　That　man　in　drab　trousers；　coming　crying　down

the　stops；　is　a　dun：　Lord　Loughcorrib　has　ruined　him；　and

won't　see　him：　that　is　his　lordship　peeping　through　the

blind　of　his　study　at　him　now。　　Go　thy　ways；　Loughcorrib；

thou　art　a　Snob；　a　heartless　pretender；　a　hypocrite　of

hospitality；　a　rogue　who　passes　forged　notes　upon

society；but　I　am　growing　too　eloquent。



You　see　that　nice　house；　No。　23；　where　a　butcher's　boy　is

ringing　the　area…bell。　　He　has　three　muttonchops　in　his

tray。　　They　are　for　the　dinner　of　a　very　different　and

very　respectable　family；　for　Lady　Susan　Scraper；　and　her

daughters；　Miss　Scraper　and　Miss　Emily　Scraper。　　The

domestics；　luckily　for　them；　are　on　board　wagestwo　huge

footmen　in　light　blue　and　canary；　a　fat　steady　coachman

who　is　a　Methodist；　and　a　butler　who　would　never　have

stayed　in　the　family　but　that　he　was　orderly　to　General

Scraper　when　the　General　distinguished　himself　at

Walcheren。　　His　widow　sent　his　portrait　to　the　United

Service　Club；　and　it　is　hung　up　in　one　of　the　back

dressing…closets　there。　　He　is　represented　at　a　parlour

window　with　red　curtains；　in　the　distance　is　a　whirlwind；

in　which　cannon　are　firing　off；　and　he　is　pointing　to　a

chart；　on　which　are　written　the　words　'Walcheren；

Tobago。'



Lady　Susan　is；　as　everybody　knows　by　referring　to　the

'British　Bible；'　a　daughter　of　the　great　and　good　Earl

Bagwig　before　mentioned。　　She　thinks　everything　belonging

to　her　the　greatest　and　best　in　the　world。　　The　first　of

men　naturally　are　the　Buckrams；　her　own　race：　then　follow

in　rank　the　Scrapers。　　The　General　was　the　greatest

general：　his　eldest　son；　Scraper　Buckram　Scraper；　is　at

present　the　greatest　and　best；　his　second　son　the　next

greatest　and　best；　and　herself　the　paragon　of　women。



Indeed；　she　is　a　most　respectable　and　honourable　lady。

She　goes　to　church　of　course：　she　would　fancy　the　Church

in　danger　if　she　did　not。　　She　subscribes　to　Church　and

parish　charities；　and　is　a　directress　of　meritorious

charitable　institutionsof　Queen　Charlotte's　Lying…in

Hospital；　the　Washerwomen's　Asylum；　the　British　Drummers'

Daughters'　Home；　&c。。　　She　is　a　model　of　a　matron。



The　tradesman　never　lived　who　could　say　that　he　was　not

paid　on　the　quarter…day。　　The　beggars　of　her

neighbourhood　avoid　her　like　a　pestilence；　for　while　she

walks　out；　protected　by　John；　that　domestic　has　always

two　or　three　mendicity　tickets　ready　for　deserving

objects。　　Ten　guineas　a　year　will　pay　all　her　charities。

There　is　no　respectable　lady　in　all　London　who　gets　her

name　more　often　printed　for　such　a　sum　of　money。



Those　three　mutton…chops　which　you　see　entering　at　the

kitchen…door　will　be　served　on　the　family…plate　at　seven

o'clock　this　evening；　the　huge　footman　being　present；　and

the　butler　in　black；　and　the　crest　and　coat…of…arms　of

the　Scrapers　blazing　everywhere。　　I　pity　Miss　Emily

Scrapershe　is　still　youngyoung　and　hungry。　　Is　it　a

fact　that　she　spends　her　pocket…money　in　buns？　　Malicious

tongues　say　so；　but　she　has　very　little　to　spare　for

buns；　the　poor　little　hungry　soul！　　For　the　fact　is；　that

when　the　footmen；　and　the　ladies'　maids；　and　the　fat

coach…horses；　which　are　jobbed；　and　the　six　dinner…

parties　in　the　season；　and　the　two　great　solemn　evening…

parties；　and　the　rent　of　the　big　house；　and　the　journey

to　an　English　or　foreign　watering…place　for　the　autumn；

are　paid；　my　lady's　income　has　dwindled　away　to　a　very

small　sum；　and　she　is　as　poor　as　you　or　I。



You　would　not　think　it　when　you　saw　her　big　carriage

rattling　up　to　the　drawing…room；　and　caught　a　glimpse　of

her　plumes；　lappets；　and　diamonds；　waving　over　her

ladyship's　sandy　hair　and　majestical　hooked　nose；you

would　not　think　it　when　you　hear　'Lady　Susan　Scraper's

carriage'　bawled　out　at　midnight　so　as　to　disturb　all

Belgravia：you　would　not　think　it　when　she　comes

rustling　into　church；　the　obsequious　John　behind　with　the

bag　of　Prayer…books。　　Is　it　possible；　you　would　say；　that

so　grand　and　awful　a　personage　as　that　can　be　hard…up　for

money？　　Alas！　　So　it　is。



She　never　heard　such　a　word　as　Snob；　I　will　engage；　in

this　wicked　and　vulgar　world。　　And；　O　stars　and　garters！

how　she　would　start　if　she　heard　that　sheshe；　as　solemn

as　Minervashe；　as　chaste　as　Diana　（without　that　heathen

goddess's　unladylike　propensity　for　field…sports）that

she　too　was　a　Snob！



A　Snob　she　is；　as　long　as　she　sets　that　prodigious　value

upon　herself；　upon　her　name；　upon　her　outward　appearance；

and　indulges　in　that　intolerable　pomposity；　as　long　as

she　goes　parading　abroad；　like　Solomon　in　all　his　glory；

as　long　as　she　goes　to　bedas　I　believe　she　doeswith　a

turban　and　a　bird　of　paradise　in　it；　and　a　court　train　to

her　night…gown；　as　long　as　she　is　so　insufferably

virtuous　and　condescending；　as　long　as　she　does　not　cut

at　least　one　of　those　footmen　down　into　mutton…chops　for

the　benefit　of　the　young　ladies。



I　had　my　notions　of　her　from　my　old　schoolfellow；her

son　Sydney　Scrapera　Chancery　barrister　without　any

practicethe　most　placid；　polite；　and　genteel　of　Snobs；

who　never　exceeded　his　allowance　of　two　hundred　a　year；

and　who　may　be　seen　any　evening　at　the　'Oxford　and

Cambridge　Club；'　simpering　over　the　QUARTERLY　REVIEW；　in

the　blameless　enjoyment　of　his　half…pint　of　port。







CHAPTER　VII



ON　SOME　RESPECTABLE　SNOBS



Look　at　the　next　house　to　Lady　Susan　Scraper's。　　The

first　mansion　with　the　awning　over　the