the book of snobs-第6章

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a　pail　of　water　to　put　his　Majesty　out。



I　am　like　the　Pasha　of　three　tails；　to　whom　the　Sultan

sends　HIS　COURT　CIRCULAR；　the　bowstring。



It　CHOKES　me。　　May　its　usage　be　abolished　for　ever。







CHAPTER　V



WHAT　SNOBS　ADMIRE



Now　let　us　consider　how　difficult　it　is　even　for　great

men　to　escape　from　being　Snobs。　　It　is　very　well　for　the

reader；　whose　fine　feelings　are　disgusted　by　the

assertion　that　Kings；　Princes；　Lords；　are　Snobs；　to　say

'You　are　confessedly　a　Snob　yourself。　　In　professing　to

depict　Snobs；　it　is　only　your　own　ugly　mug　which　you　are

copying　with　a　Narcissus…like　conceit　and　fatuity。'　　But

I　shall　pardon　this　explosion　of　ill…temper　on　the　part

of　my　constant　reader；　reflecting　upon　the　misfortune　of

his　birth　and　country。　　It　is　impossible　for　ANY　Briton；

perhaps；　not　to　be　a　Snob　in　some　degree。　　If　people　can

be　convinced　of　this　fact；　an　immense　point　is　gained；

surely。　　If　I　have　pointed　out　the　disease；　let　us　hope

that　other　scientific　characters　may　discover　the　remedy。



If　you；　who　are　a　person　of　the　middle　ranks　of　life；　are

a　Snob；you　whom　nobody　flatters　particularly；　you　who

have　no　toadies；　you　whom　no　cringing　flunkeys　or　shopmen

bow　out　of　doors；　you　whom　the　policeman　tells　to　move

on；　you　who　are　jostled　in　the　crowd　of　this　world；　and

amongst　the　Snobs　our　brethren：　consider　how　much　harder

it　is　for　a　man　to　escape　who　has　not　your　advantages；

and　is　all　his　life　long　subject　to　adulation；　the　butt

of　meanness；　consider　how　difficult　it　is　for　the　Snobs'

idol　not　to　be　a　Snob。



As　I　was　discoursing　with　my　friend　Eugenio　in　this

impressive　way；　Lord　Buckram　passed　us；　the　son　of　the

Marquis　of　Bagwig；　and　knocked　at　the　door　of　the　family

mansion　in　Red　Lion　Square。　　His　noble　father　and　mother

occupied；　as　everybody　knows；　distinguished　posts　in　the

Courts　of　late　Sovereigns。　　The　Marquis　was　Lord　of　the

Pantry；　and　her　Ladyship；　Lady　of　the　Powder　Closet　to

Queen　Charlotte。　　Buck　（as　I　call　him；　for　we　are　very

familiar）　gave　me　a　nod　as　he　passed；　and　I　proceeded　to

show　Eugenio　how　it　was　impossible　that　this　nobleman

should　not　be　one　of　ourselves；　having　been　practised

upon　by　Snobs　all　his　life。



His　parents　resolved　to　give　him　a　public　education；　and

sent　him　to　school　at　the　earliest　possible　period。　　The

Reverend　Otto　Rose；　D。D。；　Principal　of　the　Preparatory

Academy　for　young　noblemen　and　gentlemen；　Richmond　Lodge；

took　this　little　Lord　in　hand；　and　fell　down　and

worshipped　him。　　He　always　introduced　him　to　fathers　and

mothers　who　came　to　visit　their　children　at　the　school。

He　referred　with　pride　and　pleasure　to　the　most　noble　the

Marquis　of　Bagwig；　as　one　of　the　kind　friends　and　patrons

of　his　Seminary。　　He　made　Lord　Buckram　a　bait　for　such　a

multiplicity　of　pupils；　that　a　new　wing　was　built　to

Richmond　Lodge；　and　thirty…five　new　little　white　dimity

beds　were　added　to　the　establishment。　　Mm。　Rose　used　to

take　out　the　little　Lord　in　the　one…horse　chaise　with　her

when　she　paid　visits；　until　the　Rector's　lady　and　the

Surgeon's　wife　almost　died　with　envy。　　His　own　son　and

Lord　Buckram　having　been　discovered　robbing　an　orchard

together；　the　Doctor　flogged　his　own　flesh　and　blood　most

unmercifully　for　leading　the　young　Lord　astray。　　He

parted　from　him　with　tears。　　There　was　always　a　letter

directed　to　the　Most　Noble　the　Marquis　ef　Bagwig；　on　the

Doctor's　study　table；　when　any　visitors　were　received　by

him。



At　Eton；　a　great　deal　of　Snobbishness　was　thrashed　out　of

Lord　Buckram；　and　he　was　birched　with　perfect

impartiality。　　Even　there；　however；　a　select　band　of

sucking　tuft…hunters　followed　him。　　Young　Croesus　lent

him　three…and…twenty　bran…new　sovereigns　out　of　his

father's　bank。　　Young　Snaily　did　his　exercises　for　him；

and　tried　'to　know　him　at　home；'　but　Young　Bull　licked

him　in　a　fight　of　fifty…five　minutes；　and　he　was　caned

several　times　with　great　advantage　for　not　sufficiently

polishing　his　master　Smith's　shoes。　　Boys　are　not　ALL

toadies　in　the　morning　of　life。



But　when　he　went　to　the　University；　crowds　of　toadies

sprawled　over　him。　　The　tutors　toadied　him。　　The　fellows

in　hall　paid　him　great　clumsy　compliments。　　The　Dean

never　remarked　his　absence　from　Chapel；　or　heard　any

noise　issuing　from　his　rooms。　　A　number　of　respectable

young　fellows；　（it　is　among　the　respectable；　the　Baker

Street　class；　that　Snobbishness　flourishes；　more　than

among　any　set　of　people　in　England）a　number　of　these

clung　to　him　like　leeches。　　There　was　no　end　now　to

Croesus's　loans　of　money；　and　Buckram　couldn't　ride　out

with　the　hounds；　but　Snaily　（a　timid　creature　by　nature）

was　in　the　field；　and　would　take　any　leap　at　which　his

friend　chose　to　ride。　　Young　Rose　came　up　to　the　same

College；　having　been　kept　back　for　that　express　purpose

by　his　father。　　He　spent　a　quarter's　allowance　in　giving

Buckram　a　single　dinner；　but　he　knew　there　was　always

pardon　for　him　for　extravagance　in　such　a　cause；　and　a

ten…pound　note　always　came　to　him　from　home　when　he

mentioned　Buckram's　name　in　a　letter。　　What　wild　visions

entered　the　brains　of　Mrs。　Podge　and　Miss　Podge；　the　wife

and　daughter　of　the　Principal　of　Lord　Buckram's　College；

I　don't　know；　but　that　reverend　old　gentleman　was　too

profound　a　flunkey　by　nature　ever　for　one　minute　to　think

that　a　child　of　his　could　marry　a　nobleman。　　He　therefore

hastened　on　his　daughter's　union　with　Professer　Crab。



When　Lord　Buckram；　after　taking　his　honorary　degree；　（for

Alma　Mater　is　a　Snob；　too；　and　truckles　to　a　Lord　like

the　rest；）when　Lord　Buckram　went　abread　to　finish　his

education；　you　all　know　what　dangers　he　ran；　and　what

numbers　of　caps　were　set　at　him。　　Lady　Leach　and　her

daughters　followed　him　from　Paris　to　Rome；　and　from　Rome

to　Baden…Baden；　Miss　Leggitt　burst　into　tears　before　his

face　when　he　announced　his　determination　to　quit　Naples；

and　fainted　on　the　neck　of　her　mamma：　Captain　Macdragon；

of　Macdragonstown；　County　Tipperary；　called　upon　him　to

'explene　his　intintions　with　respect　to　his　sisther；　Miss

Amalia　Macdragon；　of　Macdragonstown；'　and　proposed　to

shoot　him　unless　he　married　that　spotless　and　beautiful

young　creature；　who　was　afterwards　led　to　the　altar　by

Mr。　Muff；　at　Cheltenham。　　If　perseverance　and　forty

thousand　pounds　down　could　have　tempted　him；　Miss　Lydia

Croesus　would　certainly　have　been　Lady　Buckram。　　Count

Towrowski　was　glad　to　take　her　with　half　the　meney；　as

all　the　genteel　world　knows。



And　now；　perhaps；　the　reader　is　anxious　to　know　what　sort

of　a　man　this　is　who　wounded　so　many　ladies'　hearts；　and

who　has　been　such　a　prodigious　favourite　with　men。　　If　we

were　to　describe　him　it　would　be　personal。　　Besides；　it

really　does　not　matter　in　the　least　what　sort　of　a　man　he

is；　or　what　his　personal　qualities　are。



Suppose　he　is　a　young　nobleman　of　a　literary　turn；　and

that　he　published　poems　ever　so　foolish　and　feeble；　the

Snobs　would　purchase　thousands　of　his　volumes：　the

publishers　（who　refused　my　Passion…Flowers；　and　my　grand

Epic　at　any　price）　would　give　him　his　own。　　Suppose　he　is

a　nobleman　of　a　jovial　turn；　and　has　a　fancy　for

wrenching　off　knockers；　frequenting　ginshops；　and　half

murdering　policemen：　the　public　will　sympathize　good…

naturedly　with　his　amusements；　and　say　he　is　a　hearty；

honest　fellow。　　Suppose　he　is　fond　of　play　and　the　turf；

and　has　a　fancy　to　be　a　blackleg；　and　occasionally

condescends　to　pluck　a　pigeon　at　cards；　the　public　will

pardon　him；　and　many　honest　people　will　court　him；　as

they　would　court　a　housebreaker　if　he　happened　to　be　a

Lord。　　Suppose　he　is　an　idiot；　yet；　by　the　glorious

constitution；　he　is　good　enough　to　govern　US。　　Suppose　he

is　an　honest；　highminded　gentleman；　so　much　the　better

for　himself。　　But　he　may　be　an　ass；　and　yet　respected；　or

a　ruffian；　and　yet　be　exceedingly　popular；　or　a　rogue；

and　yet　excuses　will　be　found　for　him。　　Snobs　will