the book of snobs-第5章

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THE　COURT　CIRCULAR；　AND　ITS　INFLUENCE　ON　SNOBS



Example　is　the　best　of　precepts；　so　let　us　begin　with　a

true　and　authentic　story；　showing　how　young　aristocratic

snobs　are　reared；　and　how　early　their　Snobbishness　may　be

made　to　bloom。　　A　beautiful　and　fashionable　lady

（pardon；　gracious　madam；　that　your　story　should　be　made

public；　but　it　is　so　moral　that　it　ought　to　be　known　to

the　universal　world）told　me　that　in　her　early　youth　she

had　a　little　acquaintance；　who　is　now　indeed　a　beautiful

and　fashionable　lady　too。　　In　mentioning　Miss　Snobky；

daughter　of　Sir　Snobby　Snobky；　whose　presentation　at

Court　caused　such　a　sensation；　need　I　say　more？



When　Miss　Snobky　was　so　very　young　as　to　be　in　the

nursery　regions；　and　to　walk　off　early　mornings　in　St。

James's　Park；　protected　by　a　French　governess　and

followed　by　a　huge　hirsute　flunkey　in　the　canary　coloured

livery　of　the　Snobkys；　she　used　occasionally　in　these

promenades　to　meet　with　young　Lord　Claude　Lollipop；　the

Marquis　of　Sillabub's　younger　son。　　In　the　very　height　of

the　season；　from　some　unexplained　cause；　the　Snobkys

suddenly　determined　upon　leaving　town。　　Miss　Snobky　spoke

to　her　female　friend　and　confidante。　　'What　will　poor

Claude　Lollipop　say　when　he　hears　of　my　absence？'　asked

the　tender…hearted　child。



'Oh；　perhaps　he　won't　hear　of　it；'　answers　the

confidante。



'MY　DEAR；　HE　WILL　READ　IT　IN　THE　PAPERS；'　replied　the

dear　little　fashionable　rogue　of　seven　years　old。　　She

knew　already　her　importance；　and　how　all　the　world　of

England；　how　all　the　would…be…genteel　people；　how　all　the

silver…fork　worshippers；　how　all　the　tattle…mongers；　how

all　the　grocers'　ladies；　the　tailors'　ladies；　the

attorneys'　and　merchants'　ladies；　and　the　people　living

at　Clapham　and　Brunswick　Square；who　have　no　more　chance

of　consorting　with　a　Snobky　than　my　beloved　reader　has　of

dining　with　the　Emperor　of　Chinayet　watched　the

movements　of　the　Snobkys　with　interest　and　were　glad　to

know　when　they　came　to　London　and　left　it。



Here　is　the　account　of　Miss　Snobky's　dress；　and　that　of

her　mother；　Lady　Snobky；　from　the　papers：



'MISS　SNOBKY。



Habit　de　Cour；　composed　of　a　yellow　nankeen　illusion

dress　over　a　slip　of　rich　pea…green　corduroy；　trimmed　en

tablier；　with　bouquets　of　Brussels　sprouts：　the　body　and

sleeves　handsomely　trimmed　with　calimanco；　and　festooned

with　a　pink　train　and　white　radishes。　　Head…dress；

carrots　and　lappets。



'LADY　SNOBKY。



'Costume　de　Cour；　composed　of　a　train　of　the　most　superb

Pekin　bandannas；　elegantly　trimmed　with　spangles；

tinfoil；　and　red…tape。　　Bodice　and　underdress　of　sky…blue

velveteen；　trimmed　with　bouffants　and　noeuds　of　bell…

pulls。　　Stomacher　a　muffin。　　Head…dress　a　bird's　nest；

with　a　bird　of　paradise；　over　a　rich　brass　knocker　en

ferroniere。　　This　splendid　costume；　by　Madame　Crinoline；

of　Regent　Street；　was　the　object　of　universal

admiration。'



This　is　what　you　read。　　Oh；　Mrs。　Ellis！　　Oh；　mothers；

daughters；　aunts；　grandmothers　of　England；　this　is　the

sort　of　writing　which　is　put　in　the　newspapers　for　you！

How　can　you　help　being　the　mothers；　daughters；　&c。　of

Snobs；　so　long　as　this　balderdash　is　set　before　you？



You　stuff　the　little　rosy　foot　of　a　Chinese　young　lady　of

fashion　into　a　slipper　that　is　about　the　size　of　a　salt…

cruet；　and　keep　the　poor　little　toes　there　imprisoned　and

twisted　up　so　long　that　the　dwarfishness　becomes

irremediable。　　Later；　the　foot　would　not　expand　to　the

natural　size　were　you　to　give　her　a　washing…tub　for　a

shoe　and　for　all　her　life　she　has　little　feet；　and　is　a

cripple。　　Oh；　my　dear　Miss　Wiggins；　thank　your　stars　that

those　beautiful　feet　of　yoursthough　I　declare　when　you

walk　they　are　so　small　as　to　be　almost　invisiblethank

your　stars　that　society　never　so　practised　upon　them；　but

look　around　and　see　how　many　friends　of　ours　in　the


highest　circles　have　had　their　BRAINS　so　prematurely　and

hopelessly　pinched　and　distorted。



How　can　you　expect　that　those　poor　creatures　are　to　move

naturally　when　the　world　and　their　parents　have　mutilated

them　so　cruelly？　　As　long　as　a　COURT　CIRCULAR　exists；　how

the　deuce　are　people　whose　names　are　chronicled　in　it

ever　to　believe　themselves　the　equals　of　the　cringing

race　which　daily　reads　that　abominable　trash？　　I　believe

that　ours　is　the　only　country　in　the　world　now　where　the

COURT　CIRCULAR　remains　in　full　flourishwhere　you　read；

'This　day　his　Royal　Highness　Prince　Pattypan　was　taken　an

airing　in　his　go…cart。'　　'The　Princess　Pimminy　was　taken

a　drive；　attended　by　her　ladies　of　honour；　and

accompanied　by　her　doll；'　&c。　　We　laugh　at　the　solemnity

with　which　Saint　Simon　announces　that　SA　MAJESTE　SE

MEDICAMENTE　AUJOURD'HUI。　　Under　our　very　noses　the　same

folly　is　daily　going　on。　　〃That　wonderful　and　mysterious

man；　the　author　of　the　COURT　CIRCULAR；　drops　in　with　his

budget　at　the　newspaper　offices　every　night。　　I　once

asked　the　editor　of　a　paper　to　allow　me　to　lie　in　wait

and　see　him。



I　am　told　that　in　a　kingdom　where　there　is　a　German　King…

Consort　（Portugal　it　must　be；　for　the　Queen　of　that

country　married　a　German　Prince；　who　is　greatly　admired

and　respected　by　the　natives）；　whenever　the　Consort　takes

the　diversion　of　shooting　among　the　rabbit…warrens　of

Cintra；　or　the　pheasant…preserve　of　Mafra；　he　has　a

keeper　to　load　his　guns；　as　a　matter　of　course；　and　then

they　are　handed　to　the　nobleman；　his　equerry；　and　the

nobleman　hands　them　to　the　Prince　who　blazes　awaygives

back　the　discharged　gun　to　the　nobleman；　who　gives　it　to

the　keeper；　and　so　on。　　But　the　Prince　WON'T　TAKE　THE　GUN

FROM　THE　HANDS　OF　THE　LOADER。



As　long　as　this　unnatural　and　monstrous　etiquette

continues；　Snobs　there　must　be。　　The　three　persons

engaged　in　this　transaction　are；　for　the　time　being；

Snobs。



1。　　The　keeperthe　least　Snob　of　all；　because　he　is

discharging　his　daily　duty；　but　he　appears　here　as　a

Snob；　that　is　to　say；　in　a　position　of　debasement；before

another　human　being　（the　Prince）；　with　whom　he　is　allowed

to　cemmunicate　through　another　party。　　A　free　Portuguese

gamekeeper；　who　professes　himself　to　be　unworthy　to

communicate　directly　with　any　person；　confesses　himself

to　be　a　Snob。



2。　　The　nobleman　in　waiting　is　a　Snob。　　If　it　degrades

the　Prince　to　receive　the　gun　from　the　gamekeeper；　it　is

degrading　to　the　nobleman　in　waiting　to　execute　that

service。　　He　acts　as　a　Snob　towards　the　keeper；　whom　he

keeps　from　communication　with　the　Princea　Snob　to　the

Prince；　to　whom　he　pays　a　degrading　homage。



3。　　The　King…Consort　of　Portugal　is　a　Snob　for　insulting

fellow…men　in　this　way。　　There's　no　harm　in　his　accepting

the　services　of　the　keeper　directly；　but　indirectly　he

insults　the　service　performed；　and　the　servants　who

perform　it；　and　therefore；　I　say；　respectfully；　is　a　most

undoubted；　though　royal　Snob。



And　then　you　read　in　the　DIARIO　DO　GOBERNO'Yesterday

his　Majesty　the　King　took　the　diversion　of　shooting　the

woods　off　Cintra；　attended　by　Colonel　the　honourable

Whiskerando　Sombrero。　　His　Majesty　returned　to　the

Necessidades　to　lunch；　at；'　&c。　&c。。



Oh！　that　COURT　CIRCULAR！　once　more；　I　exclaim。



Down　with　the　COURT　CIRCULARthat　engine　and　propagator

of　Snobbishness！　　I　promise　to　subscribe　for　a　year　to

any　daily　paper　that　shall　come　out　without　a　COURT

CIRCULARwere　it　the　MORNING　HERALD　itself。　　When　I　read

that　trash；　I　rise　in　my　wrath；　I　feel　myself　disloyal；　a

regicide；　a　member　of　the　Calf's　Head　Club。　　The　only

COURT　CIRCULAR　story　which　ever　pleased　me；　was　that　of

the　King　of　Spain；　who　in　great　part　was　roasted；　because

there　was　not　time　for　the　Prime　Minister　to　command　the

Lord　Chamberlain　to　desire　the　Grand　Gold　Stick　to　order

the　first　page　in　waiting　to　bid　the　chief　of　the

flunkeys　to　request　the　House…maid　of　Honour　to　bring　up

a　pail　of　water　to　put　his　Majesty　out。



I　am　like　the　Pasha　of　three　tails