the book of snobs-第40章

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J。　has　had　two　glasses；　Mrs。　Grumble　（Jones's　mother…in…

law）　has　had　three；　Jones　himself　has　finished　the　rest；

and　dozes　comfortably　until　bed…time。



And　Brown；　that　old　newspaper…devouring　miscreant；　what

right　has　HE　at　a　club　at　a　decent　hour　of　night？　　He

ought　to　be　playing　his　rubber　with　Miss　MacWhirter；　his

wife；　and　the　family　apothecary。　　His　candle　ought　to　be

brought　to　him　at　ten　o'clock；　and　he　should　retire　to

rest　just　as　the　young　people　were　thinking　of　a　dance。

How　much　finer；　simpler；　nobler　are　the　several

employments　I　have　sketched　out　for　these　gentlemen　than

their　present　nightly　orgies　at　the　horrid　Club。



And；　ladies；　think　of　men　who　do　not　merely　frequent　the

dining…room　and　library；　but　who　use　other　apartments　of

those　horrible　dens　which　it　is　my　purpose　to　batter

down；　think　of　Cannon；　the　wretch；　with　his　coat　off；　at

his　age　and　size；　clattering　the　balls　over　the　billiard…

table　all　night；　and　making　bets　with　that　odious　Captain

Spot！think　of　Pam　in　a　dark　room　with　Bob　Trumper；　Jack

Deuceace；　and　Charley　Vole；　playing；　the　poor　dear

misguided　wretch；　guinea　points　and　five　pounds　on　the

rubber！above　all；　thinkoh；　think　of　that　den　of

abomination；　which；　I　am　told；　has　been　established　in

SOME　clubs；　called　THE　SMOKING…ROOM；think　of　the

debauchees　who　congregate　there；　the　quantities　of

reeking　whisky…punch　or　more　dangerous　sherry…cobbler

which　they　consume；think　of　them　coming　home　at　cock…

crow　and　letting　themselves　into　the　quiet　house　with　the

Chubb　key；　think　of　them；　the　hypocrites；　taking　off

their　insidious　boots　before　they　slink　upstairs；　the

children　sleeping　overhead；　the　wife　of　their　bosom　alone

with　the　waning　rushlight　in　the　two…pair　frontthat

chamber　so　soon　to　be　rendered　hateful　by　the　smell　of

their　stale　cigars：　I　am　not　an　advocate　of　violence；　I

am　not；　by　nature；　of　an　incendiary　turn　of　mind：　but　if；

my　dear　ladies；　you　are　for　assassinating　Mr。　Chubb　and

burning　down　Club…houses　in　St。　James's；　there　is　ONE

Snob　at　who　will　not　think　the　worse　of　you。



The　only　men　who；　as　I　opine；　ought　to　be　allowed　the　use

of　Clubs；　are　married　men　without　a　profession。　　The

continual　presence　of　these　in　a　house　cannot　be

thought；　even　by　the　most　loving　of　wives；　desirable。

Say　the　girls　are　beginning　to　practise　their　music；

which　in　an　honourable　English　family；　ought　to　occupy

every　young　gentlewoman　three　hours；　it　would　be　rather

hard　to　call　upon　poor　papa　to　sit　in　the　drawing…room

all　that　time；　and　listen　to　the　interminable　discords

and　shrieks　which　are　elicited　from　the　miserable　piano

during　the　above　necessary　operation。　　A　man　with　a　good

ear；　especially；　would　go　mad；　if　compelled　daily　to

submit　to　this　horror。



Or　suppose　you　have　a　fancy　to　go　to　the　milliner's；　or

to　Howell　and　James's；　it　is　manifest；　my　dear　Madam；

that　your　husband　is　much　better　at　the　Club　during　these

operations　than　by　your　side　in　the　carriage；　or　perched

in　wonder　upon　one　of　the　stools　at　Shawl　and　Gimcrack's；

whilst　young　counter…dandies　are　displaying　their　wares。



This　sort　of　husbands　should　be　sent　out　after　breakfast；

and　if　not　Members　of　Parliament；　or　Directors　of　a

Railroad；　or　an　Insurance　Company；　should　be　put　into

their　clubs；　and　told　to　remain　there　until　dinner…time。

No　sight　is　more　agreeable　to　my　truly　regulated　mind

than　to　see　the　noble　characters　so　worthily　employed。

Whenever　I　pass　by　St。　James's　Street；　having　the

privilege；　like　the　rest　of　the　world；　of　looking　in　at

the　windows　of　'Blight's；'　or　'Foodle's；'　or　'Snook's；'

or　the　great　bay　at　the　'Contemplative　Club；'　I　behold

with　respectful　appreciation　the　figures　withinthe

honest　rosy　old　fogies；　the　mouldy　old　dandies；　the

waist…belts　and　glossy　wigs　and　tight　cravats　of　those

most　vacuous　and　respectable　men。　　Such　men　are　best

there　during　the　day…time　surely。　　When　you　part　with

them；　dear　ladies；　think　of　the　rapture　consequent　on

their　return。　　You　have　transacted　your　household

affairs；　you　have　made　your　purchases；　you　have　paid　your

visits；　you　have　aired　your　poodle　in　the　Park；　your

French　maid　has　completed　the　toilette　which　renders　you

so　ravishingly　beautiful　by　candlelight；　and　you　are　fit

to　make　home　pleasant　to　him　who　has　been　absent　all　day。



Such　men　surely　ought　to　have　their　Clubs；　and　we　will

not　class　them　among　Club　Snobs　therefore：on　whom　let

us　reserve　our　attack　for　the　next　chapter。







CHAPTER　XXXVIII



CLUB　SNOBS



Such　a　Sensation　has　been　created　in　the　Clubs　by　the

appearance　of　the　last　paper　on　Club　Snobs；　as　can't　but

be　complimentary　to　me　who　am　one　of　their　number。



I　belong　to　many　Clubs。　　The　'Union　Jack；'　the　'Sash　and

Marlin…spike'Military　Clubs。　　'The　True　Blue；'　the　'No

Surrender；'　the　'Blue　and　Buff；'　the　'Guy　Fawkes；'　and

the　'Cato　Street'Political　Clubs。　　'The　Brummel'　and

the　'Regent'Dandy　Clubs。　　The　'Acropolis；'　the

'Palladium；'　the　'Areopagus；'　the　'Pnyx'　the

'Pentelicus；'　the　'Ilissus'　and　the　'Poluphloisboio

Thalasses'Literary　Clubs。　　I　never　could　make　out　how

the　latter　set　of　Clubs　got　their　names；　I　don't　know

Greek　for　one；　and　I　wonder　how　many　other　members　of

those　institutions　do？

Ever　since　the　Club　Snobs　have　been　announced；　I　observe

a　sensation　created　on　my　entrance　into　any　one　of　these

places。　　Members　get　up　and　hustle　together；　they　nod；

they　scowl；　as　they　glance　towards　the　present　Snob。

'Infernal　impudent　jackanapes！　　If　he　shows　me　up；'　says

Colonel　Bludyer；　'I'll　break　every　bone　in　his　skin。'　　'I

told　you　what　would　come　of　admitting　literary　men　into

the　Club；'　says　Ranville　Ranville　to　his　colleague；

Spooney；　of　the　Tape　and　Sealing…Wax　Office。　　'These

people　are　very　well　in　their　proper　places；　and　as　a

public　man；　I　make　a　point　of　shaking　hands　with　them；

and　that　sort　of　thing；　but　to　have　one's　privacy

obtruded　upon　by　such　people　is　really　too　much。　　Come

along；　Spooney；'　and　the　pair　of　prigs　retire

superciliously。



As　I　came　into　the　coffee…room　at　the　'No　Surrender；'　old

Jawkins　was　holding　out　to　a　knot　of　men；　who　were

yawning；　as　usual。　　There　he　stood；　waving　the　STANDARD；

and　swaggering　before　the　fire。　　'What；'　says　he；　'did　I

tell　Peel　last　year？　　If　you　touch　the　Corn　Laws；　you

touch　the　Sugar　Question；　if　you　touch　the　Sugar；　you

touch　the　Tea。　　I　am　no　monopolist。　　I　am　a　liberal　man；

but　I　cannot　forget　that　I　stand　on　the　brink　of　a

precipice；　and　if　were　to　have　Free　Trade；　give　me

reciprocity。　　And　what　was　Sir　Robert　Peel's　answer　to

me？　　〃Mr。　Jawkins；〃　he　said　…'



Here　Jawkins's　eye　suddenly　turning　on　your　humble

servant；　he　stopped　his　sentence；　with　a　guilty　look

his　stale　old　stupid　sentence；　which　every　one　of　us　at

the　Club　has　heard　over　and　over　again。



Jawkins　is　a　most　pertinacious　Club　Snob。　　Every　day　he

is　at　that　fireplace；　holding　that　STANDARD；　of　which　he

reads　up　the　leading…article；　and　pours　it　out　ORE

ROTUNDO；　with　the　most　astonishing　composure；　in　the　face

of　his　neighbour；　who　has　just　read　every　word　of　it　in

the　paper。　　Jawkins　has　money；　as　you　may　see　by　the　tie

of　his　neckcloth。　　He　passes　the　morning　swaggering　about

the　City；　in　bankers'　and　brokers　parlours；　and　says　：

'I　spoke　with　Peel　yesterday；　and　his　intentions　are　so

and　so。　　Graham　and　I　were　talking　over　the　matter；　and　I

pledge　you　my　word　of　honour；　his　opinion　coincides　with

mine；　and　that　What…d'ye…call…um　is　the　only　measure

Government　will　venture　on　trying。'　　By　evening…paper

time　he　is　at　the　Club：　'I　can　tell　you　the　opinion　of

the　City；　my　lord；'　says　he；　'and　the　way　in　which　Jones

Loyd　looks　at　it　is　briefly　this：　Rothschilds　told　me　so

themselves。　　In　Mark　Lane；　people's　minds　are　QUITE　made

up。'　　He　is　considered　rather　a　well…informed　man。



He　lives　in　Belgravia；　of　course；　in　a　drab…coloured

genteel　house；　and