the book of snobs-第36章

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never　goes　to　church　without　John　behind　to　carry　her

prayer…book；　nor　will　Miss　Welbeck；　her　sister；　walk

twenty　yards　a…shopping　without　the　protection　of　Figby；

her　sugar…loaf　page；　though　the　old　lady　is　as　ugly　as

any　woman　in　the　parish　and　as　tall　and　whiskery　as　a

grenadier。　　The　astonishment　is；　how　Emily　Harley　Baker

could　have　stooped　to　marry　Raymond　Gray。　　She；　who　was

the　prettiest　and　proudest　of　the　family；　she；　who

refused　Sir　Cockle　Byles；　of　the　Bengal　Service；　she；　who

turned　up　her　little　nose　at　Essex　Temple；　Q。C。；　and

connected　with　the　noble　house　of　Albyn；　she；　who　had　but

4；000L。　POUR　TOUT　POTAGE；　to　marry　a　man　who　had　scarcely

as　much　more。　　A　scream　of　wrath　and　indignation　was

uttered　by　the　whole　family　when　they　heard　of　this

MESALLIANCE。　　Mrs。　Harley　Baker　never　speaks　of　her

daughter　now　but　with　tears　in　her　eyes；　and　as　a　ruined

creature。　　Miss　Welbeck　says；　'I　consider　that　man　a

villain；'　and　has　denounced　poor　good…natured　Mrs。

Perkins　as　a　swindler；　at　whose　ball　the　young　people　met

for　the　first　time。



Mr。　and　Mrs。　Gray；　meanwhile；　live　in　Gray's　Inn　Lane

aforesaid；　with　a　maid…servant　and　a　nurse；　whose　hands

are　very　full；　and　in　a　most　provoking　and　unnatural

state　of　happiness。　　They　have　never　once　thought　of

crying　about　their　dinner；　like　the　wretchedly　puling　and

Snobbish　womankind　of　my　favourite　Snob　Aubrey；　of　'Ten

Thousand　a　Year；'　but；　on　the　contrary；　accept　such

humble　victuals　as　fate　awards　them　with　a　most　perfect

and　thankful　good　gracenay；　actually　have　a　portion　for

a　hungry　friend　at　timesas　the　present　writer　can

gratefully　testify。



I　was　mentioning　these　dinners；　and　some　admirable　lemon

puddings　which　Mrs。　Gray　makes；　to　our　mutual　friend　the

great　Mr。　Goldmore；　the　East　India　Director；　when　that

gentleman's　face　assumed　an　expression　of　almost

apoplectic　terror；　and　he　gasped　out；　'What！　　Do　they

give　dinners？'　　He　seemed　to　think　it　a　crime　and　a

wonder　that　such　people　should　dine　at　all；　and　that　it

was　their　custom　to　huddle　round　their　kitchen…fire　over

a　bone　and　a　crust。　　Whenever　he　meets　them　in　society；

it　is　a　matter　of　wonder　to　him　（and　he　always　expresses

his　surprise　very　loud）　how　the　lady　can　appear　decently

dressed；　and　the　man　have　an　unpatched　coat　to　his　back。

I　have　heard　him　enlarge　upon　this　poverty　before　the

whole　room　at　the　'Conflagrative　Club；'　to　which　he　and　I

and　Gray　have　the　honour　to　belong。



We　meet　at　the　Club　on　most　days。　　At　half…past　four；

Goldmore　arrives　in　St。　James's　Street；　from　the　City；

and　you　may　see　him　reading　the　evening　papers　in　the

bow…window　of　the　Club；　which　enfilades　Pall　Malla

large　plethoric　man；　with　a　bunch　of　seals　in　a　large

bow…windowed　light　waistcoat。　　He　has　large　coat…tails；

stuffed　with　agents'　letters　and　papers　about　companies

of　which　he　is　a　Director。　　His　seals　jingle　as　he　walks。

I　wish　I　had　such　a　man　for　an　uncle；　and　that　he　himself

were　childless。　　I　would　love　and　cherish　him；　and　be

kind　to　him。



At　six　o'clock　in　the　full　season；　when　all　the　world　is

in　St。　James's　Street；　and　the　carriages　are　cutting　in

and　out　among　the　cabs　on　the　stand；　and　the　tufted

dandies　are　showing　their　listless　faces　out　of

'White's；'　and　you　see　respectable　grey…headed　gentlemen

waggling　their　heads　to　each　other　through　the　plate…

glass　windows　of　'Arthur's：'　and　the　red…coats　wish　to　be

Briareian；　so　as　to　hold　all　the　gentlemen's　horses；　and

that　wonderful　red…coated　royal　porter　is　sunning　himself

before　Marlborough　House；at　the　noon　of　London　time；

you　see　a　light…yellow　carriage　with　black　horses；　and　a

coachman　in　a　tight　floss…silk　wig；　and　two　footmen　in

powder　and　white　and　yellow　liveries；　and　a　large　woman

inside　in　shot…silk；　a　poodle；　and　a　pink　parasol；　which

drives　up　to　the　gate　of　the　Conflagrative；　and　the　page

goes　and　says　to　Mr。　Goldmore　（who　is　perfectly　aware　of

the　fact；　as　he　is　looking　out　of　the　windows　with　about

forty　other

'Conflagrative'　bucks）；　'Your　carriage；　Sir。'　　G。　wags

his　head。　　'Remember；　eight　o'clock　precisely；'　says　he

to　Mulligatawney；　the　other　East　India　Director；　and；

ascending　the　carriage；　plumps　down　by　the　side　of　Mrs。

Goldmore　for　a　drive　in　the　Park；　and　then　home　to

Portland　Place。　　As　the　carriage　whirls　off；　all　the

young　bucks　in　the　Club　feel　a　secret　elation。　　It　is　a

part　of　their　establishment；　as　it　were。　　That　carriage

belongs　to　their　Club；　and　their　Club　belongs　to　them。

They　follow　the　equipage　with　interest；　they　eye　it

knowingly　as　they　see　it　in　the　Park。　　But　halt！　we　are

not　come　to　the　Club　Snobs　yet。　　O　my　brave　Snobs；　what　a

flurry　there　will　be　among　you　when　those　papers　appear！



Well；　you　may　judge；　from　the　above　description；　what

sort　of　a　man　Goldmore　is。　　A　dull　and　pompous　Leadenhall

Street　Croesus；　good…natured　withal；　and　affablecruelly

affable。　　'Mr。　Goldmore　can　never　forget；'　his　lady　used

to　say；　'that　it　was　Mrs。　Gray's　Grandfather　who　sent　him

to　India；　and　though　that　young　woman　has　made　the　most

imprudent　marriage　in　the　world；　and　has　left　her　station

in　society；　her　husband　seems　an　ingenious　and　laborious

young　man；　and　we　shall　do　everything　in　our　power　to　be

of　use　to　him。'　　So　they　used　to　ask　the　Grays　to　dinner

twice　or　thrice　in　a　season；　when；　by　way　of　increasing

the　kindness；　Buff；　the　butler；　is　ordered　to　hire　a　fly

to　convey　them　to　and　from　Portland　Place。



Of　course　I　am　much　too　good…natured　a　friend　of　both

parties　not　to　tell　Gray　of　Goldmore's　opinion　in　him；

and　the　nabob's　astonishment　at　the　of　the　briefless

barrister　having　any　dinner　at　all。　　Indeed；　Goldmore's

saying　became　a　joke　against　Gray　amongst　us　wags　at　the

Club；　and　we　used　to　ask　him　when　he　tasted　meat　last？

whether　we　should　bring　him　home　something　from　dinner？

and　cut　a　thousand　other　mad　pranks　with　him　in　our

facetious　way。



One　day；　then；　coming　home　from　the　Club；　Mr。　Gray

conveyed　to　his　wife　the　astounding　information　that　he

had　asked　Goldmore　to　dinner。



'My　love；'　says　Mrs。　Gray；　in　a　tremor；　'how　could　you　be

so　cruel？　　Why；　the　dining…room　won't　hold　Mrs。

Goldmore。'



'Make　your　mind　easy；　Mrs。　Gray；　her　ladyship　is　in

Paris。　　It　is　only　Croesus　that's　coming；　and　we　are

going　to　the　play　afterwardsto　Sadler's　Wells。

Goldmore　said　at　the　Club　that　he　thought　Shakspeare　was

a　great　dramatic　poet；　and　ought　to　be　patronized；

whereupon；　fired　with　enthusiasm；　I　invited　him　to　our

banquet。'



'Goodness　gracious！　what　CAN　we　give　him　for　dinner？　　He

has　two　French　cooks；　you　know　Mrs。　Goldmore　is　always

telling　us　about　them；　and　he　dines　with　Aldermen　every

day。'



'〃A　plain　leg　of　mutton；　my　Lucy；

I　prythee　get　ready　at　three；

Have　it　tender；　and　smoking；　and　juicy；

And　what　better　meat　can　there　be？〃'



says　Gray；　quoting　my　favourite　poet。



'But　the　cook　is　ill；　and　you　know　that　horrible　Pattypan

the　pastrycook's　…'



'Silence；　Frau！'　says　Gray；　in　a　deep　tragedy　voice。　　'I

will　have　the　ordering　of　this　repast。　　Do　all　things　as

I　bid　thee。　　Invite　our　friend　Snob　here　to　partake　of

the　feast。　　Be　mine　the　task　of　procuring　it。'



'Don't　be　expensive；　Raymond；'　says　his　wife。



'Peace；　thou　timid　partner　of　the　briefless　one。

Goldmore's　dinner　shall　be　suited　to　our　narrow　means。

Only　do　thou　in　all　things　my　commands。'　　And　seeing　by

the　peculiar　expression　of　the　rogue's　countenance；　that

some　mad　waggery　was　in　preparation；　I　awaited　the　morrow

with　anxiety。







CHAPTER　XXXV



SNOBS　AND　MARRIAGE



Punctual　to　the　hour（by　the　way；　I　cannot　omit　to　mark

down　my　hatred；　scorn；　and　indignation　towards　those

miserable　Snobs　who　come　to　dinner　at　nine　when　they　are

asked　at　eight；　in　order　to　make　a　sensation　in　the

company。　　May　the　loathing　of　honest　folks；　the

backbiting　of　others；　the　curses　of　cooks；　p