the book of snobs-第35章

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myself　with　the　sword　and　spear；　and　taking　leave　of　my

family；　go　forth　to　do　battle　with　that　hideous　ogre　and

giant；　that　brutal　despot　in　Snob　Castle；　who　holds　so

many　gentle　hearts　in　torture　and　thrall。



When　PUNCH　is　king；　I　declare　there　shall　be　no　such

thing　as　old　maids　and　old　bachelors。　　The　Reverend　Mr。

Malthus　shall　be　burned　annually；　instead　of　Guy　Fawkes。

Those　who　don't　marry　shall　go　into　the　workhouse。　　It

shall　be　a　sin　for　the　poorest　not　to　have　a　pretty　girl

to　love　him。



The　above　reflections　came　to　mind　after　taking　a　walk

with　an　old　comrade；　Jack　Spiggot　by　name；　who　is　just

passing　into　the　state　of　old…bachelorhood；　after　the

manly　and　blooming　youth　in　which　I　remember　him。　　Jack

was　one　of　the　handsomest　fellows　in　England　when　we

entered　together　in　the　Highland　Buffs；　but　I　quitted　the

Cuttykilts　early；　and　lost　sight　of　him　for　many　years。



Ah！　how　changed　he　is　from　those　days！　　He　wears　a

waistband　now；　and　has　begun　to　dye　his　whiskers。　　His

cheeks；　which　were　red；　are　now　mottled；　his　eyes；　once

so　bright　and　steadfast；　are　the　colour　of　peeled

plovers'　eggs。



'Are　you　married；　Jack？'　says　I；　remembering　how

consumedly　in　love　he　was　with　his　cousin　Letty　Lovelace；

when　the　Cuttykilts　were　quartered　at　Strathbungo　some

twenty　years　ago。



'Married？　no；'　says　he。　　'Not　money　enough。　　Hard　enough

to　keep　myself；　much　more　a　family；　on　five　hundred　a

year。　　Come　to　Dickinson's；　there's　some　of　the　best

Madeira　in　London　there；　my　boy。'　　So　we　went　and　talked

over　old　times。　　The　bill　for　dinner　and　wine　consumed

was　prodigious；　and　the　quantity　of　brandy…and…water　that

Jack　took　showed　what　a　regular　boozer　he　was。　　'A　guinea

or　two　guineas。　　What　the　devil　do　I　care　what　I　spend

for　my　dinner？'　says　he。



'And　Letty　Lovelace？'　says　I。



Jack's　countenance　fell。　　However；　he　burst　into　a　loud

laugh　presently。　　'Letty　Lovelace！'　says　he。　　'She's

Letty　Lovelace　still；　but　Gad；　such　a　wizened　old　woman！

She's　as　thin　as　a　thread…paper；　（you　remember　what　a

figure　she　had：）　her　nose　has　got　red；　and　her　teeth

blue。　　She's　always　ill；　always　quarrelling　with　the　rest

of　the　family；　always　psalm…singing；　and　always　taking

pills。　　Gad；　I　had　a　rare　escape　THERE。　　Push　round　the

grog；　old　boy。'



Straightway　memory　went　back　to　the　days　when　Letty　was

the　loveliest　of　blooming　young　creatures：　when　to　hear

her　sing　was　to　make　the　heart　jump　into　your　throat；

when　to　see　her　dance；　was　better　than　Montessu　or　Noblet

（they　were　the　Ballet　Queens　of　those　days）；　when　Jack

used　to　wear　a　locket　of　her　hair；　with　a　little　gold

chain　round　his　neck；　and；　exhilarated　with　toddy；　after

a　sederunt　of　the　Cuttykilt　mess；　used　to　pull　out　this

token；　and　kiss　it；　and　howl　about　it；　to　the　great

amusement　of　the　bottle…nosed　old　Major　and　the　rest　of

the　table。



'My　father　and　hers　couldn't　put　their　horses　together；'

Jack　said。　　'The　General　wouldn't　come　down　with　more

than　six　thousand。　　My　governor　said　it　shouldn't　be　done

under　eight。　　Lovelace　told　him　to　go　and　be　hanged；　and

so　we　parted　company。　　They　said　she　was　in　a　decline。

Gammon！　　She's　forty；　and　as　tough　and　as　sour　as　this

bit　of　lemon…peel。　　Don't　put　much　into　your　punch；　Snob

my　boy。　　No　man　CAN　stand　punch　after　wine。'



'And　what　are　your　pursuits；　Jack？'　says　I。



'Sold　out　when　the　governor　died。　　Mother　lives　at　Bath。

Go　down　there　once　a　year　for　a　week。　　Dreadful　slow。

Shilling　whist。　　Four　sisters　all　unmarried　except　the

youngestawful　work。　　Scotland　in　August。　　Italy　in　the

winter。　　Cursed　rheumatism。　　Come　to　London　in　March；　and

toddle　about　at　the　Club；　old　boy；　and　we　won't　go　home

till　maw…aw…rning　till　daylight　does　appear。



'And　here's　the　wreck　of　two　lives！'　mused　the　present

Snobographer；　after　taking　leave　of　Jack　Spiggot。

'Pretty　merry　Letty　Lovelace's　rudder　lost　and　she　cast

away；　and　handsome　Jack　Spiggot　stranded　on　the　shore

like　a　drunken　Trinculo。'



What　was　it　that　insulted　Nature　（to　use　no　higher　name）；

and　perverted　her　kindly　intentions　towards　them？　　What

cursed　frost　was　it　that　nipped　the　love　that　both　were

bearing；　and　condemned　the　girl　to　sour　sterility；　and

the　lad　to　selfish　old…bachelorhood？　　It　was　the　infernal

Snob　tyrant　who　governs　us　all；　who

says；　'Thou　shalt　not　love　without　a　lady's　maid；　thou

shalt　not　marry　without　a　carriage　and　horses；　thou　shalt

have　no　wife　in　thy　heart；　and　no　children　on　thy　knee；

without　a　page　in　buttons　and　a　French　BONNE；　thou　shalt

go　to　the　devil　unless　thou　hast　a　brougham；　marry　poor；

and　society　shall　forsake　thee；　thy　kinsmen　shall　avoid

thee　as　a　criminal；　thy　aunts　and　uncles　shall　turn　up

their　eyes　and　bemoan　the　sad；　sad　manner　in　which　Tom　or

Harry　has　thrown　himself　away。'　　You；　young　woman；　may

sell　yourself　without　shame；　and　marry　old　Croesus；　you；

young　man；　may　lie　away　your　heart　and　your　life　for　a

jointure。　　But　if　'you　are　poor；　woe　be　to　you！　　Society；

the　brutal　Snob　autocrat；　consigns　you　to　solitary

perdition。　　Wither；　poor　girl；　in　your　garret；　rot；　poor

bachelor；　in　your　Club。



When　I　see　those　graceless　reclusesthose　unnatural

monks　and　nuns　of　the　order　of　St。　Beelzebub；　（1）　my

hatred　for　Snobs；　and　their　worship；　and　their　idols；

passes　all　continence。　　Let　us　hew　down　that　man…eating

Juggernaut；　I　say；　that　hideous　Dagon；　and　I　glow　with

the　heroic　courage　of　Tom　Thumb；　and　join　battle　with　the

giant　Snob。



（1）　This；　of　course；　is　understood　to　apply　only　to　those

unmarried　persons　whom　a　mean　and　Snobbish　fear　about

money　has　kept　from　fulfilling　their　natural　destiny。

Many　persons　there　are　devoted　to　celibacy　because　they

cannot　help　it。　　Of　these　a　man　would　be　a　brute　who

spoke　roughly。　　Indeed；　after　Miss　O'Toole's　conduct　to

the　writer；　he　would　be　the　last　to　condemn。　　But　never

mind；　these　are　personal　matters。







CHAPTER　XXXIV



SNOBS　AND　MARRIAGE



In　that　noble　romance　called　'Ten　Thousand　a　Year；'　I

remember　a　profoundly　pathetic　description　of　the

Christian　manner　in　which　the　hero；　Mr。　Aubrey；　bore　his

misfortunes。　　After　making　a　display　of　the　most　florid

and　grandiloquent　resignation；　and　quitting　his　country

mansion；　the　writer　supposes　Aubrey　to　come　to　town　in　a

post…chaise　and　pair；　sitting　bodkin　probably　between　his

wife　and　sister。　　It　is　about　seven　o'clock；　carriages

are　rattling　about；　knockers　are　thundering；　and　tears

bedim　the　fine　eyes　of　Kate　and　Mrs。　Aubrey　as　they　think

that　in　happier　times　at　this　hourtheir　Aubrey　used

formerly　to　go　out　to　dinner　to　the　houses　of　the

aristocracy　his　friends。　　This　is　the　gist　of　the

passagethe　elegant　words　I　forget。　　But　the　noble；

noble　sentiment　I　shall　always　cherish　and　remember。

What　can　be　more　sublime　than　the　notion　of　a　great　man's

relatives　in　tears　about　…his　dinner？　　With　a　few

touches；　what　author　ever　more　happily　described　A　Snob？



We　were　reading　the　passage　lately　at　the　house　of　my

friend；　Raymond　Gray；　Esquire；　Barrister…at…Law；　an

ingenuous　youth　without　the　least　practice；　but　who　has

luckily　a　great　share　of　good　spirits；　which　enables　him

to　bide　his　time；　and　bear　laughingly　his　humble　position

in　the　world。　　Meanwhile；　until　it　is　altered；　the　stern

laws　of　necessity　and　the　expenses　of　the　Northern

Circuit　oblige　Mr。　Gray　to　live　in　a　very　tiny　mansion　in

a　very　queer　small　square　in　the　airy　neighbourhood　of

Gray's　Inn　Lane。



What　is　the　more　remarkable　is；　that　Gray　has　a　wife

there。　　Mrs。　Gray　was　a　Miss　Harley　Baker：　and　I　suppose

I　need　not　say　THAT　is　a　respectable　family。　　Allied　to

the　Cavendishes；　the　Oxfords；　the　Marrybones；　they　still；

though　rather　DECHUS　from　their　original　splendour；　hold

their　heads　as　high　as　any。　　Mrs。　Harley　Baker；　I　know；

never　goes　to　church　without　John　behind　to　carry　her

prayer…book；　nor　will　Mis