the book of snobs-第34章

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London。　　How　would　you　account　for　the　prodigious

benevolence　exercised　towards　the　interesting　young

French　lady？　　Was　it　her　jetty　ringlets　or　her　charming

face？Bah！　　Do　ladies　love　others　for　having　faces　and

black　hair？she　said　SHE　WAS　A　RELATION　OF　de　Saugrenue：

talked　of　her　ladyship　her　aunt；　and　of　herself　as　a　De

Saugrenue。　　The　honest　boarding…house　people　were　at　her

feet　at　once。　　Good；　honest；　simple；　lord…loving　children

of　Snobland。



Finally；　there　was　the　case　of　'the　Right　Honourable　Mr。

Vernon；'　at　York。　　The　Right　Honourable　was　the　son　of　a

nobleman；　and　practised　on　an　old　lady。　　He　procured　from

her　dinners；　money；　wearing…apparel；　spoons；　implicit

credence；　and　an　entire　refit　of　linen。　　Then　he　cast　his

nets　over　a　family　of　father；　mother；　and　daughters；　one

of　whom　he　proposed　to　marry。　　The　father　lent　him　money；

the　mother　made　jams　and　pickles　for　him；　the　daughters

vied　with　each　other　in　cooking　dinners　for　the　Right

Honourableand　what　was　the　end？　　One　day　the　traitor

fled；　with　a　teapot　and　a　basketful　of　cold　victuals。　　It

was　the　'Right　Honourable'　which　baited　the　hook　which

gorged　all　these　greedy；　simple　Snobs。　　Would　they　have

been　taken　in　by　a　commoner？　　What　old　lady　is　there；　my

dear　sir；　who　would　take　in　you　and　me；　were　we　ever　so

ill　to　do；　and　comfort　us；　and　clothe　us；　and　give　us　her

money；　and　her　silver　forks？　　Alas　and　alas！　what　mortal

man　that　speaks　the　truth　can　hope　for　such　a　landlady？

And　yet；　all　these　instances　of　fond　and　credulous

Snobbishness　have　occurred　in　the　same　week's　paper；　with

who　knows　how　many　score　more？



Just　as　we　had　concluded　the　above　remarks　comes　a　pretty

little　note　sealed　with　a　pretty　little　butterfly

bearing　a　northern　postmarkand　to　the　following

effect：…



'19th　November。



'Mr。　Punch；'Taking　great　interest　in　your　Snob　Papers；

we　are　very　anxious　to　know　under　what　class　of　that

respectable　fraternity　you　would　designate　us。



'We　are　three　sisters；　from　seventeen　to　twenty…two。　　Our

father　is　HONESTLY　AND　TRULY　of　a　very　good　family　（you

will　say　it　is　Snobbish　to　mention　that；　but　I　wish　to

state　the　plain　fact）；　our　maternal　grandfather　was　an

Earl。'　（1）



'We　CAN　afford　to　take　in　a　stamped　edition　of　YOU；　and

all　Dickens'　works　as　fast　as　they　come　out；　but　we　do

NOT　keep　such　a　thing　as　a　PEERAGE　or　even　a　BARONETAGE

in　the　house。



'We　live　with　every　comfort；　excellent　cellar；　&c。　&c。；

but　as　we　cannot　well　afford　a　butler；　we　have　a　neat

table…maid　（though　our　father　was　a　military　man；　has

travelled　much；　been　in　the　best　society；　&c。）　　We　HAVE　a

coachman　and　helper；　but　we　don't　put　the　latter　into

buttons；　nor　make　them　wait　at　table；　like　Stripes　and

Tummus。'　（2）



'We　are　just　the　same　to　persons　with　a　handle　to　their

name　as　to　those　without　it。　　We　wear　a　moderate　modicum

of　crinoline；　（3）and　are　never　limp　（4）　in　the　morning。

We　have　good　and　abundant　dinners　on　CHINA　（though　we

have　plate　（5）；　and　just　as　good　when　alone　as　with

company。



'Now；　my　dear　MR。　PUNCH；　will　you　PLEASE　give　us　a　short

answer　in　your　next　number；　and　I　will　be　SO　much　obliged

to　you。　　Nobody　knows　we　are　writing　to　you；　not　even　our

father；　nor　will　we　ever　tease　（6）　you　again　if　you　will

only　give　us　an　answerjust　for　FUN；　now　do！



'If　you　get　as　far　as　this；　which　is　doubtful；　you　will

probably　fling　it　into　the　fire。　　If　you　do；　I　cannot

help　it；　but　I　am　of　a　sanguine　disposition；　and

entertain　a　lingering　hope。　　At　all　events；　I　shall　be

impatient　for　next　Sunday；　for　you　reach　us　on　that　day；

and　I　am　ashamed　to　confess；　we　CANNOT　resist　opening　you

in　the　carriage　driving　home　from　church。　（7）



'I　remain；　&c。　&c。；　for　myself　and　sisters。



Excuse　this　scrawl；　but　I　always　write　headlong。　（8）



'P。　S。You　were　rather　stupid　last　week；　don't　you

think？　（9）　　We　keep　no　gamekeeper；　and　yet　have　always

abundant　game　for　friends　to　shoot；　in　spite　of　the

poachers。　　We　never　write　on　perfumed　paperin　short；　I

can't　help　thinking　that　if　you　knew　us　you　would　not

think　us　Snobs。'



To　this　I　reply　in　the　following　manner：'My　dear　young

ladies；　I　know　your　post…town：　and　shall　be　at　church

there　the　Sunday　AFTER　next；　when；　will　you　please　to

wear　a　tulip　or　some　little　trifle　in　your　bonnets；　so

that　I　may　know　you？　　You　will　recognize　me　and　my　dress…

…a　quiet…looking　young　fellow；　in　a　white　top…coat；　a

crimson　satin　neckcloth；　light　blue　trousers；　with　glossy

tipped　boots；　and　an　emerald　breast…pin。　　I　shall　have　a

black　crape　round　my　white　hat；　and　my　usual　bamboo　cane

with　the　richly…gilt　knob。　　I　am　sorry　there　will　be　no

time　to　get　up　moustaches　between　now　and　next　week。



'From　seventeen　to　two…and…twenty！　　Ye　gods！　what　ages！

Dear　young　creatures；　I　can　see　you　all　three。　　Seventeen

suits　me；　as　nearest　my　own　time　of　life；　but　mind；　I

don't　say　two…and…twenty　is　too　old。　　No；　no。　　And　that

pretty；　roguish；　demure；　middle　one。　　Peace；　peace；　thou

silly　little　fluttering　heart！



'YOU　Snobs；　dear　young　ladies！　　I　will　pull　any　man's

nose　who　says　so。　　There　is　no　harm　in　being　of　a　good

family。　　You　can't　help　it；　poor　dears。　　What's　in　a

name？　　What　is　in　a　handle　to　it？　　I　confess　openly　that

I　should　not　object　to　being　a　Duke　myself；　and　between

ourselves　you　might　see　a　worse　leg　for　a　garter。



'YOU　Snobs；　dear　little　good…natured　things；　no　that　is；

I　hope　notI　think　notI　won't　be　too　confidentnone

of　us　should　bethat　we　are　not　Snobs。　　That　very

confidence　savours　of　arrogance；　and　to　be　arrogant　is　to

be　a　Snob。　　In　all　the　social　gradations　from　sneak　to

tyrant；　nature　has　placed　a　most　wondrous　and　various

progeny　of　Snobs。　　But　are　there　no　kindly　natures；　no

tender　hearts；　no　souls　humble；　simple；　and　truth…loving？

Ponder　well　on　this　question；　sweet　young　ladies。　　And　if

you　can　answer　it；　as　no　doubt　you　canlucky　are　you

and　lucky　the　respected　Herr　Papa；　and　lucky　the　three

handsome　young　gentlemen　who　are　about　to　become　each

others'　brothers…in…law。'





（1）　The　introduction　of　Grandpapa；　is　I　fear；　Snobbish。



（2）　That　is；　as　you　like。　　I　don't　object　to　buttons　in

moderation。



（3）　Quite　right。



（4）　Bless　you！



（5）　Snobbish；　and　I　doubt　whether　you　ought　to　dine　as

well　alone　as　with　company。　　You　will　be　getting　too　good

dinners。



（6）　We　like　to　be　teased；　but　tell　Papa。



（7）　O　garters　and　stars！　what　will　Captain　Gordon　and

Exeter　Hall　say　to　this？



（8）　Dear　little　enthusiast！



（9）　You　were　never　more　mistaken；　miss；　in　your　life。







CHAPTER　XXXIII



SNOBS　AND　MARRIAGE



Everybody　of　the　middle　rank　who　walks　through　this　life

with　a　sympathy　for　his　companions　on　the　same　journey

at　any　rate；　every　man　who　has　been　jostling　in　the　world

for　some　three　or　four　lustresmust　make　no　end　of

melancholy　reflections　upon　the　fate　of　those　victims

whom　Society；　that　is；　Snobbishness；　is　immolating　every

day。　　With　love　and　simplicity　and　natural　kindness

Snobbishness　is　perpetually　at　war。　　People　dare　not　be

happy　for　fear　of　Snobs。　　People　dare　not　love　for　fear

of　Snobs。　　People　pine　away　lonely　under　the　tyranny　of

Snobs。　　Honest　kindly　hearts　dry　up　and　die。　　Gallant

generous　lads；　blooming　with　hearty　youth；　swell　into

bloated　old…bachelorhood；　and　burst　and　tumble　over。

Tender　girls　wither　into　shrunken　decay；　and　perish

solitary；　from　whom　Snobbishness　has　cut　off　the　common

claim　to　happiness　and　affection　with　which　Nature

endowed　us　all。　　My　heart　grows　sad　as　I　see　the

blundering　tyrant's　handiwork。　　As　I　behold　it　I　swell

with　cheap　rage；　and　glow　with　fury　against　the　Snob。

Come　down；　I　say；　thou　skulking　dulness！　　Come　down；　thou

stupid　bully；　and　give　up　thy　brutal　ghost！　　And　I　arm

myself　with　the　sword　and　spear；　and　taking　leave　of　my

family；　go　forth　to　do　battle　with　that　hideou