the book of snobs-第32章

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to　make　himself　comfortable　elsewhere。



The　great　Ponto　party　was　a　very　august　one。　　The

Hawbucks　came　in　their　family　coach；　with　the　blood…red

band　emblazoned　all　over　it：　and　their　man　in　yellow

livery　waited　in　country　fashion　at　table；　only　to　be

exceeded　in　splendour　by　the　Hipsleys；　the　opposition

baronet；　in　light　blue。　　The　old　Ladies　Fitzague　drove

over　in　their　little　old　chariot　with　the　fat　black

horses；　the　fat　coachman；　the　fat　footman（why　are

dowagers'　horses　and　footmen　always　fat？）　　And　soon　after

these　personages　had　arrived；　with　their　auburn　fronts

and　red　beaks　and　turbans；　came　the　Honourable　and

Reverend　Lionel　Pettipois；　who　with　General　and　Mrs。　Sago

formed　the　rest　of　the　party。　　'Lord　and　Lady　Frederick

Howlet　were　asked；　but　they　have　friends　at　Ivybush；'

Mrs。　Ponto　told　me；　and　that　very　morning；　the

Castlehaggards　sent　an　excuse；　as　her　ladyship　had　a

return　of　the　quinsy。　　Between　ourselves；　Lady

Castlehaggard's　quinsy　always　comes　on　when　there　is

dinner　at　the　Evergreens。



If　the　keeping　of　polite　company　could　make　a　woman

happy；　surely　my　kind　hostess　Mrs。　Ponto　was　on　that　day

a　happy　woman。　　Every　person　present　（except　the　unlucky

impostor　who　pretended　to　a　connexion　with　the

Snobbington　Family；　and　General　Sago；　who　had　brought

home　I　don't　know　how　many　lacs　of　rupees　from　India；）

was　related　to　the　Peerage　or　the　Baronetage。　　　Mrs。　P。

had　her　heart's　desire。　　If　she　had　been　an　Earl's

daughter　herself　could　she　have　expected　better　company？…

…and　her　family　were　in　the　oil…trade　at　Bristol；　as　all

her　friends　very　well　know。



What　I　complained　of　in　my　heart　was　not　the　dining

which；　for　this　once；　was　plentiful　and　comfortable

enoughbut　the　prodigious　dulness　of　the　talking　part　of

the　entertainment。　　O　my　beloved　brother　Snobs　of　the

City；　if　we　love　each　other　no　better　than　our　country

brethren；　at　least　we　amuse　each　other　more；　if　we　bore

ourselves；　we　are　not　called　upon　to　go　ten　miles　to　do

it！



For　instance；　the　Hipsleys　came　ten　miles　from　the　south；

and　the　Hawbucks　ten　miles　from　the　north；　of　the

Evergreens；　and　were　magnates　in　two　different　divisions

of　the　county　of　Mangelwurzelshire。　　Hipsley；　who　is　an

old　baronet；　with　a　bothered　estate；　did　not　care　to　show

his　contempt　for　Hawbuck；　who　is　a　new　creation；　and

rich。　　Hawbuck；　on　his　part；　gives　himself　patronizing

airs　to　General　Sago；　who　looks　upon　the　Pontos　as　little

better　than　paupers。　　'Old　Lady　Blanche；'　says　Ponto；　'I

hope　will　leave　something　to　her　god…daughtermy　second

girlwe've　all　of　us　half…poisoned　ourselves　with　taking

her　physic。'



Lady　Blanche　and　Lady　Rose　Fitzague　have；　the　first；　a

medical；　and　the　second　a　literary　turn。　　I　am　inclined

to　believe　the　former　had　a　wet　COMPRESSE　around　her

body；　on　the　occasion　when　I　had　the　happiness　of　meeting

her。　　She　doctors　everybody　in　the　neighbourhood　of　which

she　is　the　ornament；　and　has　tried　everything　on　her　own

person。　　She　went　into　Court；　and　testified　publicly　her

faith　in　St。　John　Long：　she　swore　by　Doctor　Buchan；　she

took　quantities　of　Gambouge's　Universal　Medicine；　and

whole　boxfuls　of　Parr's　Life　Pills。　　She　has　cured　a

multiplicity　of　headaches　by　Squinstone's　Eye…snuff；　she

wears　a　picture　of　Hahnemann　in　her　bracelet　and　a　lock

of　Priessnitz's　hair　in　a　brooch。　　She　talked　about　her

own　complaints　and　those　of　her　CONFIDANTE　for　the　time

being；　to　every　lady　in　the　room　successively；　from　our

hostess　down　to　Miss　Wirt；　taking　them　into　corners；　and

whispering　about　bronchitis；　hepatitis；　St。　Vitus；

neuralgia；　cephalalgia；　and　so　forth。　　I　observed　poor

fat　Lady　Hawbuck　in　a　dreadful　alarm　after　some

communication　regarding　the　state　of　her　daughter　Miss

Lucy　Hawbuck's　health；　and　Mrs。　Sago　turned　quite　yellow；

and　put　down　her　third　glass　of　Madeira；　at　a　warning

glance　from　Lady　Blanche。



Lady　Rose　talked　literature；　and　about　the　book…club　at

Guttlebury；　and　is　very　strong　in　voyages　and　travels。

She　has　a　prodigious　interest　in　Borneo；　and　displayed　a

knowledge　of　the　history　of　the　Punjaub　and　Kaffirland

that　does　credit　to　her　memory。　　Old　General　Sago；　who

sat　perfectly　silent　and　plethoric；　roused　up　as　from　a

lethargy　when　the　former　country　was　mentioned；　and　gave

the　company　his　story　about　a　hog…hunt　at　Ramjugger。　　I

observed　her　ladyship　treated　with　something　like

contempt　her　neighbour　the　Reverend　Lionel　Pettipois；　a

young　divine　whom　you　may　track　through　the　country　by

little　'awakening'　books　at　half…a…crown　a　hundred；　which

dribble　out　of　his　pockets　wherever　he　goes。　　I　saw　him

give　Miss　Wirt　a　sheaf　of　'The　Little　Washer…woman　on

Putney　Common；'　and　to　Miss　Hawbuck　a　couple　of　dozen　of

'Meat　in　the　Tray；　or　the　Young　Butcher…boy　Rescued；'　and

on　paying　a　visit　to　Guttlebury　gaol；　I　saw　two　notorious

fellows　waiting　their　trial　there　（and　temporarily

occupied　with　a　game　of　cribbage）；　to　whom　his　Reverence

offered　a　tract　as　he　was　walking　over　Crackshins　Common；

and　who　robbed　him　of　his　purse；　umbrella；　and　cambric

handkerchief；　leaving　him　the　tracts　to　distribute

elsewhere。







CHAPTER　XXXI



A　VISIT　TO　SOME　COUNTRY　SNOBS



'Why；　dear　Mr。　Snob；'　said　a　young　lady　of　rank　and

fashion　（to　whom　I　present　my　best　compliments）；　'if　you

found　everything　so　SNOBBISH　at　the　Evergreens；　if　the

pig　bored　you　and　the　mutton　was　not　to　your　liking；　and

Mrs。　Ponto　was　a　humbug；　and　Miss　Wirt　a　nuisance；　with

her　abominable　piano　practice；why　did　you　stay　so

long？'



Ah；　Miss；　what　a　question！　　Have　you　never　heard　of

gallant　British　soldiers　storming　batteries；　of　doctors

passing　nights　in　plague　wards　of　lazarettos；　and　other

instances　of　martyrdom？　　What　do　you　suppose　induced

gentlemen　to　walk　two　miles　up　to　the　batteries　of

Sabroan；　with　a　hundred　and　fifty　thundering　guns　bowling

them　down　by　hundreds？not　pleasure；　surely。　　What

causes　your　respected　father　to　quit　his　comfortable　home

for　his　chambers；　after　dinner；　and　pore　over　the　most

dreary　law　papers　until　long　past　midnight？；

Mademoiselle；　duty；　which　must　be　done　alike　by　military；

or　legal；　or　literary　gents。　　There's　a　power　of

martyrdom　in　our　profession。



You　won't　believe　it？　　Your　rosy　lips　assume　a　smile　of

incredulitya　most　naughty　and　odious　expression　in　a

young　lady's　face。　　Well；　then；　the　fact　is；　that　my

chambers；　No。　24；　Pump　Court；　Temple；　were　being　painted

by　the　Honourable　Society；　and　Mrs。　Slamkin；　my

laundress；　having　occasion　to　go　into　Durham　to　see　her

daughter；　who　is　married；　and　has　presented　her　with　the

sweetest　little　grandsona　few　weeks　could　not　be　better

spent　than　in　rusticating。　　But　ah；　how　delightful　Pump

Court　looked　when　I　revisited　its　well…known　chimney…

pots！　　CARI　LUOGHI。　　Welcome；　welcome；　O　fog　and　smut！



But　if　you　think　there　is　no　moral　in　the　foregoing

account　of　the　Pontine　family；　you　are；　Madam；　most

painfully　mistaken。　　In　this　very　chapter　we　are　going　to

have　the　moralwhy；　the　whole　of　the　papers　are　nothing

BUT　the　moral；　setting　forth　as　they　do　the　folly　of

being　a　Snob。



You　will　remark　that　in　the　Country　Snobography　my　poor

friend　Ponto　has　been　held　up　almost　exclusively　for　the

public　gazeand　why？　　Because　we　went　to　no　other　house？

Because　other　families　did　not　welcome　us　to　their

mahogany？　　No；　no。　　Sir　John　Hawbuck　of　the　Haws；　Sir

John　Hipsley　of　Briary　Hall；　don't　shut　the　gates　of

hospitality：　of　General　Sago's　mulligatawny　I　could　speak

from　experience。　　And　the　two　old　ladies　at　Guttlebury；

were　they　nothing？　　Do　you　suppose　that　an　agreeable

young　dog；　who　shall　be　nameless；　would　not　be　made

welcome？　　Don't　you　know　that　people　are　too　glad　to　see

ANYBODY　in　the　country？



But　those　dignified　personages　do　not　enter　into　the

scheme　of　the　present　work；　and　are　but　minor　characters

of　our　Snob　drama；　just　as；　i