the book of snobs-第3章

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summer…house　on　the　Bosphorus。



When　it　came　to　my　turn；　I　took　down　the　condiment　with　a

smile；　said　'Bismillah；'　licked　my　lips　with　easy

gratification；　and　when　the　next　dish　was　served；　made　up

a　ball　myself　so　dexterously；　and　popped　it　down　the　old

Galeongee's　mouth　with　so　much　grace；　that　his　heart　was

won。　　Russia　was　put　out　of　court　at　once　and　THE　TREATY

of　Kabobanople　WAS　SIGNED。　　As　for　Diddloff；　all　was　over

with　HIM：　he　was　recalled　to　St。　Petersburg；　and　Sir

Roderick　Murchison　saw　him；　under　the　No。　3967；　working

in　the　Ural　mines。



The　moral　of　this　tale；　I　need　not　say；　is；　that　there

are　many　disagreeable　things　in　society　which　you　are

bound　to　take　down；　and　to　do　so　with　a　smiling　face。







CHAPTER　II



THE　SNOB　ROYAL



Long　since　at　the　commencement　of　the　reign　of　her

present　Gracious　Majesty；　it　chanced　'on　a　fair　summer

evening；'　as　Mr。　James　would　say；　that　three　or　four

young　cavaliers　were　drinking　a　cup　of　wine　after　dinner

at　the　hostelry　called　the　'King's　Arms；'　kept　by

Mistress　Anderson；　in　the　royal　village　of　Kensington。

'Twas　a　balmy　evening；　and　the　wayfarers　looked　out　on　a

cheerful　scene。　　The　tall　elms　of　the　ancient　gardens

were　in　full　leaf；　and　countless　chariots　of　the　nobility

of　England　whirled　by　to　the　neighbouring　palace；　where

princely　Sussex　（whose　income　latterly　only　allowed　him

to　give　tea…parties）　entertained　his　royal　niece　at　a

state　banquet。　　When　the　caroches　of　the　nobles　had　set

down　their　owners　at　the　banquethall；　their　varlets　and

servitors　came　to　quaff　a　flagon　of　nut…brown　ale　in　the

'King's　Arms'　gardens　hard　by。　　We　watched　these　fellows

from　our　lattice。　　By　Saint　Boniface　'twas　a　rare　sight！



The　tulips　in　Mynheer　Van　Dunck's　gardens　were　not　more

gorgeous　than　the　liveries　of　these　pie…coated　retainers。

All　the　flowers　of　the　field　bloomed　in　their　ruffled

bosoms；　all　the　hues　of　the　rainbow　gleamed　in　their

plush　breeches；　and　the　long…caned　ones　walked　up　and

down　the　garden　with　that　charming　solemnity；　that

delightfull　quivering　swagger　of　the　calves；　which　has

always　had　a　frantic　fascination　for　us。　　The　walk　was

not　wide　enough　for　them　as　the　shoulder…knots　strutted

up　and　down　it　in　canary；　and　crimson；　and　light　blue。



Suddenly；　in　the　midst　of　their　pride；　a　little　bell　was

rung；　a　side　door　opened；　and　（after　setting　down　their

Royal　Mistress）　her　Majesty's　own　crimson　footmen；　with

epaulets　and　black　plushes；　came　in。



It　was　pitiable　to　see　the　other　poor　Johns　slink　off　at

this　arrival！　　Not　one　of　the　honest　private　Plushes

could　stand　up　before　the　Royal　Flunkeys。　　They　left　the

walk：　they　sneaked　into　dark　holes　and　drank　tbeir　beer

in　silence。　　The　Royal　Plush　kept　possession　of　the

garden　until　the　Royal　Plush　dinner　was　announced；　when

it　retired；　and　we　heard　from　the　pavilion　where　they

dined；　conservative　cheers；　and　speeches；　and　Kentish

fires。　　The　other　Flunkeys　we　never　saw　more。



My　dear　Flunkeys；　so　absurdly　conceited　at　one　moment　and

so　abject　at　the　next；　are　but　the　types　of　their　masters

in　this　world。　　HE　WHO　MEANLY　ADMIRES　MEAN　THINGS　IS　A

SNOBperhaps　that　is　a　safe　definition　of　the　character。



And　this　is　why　I　have；　with　the　utmost　respect；　ventured

to　place　The　Snob　Royal　at　the　head　of　my　list；　causing

all　others　to　give　way　before　him；　as　the　Flunkeys　before

the　royal　representative　in　Kensington　Gardens。　　To　say

of　such　and　such　a　Gracious　Sovereign　that　he　is　a　Snob；

is　but　to　say　that　his　Majesty　is　a　man。　　Kings；　too；　are

men　and　Snobs。　　In　a　country　where　Snobs　are　in　the

majority；　a　prime　one；　surely；　cannot　be　unfit　to　govern。

With　us　they　have　succeeded　to　admiration。



For　instance；　James　I。　was　a　Snob；　and　a　Scotch　Snob；

than　which　the　world　contains　no　more　offensive　creature。

He　appears　to　have　had　not　one　of　the　good　qualities　of　a

manneither　courage；　nor　generosity；　nor　honesty；　nor

brains；　but　read　what　the　great　Divines　and　Doctors　of

England　said　about　him！　　Charles　II。；　his　grandson；　was　a

rogue；　but　not　a　Snob；　whilst　Louis　XIV。；　his　old

squaretoes　of　a　contemporary；the　great　worshipper　of

Bigwiggeryhas　always　struck　me　as　a　most　undoubted　and

Royal　Snob。



I　will　not；　however；　take　instances　from　our　own　country

of　Royal　Snobs；　but　refer　to　a　neighbouring　kingdom；　that

of　Brentfordand　its　monarch；　the　late　great　and

lamented　Gorgius　IV。　　With　the　same　humility　with　which

the　footmen　at　the　'King's　Arms'　gave　way　before　the

Plush　Royal；　the　aristocracy　of　the　Brentford　nation　bent

down　and　truckled　before　Gorgius；　and　proclaimed　him　the

first　gentleman　in　Europe。　　And　it's　a　wonder　to　think

what　is　the　gentlefolks'　opinion　of　a　gentleman；　when

they　gave　Gorgius　such　a　title。



What　is　it　to　be　a　gentleman？　　Is　it　to　be　honest；　to　be

gentle；　to　be　generous；　to　be　brave；　to　be　wise；　and；

possessing　all　these　qualities；　to　exercise　them　in　the

most　graceful　outward　manner？　　Ought　a　gentleman　to　be　a

loyal　son；　a　true　husband；　and　honest　father？　　Ought　his

life　to　be　decenthis　bills　to　be　paidhis　tastes　to　be

high　and　eleganthis　aims　in　life　lofty　and　noble？　　　In

a　word；　ought　not　the　Biography　of　a　First　Gentleman　in

Europe　to　be　of　such　a　nature　that　it　might　be　read　in

Young　Ladies'　Schools　with　advantage；　and　studied　with

profit　in　the　Seminaries　of　Young　Gentlemen？　　I　put　this

question　to　all　instructors　of　youthto　Mrs。　Ellis　and

the　Women　of　England；　to　all　schoolmasters；　from　Doctor

Hawtrey　down　to　Mr。　Squeers。　　I　conjure　up　before　me　an

awful　tribunal　of　youth　and　innocence；　attended　by　its

venerable　instructors　（like　the　ten　thousand　red…cheeked

charity…children　in　Saint　Paul's）；　sitting　in　judgment；

and　Gorgius　pleading　his　cause　in　the　midst。　　Out　of

Court；　out　of　Court；　fat　old　Florizel！　　Beadles；　turn　out

that　bloated；　pimple…faced　man！If　Gorgius　MUST　have　a

statue　in　the　new　Palace　which　the　Brentford　nation　is

building；　it　ought　to　be　set　up　in　the　Flunkeys'　Hall。

He　should　be　represented　cutting　out　a　coat；　in　which　art

he　is　said　to　have　excelled。　　He　also　invented　Maraschino

punch；　a　shoe…buckle　（this　was　in　the　vigour　of　his

youth；　and　the　prime　force　of　his　invention）；　and　a

Chinese　pavilion；　the　most　hideous　building　in　the　world。

He　could　drive　a　four…in…hand　very　nearly　as　well　as　the

Brighton　coachman；　could　fence　elegantly；　and　it　is　said；

played　the　fiddle　well。　　And　he　smiled　with　such

irresistible　fascination；　that　persons　who　were

introduced　into　his　august　presence　became　his　victims；

body　and　soul；　as　a　rabbit　becomes　the　prey　of　a　great

big　boa…constrictor。



I　would　wager　that　if　Mr。　Widdicomb　were；　by　a

revolution；　placed　on　the　throne　of　Brentford；　people

would　be　equally　fascinated　by　his　irresistibly　majestic

smile　and　tremble　as　they　knelt　down　to　kiss　his　hand。

If　he　went　to　Dublin　they　would　erect　an　obelisk　on　the

spot　where　he　first　landed；　as　the　Paddylanders　did　when

Gorgius　visited　them。　　We　have　all　of　us　read　with

delight　that　story　of　the　King's　voyage　to　Haggisland；

where　his　presence　inspired　such　a　fury　of　loyalty　and

where　the　most　famous　man　of　the　countrythe　Baron　of

Bradwardinecoming　on　board　the　royal　yacht；　and　finding

a　glass　out　of　which　Gorgius　had　drunk；　put　it　into　his

coatpocket　as　an　inestimable　relic；　and　went　ashore　in

his　boat　again。　　But　the　Baron　sat　down　upon　the　glass

and　broke　it；　and　cut　his　coat…tails　very　much；　and　the

inestimable　relic　was　lost　to　the　world　for　ever。　　O

noble　Bradwardine！　what　old…world　superstition　could　set

you　on　your　knees　before　such　an　idol　as　that？



If　you　want　to　moralise　upon　the　mutability　of　human

affairs；　go　and　see　the　figure　of　Gorgius　in　his　real；

identical　robes；　at　the　waxwork。Admittance　one

shilling。　　Children　and　flunkeys　sixpence。　　Go；　and　pay

sixpence。







CHAPTER　III



THE　INFLUENCE　OF　THE　ARISTOCRACY　ON