the book of snobs-第14章

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carried　him　off　（to　the　inexpressible　grief　of　his　son；

Lord　Alicompayne）；　and　uttered　that　remarkable　speech　to

Sniffle；　which　disposed　of　the　claims　of　the　latter：'

If　I　didn't　respect　the　Church；　Sir；'　his　Lordship　said；

'by　Jove；　I'd　kick　you　downstairs：'　his　Lordship　then

fell　back　into　the　fit　aforesaid；　and　Lady　Fanny；　as　we

all　know；　married　General　Podager。



As　for　poor　Tom；　he　was　over　head　and　ears　in　debt　as

well　as　in　love：　his　creditors　came　down　upon　him。　　Mr。

Hemp；　of　Portugal　Street；　proclaimed　his　name　lately　as　a

reverend　outlaw；　and　he　has　been　seen　at　various　foreign

watering…places；　sometimes　doing　duty；　sometimes

'coaching'　a　stray　gentleman's　son　at　Carlsruhe　or

Kissingen；　sometimesmust　we　say　it？　lurking　about　the

roulette…tables　with　a　tuft　to　his　chin。



If　temptation　had　not　come　upon　this　unhappy　fellow　in

the　shape　of　a　Lord　Brandyball；　he　might　still　have　been

following　his　profession；　humbly　and　worthily。　　He　might

have　married　his　cousin　with　four　thousand　pounds；　the

wine…merchant's　daughter　（the　old　gentleman　quarrelled

with　his　nephew　for　not　soliciting　wine…orders　from　Lord

B。　for　him）：　he　might　have　had　seven　children；　and　taken

private　pupils；　and　eked　out　his　income；　and　lived　and

died　a　country　parson。



Could　he　have　done　better？　　You　who　want　to　know　how

great；　and　good；　and　noble　such　a　character　may　be；　read

Stanley's　'Life　of　Doctor　Arnold。'







CHAPTER　XIII



ON　CLERICAL　SNOBS



Among　the　varieties　of　the　Snob　Clerical；　the　University

Snob　and　the　Scholastic　Snob　ought　never　to　be　forgotten；

they　form　a　very　strong　battalion　in　the　black…coated

army。



The　wisdom　of　our　ancestors　（which　I　admire　more　and　more

every　day）　seemed　to　have　determined　that　education　of

youth　was　so　paltry　and　unimportant　a　matter；　that　almost

any　man；　armed　with　a　birch　and　regulation　cassock　and

degree；　might　undertake　the　charge：　and　many　an　honest

country　gentleman　may　be　found　to　the　present　day；　who

takes　very　good　care　to　have　a　character　with　his　butler

when　he　engages　him　and　will　not　purchase　a　horse　without

the　warranty　and　the　closest　inspection；　but　sends　off

his　son；　young　John　Thomas；　to　school　without　asking　any

questions　about　the　Schoolmaster；　and　places　the　lad　at

Switchester　College；　under　Doctor　Block；　because　he　（the

good　old　English　gentleman）　had　been　at　Switchester；

under　Doctor　Buzwig；　forty　years　ago。



We　have　a　love　for　all　little　boys　at　school；　for　many

scores　of　thousands　of　them　read　and　love　PUNCH：may　he

never　write　a　word　that　shall　not　be　honest　and　fit　for

them　to　read！　　He　will　not　have　his　young　friends　to　be

Snobs　in　the　future；　or　to　be　bullied　by　Snobs；　or　given

over　to　such　to　be　educated。　　Our　connexion　with　the

youth　at　the　Universities　is　very　close　and　affectionate。

The　candid　undergraduate　is　our　friend。　　The　pompous　old

College　Don　trembles　in　his　common　room；　lest　we　should

attack　him　and　show　him　up　as　a　Snob。



When　railroads　were　threatening　to　invade　the　land　which

they　have　since　conquered；　it　may　be　recollected　what　a

shrieking　and　outcry　the　authorities　of　Oxford　and　Eton

made；　lest　the　iron　abominations　should　come　near　those

seats　of　pure　learning；　and　tempt　the　British　youth

astray。　　The　supplications　were　in　vain；　the　railroad　is

in　upon　them；　and　the　old…world　institutions　are　doomed。

I　felt　charmed　to　read　in　the　papers　the　other　day　a　most

veracious　puffing　advertisement　headed；　'To　College　and

back　for　Five　Shillings。'　　'The　College　Gardens　（it　said）

will　be　thrown　open　on　this　occasion；　the　College　youths

will　perform　a　regatta；　the　Chapel　of　King's　College　will

have　its　celebrated　music；'and　all　for　five　shillings！

The　Goths　have　got　into　Rome；　Napoleon　Stephenson　draws

his　republican　lines　round　the　sacred　old　cities　and　the

ecclesiastical　big…wigs　who　garrison　them　must　prepare　to

lay　down　key　and　crosier　before　the　iron　conqueror。



If　you　consider；　dear　reader；　what　profound　snobbishness

the　University　System　produced；　you　will　allow　that　it　is

time　to　attack　some　of　those　feudal　middle…age

superstitions。　　If　you　go　down　for　five　shillings　to　look

at　the　'College　Youths；'　you　may　see　one　sneaking　down

the　court　without　a　tassel　to　his　cap；　another　with　a

gold　or　silver　fringe　to　his　velvet　trencher；　a　third　lad

with　a　master's　gown　and　hat；　walking　at　ease　over　the

sacred　College　grass…plats；　which　common　men　must　not

tread　on。



He　may　do　it　because　he　is　a　nobleman。　　Because　a　lad　is

a　lord；　the　University　gives　him　a　degree　at　the　end　of

two　years　which　another　is　seven　in　acquiring。　　Because

he　is　a　lord；　he　has　no　call　to　go　through　an

examination。　　　Any　man　who　has　not　been　to　College　and

back　for　five　shillings；　would　not　believe　in　such

distinctions　in　a　place　of　education；　so　absurd　and

monstrous　do　they　seem　to　be。



The　lads　with　gold　and　silver　lace　are　sons　of　rich

gentlemen　and　called　Fellow　Commoners；　they　are

privileged　to　feed　better　than　the　pensioners；　and　to

have　wine　with　their　victuals；　which　the　latter　can　only

get　in　their　rooms。



The　unlucky　boys　who　have　no　tassels　to　their　caps；　are

called　sizarsSERVITORS　at　Oxford（a　very　pretty　and

gentlemanlike　title）。　　A　distinction　is　made　in　their

clothes　because　they　are　poor；　for　which　reason　they　wear

a　badge　of　poverty；　and　are　not　allowed　to　take　their

meals　with　their　fellow…students。



When　this　wicked　and　shameful　distinction　was　set　up；　it

was　of　a　piece　with　all　the　resta　part　of　the　brutal；

unchristian；　blundering　feudal　system。　　Distinctions　of

rank　were　then　so　strongly　insisted　upon；　that　it　would

have　been　thought　blasphemy　to　doubt　them；　as　blasphemous

as　it　is　in　parts　of　the　United　States　now　for　a　nigger

to　set　up　as　the　equal　of　a　white　man。　　A　ruffian　like

Henry　VIII。　talked　as　gravely　about　the　divine　powers

vested　in　him；　as　if　he　had　been　an　inspired　prophet。　　A

wretch　like　James　I。　not　only　believed　that　there　was　in

himself　a　particular　sanctity；　but　other　people　believed

him。　　Government　regulated　the　length　of　a　merchant's

shoes　as　well　as　meddled　with　his　trade；　prices；　exports；

machinery。　　It　thought　itself　justified　in　roasting　a　man

for　his　religion；　or　pulling　a　Jew's　teeth　out　if　he　did

not　pay　a　contribution；　or　ordered　him　to　dress　in　a

yellow　gabardine；　and　locked　him　in　a　particular　quarter。



Now　a　merchant　may　wear　what　boots　he　pleases；　and　has

pretty　nearly　acquired　the　privilege　of　buying　and

selling　without　the　Government　laying　its　paws　upon　the

bargain。　　The　stake　for　heretics　is　gone；　the　pillory　is

taken　down；　Bishops　are　even　found　lifting　up　their

voices　against　the　remains　of　persecution；　and　ready　to

do　away　with　the　last　Catholic　Disabilities。　　Sir　Robert

Peel；　though　he　wished　it　ever　so　much；　has　no　power　over

Mr。　Benjamin　Disraeli's　grinders；　or　any　means　of

violently　handling　that　gentleman's　jaw。　　Jews　are　not

called　upon　to　wear　badges：　on　the　contrary；　they　may

live　in　Piccadilly；　or　the　Minories；　according　to　fancy；

they　may　dress　like　Christians；　and　do　sometimes　in　a

most　elegant　and　fashionable　manner。



Why　is　the　poor　College　servitor　to　wear　that　name　and

that　badge　still？　　Because　Universities　are　the　last

places　into　which　Reform　penetrates。　　But　now　that　she

can　go　to　College　and　back　for　five　shillings；　let　her

travel　down　thither。







CHAPTER　XIV



ON　UNIVERSITY　SNOBS



All　the　men　of　Saint　Boniface　will　recognize　Hugby　and

Crump　in　these　two　pictures。　　They　were　tutors　in　our

time；　and　Crump　is　since　advanced　to　be　President　of　the

College。　　He　was　formerly；　and　is　now；　a　rich　specimen　of

a　University　Snob。



At　five…and…twenty；　Crump　invented　three　new　metres；　and

published　an　edition　of　an　exceedingly　improper　Greek

Comedy；　with　no　less　than　twenty　emendations　upon　the

German　text　of　Schnupfenius　and　Schnapsius