the book of snobs-第13章

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ridicule　upon　either！







CHAPTER　XII



ON　CLERICAL　SNOBS　AND　SNOBBISHNESS



'Dear　Mr。　Snob；'　an　amiable　young　correspondent　writes；

who　signs　himself　Snobling；　'ought　the　clergyman　who；　at

the　request　of　a　noble　Duke；　lately　interrupted　a

marriage　ceremony　between　two　persons　perfectly

authorised　to　marry；　to　be　ranked　or　not　among　the

Clerical　Snobs？'



This；　my　dear　young　friend；　is　not　a　fair　question。　　One

of　the　illustrated　weekly　papers　has　already　seized　hold

of　the　clergyman；　and　blackened　him　most　unmercifully；　by

representing　him　in　his　cassock　performing　the　marriage

service。　　Let　that　be　sufficient　punishment；　and；　if　you

please；　do　not　press　the　query。



It　is　very　likely　that　if　Miss　Smith　had　come　with　a

licence　to　marry　Jones；　the　parson　in　question；　not

seeing　old　Smith　present；　would　have　sent　off　the　beadle

in　a　cab　to　let　the　old　gentleman　know　what　was　going　on；

and　would　have　delayed　the　service　until　the　arrival　of

Smith　senior。　　He　very　likely　thinks　it　his　duty　to　ask

all　marriageable　young　ladies；　who　come　without　their

papa；　why　their　parent　is　absent；　and；　no　doubt；　ALWAYS

sends　off　the　beadle　for　that　missing　governor。



Or；　it　is　very　possible　that　the　Duke　of　Coeurdelion　was

Mr。　What…d'ye…call'im's　most　intimate　friend；　and　has

often　said　to　him；　'What…d'ye…call'im；　my　boy；　my

daughter　must　never　marry　the　Capting。　　If　ever　they　try

at　your　church；　I　beseech　you；　considering　the　terms　of

intimacy　on　which　we　are；　to　send　off　Rattan　in　a　hack

cab　to　fetch　me。'



In　either　of　which　cases；　you　see；　dear　Snobling；　that

though　the　parson　would　not　have　been　authorised；　yet　be

might　have　been　excused　for　interfering。　　　He　has　no　more

right　to　stop　my　marriage　than　to　stop　my　dinner；　to　both

of　which；　as　a　free…born　Briton；　I　am　entitled　by　law；　if

I　can　pay　for　them。　　But；　consider　pastoral　solicitude；　a

deep　sense　of　the　duties　of　his　office；　and　pardon　this

inconvenient；　but　genuine　zeal。



But　if　the　clergyman　did　in　the　Duke's　case　what　be　would

NOT　do　in　Smith's；　if　be　has　no　more　acquaintance　with

the　Coeurdelion　family　than　I　have　with　the　Royal　and

Serene　House　of　Saxe…Coburg　Gotha；THEN；　I　confess；　my

dear　Snobling；　your　question　might　elicit　a　disagreeable

reply；　and　one　which　I　respectfully　decline　to　give。　　I

wonder　what　Sir　George　Tufto　would　say；　if　a　sentry　left

his　post　because　a　noble　lord　（not　the　least　connected

with　the　service）　begged　the　sentinel　not　to　do　his　duty！



Alas！　that　the　beadle　who　canes　little　boys　and　drives

them　out；　cannot　drive　worldliness　out　too；　what　is

worldliness　but　snobbishness？　　When；　for　instance；　I　read

in　the　newspapers　that　the　Right　Reverend　the　Lord

Charles　James　administered　the　rite　of　confirmation　to　a

PARTY　OF　THE　JUVENILE　NOBILITY　at　the　Chapel　Royal；as

if　the　Chapel　Royal　were　a　sort　of　ecclesiastical

Almack's；　and　young　people　were　to　get　ready　for　the　next

world　in　little　exclusive　genteel　knots　of　the

aristocracy；　who　were　not　to　be　disturbed　in　their

journey　thither　by　the　company　of　the　vulgar：when　I

read　such　a　paragraph　as　that　（and　one　or　two　such

generally　appear　during　the　present　fashionable　season）；

it　seems　to　me　to　be　the　most　odious；　mean　and　disgusting

part　of　that　odious；　mean；　and　disgusting　publication；

the　COURT　CIRCULAR；　and　that　snobbishness　is　therein

carried　to　quite　an　awful　pitch。　　What；　gentlemen；　can't

we　even　in　the　Church　acknowledge　a　republic？　　There；　at

least；　the　Heralds'　College　itself　might　allow　that　we

all　of　us　have　the　same　pedigree；　and　are　direct

descendants　of　Eve　and　Adam；　whose　inheritance　is　divided

amongst　us。



I　hereby　call　upon　all　Dukes；　Earls；　Baronets；　and　other

potentates；　not　to　lend　themselves　to　this　shameful

scandal　and　error；　and　beseech　all　Bishops　who　read　this

publication　to　take　the　matter　into　consideration；　and　to

protest　against　the　continuance　of　the　practice；　and　to

declare；　'We　WON'T　confirm　or　christen　Lord　Tomnoddy；　or

Sir　Carnaby　Jenks；　to　the　exclusion　of　any　other　young

Christian；'　the　which　declaration　if　their　Lordships　are

induced　to　make；　a　great　LAPIS　OFFENSIONIS　will　be

removed；　and　the　Snob　Papers　will　not　have　been　written

in　vain。



A　story　is　current　of　a　celebrated　NOUVEAU…RICHE；　who

having　had　occasion　to　oblige　that　excellent　prelate　the

Bishop　of　Bullocksmithy；　asked　his　Lordship；　in　return；

to　confirm　his　children　privately　in　his　Lordship's　own

chapel；　which　ceremony　the　grateful　prelate　accordingly

performed。　　Can　satire　go　farther　than　this？　　Is　there

even　in　this　most　amusing　of　prints；　any　more　NAIVE

absurdity？　　It　is　as　if　a　man　wouldn't　go　to　heaven

unless　he　went　in　a　special　train；　or　as　if　he　thought

（as　some　people　think　about　vaccination）　Confirmation

more　effectual　when　administered　at　first　hand。　　When

that　eminent　person；　the　Begum　Sumroo；　died；　it　is　said

she　left　ten　thousand　pounds　to　the　Pope；　and　ten

thousand　to　the　Archbishop　of　Canterbury；so　that　there

should　be　no　mistake；so　as　to　make　sure　of　having　the

ecclesiastical　authorities　on　her　side。　　This　is　only　a

little　more　openly　and　undisguisedly　snobbish　than　the

cases　before　alluded　to。　　A　well…bred　Snob　is　just　as

secretly　proud　of　his　riches　and　honours　as　a　PARVENU

Snob　who　makes　the　most　ludicrous　exhibition　of　them；　and

a　high…born　Marchioness　or　Duchess　just　as　vain　of

herself　and　her　diamonds；　as　Queen　Quashyboo；　who　sews　a

pair　of　epaulets　on　to　her　skirt；　and　turns　out　in　state

in　a　cocked　hat　and　feathers。



It　is　not　out　of　disrespect　to　my　'Peerage；'　which　I　love

and　honour；　（indeed；　have　I　not　said　before；　that　I

should　be　ready　to　jump　out　of　my　skin　if　two　Dukes　would

walk　down　Pall　Mall　with　me？）it　is　not　out　of

disrespect　for　the　individuals；　that　I　wish　these　titles

had　never　been　invented；　but；　consider；　if　there　were　no

tree；　there　would　be　no　shadow；　and　how　much　more　honest

society　would　be；　and　how　much　more　serviceable　the

clergy　would　be　（which　is　our　present　consideration）；　if

these　temptations　of　rank　and　continual　baits　of

worldliness　were　not　in　existence；　and　perpetually　thrown

out　to　lead　them　astray。



I　have　seen　many　examples　of　their　falling　away。　　When；

for　instance；　Tom　Sniffle　first　went　into　the　country　as

Curate　for　Mr。　Fuddleston　（Sir　Huddleston　Fuddleston's

brother）；　who　resided　on　some　other　living；　there　could

not　be　a　more　kind；　hardworking；　and　excellent　creature

than　Tom。　　He　had　his　aunt　to　live　with　him。　　His　conduct

to　his　poor　was　admirable。　　He　wrote　annually　reams　of

the　best…intentioned　and　vapid　sermons。　　When　Lord

Brandyball's　family　came　down　into　the　country；　and

invited　him　to　dine　at　Brandyball　Park；　Sniffle　was　so

agitated　that　he　almost　forgot　how　to　say　grace；　and

upset　a　bowl　of　currant…jelly　sauce　in　Lady　Fanny

Toffy's　lap。



What　was　the　consequence　of　his　intimacy　with　that　noble

family？　　He　quarrelled　with　his　aunt　for　dining　out　every

night。　　The　wretch　forgot　his　poor　altogether；　and　killed

his　old　nag　by　always　riding　over　to　Brandyball；　where　he

revelled　in　the　maddest　passion　for　Lady　Fanny。　　He

ordered　the　neatest　new　clothes　and　ecclesiastical

waistcoats　from　London；　he　appeared　with　corazza…shirts；

lackered　boots；　and　perfumery；　he　bought　a　blood…horse

from　Bob　Toffy：　was　seen　at　archery　meetings；　public

breakfasts；actually　at　cover；　and；　I　blush　to　say；　that

I　saw　him　in　a　stall　at　the　Opera；　and　afterwards　riding

by　Lady　Fanny's　side　in　Rotten　Row。　　He　DOUBLE…BARRELLED

his　name；　（as　many　poor　Snobs　do；）　and　instead　of　T。

Sniffle；　as　formerly；　came　out；　in　a　porcelain　card；　as

Rev。　T。　D'Arcy　Sniffle；　Burlington　Hotel。



The　end　of　all　this　may　be　imagined：　when　the　Earl　of

Brandyball　was　made　acquainted　with　the　curate's　love　for

Lady　Fanny；　he　had　that　fit　of　the　gout　which　so　nearly

carried　him　off　（to　the　inexpressible　grief　of　his　son；