little novels-第54章
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My next proceeding was to write in confidence to the priest whom I have already mentioned； in an earlier part of these pages。 He has reasons of his own for not permitting me to disclose the motive which induced him to celebrate my marriage privately in the chapel at Lord Lepel's house。 My uncle's desire that I should try change of air； as offering a last chance of recovery； was known to my medical attendant； and served as a sufficient reason （although he protested against the risk） for my removal to the country。 I was carried to the station； and placed on a bedslung by ropes to the ceiling of a saloon carriage； so as to prevent me from feeling the vibration when the train was in motion。 Faithful Mrs。 Mozeen entreated to be allowed to accompany me。 I was reluctantly compelled to refuse compliance with this request； in justice to the claims of my lord's housekeeper； who had been accustomed to exercise undivided authority in the household； and who had made every preparation for my comfort。 With her own hands； Mrs。 Mozeen packed everything that I required； including the medicines prescribed for the occasion。 She was deeply affected； poor soul； when we parted。
I bore the journeyhappily for me； it was a short onebetter than had been anticipated。 For the first few days that followed； the purer air of the country seemed； in some degree； to revive me。 But the deadly sense of weakness； the slow sinking of the vital power in me； returned as the time drew near for the marriage。 The ceremony was performed at night。 Only Susan and her mother were present。 No persons in the house but ourselves had the faintest suspicion of what had happened。
I signed my new will （the priest and Mrs。 Rymer being the witnesses） in my bed that night。 It left everything that I possessed； excepting a legacy to Mrs。 Mozeen； to my wife。
Obliged； it is needless to say； to preserve appearances； Susan remained at the lodge as usual。 But it was impossible to resist her entreaty to be allowed to attend on me； for a few hours daily； as assistant to the regular nurse。 When she was alone with me； and had no inquisitive eyes to dread； the poor girl showed a depth of feeling； which I was unable to reconcile with the motives that could alone have induced her （as I then supposed） to consent to the mockery of our marriage。 On occasions when I was so far able to resist the languor that oppressed me as to observe what was passing at my bedsideI saw Susan look at me as if there were thoughts in her pressing for utterance which she hesitated to express。 Once； she herself acknowledged this。 〃I have so much to say to you；〃 she owned； 〃when you are stronger and fitter to hear me。〃 At other times； her nerves seemed to be shaken by the spectacle of my sufferings。 Her kind hands trembled and made mistakes； when they had any nursing duties to perform near me。 The servants； noticing her； used to say； 〃That pretty girl seems to be the most awkward person in the house。〃 On the day that followed the ceremony in the chapel； this want of self…control brought about an accident which led to serious results。
In removing the small chest which held my medicines from the shelf on which it was placed； Susan let it drop on the floor。 The two full bottles still left were so completely shattered that not even a teaspoonful of the contents was saved。
Shocked at what she had done； the poor girl volunteered to go herself to my chemist in London by the first train。 I refused to allow it。 What did it matter to me now； if my death from exhaustion was hastened by a day or two？ Why need my life be prolonged artificially by drugs； when I had nothing left to live for？ An excuse for me which would satisfy others was easily found。 I said that I had been long weary of physic； and that the accident had decided me on refusing to take more。
That night I did not wake quite so often as usual。 When she came to me the next day； Susan noticed that I looked better。 The day after； the other nurse made the same observation。 At the end of the week； I was able to leave my bed； and sit by the fireside； while Susan read to me。 Some mysterious change in my health had completely falsified the prediction of the medical men。 I sent to London for my doctorand told him that the improvement in me had begun on the day when I left off taking his remedies。 〃Can you explain it？〃 I asked。
He answered that no such 〃resurrection from the dead〃 （as he called it） had ever happened in his long experience。 On leaving me； he asked for the latest prescriptions that had been written。 I inquired what he was going to do with them。 〃I mean to go to the chemist；〃 he replied； 〃and to satisfy myself that your medicines have been properly made up。〃
I owed it to Mrs。 Mozeen's true interest in me to tell her what had happened。 The same day I wrote to her。 I also mentioned what the doctor had said； and asked her to call on him； and ascertain if the prescriptions had been shown to the chemist； and if any mistake had been made。
A more innocently intended letter than this never was written。 And yet there are people who have declared that it was inspired by suspicion of Mrs。 Mozeen！
EIGHTH EPOCH。
WHETHER I was so weakened by illness as to be incapable of giving my mind to more than one subject for reflection at a time （that subject being now the extraordinary recovery of my health）or whether I was preoccupied by the effort； which I was in honor bound to make； to resist the growing attraction to me of Susan's societyI cannot presume to say。 This only I know： when the discovery of the terrible position toward Rothsay in which I now stood suddenly overwhelmed me； an interval of some days had passed。 I cannot account for it。 I can only sayso it was。
Susan was in the room。 I was wholly unable to hide from her the sudden change of color which betrayed the horror that had overpowered me。 She said； anxiously： 〃What has frightened you？〃
I don't think I heard her。 The play was in my memory againthe fatal play； which had wound itself into the texture of Rothsay's life and mine。 In vivid remembrance； I saw once more the dramatic situation of the first act； and shrank from the reflection of it in the disaster which had fallen on my friend and myself。
〃What has frightened you？〃 Susan repeated。
I answered in one wordI whispered his name： 〃Rothsay！〃
She looked at me in innocent surprise。 〃Has he met with some misfortune？〃 she asked； quietly。
〃Misfortune〃did she call it？ Had I not said enough to disturb her tranquillity in mentioning Rothsay's name？ 〃I am living！〃 I said。 〃Livingand likely to live！〃
Her answer expressed fervent gratitude。 〃Thank God for it！〃
I looked at her； astonished as she had been astonished when she looked at me。
〃Susan； Susan；〃 I cried〃must I own it？ I love you！〃
She came nearer to me with timid pleasure in her eyeswith the first faint light of a smile playing round her lips。
〃You say it very strangely；〃 she murmured。 〃Surely； my dear one； you ought to love me？ Since the first day when you gave me my French lessonhaven't I loved You？〃
〃You love _me？_〃 I repeated。 〃Have you read？〃 My voice failed me； I could say no more。
She turned pale。 〃Read what？〃 she asked。
〃My letter。〃
〃What letter？〃
〃The letter I wrote to you before we were married。〃
Am I a coward？ The bare recollection of what followed that reply makes me tremble。 Time has passed。 I am a new man now； my health is restored； my happiness is assured： I ought to be able to write on。 No： it is not to be done。 How can I think coolly？ how force myself to record the suffering that I innocently； most innocently； inflicted on the sweetest and truest of women？ Nothing saved us from a parting as absolute as the parting that follows death but the confession that had been wrung from me at a time when my motive spoke for itself。 The artless avowal of her affection had been justified； had been honored； by the words which laid my heart at her feet when I said 〃I love you。〃
。 。 。
She had risen to leave me。 In a last look； we had silently resigned ourselves to wait； apart from each other； for the day of reckoning that must follow Rothsay's return； when we heard the sound of carriage…wheels on the drive that led to the house。 In a min
