little novels-第37章
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le household。
The women； especially； admired his beautiful light hair； his crisply…curling beard； his delicate complexion； his clear blue eyes； and his finely shaped hands and feet。 Even the inveterate reserve in his manner； and the downcast； almost sullen； look which had prejudiced _me_ against him； aroused a common feeling of romantic enthusiasm in my servants' hall。 It was decided； on the high authority of the housekeeper herself； that 〃the new gentleman〃 was in loveand； more interesting still； that he was the victim of an unhappy attachment which had driven him away from his friends and his home。
For myself； I tried hard； and tried vainly； to get over my first dislike to the senior pupil。
I could find no fault with him。 All his habits were quiet and regular； and he devoted himself conscientiously to his reading。 But； little by little； I became satisfied that his heart was not in his studies。 More than this； I had my reasons for suspecting that he was concealing something from me； and that he felt painfully the reserve on his own part which he could not； or dared not； break through。 There were moments when I almost doubted whether he had not chosen my remote country rectory as a safe place of refuge from some person or persons of whom he stood in dread。
For example； his ordinary course of proceeding； in the matter of his correspondence； was； to say the least of it； strange。
He received no letters at my house。 They waited for him at the village post office。 He invariably called for them himself； and invariably forbore to trust any of my servants with his own letters for the post。 Again； when we were out walking together； I more than once caught him looking furtively over his shoulder； as if he suspected some person of following him； for some evil purpose。 Being constitutionally a hater of mysteries； I determined； at an early stage of our intercourse； on making an effort to clear matters up。 There might be just a chance of my winning the senior pupil's confidence； if I spoke to him while the last days of the summer vacation still left us alone together in the house。
〃Excuse me for noticing it；〃 I said to him one morning； while we were engaged over our books〃I cannot help observing that you appear to have some trouble on your mind。 Is it indiscreet； on my part； to ask if I can be of any use to you？〃
He changed colorlooked up at me quicklylooked down again at his bookstruggled hard with some secret fear or secret reluctance that was in himand suddenly burst out with this extraordinary question： 〃I suppose you were in earnest when you preached that sermon in London？〃
〃I am astonished that you should doubt it；〃 I replied。
He paused again； struggled with himself again； and startled me by a second outbreak； even stranger than the first。
〃I am one of the people you preached at in your sermon；〃 he said。 〃That's the true reason why I asked you to take me for your pupil。 Don't turn me out！ When you talked to your congregation of tortured and tempted people； you talked of Me。〃
I was so astonished by the confession； that I lost my presence of mind。 For the moment； I was unable to answer him。
〃Don't turn me out！〃 he repeated。 〃Help me against myself。 I am telling you the truth。 As God is my witness； I am telling you the truth！〃
〃Tell me the _whole_ truth；〃 I said； 〃and rely on my consoling and helping yourely on my being your friend。〃
In the fervor of the moment； I took his hand。 It lay cold and still in mine； it mutely warned me that I had a sullen and a secret nature to deal with。
〃There must be no concealment between us；〃 I resumed。 〃You have entered my house； by your own confession； under false pretenses。 It is your duty to me； and your duty to yourself； to speak out。〃
The man's inveterate reservecast off for the moment onlyrenewed its hold on him。 He considered； carefully considered； his next words before he permitted them to pass his lips。
〃A person is in the way of my prospects in life；〃 he began slowly； with his eyes cast down on his book。 〃A person provokes me horribly。 I feel dreadful temptations （like the man you spoke of in your sermon） when I am in the person's company。 Teach me to resist temptation。 I am afraid of myself； if I see the person again。 You are the only man who can help me。 Do it while you can。〃
He stopped； and passed his handkerchief over his forehead。
〃Will that do？〃 he askedstill with his eyes on his book。
〃It will _not_ do；〃 I answered。 〃You are so far from really opening your heart to me； that you won't even let me know whether it is a man or a woman who stands in the way of your prospects in life。 You used the word 'person；' over and over againrather than say 'he' or 'she' when you speak of the provocation which is trying you。 How can I help a man who has so little confidence in me as that？〃
My reply evidently found him at the end of his resources。 He tried； tried desperately； to say more than he had said yet。 No！ The words seemed to stick in his throat。 Not one of them would pass his lips。
〃Give me time；〃 he pleaded piteously。 〃I can't bring myself to it； all at once。 I mean well。 Upon my soul； I mean well。 But I am slow at this sort of thing。 Wait till to…morrow。〃
To…morrow cameand again he put it off。
〃One more day！〃 he said。 〃You don't know how hard it is to speak plainly。 I am half afraid； I am half ashamed。 Give me one more day。〃
I had hitherto only disliked him。 Try as I might （and did） to make merciful allowance for his reserve； I began to despise him now。
VIII。
THE day of the deferred confession came； and brought an event with it； for which both he and I were alike unprepared。 Would he really have confided in me but for that event？ He must either have done it； or have abandoned the purpose which had led him into my house。
We met as usual at the breakfast…table。 My housekeeper brought in my letters of the morning。 To my surprise； instead of leaving the room again as usual； she walked round to the other side of the table； and laid a letter before my senior pupilthe first letter； since his residence with me； which had been delivered to him under my roof。
He started； and took up the letter。 He looked at the address。 A spasm of suppressed fury passed across his face； his breath came quickly； his hand trembled as it held the letter。 So far； I said nothing。 I waited to see whether he would open the envelope in my presence or not。
He was afraid to open it in my presence。 He got on his feet； he said； in tones so low that I could barely hear him： 〃Please excuse me for a minute〃and left the room。
I waited for half an hourfor a quarter of an hour after thatand then I sent to ask if he had forgotten his breakfast。
In a minute more； I heard his footstep in the hall。 He opened the breakfast…room door； and stood on the threshold； with a small traveling…bag in his hand。
〃I beg your pardon；〃 he said； still standing at the door。 〃I must ask for leave of absence for a day or two。 Business in London。〃
〃Can I be of any use？〃 I asked。 〃I am afraid your letter has brought you bad news？〃
〃Yes；〃 he said shortly。 〃Bad news。 I have no time for breakfast。〃
〃Wait a few minutes；〃 I urged。 〃Wait long enough to treat me like your friendto tell me what your trouble is before you go。〃
He made no reply。 He stepped into the hall and closed the doorthen opened it again a little way； without showing himself。
〃Business in London；〃 he repeatedas if he thought it highly important to inform me of the nature of his errand。 The door closed for the second time。 He was gone。
I went into my study； and carefully considered what had happened。
The result of my reflections is easily described。 I determined on discontinuing my relations with my senior pupil。 In writing to his father （which I did； with all due courtesy and respect； by that day's post）； I mentioned as my reason for arriving at this decision：First； that I had found it impossible to win the confidence of his son。 Secondly； that his son had that morning suddenly and mysteriously left my house for London； and that I must decline accepting any further responsibility toward him； as the necessary consequence。
I had put my letter in the post…bag； and was beginning to feel a little
