green mansions-第57章

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e　years　I　had　existed　before　this　solitary　time；　now　looked　like　a　small　island　immeasurably　far　away；　scarcely　discernible；　in　the　midst　of　that　endless　desolate　waste　of　nameless　days。

My　stock　of　provisions　had　been　so　long　consumed　that　I　had　forgotten　the　flavour　of　pulse　and　maize　and　pumpkins　and　purple　and　sweet　potatoes。　　For　Nuflo's　cultivated　patch　had　been　destroyed　by　the　savagesnot　a　stem；　not　a　root　had　they　left：　and　I；　like　the　sorrowful　man　that　broods　on　his　sorrow　and　the　artist　who　thinks　only　of　his　art；　had　been　improvident　and　had　consumed　the　seed　without　putting　a　portion　into　the　ground。　　Only　wild　food；　and　too　little　of　that；　found　with　much　seeking　and　got　with　many　hurts。　　Birds　screamed　at　and　scolded　me；　branches　bruised　and　thorns　scratched　me；　and　still　worse　were　the　angry　clouds　of　waspish　things　no　bigger　than　flies。　　Buzzbuzz！　　Sting…　…sting！　　A　serpent's　tooth　has　failed　to　kill　me；　little　do　I　care　for　your　small　drops　of　fiery　venom　so　that　I　get　at　the　spoilgrubs　and　honey。　　My　white　bread　and　purple　wine！　　Once　my　soul　hungered　after　knowledge；　I　took　delight　in　fine　thoughts　finely　expressed；　I　sought　them　carefully　in　printed　books：　now　only　this　vile　bodily　hunger；　this　eager　seeking　for　grubs　and　honey；　and　ignoble　war　with　little　things！

A　bad　hunter　I　proved　after　larger　game。　　Bird　and　beast　despised　my　snares；　which　took　me　so　many　waking　hours　at　night　to　invent；　so　many　daylight　hours　to　make。　　Once；　seeing　a　troop　of　monkeys　high　up　in　the　tall　trees；　I　followed　and　watched　them　for　a　long　time；　thinking　how　royally　I　should　feast　if　by　some　strange　unheard…of　accident　one　were　to　fall　disabled　to　the　ground　and　be　at　my　mercy。　　But　nothing　impossible　happened；　and　I　had　no　meat。　　What　meat　did　I　ever　have　except　an　occasional　fledgling；　killed　in　its　cradle；　or　a　lizard；　or　small　tree…frog　detected；　in　spite　of　its　green　colour；　among　the　foliage？　　I　would　roast　the　little　green　minstrel　on　the　coals。　　Why　not？　　Why　should　he　live　to　tinkle　on　his　mandolin　and　clash　his　airy　cymbals　with　no　appreciative　ear　to　listen？　　Once　I　had　a　different　and　strange　kind　of　meat；　but　the　starved　stomach　is　not　squeamish。　　I　found　a　serpent　coiled　up　in　my　way　in　a　small　glade；　and　arming　myself　with　a　long　stick；　I　roused　him　from　his　siesta　and　slew　him　without　mercy。　　Rima　was　not　there　to　pluck　the　rage　from　my　heart　and　save　his　evil　life。　No　coral　snake　this；　with　slim；　tapering　body；　ringed　like　a　wasp　with　brilliant　colour；　but　thick　and　blunt；　with　lurid　scales；　blotched　with　black；　also　a　broad；　flat；　murderous　head；　with　stony；　ice…like；　whity…blue　eyes；　cold　enough　to　freeze　a　victim's　blood　in　its　veins　and　make　it　sit　still；　like　some　wide…eyed　creature　carved　in　stone；　waiting　for　the　sharp；　inevitable　strokeso　swift　at　last；　so　long　in　coming。　　〃O　abominable　flat　head；　with　icy…cold；　humanlike；　fiend…like　eyes；　I　shall　cut　you　off　and　throw　you　away！〃　　And　away　I　flung　it；　far　enough　in　all　conscience：　yet　I　walked　home　troubled　with　a　fancy　that　somewhere；　somewhere　down　on　the　black；　wet　soil　where　it　had　fallen；　through　all　that　dense；　thorny　tangle　and　millions　of　screening　leaves；　the　white；　lidless；　living　eyes　were　following　me　still；　and　would　always　be　following　me　in　all　my　goings　and　comings　and　windings　about　in　the　forest。　　And　what　wonder？　　For　were　we　not　alone　together　in　this　dreadful　solitude；　I　and　the　serpent；　eaters　of　the　dust；　singled　out　and　cursed　above　all　cattle？　　HE　would　not　have　bitten　me；　and　Ifaithless　cannibal！had　murdered　him。　　That　cursed　fancy　would　live　on；　worming　itself　into　every　crevice　of　my　mind；　the　severed　head　would　grow　and　grow　in　the　night…time　to　something　monstrous　at　last；　the　hellish　white　lidless　eyes　increasing　to　the　size　of　two　full　moons。　　〃Murderer！　　murderer！〃　　they　would　say；　〃first　a　murderer　of　your　own　fellow　creaturesthat　was　a　small　crime；　but　God；　our　enemy；　had　made　them　in　His　image；　and　He　cursed　you；　and　we　two　were　together；　alone　and　apartyou　and　I；　murderer！　　you　and　I；　murderer！〃

I　tried　to　escape　the　tyrannous　fancy　by　thinking　of　other　things　and　by　making　light　of　it。　　〃The　starved；　bloodless　brain；〃　I　said；　〃has　strange　thoughts。〃　　I　fell　to　studying　the　dark；　thick；　blunt　body　in　my　hands；　I　noticed　that　the　livid；　rudely　blotched；　scaly　surface　showed　in　some　lights　a　lovely　play　of　prismatic　colours。　　And　growing　poetical；　I　said：　〃When　the　wild　west　wind　broke　up　the　rainbow　on　the　flying　grey　cloud　and　scattered　it　over　the　earth；　a　fragment　doubtless　fell　on　this　reptile　to　give　it　that　tender　celestial　tint。　　For　thus　it　is　Nature　loves　all　her　children；　and　gives　to　each　some　beauty；　little　or　much；　only　to　me；　her　hated　stepchild；　she　gives　no　beauty；　no　grace。　　But　stay；　am　I　not　wronging　her？　　Did　not　Rima；　beautiful　above　all　things；　love　me　well？　　said　she　not　that　I　was　beautiful？〃

〃Ah；　yes；　that　was　long　ago；〃　spoke　the　voice　that　mocked　me　by　the　pool　when　I　combed　out　my　tangled　hair。　　〃Long　ago；　when　the　soul　that　looked　from　your　eyes　was　not　the　accursed　thing　it　is　now。　　Now　Rima　would　start　at　the　sight　of　them；　now　she　would　fly　in　terror　from　their　insane　expression。〃

〃O　spiteful　voice；　must　you　spoil　even　such　appetite　as　I　have　for　this　fork…tongued　spotty　food？　　You　by　day　and　Rima　by　nightwhat　shall　I　dowhat　shall　I　do？〃

For　it　had　now　come　to　this；　that　the　end　of　each　day　brought　not　sleep　and　dreams；　but　waking　visions。　　Night　by　night；　from　my　dry　grass　bed　I　beheld　Nuflo　sitting　in　his　old　doubled…up　posture；　his　big　brown　feet　close　to　the　white　ashessitting　silent　and　miserable。　　I　pitied　him；　I　owed　him　hospitality；　but　it　seemed　intolerable　that　he　should　be　there。　　It　was　better　to　shut　my　eyes；　for　then　Rima's　arms　would　be　round　my　neck；　the　silky　mist　of　her　hair　against　my　face；　her　flowery　breath　mixing　with　my　breath。　　What　a　luminous　face　was　hers！　　Even　with　closeshut　eyes　I　could　see　it　vividly；　the　translucent　skin　showing　the　radiant　rose　beneath；　the　lustrous　eyes；　spiritual　and　passionate；　dark　as　purple　wine　under　their　dark　lashes。　　Then　my　eyes　would　open　wide。　　No　Rima　in　my　arms！　　But　over　there；　a　little　way　back　from　the　fire；　just　beyond　where　old　Nuflo　had　sat　brooding　a　few　minutes　ago；　Rima　would　be　standing；　still　and　pale　and　unspeakably　sad。　　Why　does　she　come　to　me　from　the　outside　darkness　to　stand　there　talking　to　me；　yet　never　once　lifting　her　mournful　eyes　to　mine？　　〃Do　not　believe　it；　Abel；　no；　that　was　only　a　phantom　of　your　brain；　the　What…I…was　that　you　remember　so　well。　　For　do　you　not　see　that　when　I　come　she　fades　away　and　is　nothing？　　Not　thatdo　not　ask　it。　　I　know　that　I　once　refused　to　look　into　your　eyes；　and　afterwards；　in　the　cave　at　Riolama；　I　looked　long　and　was　happyunspeakably　happy！　　But　nowoh；　you　do　not　know　what　you　ask；　you　do　not　know　the　sorrow　that　has　come　into　mine；　that　if　you　once　beheld　it；　for　very　sorrow　you　would　die。　　And　you　must　live。　　But　I　will　wait　patiently；　and　we　shall　be　together　in　the　end；　and　see　each　other　without　disguise。　　Nothing　shall　divide　us。　　Only　wish　not　for　it　soon；　think　not　that　death　will　ease　your　pain；　and　seek　it　not。　Austerities？　　Good　works？　　Prayers？　　They　are　not　seen；　they　are　not　heard；　they　are　less…than　nothing；　and　there　is　no　intercession。　I　did　not　know　it　then；　but　you　knew　it。　　Your　life　was　your　own；　you　are　not　saved　nor　judged！　　acquit　yourselfundo　that　which　you　have　done；　which　Heaven　cannot　undoand　Heaven　will　say　no　word　nor　will　I。　　You　cannot；　Abel；　you　cannot。　　That　which　you　have　done　is　done；　and　yours　must　be　the　penalty　and　the　sorrowyours　and　mineyours　and　mineyours　and　mine。〃

This；　too；　was　a　phantom；　a　Rima　of　the　mind；　one　of　the　shapes　the　ever…changing　black　vapours　of　remorse　and　insanity　would　take；　and　all　her　mournful　sentences　were　woven　out　of　my　own　brain。　　I　was　not　so　crazed　as　not　to　know　it；　only　a　phantom；　an　illusion；　yet　more　real　than　realityreal　as　my　crime　and　vain　remorse　and　death　to　come。　　It　was；　indeed；　Rima　returned　to　tell　me　that　I　that　loved　her　had　been　more　cruel　to　her　than　her　cruellest　enemies；　for　they　had　but　tortured　and　destroyed　her　body　with　fire；　while　I　had　cast　this　shadow　on