jane eyre(简·爱)-第3章
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dust： and Mrs。 Reed herself； at far intervals； visited it to review
the contents of a certain secret drawer in the wardrobe； where were
stored divers parchments； her jewel…casket； and a miniature of her
deceased husband； and in those last words lies the secret of the
red…room… the spell which kept it so lonely in spite of its grandeur。
Mr。 Reed had been dead nine years： it was in this chamber he
breathed his last； here he lay in state； hence his coffin was borne by
the undertaker's men； and； since that day； a sense of dreary
consecration had guarded it from frequent intrusion。
My seat； to which Bessie and the bitter Miss Abbot had left me
riveted； was a low ottoman near the marble chimney…piece； the bed rose
before me； to my right hand there was the high； dark wardrobe； with
subdued； broken reflections varying the gloss of its panels； to my
left were the muffled windows； a great looking…glass between them
repeated the vacant majesty of the bed and room。 I was not quite
sure whether they had locked the door； and when I dared move； I got up
and went to see。 Alas！ yes： no jail was ever more secure。 Returning； I
had to cross before the looking…glass； my fascinated glance
involuntarily explored the depth it revealed。 All looked colder and
darker in that visionary hollow than in reality： and the strange
little figure there gazing at me； with a white face and arms
specking the gloom； and glittering eyes of fear moving where all
else was still； had the effect of a real spirit： I thought it like one
of the tiny phantoms； half fairy； half imp； Bessie's evening stories
represented as coming out of lone； ferny dells in moors； and appearing
before the eyes of belated travellers。 I returned to my stool。
Superstition was with me at that moment； but it was not yet her
hour for complete victory： my blood was still warm； the mood of the
revolted slave was still bracing me with its bitter vigour； I had to
stem a rapid rush of retrospective thought before I quailed to the
dismal present。
All John Reed's violent tyrannies； all his sisters' proud
indifference； all his mother's aversion； all the servants' partiality；
turned up in my disturbed mind like a dark deposit in a turbid well。
Why was I always suffering； always browbeaten； always accused； for
ever condemned？ Why could I never please？ Why was it useless to try to
win any one's favour？ Eliza； who； was headstrong and selfish； was
respected。 Georgiana； who had a spoiled temper； a very acrid spite；
a captious and insolent carriage； was universally indulged。 Her
beauty； her pink cheeks and golden curls； seemed to give delight to
all who； looked at her； and to purchase indemnity for every fault。
John no one thwarted； much less punished； though he twisted the
necks of the pigeons； killed the little pea…chicks； set the dogs at
the sheep； stripped the hothouse vines of their fruit； and broke the
buds off the choicest plants in the conservatory： he called his mother
'old girl；' too； sometimes reviled her for her dark skin； similar to
his own； bluntly disregarded her wishes； not unfrequently tore and
spoiled her silk attire； and he was still 'her own darling。' I dared
commit no fault： I strove to fulfil every duty； and I was termed
naughty and tiresome； sullen and sneaking； from morning to noon； and
from noon to night。
My head still ached and bled with the blow and fall I had received：
no one had reproved John for wantonly striking me； and because I had
turned against him to avert farther irrational violence； I was
loaded with general opprobrium。
'Unjust！… unjust！' said my reason； forced by the agonising stimulus
into precocious though transitory power： and Resolve； equally
wrought up； instigated some strange expedient to achieve escape from
insupportable oppression… as running away； or； if that could not be
effected； never eating or drinking more； and letting myself die。
What a consternation of soul was mine that dreary afternoon！ How
all my brain was in tumult； and all my heart in insurrection！ Yet in
what darkness； what dense ignorance； was the mental battle fought！ I
could not answer the ceaseless inward question… why I thus suffered；
now； at the distance of… I will not say how many years； I see it
clearly。
I was a discord in Gateshead Hall： I was like nobody there； I had
nothing in harmony with Mrs。 Reed or her children； or her chosen
vassalage。 If they did not love me； in fact； as little did I love
them。 They were not bound to regard with affection a thing that
could not sympathise with one amongst them； a heterogeneous thing；
opposed to them in temperament； in capacity； in propensities； a
useless thing； incapable of serving their interest； or adding to their
pleasure； a noxious thing； cherishing the germs of indignation at
their treatment； of contempt of their judgment。 I know that had I been
a sanguine； brilliant； careless； exacting； handsome； romping child…
though equally dependent and friendless… Mrs。 Reed would have
endured my presence more complacently； her children would have
entertained for me more of the cordiality of fellow…feeling； the
servants would have been less prone to make me the scapegoat of the
nursery。
Daylight began to forsake the red…room； it was past four o'clock；
and the beclouded afternoon was tending to drear twilight。 I heard the
rain still beating continuously on the staircase window； and the
wind howling in the grove behind the hall； I grew by degrees cold as a
stone； and then my courage sank。 My habitual mood of humiliation；
self…doubt； forlorn depression； fell damp on the embers of my decaying
ire。 All said I was wicked； and perhaps I might be so； what thought
had I been but just conceiving of starving myself to death？ That
certainly was a crime： and was I fit to die？ Or was the vault under
the chancel of Gateshead Church an inviting bourne？ In such vault I
had been told did Mr。 Reed lie buried； and led by this thought to
recall his idea； I dwelt on it with gathering dread。 I could not
remember him； but I knew that he was my own uncle… my mother's
brother… that he had taken me when a parentless infant to his house；
and that in his last moments he had required a promise of Mrs。 Reed
that she would rear and maintain me as one of her own children。 Mrs。
Reed probably considered she had kept this promise； and so she had；
I dare say； as well as her nature would permit her； but how could
she really like an interloper not of her race； and unconnected with
her； after her husband's death； by any tie？ It must have been most
irksome to find herself bound by a hard…wrung pledge to stand in the
stead of a parent to a strange child she could not love； and to see an
uncongenial alien permanently intruded on her own family group。
A singular notion dawned upon me。 I doubted not… never doubted…
that if Mr。 Reed had been alive he would have treated me kindly； and
now； as I sat looking at the white bed and overshadowed walls…
occasionally also turning a fascinated eye towards the dimly
gleaming mirror… I began to recall what I had heard of dead men；
troubled in their graves by the violation of their last wishes；
revisiting the earth to punish the perjured and avenge the
oppressed； and I thought Mr。 Reed's spirit； harassed by the wrongs
of his sister's child； might quit its abode… whether in the church
vault or in the unknown world of the departed… and rise before me in
this chamber。 I wiped my tears and hushed my sobs； fearful lest any
sign of violent grief might waken a preternatural voice to comfort me；
or elicit from the gloom some haloed face； bending over me with
strange pity。 This idea； consolatory in theory； I felt would be
terrible if realised： with all my might I endeavoured to stifle it…
I endeavoured to be firm。 Shaking my hair from my eyes； I lifted my
head and tried to look boldly round the dark room； at this moment a
light gleamed on the wall。 Was it； I asked myself； a ray from the moon
penetrating some aperture in the blind？ No； moonlight was still； and
this stirred； while I gazed； it glided up to the ceiling
