the yellow wallpaper-第3章

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And　it　is　like　a　woman　stooping　down　and　creeping　about
behind　that　pattern。　　I　don't　like　it　a　bit。　　I　wonderI　begin
to　thinkI　wish　John　would　take　me　away　from　here！

It　is　so　hard　to　talk　with　John　about　my　case；　because　he　is
so　wise；　and　because　he　loves　me　so。

But　I　tried　it　last　night。

It　was　moonlight。　　The　moon　shines　in　all　around　just　as　the
sun　does。

I　hate　to　see　it　sometimes；　it　creeps　so　slowly；　and　always
comes　in　by　one　window　or　another。

John　was　asleep　and　I　hated　to　waken　him；　so　I　kept　still
and　watched　the　moonlight　on　that　undulating　wall…paper　till　I
felt　creepy。

The　faint　figure　behind　seemed　to　shake　the　pattern；　just　as
if　she　wanted　to　get　out。

I　got　up　softly　and　went　to　feel　and　see　if　the　paper　DID
move；　and　when　I　came　back　John　was　awake。

〃What　is　it；　little　girl？〃　he　said。　　〃Don't　go　walking　about
like　thatyou'll　get　cold。〃

I　though　it　was　a　good　time　to　talk；　so　I　told　him　that　I
really　was　not　gaining　here；　and　that　I　wished　he　would　take　me
away。

〃Why　darling！〃　said　he；　〃our　lease　will　be　up　in　three
weeks；　and　I　can't　see　how　to　leave　before。

〃The　repairs　are　not　done　at　home；　and　I　cannot　possibly
leave　town　just　now。　　Of　course　if　you　were　in　any　danger；　I
could　and　would；　but　you　really　are　better；　dear；　whether　you　can
see　it　or　not。　　I　am　a　doctor；　dear；　and　I　know。　　You　are　gaining
flesh　and　color；　your　appetite　is　better；　I　feel　really　much
easier　about　you。〃

〃I　don't　weigh　a　bit　more；〃　said　I；　〃nor　as　much；　and　my
appetite　may　be　better　in　the　evening　when　you　are　here；　but　it
is　worse　in　the　morning　when　you　are　away！〃

〃Bless　her　little　heart！〃　said　he　with　a　big　hug；　〃she　shall
be　as　sick　as　she　pleases！　　But　now　let's　improve　the　shining
hours　by　going　to　sleep；　and　talk　about　it　in　the　morning！〃

〃And　you　won't　go　away？〃　I　asked　gloomily。

〃Why；　how　can　I；　dear？　　It　is　only　three　weeks　more　and　then
we　will　take　a　nice　little　trip　of　a　few　days　while　Jennie　is
getting　the　house　ready。　　Really　dear　you　are　better！〃

〃Better　in　body　perhaps〃　I　began；　and　stopped　short；　for
he　sat　up　straight　and　looked　at　me　with　such　a　stern；
reproachful　look　that　I　could　not　say　another　word。

〃My　darling；〃　said　he；　〃I　beg　of　you；　for　my　sake　and　for
our　child's　sake；　as　well　as　for　your　own；　that　you　will　never
for　one　instant　let　that　idea　enter　your　mind！　　There　is　nothing
so　dangerous；　so　fascinating；　to　a　temperament　like　yours。　　It　is
a　false　and　foolish　fancy。　　Can　you　not　trust　me　as　a　physician
when　I　tell　you　so？〃

So　of　course　I　said　no　more　on　that　score；　and　we　went　to
sleep　before　long。　　He　thought　I　was　asleep　first；　but　I　wasn't；
and　lay　there　for　hours　trying　to　decide　whether　that　front
pattern　and　the　back　pattern　really　did　move　together　or
separately。


On　a　pattern　like　this；　by　daylight；　there　is　a　lack　of
sequence；　a　defiance　of　law；　that　is　a　constant　irritant　to　a
normal　mind。

The　color　is　hideous　enough；　and　unreliable　enough；　and
infuriating　enough；　but　the　pattern　is　torturing。

You　think　you　have　mastered　it；　but　just　as　you　get　well
underway　in　following；　it　turns　a　back…somersault　and　there　you
are。　　It　slaps　you　in　the　face；　knocks　you　down；　and　tramples
upon　you。　　It　is　like　a　bad　dream。

The　outside　pattern　is　a　florid　arabesque；　reminding　one　of
a　fungus。　　If　you　can　imagine　a　toadstool　in　joints；　an
interminable　string　of　toadstools；　budding　and　sprouting　in
endless　convolutionswhy；　that　is　something　like　it。

That　is；　sometimes！

There　is　one　marked　peculiarity　about　this　paper；　a　thing
nobody　seems　to　notice　but　myself；and　that　is　that　it　changes　as
the　light　changes。

When　the　sun　shoots　in　through　the　east　windowI　always
watch　for　that　first　long；　straight　rayit　changes　so　quickly
that　I　never　can　quite　believe　it。

That　is　why　I　watch　it　always。

By　moonlightthe　moon　shines　in　all　night　when　there　is　a
moonI　wouldn't　know　it　was　the　same　paper。

At　night　in　any　kind　of　light；　in　twilight；　candle　light；
lamplight；　and　worst　of　all　by　moonlight；　it　becomes　bars！　　The
outside　pattern　I　mean；　and　the　woman　behind　it　is　as　plain　as
can　be。

I　didn't　realize　for　a　long　time　what　the　thing　was　that
showed　behind；　that　dim　sub…pattern；　but　now　I　am　quite　sure　it
is　a　woman。

By　daylight　she　is　subdued；　quiet。　　I　fancy　it　is　the
pattern　that　keeps　her　so　still。　　It　is　so　puzzling。　　It　keeps　me
quiet　by　the　hour。

I　lie　down　ever　so　much　now。　　John　says　it　is　good　for　me；
and　to　sleep　all　I　can。

Indeed　he　started　the　habit　by　making　me　lie　down　for　an
hour　after　each　meal。

It　is　a　very　bad　habit　I　am　convinced；　for　you　see　I　don't
sleep。

And　that　cultivates　deceit；　for　I　don't　tell　them　I'm
awakeO　no！

The　fact　is　I　am　getting　a　little　afraid　of　John。

He　seems　very　queer　sometimes；　and　even　Jennie　has　an
inexplicable　look。

It　strikes　me　occasionally；　just　as　a　scientific
hypothesis；that　perhaps　it　is　the　paper！

I　have　watched　John　when　he　did　not　know　I　was　looking；　and
come　into　the　room　suddenly　on　the　most　innocent　excuses；　and
I've　caught　him　several　times　LOOKING　AT　THE　PAPER！　　And　Jennie
too。　　I　caught　Jennie　with　her　hand　on　it　once。

She　didn't　know　I　was　in　the　room；　and　when　I　asked　her　in　a
quiet；　a　very　quiet　voice；　with　the　most　restrained　manner
possible；　what　she　was　doing　with　the　papershe　turned　around　as
if　she　had　been　caught　stealing；　and　looked　quite　angryasked　me
why　I　should　frighten　her　so！

Then　she　said　that　the　paper　stained　everything　it　touched；
that　she　had　found　yellow　smooches　on　all　my　clothes　and　John's；
and　she　wished　we　would　be　more　careful！

Did　not　that　sound　innocent？　　But　I　know　she　was　studying
that　pattern；　and　I　am　determined　that　nobody　shall　find　it　out
but　myself！


Life　is　very　much　more　exciting　now　than　it　used　to　be。　　You
see　I　have　something　more　to　expect；　to　look　forward　to；　to
watch。　　I　really　do　eat　better；　and　am　more　quiet　than　I　was。

John　is　so　pleased　to　see　me　improve！　　He　laughed　a　little
the　other　day；　and　said　I　seemed　to　be　flourishing　in　spite　of　my
wall…paper。

I　turned　it　off　with　a　laugh。　　I　had　no　intention　of　telling
him　it　was　BECAUSE　of　the　wall…paperhe　would　make　fun　of　me。　
He　might　even　want　to　take　me　away。

I　don't　want　to　leave　now　until　I　have　found　it　out。　　There
is　a　week　more；　and　I　think　that　will　be　enough。


I'm　feeling　ever　so　much　better！　　I　don't　sleep　much　at
night；　for　it　is　so　interesting　to　watch　developments；　but　I
sleep　a　good　deal　in　the　daytime。

In　the　daytime　it　is　tiresome　and　perplexing。

There　are　always　new　shoots　on　the　fungus；　and　new　shades　of
yellow　all　over　it。　　I　cannot　keep　count　of　them；　though　I　have
tried　conscientiously。

It　is　the　strangest　yellow；　that　wall…paper！　　It　makes　me
think　of　all　the　yellow　things　I　ever　sawnot　beautiful　ones
like　buttercups；　but　old　foul；　bad　yellow　things。

But　there　is　something　else　about　that　paperthe　smell！　　I
noticed　it　the　moment　we　came　into　the　room；　but　with　so　much　air
and　sun　it　was　not　bad。　　Now　we　have　had　a　week　of　fog　and　rain；
and　whether　the　windows　are　open　or　not；　the　smell　is　here。

It　creeps　alll　over　the　house。

I　find　it　hovering　in　the　dining…room；　skulking　in　the
parlor；　hiding　in　the　hall；　lying　in　wait　for　me　on　the　stairs。

It　gets　into　my　hair。

Even　when　I　go　to　ride；　if　I　turn　my　head　suddenly　and
surprise　itthere　is　that　smell！

Such　a　peculiar　odor；　too！　　I　have　spent　hours　in　trying　to
analyze　it；　to　find　what　it　smelled　like。

It　is　not　badat　first；　and　very　gentle；　but　quite　the
subtlest；　most　enduring　odor　I　ever　met。

In　this　damp　weather　it　is　awful；　I　wake　up　in　the　night　and
find　it　hanging　over　me。

It　used　to　disturb　me　at　first。　　I　thought　seriously　of
burning　the　houseto　reach　the　smell。

But　now　I　am　used　to　it。　　The　only　thing　I　can　think　of　that
it　is　like　is　the　COLOR　of　the　paper！　　A　yellow　smell。

There　is　a　very　funny　mark　on　this　wall；　low　down；　near　the
mopboard。　　A　streak　that　runs　round　the　room。　　It　goes　behind
every　piece　of　furniture；　except　the　bed；　a　long；　straight；　even
SMOOCH；　as　if　it　had　been　rubbed　over　and　over。

I　wonder