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第5章

the beast in the jungle-第5章

小说: the beast in the jungle 字数: 每页4000字

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ept from doing; but she could add up the amount they made; understand how much; with a lighter weight on his spirit; he might have done; and thereby establish how; clever as he was; he fell short。  Above all she was in the secret of the difference between the forms he went throughthose of his little office under Government; those of caring for his modest patrimony; for his library; for his garden in the country; for the people in London whose invitations he accepted and repaidand the detachment that reigned beneath them and that made of all behaviour; all that could in the least be called behaviour; a long act of dissimulation。  What it had come to was that he wore a mask painted with the social simper; out of the eye…holes of which there looked eyes of an expression not in the least matching the other features。 This the stupid world; even after years; had never more than half discovered。  It was only May Bartram who had; and she achieved; by an art indescribable; the feat of at onceor perhaps it was only alternatelymeeting the eyes from in front and mingling her own vision; as from over his shoulder; with their peep through the apertures。

So while they grew older together she did watch with him; and so she let this association give shape and colour to her own existence。  Beneath HER forms as well detachment had learned to sit; and behaviour had become for her; in the social sense; a false account of herself。  There was but one account of her that would have been true all the while and that she could give straight to nobody; least of all to John Marcher。  Her whole attitude was a virtual statement; but the perception of that only seemed called to take its place for him as one of the many things necessarily crowded out of his consciousness。  If she had moreover; like himself; to make sacrifices to their real truth; it was to be granted that her compensation might have affected her as more prompt and more natural。  They had long periods; in this London time; during which; when they were together; a stranger might have listened to them without in the least pricking up his ears; on the other hand the real truth was equally liable at any moment to rise to the surface; and the auditor would then have wondered indeed what they were talking about。  They had from an early hour made up their mind that society was; luckily; unintelligent; and the margin allowed them by this had fairly become one of their commonplaces。 Yet there were still moments when the situation turned almost freshusually under the effect of some expression drawn from herself。  Her expressions doubtless repeated themselves; but her intervals were generous。  〃What saves us; you know; is that we answer so completely to so usual an appearance:  that of the man and woman whose friendship has become such a daily habitor almostas to be at last indispensable。〃  That for instance was a remark she had frequently enough had occasion to make; though she had given it at different times different developments。  What we are especially concerned with is the turn it happened to take from her one afternoon when he had come to see her in honour of her birthday。  This anniversary had fallen on a Sunday; at a season of thick fog and general outward gloom; but he had brought her his customary offering; having known her now long enough to have established a hundred small traditions。  It was one of his proofs to himself; the present he made her on her birthday; that he hadn't sunk into real selfishness。  It was mostly nothing more than a small trinket; but it was always fine of its kind; and he was regularly careful to pay for it more than he thought he could afford。  〃Our habit saves you; at least; don't you see?〃 because it makes you; after all; for the vulgar; indistinguishable from other men。  What's the most inveterate mark of men in general?  Why the capacity to spend endless time with dull womento spend it I won't say without being bored; but without minding that they are; without being driven off at a tangent by it; which comes to the same thing。 I'm your dull woman; a part of the daily bread for which you pray at church。  That covers your tracks more than anything。〃

〃And what covers yours?〃 asked Marcher; whom his dull woman could mostly to this extent amuse。  〃I see of course what you mean by your saving me; in this way and that; so far as other people are concernedI've seen it all along。  Only what is it that saves YOU? I often think; you know; of that。〃

She looked as if she sometimes thought of that too; but rather in a different way。  〃Where other people; you mean; are concerned?〃

〃Well; you're really so in with me; you knowas a sort of result of my being so in with yourself。  I mean of my having such an immense regard for you; being so tremendously mindful of all you've done for me。  I sometimes ask myself if it's quite fair。  Fair I mean to have so involved andsince one may say itinterested you。 I almost feel as if you hadn't really had time to do anything else。〃

〃Anything else but be interested?〃 she asked。  〃Ah what else does one ever want to be?  If I've been 'watching' with you; as we long ago agreed I was to do; watching's always in itself an absorption。〃

〃Oh certainly;〃 John Marcher said; 〃if you hadn't had your curiosity …!  Only doesn't it sometimes come to you as time goes on that your curiosity isn't being particularly repaid?〃

May Bartram had a pause。  〃Do you ask that; by any chance; because you feel at all that yours isn't?  I mean because you have to wait so long。〃

Oh he understood what she meant!  〃For the thing to happen that never does happen?  For the Beast to jump out?  No; I'm just where I was about it。  It isn't a matter as to which I can CHOOSE; I can decide for a change。  It isn't one as to which there CAN be a change。  It's in the lap of the gods。  One's in the hands of one's lawthere one is。  As to the form the law will take; the way it will operate; that's its own affair。〃

〃Yes;〃 Miss Bartram replied; 〃of course one's fate's coming; of course it HAS come in its own form and its own way; all the while。 Only; you know; the form and the way in your case were to have beenwell; something so exceptional and; as one may say; so particularly YOUR own。〃

Something in this made him look at her with suspicion。  〃You say 'were to HAVE been;' as if in your heart you had begun to doubt。〃

〃Oh!〃 she vaguely protested。

〃As if you believed;〃 he went on; 〃that nothing will now take place。〃

She shook her head slowly but rather inscrutably。  〃You're far from my thought。〃

He continued to look at her。  〃What then is the matter with you?〃

〃Well;〃 she said after another wait; 〃the matter with me is simply that I'm more sure than ever my curiosity; as you call it; will be but too well repaid。〃

They were frankly grave now; he had got up from his seat; had turned once more about the little drawing…room to which; year after year; he brought his inevitable topic; in which he had; as he might have said; tasted their intimate community with every sauce; where every object was as familiar to him as the things of his own house and the very carpets were worn with his fitful walk very much as the desks in old counting…houses are worn by the elbows of generations of clerks。  The generations of his nervous moods had been at work there; and the place was the written history of his whole middle life。  Under the impression of what his friend had just said he knew himself; for some reason; more aware of these things; which made him; after a moment; stop again before her。  〃Is it possibly that you've grown afraid?〃

〃Afraid?〃  He thought; as she repeated the word; that his question had made her; a little; change colour; so that; lest he should have touched on a truth; he explained very kindly:  〃You remember that that was what you asked ME long agothat first day at Weatherend。〃

〃Oh yes; and you told me you didn't knowthat I was to see for myself。  We've said little about it since; even in so long a time。〃

〃Precisely;〃 Marcher interposed〃quite as if it were too delicate a matter for us to make free with。  Quite as if we might find; on pressure; that I AM afraid。  For then;〃 he said; 〃we shouldn't; should we? quite know what to do。〃

She had for 

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