the beast in the jungle-第4章

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tered　into　his　plan　that　any　one　should　〃know〃；　and　mainly　for　the　reason　that　it　wasn't　in　him　to　tell　any　one。　　That　would　have　been　impossible；　for　nothing　but　the　amusement　of　a　cold　world　would　have　waited　on　it。　　Since；　however；　a　mysterious　fate　had　opened　his　mouth　betimes；　in　spite　of　him；　he　would　count　that　a　compensation　and　profit　by　it　to　the　utmost。　That　the　right　person　SHOULD　know　tempered　the　asperity　of　his　secret　more　even　than　his　shyness　had　permitted　him　to　imagine；　and　May　Bartram　was　clearly　right；　becausewell；　because　there　she　was。　　Her　knowledge　simply　settled　it；　he　would　have　been　sure　enough　by　this　time　had　she　been　wrong。　　There　was　that　in　his　situation；　no　doubt；　that　disposed　him　too　much　to　see　her　as　a　mere　confidant；　taking　all　her　light　for　him　from　the　factthe　fact　onlyof　her　interest　in　his　predicament；　from　her　mercy；　sympathy；　seriousness；　her　consent　not　to　regard　him　as　the　funniest　of　the　funny。　　Aware；　in　fine；　that　her　price　for　him　was　just　in　her　giving　him　this　constant　sense　of　his　being　admirably　spared；　he　was　careful　to　remember　that　she　had　also　a　life　of　her　own；　with　things　that　might　happen　to　HER；　things　that　in　friendship　one　should　likewise　take　account　of。　　Something　fairly　remarkable　came　to　pass　with　him；　for　that　matter；　in　this　connexionsomething　represented　by　a　certain　passage　of　his　consciousness；　in　the　suddenest　way；　from　one　extreme　to　the　other。

He　had　thought　himself；　so　long　as　nobody　knew；　the　most　disinterested　person　in　the　world；　carrying　his　concentrated　burden；　his　perpetual　suspense；　ever　so　quietly；　holding　his　tongue　about　it；　giving　others　no　glimpse　of　it　nor　of　its　effect　upon　his　life；　asking　of　them　no　allowance　and　only　making　on　his　side　all　those　that　were　asked。　　He　hadn't　disturbed　people　with　the　queerness　of　their　having　to　know　a　haunted　man；　though　he　had　had　moments　of　rather　special　temptation　on　hearing　them　say　they　were　forsooth　〃unsettled。〃　　If　they　were　as　unsettled　as　he　washe　who　had　never　been　settled　for　an　hour　in　his　lifethey　would　know　what　it　meant。　　Yet　it　wasn't；　all　the　same；　for　him　to　make　them；　and　he　listened　to　them　civilly　enough。　　This　was　why　he　had　such　goodthough　possibly　such　rather　colourlessmanners；　this　was　why；　above　all；　he　could　regard　himself；　in　a　greedy　world；　as　decentlyas　in　fact　perhaps　even　a　little　sublimelyunselfish。　Our　point　is　accordingly　that　he　valued　this　character　quite　sufficiently　to　measure　his　present　danger　of　letting　it　lapse；　against　which　he　promised　himself　to　be　much　on　his　guard。　　He　was　quite　ready；　none　the　less；　to　be　selfish　just　a　little；　since　surely　no　more　charming　occasion　for　it　had　come　to　him。　　〃Just　a　little；〃　in　a　word；　was　just　as　much　as　Mss　Bartram；　taking　one　day　with　another；　would　let　him。　　He　never　would　be　in　the　least　coercive；　and　would　keep　well　before　him　the　lines　on　which　consideration　for　herthe　very　highestought　to　proceed。　　He　would　thoroughly　establish　the　heads　under　which　her　affairs；　her　requirements；　her　peculiaritieshe　went　so　far　as　to　give　them　the　latitude　of　that　namewould　come　into　their　intercourse。　　All　this　naturally　was　a　sign　of　how　much　he　took　the　intercourse　itself　for　granted。　　There　was　nothing　more　to　be　done　about　that。　　It　simply　existed；　had　sprung　into　being　with　her　first　penetrating　question　to　him　in　the　autumn　light　there　at　Weatherend。　　The　real　form　it　should　have　taken　on　the　basis　that　stood　out　large　was　the　form　of　their　marrying。　　But　the　devil　in　this　was　that　the　very　basis　itself　put　marrying　out　of　the　question。　　His　conviction；　his　apprehension；　his　obsession；　in　short；　wasn't　a　privilege　he　could　invite　a　woman　to　share；　and　that　consequence　of　it　was　precisely　what　was　the　matter　with　him。　　Something　or　other　lay　in　wait　for　him；　amid　the　twists　and　the　turns　of　the　months　and　the　years；　like　a　crouching　Beast　in　the　Jungle。　　It　signified　little　whether　the　crouching　Beast　were　destined　to　slay　him　or　to　be　slain。　　The　definite　point　was　the　inevitable　spring　of　the　creature；　and　the　definite　lesson　from　that　was　that　a　man　of　feeling　didn't　cause　himself　to　be　accompanied　by　a　lady　on　a　tiger…hunt。　　Such　was　the　image　under　which　he　had　ended　by　figuring　his　life。

They　had　at　first；　none　the　less；　in　the　scattered　hours　spent　together；　made　no　allusion　to　that　view　of　it；　which　was　a　sign　he　was　handsomely　alert　to　give　that　he　didn't　expect；　that　he　in　fact　didn't　care；　always　to　be　talking　about　it。　　Such　a　feature　in　one's　outlook　was　really　like　a　hump　on　one's　back。　　The　difference　it　made　every　minute　of　the　day　existed　quite　independently　of　discussion。　　One　discussed　of　course　LIKE　a　hunchback；　for　there　was　always；　if　nothing　else；　the　hunchback　face。　　That　remained；　and　she　was　watching　him；　but　people　watched　best；　as　a　general　thing；　in　silence；　so　that　such　would　be　predominantly　the　manner　of　their　vigil。　　Yet　he　didn't　want；　at　the　same　time；　to　be　tense　and　solemn；　tense　and　solemn　was　what　he　imagined　he　too　much　showed　for　with　other　people。　　The　thing　to　be；　with　the　one　person　who　knew；　was　easy　and　naturalto　make　the　reference　rather　than　be　seeming　to　avoid　it；　to　avoid　it　rather　than　be　seeming　to　make　it；　and　to　keep　it；　in　any　case；　familiar；　facetious　even；　rather　than　pedantic　and　portentous。　　Some　such　consideration　as　the　latter　was　doubtless　in　his　mind　for　instance　when　he　wrote　pleasantly　to　Miss　Bartram　that　perhaps　the　great　thing　he　had　so　long　felt　as　in　the　lap　of　the　gods　was　no　more　than　this　circumstance；　which　touched　him　so　nearly；　of　her　acquiring　a　house　in　London。　　It　was　the　first　allusion　they　had　yet　again　made；　needing　any　other　hitherto　so　little；　but　when　she　replied；　after　having　given　him　the　news；　that　she　was　by　no　means　satisfied　with　such　a　trifle　as　the　climax　to　so　special　a　suspense；　she　almost　set　him　wondering　if　she　hadn't　even　a　larger　conception　of　singularity　for　him　than　he　had　for　himself。　　He　was　at　all　events　destined　to　become　aware　little　by　little；　as　time　went　by；　that　she　was　all　the　while　looking　at　his　life；　judging　it；　measuring　it；　in　the　light　of　the　thing　she　knew；　which　grew　to　be　at　last；　with　the　consecration　of　the　years；　never　mentioned　between　them　save　as　〃the　real　truth〃　about　him。　　That　had　always　been　his　own　form　of　reference　to　it；　but　she　adopted　the　form　so　quietly　that；　looking　back　at　the　end　of　a　period；　he　knew　there　was　no　moment　at　which　it　was　traceable　that　she　had；　as　he　might　say；　got　inside　his　idea；　or　exchanged　the　attitude　of　beautifully　indulging　for　that　of　still　more　beautifully　believing　him。

It　was　always　open　to　him　to　accuse　her　of　seeing　him　but　as　the　most　harmless　of　maniacs；　and　this；　in　the　long　runsince　it　covered　so　much　groundwas　his　easiest　description　of　their　friendship。　　He　had　a　screw　loose　for　her　but　she　liked　him　in　spite　of　it　and　was　practically；　against　the　rest　of　the　world；　his　kind　wise　keeper；　unremunerated　but　fairly　amused　and；　in　the　absence　of　other　near　ties；　not　disreputably　occupied。　　The　rest　of　the　world　of　course　thought　him　queer；　but　she；　she　only；　knew　how；　and　above　all　why；　queer；　which　was　precisely　what　enabled　her　to　dispose　the　concealing　veil　in　the　right　folds。　　She　took　his　gaiety　from　himsince　it　had　to　pass　with　them　for　gaietyas　she　took　everything　else；　but　she　certainly　so　far　justified　by　her　unerring　touch　his　finer　sense　of　the　degree　to　which　he　had　ended　by　convincing　her。　　SHE　at　least　never　spoke　of　the　secret　of　his　life　except　as　〃the　real　truth　about　you；〃　and　she　had　in　fact　a　wonderful　way　of　making　it　seem；　as　such；　the　secret　of　her　own　life　too。　　That　was　in　fine　how　he　so　constantly　felt　her　as　allowing　for　him；　he　couldn't　on　the　whole　call　it　anything　else。　He　allowed　for　himself；　but　she；　exactly；　allowed　still　more；　partly　because；　better　placed　for　a　sight　of　the　matter；　she　traced　his　unhappy　perversion　through　reaches　of　its　course　into　which　he　could　scarce　follow　it。　　He　knew　how　he　felt；　but；　besides　knowing　that；　she　knew　how　he　looked　as　well；　he　knew　each　of　the　things　of　importance　he　was　insidiously　kept　from　doing；　but　she　could　add　up　the　amount　they　made；　understand　how　much；　with　a　lighter　weigh