the beast in the jungle-第10章

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Well；　he　was　to　know　within　the　week；　for　though　she　kept　him　a　while　at　bay；　left　him　restless　and　wretched　during　a　series　of　days　on　each　of　which　he　asked　about　her　only　again　to　have　to　turn　away；　she　ended　his　trial　by　receiving　him　where　she　had　always　received　him。　　Yet　she　had　been　brought　out　at　some　hazard　into　the　presence　of　so　many　of　the　things　that　were；　consciously；　vainly；　half　their　past；　and　there　was　scant　service　left　in　the　gentleness　of　her　mere　desire；　all　too　visible；　to　check　his　obsession　and　wind　up　his　long　trouble。　　That　was　clearly　what　she　wanted；　the　one　thing　more　for　her　own　peace　while　she　could　still　put　out　her　hand。　　He　was　so　affected　by　her　state　that；　once　seated　by　her　chair；　he　was　moved　to　let　everything　go；　it　was　she　herself　therefore　who　brought　him　back；　took　up　again；　before　she　dismissed　him；　her　last　word　of　the　other　time。　　She　showed　how　she　wished　to　leave　their　business　in　order。　　〃I'm　not　sure　you　understood。　You've　nothing　to　wait　for　more。　　It　HAS　come。〃

Oh　how　he　looked　at　her！　　〃Really？〃

〃Really。〃

〃The　thing　that；　as　you　said；　WAS　to？〃

〃The　thing　that　we　began　in　our　youth　to　watch　for。〃

Face　to　face　with　her　once　more　he　believed　her；　it　was　a　claim　to　which　he　had　so　abjectly　little　to　oppose。　　〃You　mean　that　it　has　come　as　a　positive　definite　occurrence；　with　a　name　and　a　date？〃

〃Positive。　　Definite。　　I　don't　know　about　the　'name；'　but；　oh　with　a　date！〃

He　found　himself　again　too　helplessly　at　sea。　　〃But　come　in　the　nightcome　and　passed　me　by？〃

May　Bartram　had　her　strange　faint　smile。　　〃Oh　no；　it　hasn't　passed　you　by！〃

〃But　if　I　haven't　been　aware　of　it　and　it　hasn't　touched　me？〃

〃Ah　your　not　being　aware　of　it〃and　she　seemed　to　hesitate　an　instant　to　deal　with　this〃your　not　being　aware　of　it　is　the　strangeness　in　the　strangeness。　　It's　the　wonder　OF　the　wonder。〃　She　spoke　as　with　the　softness　almost　of　a　sick　child；　yet　now　at　last；　at　the　end　of　all；　with　the　perfect　straightness　of　a　sibyl。　She　visibly　knew　that　she　knew；　and　the　effect　on　him　was　of　something　co…ordinate；　in　its　high　character；　with　the　law　that　had　ruled　him。　　It　was　the　true　voice　of　the　law；　so　on　her　lips　would　the　law　itself　have　sounded。　　〃It　HAS　touched　you；〃　she　went　on。　〃It　has　done　its　office。　　It　has　made　you　all　its　own。〃

〃So　utterly　without　my　knowing　it？〃

〃So　utterly　without　your　knowing　it。〃　　His　hand；　as　he　leaned　to　her；　was　on　the　arm　of　her　chair；　and；　dimly　smiling　always　now；　she　placed　her　own　on　it。　　〃It's　enough　if　I　know　it。〃

〃Oh！〃　he　confusedly　breathed；　as　she　herself　of　late　so　often　had　done。

〃What　I　long　ago　said　is　true。　　You'll　never　know　now；　and　I　think　you　ought　to　be　content。　　You've　HAD　it；〃　said　May　Bartram。

〃But　had　what？〃

〃Why　what　was　to　have　marked　you　out。　　The　proof　of　your　law。　　It　has　acted。　　I'm　too　glad；〃　she　then　bravely　added；　〃to　have　been　able　to　see　what　it's　NOT。〃

He　continued　to　attach　his　eyes　to　her；　and　with　the　sense　that　it　was　all　beyond　him；　and　that　SHE　was　too；　he　would　still　have　sharply　challenged　her　hadn't　he　so　felt　it　an　abuse　of　her　weakness　to　do　more　than　take　devoutly　what　she　gave　him；　take　it　hushed　as　to　a　revelation。　　If　he　did　speak；　it　was　out　of　the　foreknowledge　of　his　loneliness　to　come。　　〃If　you're　glad　of　what　it's　'not'　it　might　then　have　been　worse？〃

She　turned　her　eyes　away；　she　looked　straight　before　her；　with　which　after　a　moment：　　〃Well；　you　know　our　fears。〃

He　wondered。　　〃It's　something　then　we　never　feared？〃

On　this　slowly　she　turned　to　him。　　〃Did　we　ever　dream；　with　all　our　dreams；　that　we　should　sit　and　talk　of　it　thus？〃

He　tried　for　a　little　to　make　out　that　they　had；　but　it　was　as　if　their　dreams；　numberless　enough；　were　in　solution　in　some　thick　cold　mist　through　which　thought　lost　itself。　　〃It　might　have　been　that　we　couldn't　talk。〃

〃Well〃she　did　her　best　for　him〃not　from　this　side。　　This；　you　see；〃　she　said；　〃is　the　OTHER　side。〃

〃I　think；〃　poor　Marcher　returned；　〃that　all　sides　are　the　same　to　me。〃　　Then；　however；　as　she　gently　shook　her　head　in　correction：　〃We　mightn't；　as　it　were；　have　got　across？〃

〃To　where　we　areno。　　We're　HERE〃she　made　her　weak　emphasis。

〃And　much　good　does　it　do　us！〃　was　her　friend's　frank　comment。

〃It　does　us　the　good　it　can。　　It　does　us　the　good　that　IT　isn't　here。　　It's　past。　　It's　behind；〃　said　May　Bartram。　　〃Before〃　but　her　voice　dropped。

He　had　got　up；　not　to　tire　her；　but　it　was　hard　to　combat　his　yearning。　　She　after　all　told　him　nothing　but　that　his　light　had　failedwhich　he　knew　well　enough　without　her。　　〃Before？〃　he　blankly　echoed。

〃Before　you　see；　it　was　always　to　COME。　　That　kept　it　present。〃

〃Oh　I　don't　care　what　comes　now！　　Besides；〃　Marcher　added；　〃it　seems　to　me　I　liked　it　better　present；　as　you　say；　than　I　can　like　it　absent　with　YOUR　absence。〃

〃Oh　mine！〃and　her　pale　hands　made　light　of　it。

〃With　the　absence　of　everything。〃　　He　had　a　dreadful　sense　of　standing　there　before　her　forso　far　as　anything　but　this　proved；　this　bottomless　drop　was　concernedthe　last　time　of　their　life。　It　rested　on　him　with　a　weight　he　felt　he　could　scarce　bear；　and　this　weight　it　apparently　was　that　still　pressed　out　what　remained　in　him　of　speakable　protest。　　〃I　believe　you；　but　I　can't　begin　to　pretend　I　understand。　　NOTHING；　for　me；　is　past；　nothing　WILL　pass　till　I　pass　myself；　which　I　pray　my　stars　may　be　as　soon　as　possible。　　Say；　however；〃　he　added；　〃that　I've　eaten　my　cake；　as　you　contend；　to　the　last　crumbhow　can　the　thing　I've　never　felt　at　all　be　the　thing　I　was　marked　out　to　feel？〃

She　met　him　perhaps　less　directly；　but　she　met　him　unperturbed。　〃You　take　your　'feelings'　for　granted。　　You　were　to　suffer　your　fate。　　That　was　not　necessarily　to　know　it。〃

〃How　in　the　worldwhen　what　is　such　knowledge　but　suffering？〃

She　looked　up　at　him　a　while　in　silence。　　〃Noyou　don't　understand。〃


〃I　suffer；〃　said　John　Marcher。

〃Don't；　don't！〃

〃How　can　I　help　at　least　THAT？〃

〃DON'T！〃　May　Bartram　repeated。

She　spoke　it　in　a　tone　so　special；　in　spite　of　her　weakness；　that　he　stared　an　instantstared　as　if　some　light；　hitherto　hidden；　had　shimmered　across　his　vision。　　Darkness　again　closed　over　it；　but　the　gleam　had　already　become　for　him　an　idea。　　〃Because　I　haven't　the　right？〃

〃Don't　KNOWwhen　you　needn't；〃　she　mercifully　urged。　　〃You　needn'tfor　we　shouldn't。〃

〃Shouldn't？〃　　If　he　could　but　know　what　she　meant！

〃Noit's　too　much。〃

〃Too　much？〃　he　still　asked　but　with　a　mystification　that　was　the　next　moment　of　a　sudden　to　give　way。　　Her　words；　if　they　meant　something；　affected　him　in　this　lightthe　light　also　of　her　wasted　faceas　meaning　ALL；　and　the　sense　of　what　knowledge　had　been　for　herself　came　over　him　with　a　rush　which　broke　through　into　a　question。　　〃Is　it　of　that　then　you're　dying？〃

She　but　watched　him；　gravely　at　first；　as　to　see；　with　this；　where　he　was；　and　she　might　have　seen　something　or　feared　something　that　moved　her　sympathy。　　〃I　would　live　for　you　stillif　I　could。〃　　Her　eyes　closed　for　a　little；　as　if；　withdrawn　into　herself；　she　were　for　a　last　time　trying。　　〃But　I　can't！〃　she　said　as　she　raised　them　again　to　take　leave　of　him。

She　couldn't　indeed；　as　but　too　promptly　and　sharply　appeared；　and　he　had　no　vision　of　her　after　this　that　was　anything　but　darkness　and　doom。　　They　had　parted　for　ever　in　that　strange　talk；　access　to　her　chamber　of　pain；　rigidly　guarded；　was　almost　wholly　forbidden　him；　he　was　feeling　now　moreover；　in　the　face　of　doctors；　nurses；　the　two　or　three　relatives　attracted　doubtless　by　the　presumption　of　what　she　had　to　〃leave；〃　how　few　were　the　rights；　as　they　were　called　in　such　cases；　that　he　had　to　put　forward；　and　how　odd　it　might　even　seem　that　their　intimacy　shouldn't　have　given　him　more　of　them。　　The　stupidest　fourth　cousin　had　more；　even　though　she　had　been　nothing　in　such　a　person's　life。　　She　had　been　a　feature　of　features　in　HIS；　for　what　else　was　it　to　have　been　so　indispensable？　　Strange　beyond　saying　were　the　ways　of　existence；　baffling　for　him　the　anomaly　of　his　lack；　as　he　felt　it　to　be；　of　producible　claim。　　A　woman　might　have　been；　as　it　were；　everything　to　him；　and　it　might　yet　present　him；　in　no　connexion　that