jeremy-第57章

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and　the　coronet　on　the　door。　It　rolled　slowly　up　the　hill　with　its
fine　air　of　commanding　the　whole　worldthen　it　disappeared　around
the　corner　of　the　Close。

Jeremy　decided　then　that　he　would　go　home　across　the　green　and　down
Orchard　Lane。　He　had　a　wish　to　enter　the　Cathedral　for　a　moment；
such　a　visit　would；　after　all；　complete　the　round　of　his
experiences。　He　had　never　entered　the　Cathedral　alone；　and　now；　as
he　saw　it　facing　him；　so　vast　and　majestic　and　quiet；　across　the
sun…drenched　green；　he　felt　a　sudden　fear　and　awe。　He　found　a　ring
in　a　stone　near　the　west　end　through　which　he　might　fasten　Hamlet's
lead；　then；　slowly　pushing　back　the　heavy　door；　he　passed　inside。
The　Cathedral　was　utterly　quiet。　The　vast　nave；　stained　with
reflections　of　purple　and　green　and　ruby；　was　vague　and
unsubstantial；　all　the　little　wooden　chairs　huddled　together　to　the
right　and　left；　leaving　a　great　path　that　swept　up　to　the　High　Altar
under　shafts　of　light　that　fell　like　searchlights　from　the　windows。
The　tombs　and　the　statues　peered　dimly　from　the　shadow；　and　the
great　east　end　window；　with　its　deep　purple　light；　seemed　to　draw
the　whole　nave　up　into　its　heart　and　hold　it　there。　All　was　space
and　silence；　light　and　dusk；　a　little　doll　of　a　verger　moved　in　the
far　distance；　an　old　woman；　so　quiet　that　she　seemed　only　a　shadow；
passed　him；　wiping　the　little　chairs　with　a　duster。

It　seemed　to　Jeremy　that　he　had　never　been　in　the　Cathedral　before；
he　stood　there；　breathless；　as　though　in　a　moment　something　must
inevitably　happen。　Although　he　did　not　think　of　it；　the　moment　was
one　of　a　sequence　that　had　come　to　him　during　the　yearhis　entry
into　the　theatre　with　his　uncle；　his　first　conversation　with　the
sea…captain；　the　hour　when　his　mother　had　been　so　ill；　the　evening
on　the　beach　when　Charlotte　had　been　frightened；　the　time　when
Hamlet　had　been　lost　and　he　had　slept　with　him　under　a　tree。　All
these　moments　had　been　something　more　than　merely　themselves；　had
had　something　behind　them　or　inside　them　for　which　simply　they　stood
as　words　stand　for　pictures。　He　analysed；　of　course；　nothing；　being
a　perfectly　healthy　small　boy；　but　if　afterwards　he　looked　back
these　were　the　moments　that　he　saw　as　one　sees　stations　on　a
journey。　One　day　he　would　know　for　what　they　stood。

He　simply　now　waited　there　as　though　he　expected　something　to
happen。　Thoughts　slipped　through　his　mind　quite　casually；　whether
Hamlet　were　behaving　well　outside；　what　the　old　lady　did　when　she
was　tired　of　dusting；　who　the　stone　figure　lying　near　him　might　be；
a　figure　very　fine　with　his　ruff　and　his　peaked　beard；　his　arms
folded；　his　toes　pointing　upwards；　whether　the　body　were　inside　the
stone　like　a　mummy；　or　underneath　the　ground　some…　where；　how
strangely　different　the　nave　looked　now　from　its　Sunday　show；　and
what　fun　it　would　be　to　run　races　all　the　way　down　and　see　who　could
reach　the　golden　angels　over　the　reredos　first；　he　felt　no
reverence；　and　yet　a　deep　reverence；　no　fear；　but；　nevertheless；
awe；　he　was　warm　and　happy　and　comfortable；　and　yet　suddenly；　giving
a　little　shudder；　he　slipped　out　into　the　sunlight；　released　Hamlet
and　started　for　home。




II


Back　again　in　the　bosom　of　his　family　he　felt　that　they　were
beginning　to　be　aware　of　his　departure。

〃What　shall　we　do　this　evening；　Jeremyyour　last　evening？〃　said　his
mother。

Everyone　looked　at　him。

〃Oh；　I　don't　know；〃　he　said　uncomfortably。　〃Just　as　usual；　I
suppose。〃

〃You're　making　him　feel　uncomfortable；〃　said　Aunt　Amy；　who　loved　to
explain　quite　obvious　things。　〃You　want　it　to　be　just　an　ordinary
evening；　dear；　don't　you？〃

〃Oh；　I　don't　know；〃　he　said　again；　hating　his　aunt。

〃I　don't　think　that　quite　the　way　to　speak　to　your　aunt；　my　son；〃
said　his　father。　〃We　only　inquire　out　of　kindness；　thinking　to
please　you。　No；　Mary；　no　more。　Fridayone　helping〃

〃Jeremy　might　have　another　as　it's　his　last　day；　I　suggest；〃　said
Aunt　Amy；　who　was　determined　to　be　pleasant。

〃I　don't　want　any；　thank　you；〃　said　Jeremy；　although　it　was　treacle
pudding；　which　he　loved。

〃Well；　I　think；〃　said　Mrs。　Cole；　〃that　we'll　have　high　tea　at　half…
past　seven；　and　the　children　shall　stay　up　afterwards　and　we'll　have
'Midshipman　Easy。'〃

Jeremy　loved　his　mother　intensely　at　that　moment。　How　did　she　know
so　exactly　what　was　right？　She　made　so　little　disturbance；　was　so
quiet　and　was　never　angry；　and　yet　she　was　always　right　when　the
others　were　always　wrong。　She　knew　that　above　all　things　he　loved
high　teafish　pie　and　boiled　eggs　and　tea　and　jam　and　cakea
horrible　meal　that　his　later　judgment　would　utterly　condemn；　but
nevertheless　something　so　cosy　and　so　comfortable　that　no　later　meal
would　ever　be　able　to　rival　it　in　those　qualities。

〃Oh；　that　will　be　lovely！〃　he　said；　his　face　shining　all　over。

Nevertheless；　as　the　afternoon　advanced　a　strange　new　sense　of
insecurity；　unhappiness　and　forlornness　crept　increasingly　upon　him。
He　realised　that　he　had　that　morning　said　good…bye　to　the　town；　and
now　he　felt　as　though　he　had；　in　some　way；　hurt　or　insulted　it。　And；
all　the　afternoon；　he　was　saying　farewell　to　the　house。　He　did　not
wander　from　room　to　room；　but　rather　sat　up　in　the　schoolroom
pretending　to　mend　a　fishing　rod　which　Mr。　Monk　had　given　him　that
summer。　He　did　not　really　care　about　the　rodhe　was　not　even
thinking　of　it。　He　heard　all　the　sounds　of　the　house　as　he　sat
there。　He　could　tell　all　the　clocks；　that　one　booming　softly　the
half　hours　was　in　his　mother's　bedroom；　there　was　a　rattle　and　a
whirr　and　there　came　the　cuckoo…clock　on　the　stairs；　there　was　the
fast；　cheap　careless　chatter　of　the　little　clock　on　the　schoolroom
mantelpiece；　there　was　the　whisper　of　Miss　Jones's　watch　which　she
had　put　out　on　the　table　to　mark　the　time　of　Mary's　sewing　by。　There
were　all　the　regular　sounds　of　the　house。　The　distant　closing　of
doors；　deep　down　in　the　heart　of　the　house　someone　was　using　a
sewing　machine　somewhere；　voices　came　up　out　of　the　void　and　faded
again；　someone　whistled；　someone　sang。　His　gloom　increased。　He　was
exchanging　a　world　he　knew　for　a　world　that　he　did　not　know；　and　he
could　not　escape　the　feeling　that　he　was；　in　some　way；　insulting
this　world　that　he　was　leaving。　He　bothered　himself　all　the
afternoon　with　unnecessary　stupid　affairs　to　cover　his　deep
discomfort。　He　whistled　carelessly　and　out　of　tune；　he　poked　the
fire　and　walked　about。　He　was　increasingly　aware　of　Hamlet　and　Mary。
Mary　was　determined　so　hard　that　she　would　show　no　emotion　at　all
that　she　was　a　painful　sight　to　witness。　She　scarcely　spoke　to　him；
and　only　answered　in　monosyllables　if　he　asked　her　something。

And　Hamlet　had　suddenly　discovered　that　the　atmosphere　of　the　house
was　unusual。　He　had　expected；　in　the　first　place；　to　be　taken　for　a
walk　that　afternoon；　then　his　master　was　very　busy　doing　nothing；
which　was　most　unusual。　Then　at　tea　time　his　worst　suspicions　were
confirmed。　Jeremy　suddenly　made　a　fuss　of　him；　pouring　his　tea　into
his　saucer；　giving　him　a　piece　of　bread　and　jam　and　an　extra　lump　of
sugar。　Hamlet　drank　his　tea　and　ate　his　bread　and　jam　thoughtfully。
They　were　very　nice；　but　what　was　the　matter？

He　looked　up　through　his　hair　and　discovered　that　his　master's　eyes
were　restless　and　unhappy；　and　that　he　was　thinking　of　things　that
disturbed　him。　He　went　away　to　the　fire　and；　sitting　on　his
haunches；　gazing　in　his　metaphysical　way　at　the　flames；　considered
the　matter。　Jeremy　came　over　to　him　and；　drawing　him　back　to　him；
laid　his　head　upon　his　knee　and　so　held　him。　Hamlet　did　not　move；
save　occasionally　to　sigh；　and；　once　or　twice；　to　snap　in　a　sudden
way　that　he　had　at　an　imaginary　fly。　He　thought　that　in　all
probability　his　master　had　been　punished　for　something；　and　in　this
he　was　deeply　sympathetic；　never　seeing　why　his　master　need　be
punished　for　anything　and　resenting　the　stupidity　of　human　beings
with　their　eternal　desire　to　be；　in　some　way　or　other；　asserting
their　authority。

Gradually；　in　front　of　the　hot　fire；　both　boy　and　dog　fell　asleep。
Jeremy's　dreams　were　confused；　bewildered；　distressing；　he　was
struggling　to　find　something；　was　always　climbing　higher　and　higher