jeremy-第33章

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background。　But　now　he　definitely　and　actively　figured　to　himself
this　God；　this　God　Who　was　taking　his　mother　away　and　was　intending
apparently　to　put　her　into　some　dark　place　where　she　would　know
nobody。　It　must　be　some　horrible　place；　because　his　father　looked　so
frightened；　which　he　would　not　look　if　his　mother　was　simply　going；
with　a　golden　harp；　to　sing　hymns。　Jeremy　had　always　heard　that　this
God　was　loving　and　kind　and　tender；　but　the　figure　whom　his　father
was　now　drawing　for　the　benefit　of　the　congregation　was　none　of
these　things。

Mr。　Cole　spoke　of　a　God　just　and　terrible；　but　a　God　Who　apparently
for　the　merest　fancy　put　His　faithful　servant　to　terrible　anguish
and　distress；　and　then　for　another　fancy；　as　light　as　the　first；
spared　him　his　sorrow。　Mr。　Cole　emphasised　the　necessity　for
obedience；　the　need　for　a　willing　surrender　of　anything　that　may　be
dear　to　us；　〃because　the　love　of　God　must　be　greater　than　anything
that　holds　us　here　on　earth。〃　But　Jeremy　did　not　listen　to　these
remarks；　his　mind　was　filled　with　this　picture　of　a　vast　shadowy
figure；　seated　in　the　sky；　his　white　beard　flowing　beneath　eyes　that
frowned　from　dark　rocky　eyebrows　out　upon　people　like　Jeremy　who；
although　doing　their　best；　were　nevertheless　at　the　mercy　of　any
whim　that　He　might　have。　This　terrible　figure　was　the　author　of　the
hot　day；　author　of　the　silent　house　and　the　shimmering　darkened
church；　author　of　the　decision　to　take　his　mother　away　from　all　that
she　loved　and　put　her　somewhere　where　she　would　be　alone　and　cold
and　silent〃simply　because　He　wishes。　。　。〃

〃From　this　beautiful　passage；〃　concluded　Mr。　Cole；　〃we　learn　that
God　is　just　and　merciful；　but　that　He　demands　our　obedience。　We　must
be　ready　at　any　instant　to　give　up　what　we　love　most　and　best。　。　。。〃

Afterwards　they　all　trooped　out　into　the　splendid　sunshine。




IV


There　was　a　horrible　Sunday　dinner　whenthe　silence　and　the　roast
beef　and　Yorkshire　pudding；　and　the　dining…　room　quivering　with
heat；　emphasised　every　minute　of　the　solemn　ticking　clockMary
suddenly　burst　into　tears；　choked　over　a　glass　of　water；　and　was　led
from　the　room。　Jeremy　ate　his　beef　and　rice　pudding　in　silence；
except　that　once　or　twice　in　a　low；　hoarse　voice　whispered：　〃Pass
the　mustard；　please；〃　or　〃Pass　the　salt；　please。〃　Miss　Jones；
watching　his　white　face　and　the　tremble　of　his　upper　lip；　longed　to
say　something　to　comfort　him；　but　wisely　held　her　peace。

After　dinner　Jeremy　collected　Hamlet　and　went　to　the　conservatory。
This；　like　so　many　other　English　conservatories；　was　a　desolate　and
desperate　little　place；　where　boxes　of　sand；　dry　corded…looking
bulbs；　and　an　unhappy　plant　or　two　languished；　forgotten　and
forlorn。　It　had　been　inherited　with　the　house　many　years　ago；　and；
at　first；　the　Coles　had　had　the　ambition　to　make　it　blaze　with
colour；　to　grow　there　the　most　marvellous　grapes；　the　richest
tomatoes；　and　evenalthough　it　was　a　little　out　of　place　in　the
house　of　a　clergyman　of　the　Church　of　Englandthe　most　sinister　of
orchids。　Very　quickly　the　little　conservatory　had　been　abandoned；
the　heating　apparatus　had　failed；　the　plants　had　refused　to　grow；
the　tomatoes　never　appeared；　the　bulbs　would　not　burst　into　colour。

For　Jeremy　the　place　had　had　always　an　indescribable　fascination。
When　he　was　very　young　there　had　been　absolute　trust　that　things
would　grow；　that　every　kind　of　wonder　might　spring　before　one's　eyes
at　any　moment　of　the　day。　Then；　when　no　wonder　came；　there　had　been
the　thrill　of　the　empty　boxes　of　earth；　the　probing　with　one's
fingers　to　see　what　the　funny…looking　bulbs　would　be；　and　watching
the　fronds　of　the　pale　vine。　Afterwards；　there　was　another
fascinationthe　fascination　of　some　strange　and　sinister　atmosphere
that　he　was　much　too　young　to　define。　The　place；　he　knew；　was
different　from　the　rest　of　the　house。　It　projected；　conventionally
enough；　from　the　drawing…room；　but　the　heavy　door　with　thick　windows
of　red　glass　shut　it　off　from　the　whole　world。　Its　rather　dirty　and
obscure　windows　looked　over　the　same　country　that　Jeremy's　bedroom
window　commanded。　It　also　caught　all　the　sun；　so　that　in　the　summer
it　was　terribly　hot。　But　Jeremy　loved　the　heat。　He　was　discovered
once　by　the　scandalised　Jampot　quite　naked　dancing　on　the　wooden
boards；　his　face　and　hands　black　with　grime。　No　one　could　ever
understand　〃what　he　saw　in　the　dirty　place；〃　and　at　one　time　he　had
been　forbidden　to　go　there。　Then　he　had　cried　and　stamped　and
shouted；　so　that　he　had　been　allowed　to　return。　Amongst　the　things
that　he　saw　there　were　the　reflections　that　the　outside　world　made
upon　the　glass；　it　would　be　stained；　sometimes；　with　a　strange；
green　reflection　of　the　fields　beyond　the　wall；　sometimes　it　would
catch　the　blue　of　the　sky；　or　the　red　and　gold　of　the　setting　sun；
sometimes　it　would　be　grey　with　waving　shadows　across　its　surface；
as　though　one　were　under　water。　Through　the　dirty　windows　the
country；　on　fine　days；　shone　like　distant　tapestry；　and　in　the　glass
that　covered　the　farther　side　of　the　place　strange　reflections　were
caught：　of　cows；　horses；　walls；　and　treesas　though　in　a　kind　of
magic　mirror。

Another　thing　that　Jeremy　felt　there；　was　that　he　was　in　a　glass
cage　swinging　over　the　whole　world。　If　one　shut　one's　eyes　one　could
easily　fancy　that　one　was　swinging　outswingingswinging；　and
that；　suddenly　perhaps；　the　cage　would　be　detached　from　the　house
and　go　sailing；　like　a　magic　carpet；　to　Arabia　and　Persia；　and
anywhere　you　pleased　to　command。

To…day　the　glass　burnt　like　fire；　and　the　green　fields　came　floating
up　to　bo　transfigured　there　like　running　water。　The　house　was
utterly　still；　the　red　glass　door　shut　off　the　world。　Jeremy　sat；
his　arms　tightly　round　Hamlet's　neck；　on　the　dirty　floor；　a　strange
mixture　of　misery；　weariness；　fright；　and　anger。　There　was　already
in　him　a　strain　of　impatience；　so　that　he　could　not　bear　simply　to
sit　down　and　bewail　something　as；　for　instance；　both　his　sisters
were　doing　at　this　moment。　He　must　act。　They　could　not　bo　happy
without　their　mother；　he　himself　wanted　her　so　badly　that　even　now；
there　in　the　flaming　conservatory；　if　he　had　allowed　himself　to　do
such　a　thing；　he　would　have　sat　and　cried　and　cried　and　cried。　But
he　was　not　going　to　cry。　Mary　and　Helen　could　crythey　were　girls；
he　was　going　to　do　something。

As　he　sat　there；　getting　hotter　and　hotter；　there　grew；　larger　and
larger　before　his　eyes；　the　figure　of　Terrible　God。　That　image　of
Someone　of　a　vast　size　sitting　in　the　red…hot　sky；　his　white　beard
flowing；　his　eyes　frowning；　grew　ever　more　and　more　awful。　Jeremy
stared　up　into　the　glass；　his　eyes　blinking；　the　sweat　beginning　to
pour　down　his　nose；　and　yet　his　body　shivering　with　terror。　But　he
had　strung　himself　up　to　meet　Him。　Somehow　he　was　going　to　save　his
mother　and　hinder　her　departure。　At　an　instant；　inside　him；　he　was
crying：　〃I　want　my　mother！　I　want　my　mother！〃　like　a　little　boy　who
had　been　left　in　the　street；　and　at　the　other；　〃You　shan't　have　her！
You　shan't　have　her！〃　as　though　someone　were　trying　to　steal　his
Toy…Village　or　Hamlet　away　from　him。　His　sleepy；　bemused；　heated
brain　wandered；　in　dazed　fashion；　back　to　his　father's　sermon　of
that　morning。　Abraham　and　Isaac！　Abraham　and　Isaac！

Abraham　and　Isaac！　Suddenly；　as　though　through　the　flaming　glass
something　had　been　flung　to　him；　an　idea　came。　Perhaps　God；　that
huge；　ugly　God　was　teasing　the　Coles　just　as　once　He　had　teased
Abraham。　Perhaps　He　wished　to　see　whether　they　were　truly　obedient
as　the　Jampot　had　sometimes　wished　in　the　old　days。　He　was　only；　it
might　be；　pretending。　Perhaps　He　was　demanding　that　one　of　them
should　give　up　somethingsomething　of　great　value。　Even　Jeremy；
himself！　。　。　。

If　he　had　to　sacrifice　something　to　save　his　mother；　what　would　be
the　hardest　sacrifice？　Would　it　be　his　Toy…　Village；　or　Mary　or
Helen；　or　his　soldiers；　or　his　paint…　box；　or　his　gold　fish　that　he
had　in　a　bowl；　orNo；　of　course；　he　had　known　from　the　first　what
would　be　hardestit　would；　of　course；　be　Hamlet。

At　this　stage　in　his　thinking　he　removed　his　arm　from　Hamlet's　neck
and　looked　at　the　animal。　At　the　same　moment