jeremy-第32章

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his　life；　and　she　would　always　be　so。　Why；　now；　when　he　thought　of
it；　he　could　do　nothing　without　his　mother；　every　day　he　must　tell
her　what　he　had　done　and　what　he　was　going　to　do；　must　show　her　what
he　had　acquired　and　must　explain　to　her　what　he　had　lost；　must　go　to
her　when　he　was　hurt　and　when　he　was　frightened　and　when　he　was
glad。　。　。　And　of　all　these　things　he　had　never　even　thought　until
now。

As　he　sat　there　the　house　seemed　to　grow　ever　quieter　and　quieter
about　him。　He　felt　as　though　he　would　have　liked　to　have　gone　to　the
schoolroom　door　and　listened。　It　was　terrible　imagining　the　house
behind　the　doorquite　silentso　that　the　clocks　had　stopped；　and
no　one　walked　upon　the　stairs　and　no　one　laughed　down　in　the　pantry。
He　wished　that　they　would　make　more　noise　in　the　schoolroom。　He
upset　the　church　and　the　orchard　and　Mrs。　Noah。

But　the　silence　after　the　noise　was　worse　than　ever。

Soon　Miss　Jones　took　the　two　girls　away　to　her　room　to　fit　on　some
clothes；　an　operation　which　Helen　adored　and　Mary　hated。　Jeremy　was
left　alone；　and　he　was；　at　once；　terribly　frightened。　He　knew　that
it　was　of　no　use　to　be　frightened；　and　he　tried　to　go　on　with　his
game；　putting　the　church　with　the　apple　trees　around　it　and　the　Noah
family　all　sleeping　under　the　trees；　but　at　every　moment　something
compelled　him　to　raise　his　head　and　see　that　no　one　was　there；　and
he　felt　so　small　and　so　lonely　that　he　would　like　to　have　hidden
under　something。

Then　when　he　thought　of　his　mother　all　alone　and　the　house　so　quiet
around　her　and　no　one　able　to　go　to　her　he　felt　so　miserable　that　he
turned　round　from　his　village　and　stared　desolately　into　the
fireplace。　The　thought　of　his　new　sister　came　to　him；　but　was
dismissed　impatiently。　He　did　not　want　a　new　sisterMary　and　Helen
were　trouble　enough　as　it　wasand　he　felt；　with　an　old　weary　air；
that　it　was　time；　indeed；　that　he　was　off　to　school。　Nothing　was　the
same。　Always　new　people。　Never　any　peace。

He　was　startled　by　the　sound　of　the　opening　door；　and；　turning；　saw
his　father。　His　father　and　he　were　never　very　easy　together。　Mr。
Cole　had　very　little　time　for　the　individual；　being　engaged　in
saving　souls　in　the　mass；　and　his　cheery；　good…tempered　Christianity
had　a　strange；　startling　fashion　of　proving　unavailing　before　some
single　human　case。

He　did　not　understand　children　except　when　they　were　placed　in
masses　before　him。　His　own　children；　having　been　named；　on　their
arrival；　〃Gifts　from　God；〃　had　kept　much　of　that　incorporeal
atmosphere　throughout　their　growing　years。

But　to…night　he　was　a　different　man。　As　he　looked　at　his　small　son
across　the　schoolroom　floor　there　was　terror　in　his　eyes。　Nothing
could　have　been　easier　or　more　simple　than　his　lifelong　assumption
that；　because　God　was　in　His　heaven　all　was　right　with　the　world。　He
had　given　thanks　every　evening　for　the　blessings　that　he　had
received　and　every　morning　for　the　blessings　that　he　was　going　to
receive；　and　he　had　had　no　reason　to　complain。　He　had　the　wife；　the
children；　the　work　that　he　deserved；　and　his　life　had　been　so　hemmed
in　with　security　that　he　had　had　no　difficulty　in　assuring　his
congregation　on　every　possible　occasion　that　God　was　good　and　far…
seeing；　and　that　〃not　one　sparrow　。　。　。〃

And　now　lie　was　threatenedthreatened　most　desperately。　Mrs。　Cole
was　so　ill　that　it　was　doubtful　whether　she　would　live　through　the
night。　He　was　completely　helpless。　He　had　turned　from　one　side　to
another；　simply　demanding　an　assurance　from　someone　or　something
that　she　could　not　be　taken　from　him。　No　one　could　give　him　that
assurance。　Life　without　her　would　be　impossible；　he　would　not　know
what　to　do　about　the　simplest　matter。　Life　without　her。　。　。oh！　but
it　was　incredible！

Like　a　blind　man　he　had　groped　his　way　up　to　the　schoolroom。　He　did
not　want　to　see　the　children；　nor　Miss　Jones；　but　he　must　be　moving；
must　be　doing　something　that　would　break　in　upon　that　terrible
ominous　pause　that　the　whole　world　seemed　to　him；　at　this　moment；　to
be　making。

Then　he　saw　Jeremy。　He　said：

〃Oh！　　　Where's　Miss　Jones？〃

〃She's　in　the　next　room；〃　said　Jeremy；　looking　at　his　father。

〃Oh！〃　He　began　to　walk　up　and　down　the　schoolroom。　Jeremy　left　his
toy　village　and　stood　up。

〃Is　Mother　better；　Father？〃

He　stopped　in　his　walk　and　looked　at　the　boy　as　though　he　were
trying　to　recollect　who　he　was。

〃No。　。　。　Nothat　isNo；　my　boy；　I'm　afraid　not。〃

〃Is　she　very　bad；　Fatherlike　the　Dean's　wife　when　she　had　fever？〃

His　father　didn't　answer。　He　walked　to　the　end　of　the　room；　then
turned　suddenly　as　though　he　had　seen　something　there　that　terrified
him；　and　hurried　from　the　room。

Jeremy；　suddenly　left　alone；　had　a　desperate　impulse　to　scream　that
someone　must　come；　that　he　was　frightened；　that　something　horrible
was　in　the　house。　He　stood　up；　staring　at　the　closed　door；　his　face
white；　his　eyes　large　and　full　of　fear。　Then　he　flung　himself　down
by　Hamlet　and；　taking　him　by　the　neck；　whispered：

〃I'm　frightened！　I'm　frightened！　Bark　or　something！　。　。　。　There's
someone　here！〃




III


Next　morning　Mrs。　Cole　was　still　alive。　There　had　been　no　change
during　the　night；　to…day；　the　doctor　said；　would　be　the　critical
day。　To…day　was　Sunday；　and　Mr。　Cole　took　his　morning　service　at　his
church　as　usual。　He　had　been　up　all　night；　he　looked　haggard　and
pale；　still　wearing　that　expression　as　of　a　man　lost　in　a　world　that
he　had　always　trusted。　But　he　would　not　fail　in　his　duty。　〃When　two
or　three　are　gathered　together　in　my　name。　。　。。〃　Perhaps　God　would
hear　him。

It　was　a　day　of　wonderful　heat　for　May。　No　one　had　ever　remembered
so　hot　a　day　at　so　early　a　time　of　year。　The　windows　of　the　church
were　open；　but　no　breeze　blew　through　the　aisles。　The　relentless
blazing　blue　of　the　sky　penetrated　into　the　cool　shadows　of　the
church；　and　it　was　as　though　the　congregation　sat　there　under
shimmering　glass。　The　waves　of　light　shifted；　rose　and　fell　above
the　bonnets　and　hats　and　bare　heads；　and　all　the　little　choir　boys
fell　asleep　during　the　sermon。

The　Cole　family　did　not　fall　asleep。　They　sat　with　pale　faces　and
stiff　backs　staring　at　their　father　and　thinking　about　their　mother。
Mary　and　Helen　were　frightened；　the　house　was　so　strange；　everyone
spoke　in　whispers；　and；　on　the　way　into　church；　many　ladies　had
asked　them　how　their　mother　was。

They　felt　important　as　well　as　sad。　But　Jeremy　did　not　feel
important。　He　had　not　heard　the　ladies　and　their　questionshe　would
not　have　cared　if　he　had。　People　had　always　called　him　〃a　queer
little　boy；〃　simply　because　he　was　independent　and　thought　more　than
he　spoke。　Nevertheless；　he　had　always　in　reality　been　normal　enough
until　now。　To…day　he　was　really　〃queer；〃　was　conscious　for　the　first
time　of　the　existence　of　a　world　whose　adjacence　to　the　real　world
was；　in　after　days；　to　trouble　him　so　often　and　to　complicate　life
for　him　so　grievously。　The　terror　that　had　come　down　upon　him　when
his　father　had　left　him　seemed　to…day　utterly　to　soak　through　into
the　very　heart　of　him。　His　mother　was　going　to　die　unless　something
or　somebody　saved　her。　What　was　dying？　Going　away；　he　had　always
been　told；　with　a　golden　harp；　to　sing　hymns　in　a　foreign　country。
But　to…day　the　picture　would　not　form　so　easily。　There　was　silence
and　darkness　and　confusion　about　this　Death。　His　mother　was　going；
against　her　will；　and　no　one　could　tell　him　whither　she　was　going。
If　he　could　only　stop　her　dying；　force　God　to　leave　her　alone；　to
leave　her　with　them　all　as　she　had　been　before。　。　。

He　fixed　his　eyes　upon　his　father；　who　climbed　slowly　into　his
pulpit　and　gave　out　the　text　of　his　sermon。　To…day　he　would　talk
about　the　sacrifice　of　Isaac。　〃Abraham；　as　his　hearers　would
remember　。　。　。〃　and　so　on。

Jeremy　listened；　and　gradually　there　grew　before　his　eyes　the　figure
of　a　strange　and　terrible　God。　This　was　no　new　figure。　He　had　never
thought　directly　about　God；　but　for　a　very　long　time　now　he　had　had
Him　in　the　background　of　his　life　as　Polchester　Town　Hall　was　in　the
background。　But　now　he　definitely　and　actively　figured　to　himself
this　God；　this　God　Who　was　taking　his　mother　away　and　was　inte