the magic skin(驴皮记)-第41章

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for　my　way　of　living？　Why　had　I　eaten　puddings　a　la　chipolata？　Why　had
I　iced　my　wine？　Why　had　I　slept；　or　walked；　or　thought；　or　amused
myself　when　I　had　not　paid　them？

〃At　any　moment；　in　the　middle　of　a　poem；　during　some　train　of　thought；
or　while　I　was　gaily　breakfasting　in　the　pleasant　company　of　my
friends；　I　might　look　to　see　a　gentleman　enter　in　a　coat　of　chestnut…
brown；　with　a　shabby　hat　in　his　hand。　This　gentleman's　appearance
would　signify　my　debt；　the　bill　I　had　drawn；　the　spectre　would　compel
me　to　leave　the　table　to　speak　to　him；　blight　my　spirits；　despoil　me
of　my　cheerfulness；　of　my　mistress；　of　all　I　possessed；　down　to　my
very　bedstead。

〃Remorse　itself　is　more　easily　endured。　Remorse　does　not　drive　us　into
the　street　nor　into　the　prison　of　Sainte…Pelagie；　it　does　not　force　us
into　the　detestable　sink　of　vice。　Remorse　only　brings　us　to　the
scaffold；　where　the　executioner　invests　us　with　a　certain　dignity；　as
we　pay　the　extreme　penalty；　everybody　believes　in　our　innocence；　but
people　will　not　credit　a　penniless　prodigal　with　a　single　virtue。

〃My　debts　had　other　incarnations。　There　is　the　kind　that　goes　about　on
two　feet；　in　a　green　cloth　coat；　and　blue　spectacles；　carrying
umbrellas　of　various　hues；　you　come　face　to　face　with　him　at　the
corner　of　some　street；　in　the　midst　of　your　mirth。　These　have　the
detestable　prerogative　of　saying；　'M。　de　Valentin　owes　me　something；
and　does　not　pay。　I　have　a　hold　on　him。　He　had　better　not　show　me　any
offensive　airs！'　You　must　bow　to　your　creditors；　and　moreover　bow
politely。　'When　are　you　going　to　pay　me？'　say　they。　And　you　must　lie；
and　beg　money　of　another　man；　and　cringe　to　a　fool　seated　on　his
strong…box；　and　receive　sour　looks　in　return　from　these　horse…leeches；
a　blow　would　be　less　hateful；　you　must　put　up　with　their　crass
ignorance　and　calculating　morality。　A　debt　is　a　feat　of　the
imaginative　that　they　cannot　appreciate。　A　borrower　is　often　carried
away　and　over…mastered　by　generous　impulses；　nothing　great；　nothing
magnanimous　can　move　or　dominate　those　who　live　for　money；　and
recognize　nothing　but　money。　I　myself　held　money　in　abhorrence。

〃Or　a　bill　may　undergo　a　final　transformation　into　some　meritorious
old　man　with　a　family　dependent　upon　him。　My　creditor　might　be　a
living　picture　for　Greuze；　a　paralytic　with　his　children　round　him；　a
soldier's　widow；　holding　out　beseeching　hands　to　me。　Terrible
creditors　are　these　with　whom　we　are　forced　to　sympathize；　and　when
their　claims　are　satisfied　we　owe　them　a　further　debt　of　assistance。

〃The　night　before　the　bills　fell　due；　I　lay　down　with　the　false　calm
of　those　who　sleep　before　their　approaching　execution；　or　with　a　duel
in　prospect；　rocked　as　they　are　by　delusive　hopes。　But　when　I　woke；
when　I　was　cool　and　collected；　when　I　found　myself　imprisoned　in　a
banker's　portfolio；　and　floundering　in　statements　covered　with　red　ink
then　my　debts　sprang　up　everywhere；　like　grasshoppers；　before　my
eyes。　There　were　my　debts；　my　clock；　my　armchairs；　my　debts　were
inlaid　in　the　very　furniture　which　I　liked　best　to　use。　These　gentle
inanimate　slaves　were　to　fall　prey　to　the　harpies　of　the　Chatelet；
were　to　be　carried　off　by　the　broker's　men；　and　brutally　thrown　on　the
market。　Ah；　my　property　was　a　part　of　myself！

〃The　sound　of　the　door…bell　rang　through　my　heart；　while　it　seemed　to
strike　at　me；　where　kings　should　be　struck　atin　the　head。　Mine　was　a
martyrdom；　without　heaven　for　its　reward。　For　a　magnanimous　nature；
debt　is　a　hell；　and　a　hell；　moreover；　with　sheriff's　officers　and
brokers　in　it。　An　undischarged　debt　is　something　mean　and　sordid；　it
is　a　beginning　of　knavery；　it　is　something　worse；　it　is　a　lie；　it
prepares　the　way　for　crime；　and　brings　together　the　planks　for　the
scaffold。　My　bills　were　protested。　Three　days　afterwards　I　met　them；
and　this　is　how　it　happened。

〃A　speculator　came；　offering　to　buy　the　island　in　the　Loire　belonging
to　me；　where　my　mother　lay　buried。　I　closed　with　him。　When　I　went　to
his　solicitor　to　sign　the　deeds；　I　felt　a　cavern…like　chill　in　the
dark　office　that　made　me　shudder；　it　was　the　same　cold　dampness　that
had　laid　hold　upon　me　at　the　brink　of　my　father's　grave。　I　looked　upon
this　as　an　evil　omen。　I　seemed　to　see　the　shade　of　my　mother；　and　to
hear　her　voice。　What　power　was　it　that　made　my　own　name　ring　vaguely
in　my　ears；　in　spite　of　the　clamor　of　bells？

〃The　money　paid　down　for　my　island；　when　all　my　debts　were　discharged；
left　me　in　possession　of　two　thousand　francs。　I　could　now　have
returned　to　the　scholar's　tranquil　life；　it　is　true；　I　could　have　gone
back　to　my　garret　after　having　gained　an　experience　of　life；　with　my
head　filled　with　the　results　of　extensive　observation；　and　with　a
certain　sort　of　reputation　attaching　to　me。　But　Foedora's　hold　upon
her　victim　was　not　relaxed。　We　often　met。　I　compelled　her　admirers　to
sound　my　name　in　her　ears；　by　dint　of　astonishing　them　with　my
cleverness　and　success；　with　my　horses　and　equipages。　It　all　found　her
impassive　and　uninterested；　so　did　an　ugly　phrase　of　Rastignac's；　'He
is　killing　himself　for　you。'

〃I　charged　the　world　at　large　with　my　revenge；　but　I　was　not　happy。
While　I　was　fathoming　the　miry　depths　of　life；　I　only　recognized　the
more　keenly　at　all　times　the　happiness　of　reciprocal　affection；　it　was
a　shadow　that　I　followed　through　all　that　befell　me　in　my
extravagance；　and　in　my　wildest　moments。　It　was　my　misfortune　to　be
deceived　in　my　fairest　beliefs；　to　be　punished　by　ingratitude　for
benefiting　others；　and　to　receive　uncounted　pleasures　as　the　reward　of
my　errorsa　sinister　doctrine；　but　a　true　one　for　the　prodigal！

〃The　contagious　leprosy　of　Foedora's　vanity　had　taken　hold　of　me　at
last。　I　probed　my　soul；　and　found　it　cankered　and　rotten。　I　bore　the
marks　of　the　devil's　claw　upon　my　forehead。　It　was　impossible　to　me
thenceforward　to　do　without　the　incessant　agitation　of　a　life　fraught
with　danger　at　every　moment；　or　to　dispense　with　the　execrable
refinements　of　luxury。　If　I　had　possessed　millions；　I　should　still
have　gambled；　reveled；　and　racketed　about。　I　wished　never　to　be　alone
with　myself；　and　I　must　have　false　friends　and　courtesans；　wine　and
good　cheer　to　distract　me。　The　ties　that　attach　a　man　to　family　life
had　been　permanently　broken　for　me。　I　had　become　a　galley…slave　of
pleasure；　and　must　accomplish　my　destiny　of　suicide。　During　the　last
days　of　my　prosperity；　I　spent　every　night　in　the　most　incredible
excesses；　but　every　morning　death　cast　me　back　upon　life　again。　I
would　have　taken　a　conflagration　with　as　little　concern　as　any　man
with　a　life　annuity。　However；　I　at　last　found　myself　alone　with　a
twenty…franc　piece；　I　bethought　me　then　of　Rastignac's　luck

〃Eh；　eh！〃　Raphael　exclaimed；　interrupting　himself；　as　he
remembered　the　talisman　and　drew　it　from　his　pocket。　Perhaps　he　was
wearied　by　the　long　day's　strain；　and　had　no　more　strength　left
wherewith　to　pilot　his　head　through　the　seas　of　wine　and　punch；　or
perhaps；　exasperated　by　this　symbol　of　his　own　existence；　the　torrent
of　his　own　eloquence　gradually　overwhelmed　him。　Raphael　became　excited
and　elated　and　like　one　completely　deprived　of　reason。

〃The　devil　take　death！〃　he　shouted；　brandishing　the　skin；　〃I　mean　to
live！　I　am　rich；　I　have　every　virtue；　nothing　will　withstand　me。　Who
would　not　be　generous；　when　everything　is　in　his　power？　Aha！　Aha！　I
wished　for　two　hundred　thousand　livres　a　year；　and　I　shall　have　them。
Bow　down　before　me；　all　of　you；　wallowing　on　the　carpets　like　swine　in
the　mire！　You　all　belong　to　mea　precious　property　truly！　I　am　rich；
I　could　buy　you　all；　even　the　deputy　snoring　over　there。　Scum　of
society；　give　me　your　benediction！　I　am　the　Pope。〃

Raphael's　vociferations　had　been　hitherto　drowned　by　a　thorough…bass
of　snores；　but　now　they　became　suddenly　audible。　Most　of　the　sleepers
started　up　with　a　cry；　saw　the　cause　of　the　disturbance　on　his　feet；
tottering　uncertainly；　and　cursed　him　in　concert　for　a　drunken
brawler。

〃Silence！〃　shouted　Raphael。　〃Back　to　your　kennels；　you　dogs！　Emile；　I
have　riches；　I　will　give　you　Havana　cigars！〃

〃I　am　listening；〃　the　poet　replied。　〃Death　or　Foedora！　On　with　you！
That