the magic skin(驴皮记)-第32章

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Yet　in　all　her　movements；　however　alluring；　whether　we　stood　or
whether　we　walked；　there　was　nothing　either　tender　or　lover…like。　When
I　tried　to　share　in　a　measure　the　action　of　movement　prompted　by　her
life；　I　became　aware　of　a　check；　or　of　something　strange　in　her　that　I
cannot　explain；　or　an　inner　activity　concealed　in　her　nature。　There　is
no　suavity　about　the　movements　of　women　who　have　no　soul　in　them。　Our
wills　were　opposed；　and　we　did　not　keep　step　together。　Words　are
wanting　to　describe　this　outward　dissonance　between　two　beings；　we　are
not　accustomed　to　read　a　thought　in　a　movement。　We　instinctively　feel
this　phenomenon　of　our　nature；　but　it　cannot　be　expressed。

〃I　did　not　dissect　my　sensations　during　those　violent　seizures　of
passion；〃　Raphael　went　on；　after　a　moment　of　silence；　as　if　he　were
replying　to　an　objection　raised　by　himself。　〃I　did　not　analyze　my
pleasures　nor　count　my　heartbeats　then；　as　a　miser　scrutinizes　and
weighs　his　gold　pieces。　No；　experience　sheds　its　melancholy　light　over
the　events　of　the　past　to…day；　and　memory　brings　these　pictures　back；
as　the　sea…waves　in　fair　weather　cast　up　fragment　after　fragment　of
the　debris　of　a　wrecked　vessel　upon　the　strand。

〃　'It　is　in　your　power　to　render　me　a　rather　important　service；'　said
the　countess；　looking　at　me　in　an　embarrassed　way。　'After　confiding　in
you　my　aversion　to　lovers；　I　feel　myself　more　at　liberty　to　entreat
your　good　offices　in　the　name　of　friendship。　Will　there　not　be　very
much　more　merit　in　obliging　me　to…day？'　she　asked；　laughing。

〃I　looked　at　her　in　anguish。　Her　manner　was　coaxing；　but　in　no　wise
affectionate；　she　felt　nothing　for　me；　she　seemed　to　be　playing　a
part；　and　I　thought　her　a　consummate　actress。　Then　all　at　once　my
hopes　awoke　once　more；　at　a　single　look　and　word。　Yet　if　reviving　love
expressed　itself　in　my　eyes；　she　bore　its　light　without　any　change　in
the　clearness　of　her　own；　they　seemed；　like　a　tiger's　eyes；　to　have　a
sheet　of　metal　behind　them。　I　used　to　hate　her　in　such　moments。

〃　'The　influence　of　the　Duc　de　Navarreins　would　be　very　useful　to　me；
with　an　all…powerful　person　in　Russia；'　she　went　on；　persuasion　in
every　modulation　of　her　voice；　'whose　intervention　I　need　in　order　to
have　justice　done　me　in　a　matter　that　concerns　both　my　fortune　and　my
position　in　the　world；　that　is　to　say；　the　recognition　of　my　marriage
by　the　Emperor。　Is　not　the　Duc　de　Navarreins　a　cousin　of　yours？　A
letter　from　him　would　settle　everything。'

〃　'I　am　yours；'　I　answered；　'command　me。'

〃　'You　are　very　nice；'　she　said；　pressing　my　hand。　'Come　and　have
dinner　with　me；　and　I　will　tell　you　everything；　as　if　you　were　my
confessor。'

〃So　this　discreet；　suspicious　woman；　who　had　never　been　heard　to　speak
a　word　about　her　affairs　to　any　one；　was　going　to　consult　me。

〃　'Oh；　how　dear　to　me　is　this　silence　that　you　have　imposed　on　me！'　I
cried；　'but　I　would　rather　have　had　some　sharper　ordeal　still。'　And
she　smiled　upon　the　intoxication　in　my　eyes；　she　did　not　reject　my
admiration　in　any　way；　surely　she　loved　me！

〃Fortunately；　my　purse　held　just　enough　to　satisfy　her　cab…man。　The
day　spent　in　her　house；　alone　with　her；　was　delicious；　it　was　the
first　time　that　I　had　seen　her　in　this　way。　Hitherto　we　had　always
been　kept　apart　by　the　presence　of　others；　and　by　her　formal
politeness　and　reserved　manners；　even　during　her　magnificent　dinners；
but　now　it　was　as　if　I　lived　beneath　her　own　roofI　had　her　all　to
myself；　so　to　speak。　My　wandering　fancy　broke　down　barriers；　arranged
the　events　of　life　to　my　liking；　and　steeped　me　in　happiness　and　love。
I　seemed　to　myself　her　husband；　I　liked　to　watch　her　busied　with
little　details；　it　was　a　pleasure　to　me　even　to　see　her　take　off　her
bonnet　and　shawl。　She　left　me　alone　for　a　little；　and　came　back；
charming；　with　her　hair　newly　arranged；　and　this　dainty　change　of
toilette　had　been　made　for　me！

〃During　the　dinner　she　lavished　attention　upon　me；　and　put　charm
without　end　into　those　numberless　trifles　to　all　seeming；　that　make　up
half　of　our　existence　nevertheless。　As　we　sat　together　before　a
crackling　fire；　on　silken　cushions　surrounded　by　the　most　desirable
creations　of　Oriental　luxury；　as　I　saw　this　woman　whose　famous　beauty
made　every　heart　beat；　so　close　to　me；　an　unapproachable　woman　who　was
talking　and　bringing　all　her　powers　of　coquetry　to　bear　upon　me；　then
my　blissful　pleasure　rose　almost　to　the　point　of　suffering。　To　my
vexation；　I　recollected　the　important　business　to　be　concluded；　I
determined　to　go　to　keep　the　appointment　made　for　me　for　this　evening。

〃　'So　soon？'　she　said；　seeing　me　take　my　hat。

〃She　loved　me；　then！　or　I　thought　so　at　least；　from　the　bland　tones　in
which　those　two　words　were　uttered。　I　would　then　have　bartered　a
couple　of　years　of　life　for　every　hour　she　chose　to　grant　to　me；　and
so　prolong　my　ecstasy。　My　happiness　was　increased　by　the　extent　of　the
money　I　sacrificed。　It　was　midnight　before　she　dismissed　me。　But　on
the　morrow；　for　all　that；　my　heroism　cost　me　a　good　many　remorseful
pangs；　I　was　afraid　the　affair　of　the　Memoirs；　now　of　such　importance
for　me；　might　have　fallen　through；　and　rushed　off　to　Rastignac。　We
found　the　nominal　author　of　my　future　labors　just　getting　up。

〃Finot　read　over　a　brief　agreement　to　me；　in　which　nothing　whatever
was　said　about　my　aunt；　and　when　it　had　been　signed　he　paid　me　down
fifty　crowns；　and　the　three　of　us　breakfasted　together。　I　had　only
thirty　francs　left　over；　when　I　had　paid　for　my　new　hat；　for　sixty
tickets　at　thirty　sous　each；　and　settled　my　debts；　but　for　some　days
to　come　the　difficulties　of　living　were　removed。　If　I　had　but　listened
to　Rastignac；　I　might　have　had　abundance　by　frankly　adopting　the
'English　system。'　He　really　wanted　to　establish　my　credit　by　setting
me　to　raise　loans；　on　the　theory　that　borrowing　is　the　basis　of
credit。　To　hear　him　talk；　the　future　was　the　largest　and　most　secure
kind　of　capital　in　the　world。　My　future　luck　was　hypothecated　for　the
benefit　of　my　creditors；　and　he　gave　my　custom　to　his　tailor；　an
artist；　and　a　young　man's　tailor；　who　was　to　leave　me　in　peace　until　I
married。

〃The　monastic　life　of　study　that　I　had　led　for　three　years　past　ended
on　this　day。　I　frequented　Foedora's　house　very　diligently；　and　tried
to　outshine　the　heroes　or　the　swaggerers　to　be　found　in　her　circle。
When　I　believed　that　I　had　left　poverty　for　ever　behind　me；　I　regained
my　freedom　of　mind；　humiliated　my　rivals；　and　was　looked　upon　as　a
very　attractive；　dazzling；　and　irresistible　sort　of　man。　But　acute
folk　used　to　say　with　regard　to　me；　'A　fellow　as　clever　as　that　will
keep　all　his　enthusiasms　in　his　brain；'　and　charitably　extolled　my
faculties　at　the　expense　of　my　feelings。　'Isn't　he　lucky；　not　to　be　in
love！'　they　exclaimed。　'If　he　were；　could　he　be　so　light…hearted　and
animated？'　Yet　in　Foedora's　presence　I　was　as　dull　as　love　could　make
me。　When　I　was　alone　with　her；　I　had　not　a　word　to　say；　or　if　I　did
speak；　I　renounced　love；　and　I　affected　gaiety　but　ill；　like　a
courtier　who　has　a　bitter　mortification　to　hide。　I　tried　in　every　way
to　make　myself　indispensable　in　her　life；　and　necessary　to　her　vanity
and　to　her　comfort；　I　was　a　plaything　at　her　pleasure；　a　slave　always
at　her　side。　And　when　I　had　frittered　away　the　day　in　this　way；　I　went
back　to　my　work　at　night；　securing　merely　two　or　three　hours'　sleep　in
the　early　morning。

〃But　I　had　not；　like　Rastignac；　the　'English　system'　at　my　finger…
ends；　and　I　very　soon　saw　myself　without　a　penny。　I　fell　at　once　into
that　precarious　way　of　life　which　industriously　hides　cold　and
miserable　depths　beneath　an　elusive　surface　of　luxury；　I　was　a　coxcomb
without　conquests；　a　penniless　fop；　a　nameless　gallant。　The　old
sufferings　were　renewed；　but　less　sharply；　no　doubt　I　was　growing　used
to　the　painful　crisis。　Very　often　my　sole　diet　consisted　of　the　scanty
provision　of　cakes　and　tea　that　is　offered　in　drawing…rooms；　or　one　of
the　countess'　great　dinners　must　sustain　me　for　two　whole　days。　I　used
all　my　time；　and　exerted　every　effort　and　all　my　powers　of
observation；　to　penetrate　the　impenetrable　character　of　Foedora。
Alternate　hope　and　despair　h