the magic skin(驴皮记)-第29章

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fate　of　all　that　lay　within　me。

〃I　went　at　haphazard；　going　over　the　words　of　our　strange　conversation
with　myself。　I　got　so　thoroughly　lost　in　my　reflections　that　I　ended
by　doubts　as　to　the　actual　value　of　words　and　ideas。　But　I　loved　her
all　the　same；　I　loved　this　woman　with　the　untouched　heart　that　might
surrender　at　any　momenta　woman　who　daily　disappointed　the
expectations　of　the　previous　evening；　by　appearing　as　a　new　mistress
on　the　morrow。

〃As　I　passed　under　the　gateway　of　the　Institute；　a　fevered　thrill　ran
through　me。　I　remembered　that　I　was　fasting；　and　that　I　had　not　a
penny。　To　complete　the　measure　of　my　misfortune；　my　hat　was　spoiled　by
the　rain。　How　was　I　to　appear　in　the　drawing…room　of　a　woman　of
fashion　with　an　unpresentable　hat？　I　had　always　cursed　the　inane　and
stupid　custom　that　compels　us　to　exhibit　the　lining　of　our　hats；　and
to　keep　them　always　in　our　hands；　but　with　anxious　care　I　had　so　far
kept　mine　in　a　precarious　state　of　efficiency。　It　had　been　neither
strikingly　new；　nor　utterly　shabby；　neither　napless　nor　over…glossy；
and　might　have　passed　for　the　hat　of　a　frugally　given　owner；　but　its
artificially　prolonged　existence　had　now　reached　the　final　stage；　it
was　crumpled；　forlorn；　and　completely　ruined；　a　downright　rag；　a
fitting　emblem　of　its　master。　My　painfully　preserved　elegance　must
collapse　for　want　of　thirty　sous。

〃What　unrecognized　sacrifices　I　had　made　in　the　past　three　months　for
Foedora！　How　often　I　had　given　the　price　of　a　week's　sustenance　to　see
her　for　a　moment！　To　leave　my　work　and　go　without　food　was　the　least
of　it！　I　must　traverse　the　streets　of　Paris　without　getting　splashed；
run　to　escape　showers；　and　reach　her　rooms　at　last；　as　neat　and　spruce
as　any　of　the　coxcombs　about　her。　For　a　poet　and　a　distracted　wooer
the　difficulties　of　this　task　were　endless。　My　happiness；　the　course
of　my　love；　might　be　affected　by　a　speck　of　mud　upon　my　only　white
waistcoat！　Oh；　to　miss　the　sight　of　her　because　I　was　wet　through　and
bedraggled；　and　had　not　so　much　as　five　sous　to　give　to　a　shoeblack
for　removing　the　least　little　spot　of　mud　from　my　boot！　The　petty
pangs　of　these　nameless　torments；　which　an　irritable　man　finds　so
great；　only　strengthened　my　passion。

〃The　unfortunate　must　make　sacrifices　which　they　may　not　mention　to
women　who　lead　refined　and　luxurious　lives。　Such　women　see　things
through　a　prism　that　gilds　all　men　and　their　surroundings。　Egoism
leads　them　to　take　cheerful　views；　and　fashion　makes　them　cruel；　they
do　not　wish　to　reflect；　lest　they　lose　their　happiness；　and　the
absorbing　nature　of　their　pleasures　absolves　their　indifference　to　the
misfortunes　of　others。　A　penny　never　means　millions　to　them；　millions；
on　the　contrary；　seem　a　mere　trifle。　Perhaps　love　must　plead　his　cause
by　great　sacrifices；　but　a　veil　must　be　lightly　drawn　across　them；
they　must　go　down　into　silence。　So　when　wealthy　men　pour　out　their
devotion；　their　fortunes；　and　their　lives；　they　gain　somewhat　by　these
commonly　entertained　opinions；　an　additional　lustre　hangs　about　their
lovers'　follies；　their　silence　is　eloquent；　there　is　a　grace　about　the
drawn　veil；　but　my　terrible　distress　bound　me　over　to　suffer　fearfully
or　ever　I　might　speak　of　my　love　or　of　dying　for　her　sake。

〃Was　it　a　sacrifice　after　all？　Was　I　not　richly　rewarded　by　the　joy　I
took　in　sacrificing　everything　to　her？　There　was　no　commonest　event　of
my　daily　life　to　which　the　countess　had　not　given　importance；　had　not
overfilled　with　happiness。　I　had　been　hitherto　careless　of　my　clothes；
now　I　respected　my　coat　as　if　it　had　been　a　second　self。　I　should　not
have　hesitated　between　bodily　harm　and　a　tear　in　that　garment。　You
must　enter　wholly　into　my　circumstances　to　understand　the　stormy
thoughts；　the　gathering　frenzy；　that　shook　me　as　I　went；　and　which；
perhaps；　were　increased　by　my　walk。　I　gloated　in　an　infernal　fashion
which　I　cannot　describe　over　the　absolute　completeness　of　my
wretchedness。　I　would　have　drawn　from　it　an　augury　of　my　future；　but
there　is　no　limit　to　the　possibilities　of　misfortune。　The　door　of　my
lodging…house　stood　ajar。　A　light　streamed　from　the　heart…shaped
opening　cut　in　the　shutters。　Pauline　and　her　mother　were　sitting　up
for　me　and　talking。　I　heard　my　name　spoken；　and　listened。

〃　'Raphael　is　much　nicer…looking　than　the　student　in　number　seven；'
said　Pauline；　'his　fair　hair　is　such　a　pretty　color。　Don't　you　think
there　is　something　in　his　voice；　too；　I　don't　know　what　it　is；　that
gives　you　a　sort　of　a　thrill？　And；　then；　though　he　may　be　a　little
proud；　he　is　very　kind；　and　he　has　such　fine　manners；　I　am　sure　that
all　the　ladies　must　be　quite　wild　about　him。'

〃　'You　might　be　fond　of　him　yourself；　to　hear　you　talk；'　was　Madame
Gaudin's　comment。

〃　'He　is　just　as　dear　to　me　as　a　brother；'　she　laughed。　'I　should　be
finely　ungrateful　if　I　felt　no　friendship　for　him。　Didn't　he　teach　me
music　and　drawing　and　grammar；　and　everything　I　know　in　fact？　You
don't　much　notice　how　I　get　on；　dear　mother；　but　I　shall　know　enough；
in　a　while；　to　give　lessons　myself；　and　then　we　can　keep　a　servant。'

〃I　stole　away　softly；　made　some　noise　outside；　and　went　into　their
room　to　take　the　lamp；　that　Pauline　tried　to　light　for　me。　The　dear
child　had　just　poured　soothing　balm　into　my　wounds。　Her　outspoken
admiration　had　given　me　fresh　courage。　I　so　needed　to　believe　in
myself　and　to　come　by　a　just　estimate　of　my　advantages。　This　revival
of　hope　in　me　perhaps　colored　my　surroundings。　Perhaps　also　I　had
never　before　really　looked　at　the　picture　that　so　often　met　my　eyes；
of　the　two　women　in　their　room；　it　was　a　scene　such　as　Flemish
painters　have　reproduced　so　faithfully　for　us；　that　I　admired　in　its
delightful　reality。　The　mother；　with　the　kind　smile　upon　her　lips；　sat
knitting　stockings　by　the　dying　fire；　Pauline　was　painting　hand…
screens；　her　brushes　and　paints；　strewn　over　the　tiny　table；　made
bright　spots　of　color　for　the　eye　to　dwell　on。　When　she　had　left　her
seat　and　stood　lighting　my　lamp；　one　must　have　been　under　the　yoke　of
a　terrible　passion　indeed；　not　to　admire　her　faintly　flushed
transparent　hands；　the　girlish　charm　of　her　attitude；　the　ideal　grace
of　her　head；　as　the　lamplight　fell　full　on　her　pale　face。　Night　and
silence　added　to　the　charms　of　this　industrious　vigil　and　peaceful
interior。　The　light…heartedness　that　sustained　such　continuous　toil
could　only　spring　from　devout　submission　and　the　lofty　feelings　that
it　brings。

〃There　was　an　indescribable　harmony　between　them　and　their
possessions。　The　splendor　of　Foedora's　home　did　not　satisfy；　it　called
out　all　my　worst　instincts；　something　in　this　lowly　poverty　and
unfeigned　goodness　revived　me。　It　may　have　been　that　luxury　abased　me
in　my　own　eyes；　while　here　my　self…respect　was　restored　to　me；　as　I
sought　to　extend　the　protection　that　a　man　is　so　eager　to　make　felt；
over　these　two　women；　who　in　the　bare　simplicity　of　the　existence　in
their　brown　room　seemed　to　live　wholly　in　the　feelings　of　their
hearts。　As　I　came　up　to　Pauline；　she　looked　at　me　in　an　almost
motherly　way；　her　hands　shook　a　little　as　she　held　the　lamp；　so　that
the　light　fell　on　me　and　cried：

〃　'Dieu！　how　pale　you　are！　and　you　are　wet　through！　My　mother　will　try
to　wipe　you　dry。　Monsieur　Raphael；'　she　went　on；　after　a　little　pause；
'you　are　so　very　fond　of　milk；　and　to…night　we　happen　to　have　some
cream。　Here；　will　you　not　take　some？'

〃She　pounced　like　a　kitten；　on　a　china　bowl　full　of　milk。　She　did　it
so　quickly；　and　put　it　before　me　so　prettily；　that　I　hesitated。

〃　'You　are　going　to　refuse　me？'　she　said；　and　her　tones　changed。

〃The　pride　in　each　felt　for　the　other's　pride。　It　was　Pauline's
poverty　that　seemed　to　humiliate　her；　and　to　reproach　me　with　my　want
of　consideration；　and　I　melted　at　once　and　accepted　the　cream　that
might　have　been　meant　for　her　morning's　breakfast。　The　poor　child
tried　not　to　show　her　joy；　but　her　eyes　sparkled。

〃　'I　needed　it　badly；'　I　said　as　I　sat　down。　（An　anxious　look　passed
over　her　face。）　'Do　you　remember　that　passage；　Pauline；　where　Bossuet
tells　how　God　gave　more　abundant　reward　for　a　cup　of　cold　water　than
for　a　victory？'

〃　'Yes；'　s